Few years back thought it was time to tackle the layer of dust and do a spot of dusting/polishing... cloth in right hand, power dusting in a circular motion, left hand picks up my scalpel off the cutting mat and right hand dusts straight into the blade. Nice sticky sound as the blade plunged in and pulled out again, cue blood...
Also passed out once whilst about to go to the toilet - on the way down and out, hit chin on the edge of the toilet lid, cue blood...
TJ - am reminded of it at least annually by friends.
Been chuckling to myself reading through all of these; some of them will just put me to shame though; To the guy that shaved off part of his nose on a skip O_o props to you lol!
When it comes to MTBing I never get injured on the trails, it's when I come off them that things start to happen.
As usual finished up a ride, got home and started the process of unloading my car. Now I have never got around to fixing the gas struts that hold up the boot lid (can hardly hold its own weight on a breezy day) and this is where my tale of woe begins.
As I am unloading the bike the neighbours dogs spot me and come running over. They all start jumping at the car and I'm pretty sure you can tell what happens next...down comes the bootlid on my head.
I have never sworn so much in such a short space of time! That's it? I hear you say. Nope...
When the swearing ceased, grabbed my pads, helmet and other gear out the car, got on the bike with most of the gear hanging off my arms. I started to ride the bike round the back of my house and as I am coming around the corner I hit a nice patch of moss, come flying off, take some of my shins off sliding along the concrete floor.
Cursing begins again...and thankfully that is where it ends.
Tore ligaments getting into tent to get changed before starting a Polaris - had to retire after one checkpoint - apologies to my partner who had driven from London to the Lakes for that one.
Cutting tiles with a score and snap cutter - tile slips and slices through my wrist. Cue lots of blood - only time i've really seen it spurt out my body - and trip to A&E.
Climbing into said shower (when tiling finished and blood scrubbed off) - didn't open doors fully - had bar nipple piercings at the time - twisted body side on to squeeze between the doors - caught piercing bar on the lip of door and pulled it out through my nipple 
This was the one time when the nurses 'had to consult with their colleagues' over the injury i.e. get some one else to witness the injury or no one would have believed them 
Plenty more - those are just some of the more stupid/unfortunate !
Running out of school at the end of term. The school gate was half way open so i shoved it with my foot to swing it fully open. Whilst keeping up speed of exiting for the summer.
It was the old wrought iron gates that swing almost completly flat to both sides of the wall its attached to. Anyhow the pin was down at the bottom of the gate wich it bounced on and hit me square in face put me flat on my back a bloody great lump on my head and i had to ride my BMX home very dazed. The lump took years to fully go down.
Drilled a perfect 4mm hole through my thumbnail and into my thumb. Had to put the drill in reverse to get it out.
A couple of years ago I was putting some things up on a shelf way above head height. It was a bit dusty, so I sneezed and headbutted the shelf below, which was at a perfect height to meet my forehead. i had to sit down for a while after that one
I have a mate, who was doing some sort of quick bike maintenance to the crankset area of the bike but from the other side of the bike (i.e leaning over the bike, head upside down, with chest on the saddle. He then decided to compress the rear suspension using just the force and pressure of his chest on the saddle and promptly broke a rib
I hit myself in the mouth with a sledge hammer.
When I was you I was out in the shed squashing cans with a big sledge hammer. Anyway I thought it would make sense to try and fire the lid off a plastic bottle, when it was screwed on...
Anyway... The hammer bounced back him, hit me in the chin, I but through my lip, lost my front tooth and put a whole in my lip. Not fun!
Slightly drunk I shot myself at point blank range in the leg with a bb gun......to see how much it hurt......a lot is the answer.
Had to dig the bb out with a pair of tweezers, still have a dent and a scar to show for it.
Dislocated a finger putting an elastic band around an inner tube, meaning pain for a week, no real grip for a couple of weeks and recurring problems for about three months...
I walked into a telegraph pole trying to prevent my 2 year old daughter from walking into a lamp post. I broke my nose
I also sliced from my fingers across the palm to halfway up my arm on slate. I was looking for bugs behind my dads shed when I was about 6. I ended up having to be dragged through nettles and bramble to be removed from behind the shed.
"Finished MTB race (late eighties) took helmet off, hook of strap caught in front spoke, flicked me off, fractured skull - no helmet on you see."thats a good one
You can add it to your list of "injuries caused by a helmet" 
Good work folks!
I knocked myself out doing the washing. Dropped a sock on the way to the washer which the kitchen door got wedged on. I noticed the sock on the way back from the kitchen, stooped to pick it up and pulled really hard. The door came with the sock and I slammed the door handle into my forehead - queue darkenss and a frozen bag of peas.
My friend (known as Daz-aster) excels at this kind of thing. He once knocked himself out at a New years eve party seconds after declaring that he would not visit A&E in the new year. He demonstrated a crick in his neck to a guest (from an earlier car accident) by waving his head about to make his neck click. This made him dizzy so he began to fall. Instead of falling he tried to catch up with his head by running. The result was he ran accross the room head first into the buffet, knocking the table and food over. 30 minutes into the new year he was in A&E with concussion and a large cut to his scalp.
the snow was SO red. All she had done was cut her lip.
Lips really can bleed, can't they. You wouldn't think they'd hold that much.
Not sure how this happened, but I was chucking a heavy'ish bag intot he boot of a car and shutting the boot door at the same time when i lost my balance and slammed the boot door on my head.
Ambulance to hospital, several stitches and asked numerous times what happened and having to repeat myself over and over again.
Showing a child how safe a skateboard ramp was - do I really need to continue? The words "it's perfectly safe look I'll show you" and "phone your mum, I think I need an ambulance" seem to have a natural affinity.
Met a woman, back to her house, things are gong well, could I take her dog out for a walk, sure can, chucked a frisbee for the dog, stuck up a tree, went to get it, didn't get stuck, did get a broken arm when I fell out the tree.
Funny, but I saw the same doctor in A&E as the skateboard incident, and he remembered me.
Putting up a picture for a friend with a stone walled cottage using a power drill with a non masonry bit. After drilling for ages i decided to gauge how deeply I'd drilled vs the length of the screw by putting my index finger on the tip of the drill and using my thumb to space to the depth.
I failed to notice the bit was a dull red in colour I did recognise the barbecue smell from my finger tip though.
Oh I almost forgot, fell off a climb whilst top roping, got spun around and hurt my back against the rock. If only I'd been wearing something on my back to protect me.
Ha! What are the chances eh?
Mine:
1) I once stood on a broom that was lying on the floor, and the handle shot up, cracked me in the face and gave me a black eye.
2) Rode my bike into a narrow six foot deep ditch (it was dark, no lights) and smacked my head on the other side. No helmet. I don't have any recollection of riding home but i woke up in my bed the next morning and i was stuck to the sheets with all the blood.
Interesting to see all the DIY ones. When I was in minor injuries at Malvern getting my leg stuck back together (after stanley knife incident I mentioned) I asked the nurse if they got a lot of bikers from the hills, but she said that there were a lot more from DIY. A good reason to get out on the bike rather than put those shelves up!
Not sure how this happened, but I was chucking a heavy'ish bag intot he boot of a car and shutting the boot door at the same time when i lost my balance and slammed the boot door on my head.
The mental image of this is hilarious 
Whilst at school I opened a door quite forcibly into a mate of mine, thinking it would give him a fright... The door bounced back and hit me. No worries...
Went to the next lesson (Maths) and after about 10 minutes the teacher starts giving me the third degree about 'not taking the class seriously', 'are you mocking me' - The door had bounced back into my head and put a 2 inch slit in my forhead which was now bleeding quite profusely down the side of my face. The teacher had to come and have a good look and poke to make sure I wasn't faking it before he let me go see the school nurse!
A week before a skiing holiday I slipped on a wet and mossy disabled ramp, which was placed outside the door of a tea room. My legs went from under me and I hit the concrete floor at the side of the ramp and was badly bruised and limped for a few days after.
I went in to complain some weeks later, when I noticed it had been removed, to discover that several other people has disabled themselves on the disable person ramp 
Managed to ski o.k though
I used to find I could run and jump over a 2" square-section fence at work, which cut down a lot of time going around it to the gate. I could sprint, put one foot up to the fence, put a bit of weight on that foot but use it to guide me as the other foot came up and over and landed on the other side. One day I did it in the rain, the foot slipped down the front of the fence and I piled into the fence at full sprint, clobbering my hip and chipping a chunk of bone off it. That hurt a bit. Was good for a laugh for weeks at work though.
I rode into a boat on a trailer down my own drive and shifted the whole lot about 1cm sideways (big boat and trailer, total weight about 1.5t) with the impact. I'd decided I could lean RIGHT over and get a knee down as I peeled down the sloping drive. I couldn't. The front wiped out and I hit the hull at about 20mph, bounced off it and slid 10ft down the drive and got stuck under the car parked at the bottom of the drive. I had to wait there until my parents came through from the back garden for lunch as I was properly pinned, having lifted the suspension of the car a bit and being jammed under it entangled with the bike which now had bent forks and pretzeled wheel.
That was embarassing.
Never trust your parents...
Years ago my Dad and I were cutting down a 10m silver birch tree in the garden. To stop it falling the wrong way (onto the road or the greenhouse) he tied a rope to it, passed the rope to me and told me pull as hard as I could. Being 14 I did as I was told. The chainsaw quickly did its business but instead of "TIMBER" all I heard was "RUN". The tree fell towards me (of course) smacked me on the back and pinned me down. Took 15 mins for Dad to stop laughing and cut enough of the tree for me to squeeze out.
Just before Christmas (so a grown man with 2 children) I thought I'd broken my neck. In a soft-play centre!
I tell you, those places a lethal even with all that padding!
having a great laugh reading some of these, thinking glad it wasnt me, how 'stupid'/unlucky can some people be, but then im thinking ive done similar to some of these enough said. favorite one though whilst wallpapering bedroom dropped something on the floor squatted down to retrieve it my a*** met the radiator bracket (id removed the radiator to get behind it) wife walked in said you look pale you ok explained story by which time could feel my legs getting wet yes blood running down leg, wife insisted i go go a&e and get it stitched refused on grounds of not going to a&e asking for my a***hole to be stitched up
Some absolute genius fails here.
After slicing through the cable on a hedge trimmer I purchased one of those two pronged garden cable connector things and wired them on. Sadly I wired them on the wrong way round so that the male end was connected to the mains. Not being aware of this fail and to reduce my chances of cutting the cable a second time I passed the live cable through a hole in my pocket intending to pass it back out the top of my shorts. It rested momentarily on my bell-end.
Another time whilst using a sledgehammer I glanced a post whilst on a full swing, the sledge continued to swing down and round straight into my lower shins throwing both feet backward and my upper body forward so that I smashed my face into the same post
Finally my number 1 fail. Climbing on some industrial racking I lost my balance and had no choice but to step off and try to make best the landing about 15ft below. No great issue only the was a set of pump trucks beneath me and I landed upon the upright lever handel with leg either side. I had testicles the size and colour of a pair of auborgines for weeks
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