So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mum 6 weeks ago, not much advice to offer than don’t rush stuff, and take some time to replace the memories of her ill, with those of her being her normal self.
I often see my Mum in the Kitchen doorway with a look on her face asking if I’m going to clean up the mess when I’m finished. I often didn’t 😳
It was cancer for us, but still very quick, 5 weeks. I recognise what you say about the wishing her life away as well, helplessness doesn’t begin to cover it. But I do beleive it was better than long lingering suffering. My mum was the busy bussling type who wasn’t made for lying in bed not in control of her life. didn’t stop me wrapping myself knots over it though.
Its a shit time. I found getting out on a hill on my own on the bike a welcome chance just to let it all out for 5 minutes.