Ha a few. The same drunken piggy back stories, fall and split head open between a flower bed and bottle of newcastle brown.

Similiar to op bunnyhop a speed hump on bmx and snapped medial ligament. Irony after a quality session at my local park.

Broke my hand once punching a cushion in anger. Couldnt decide whether that made me extremely hard or very very soft haha prob the latter. My hand had already been broke in the same place numerous times before in my defense, pun intended.

Dropped my extremely hot blowtorch tip on my face soldering in a confined room space when my phone went off.

Theres prob more….

cycled, pissed (natch) into a lamp post on the Huntingdon Road, Cambridge, whilst on a mission to get a Gardi’s Kebab at 2 in the morning. Instead got 4 of the best in my eyebrow in Addenbrookes 🙁

1) rode full tilt at what seemed to be a gap between two fields. Turned out to have barbed wire stretched across the gap, which I finally saw when I was about 10 feet from it.

2) chose to walk my bike down “The Beast” (near Ladybower) rather than riding down, in MTB shoes on wet stones. Slipped, dislocated ankle, broken fibula

3) put too much CO2 in a pressure barrel full of beer. Rather than let the pressure relief valve deal with it, and despite having done Physics at degree level, I decided to unscrew the cap… which promptly flew off & hit me on the edge of my left eye socket. I can still see out of that eye, but it’s not as good as it should be.

take your pick 😉

ooh, nearly forgot:

4) picked a soldering iron up like a pen or pencil. by the hot end

When I was about 4-5 yrs old I was making some porridge or something on the electric cooker.
I was young, but I did know that when the ring was red it was hot and I shouldn’t touch it. I was also aware that when the cooker was off, the ring was black. Porridge finished, ring turned off, ring returned to black colour.
I learned very quickly that things are not always waht they appear to be. Burny fingers not good, bump on head from falling of chair not good.

1 Instead of spiking the check at work put the spike through my hand.
2 licked the ice-cream scoop and it stuck to my lip, pulled a chunk out when I yanked it.
3 knocked myself out jumping down stairs as didn’t realize the wall I was jumping under was so low, woke up covered in blood.
4 my favorite though has to be, years ago getting a tow on my skateboard from a motorbike, got speed wobbles and board went one way and for some reason I didn’t let go of the bike and got dragged along for what seemed like an eternity, the legs were raw, the next day went to Glasgow on the bus and the jeans were stuck to my weeping wounds, lol now but it’s taken twenty odd years to get over it.

Making the tea for the family when I was about 8.

After pouring the boiling water into the teapot…. I decided to find out what would happen if I sucked on its spout.

Rest of the day spent sucking an ice cube.

Put a staple in my thumb to see if it hurt.

Helping the Queen……..should’ve realised she was ommnicompetant and had it all covered herself.

I got the distinct impression she didn’t give 2 Fs 4 me SO

I don’t think I’ll be volunteering again

Cleaning my bike after last years Calderdale Mountain Marathon.
Bike resting on the saddle and bars, wheels up in the air and spinning.
Saw some mud on the calipers, went to whip off with my index finger and almost severed the tip from 10mm down. All the way to the bone and has left a nice scar hehe

Fell into an industrial bin

Jumping off a 30 foot cliff into 12 inches of water. In Ibiza, whilst sober.

It went rather badly, and to add insult to injury the fire men couldn’t reach me and the coastguard couldn’t get in as the water was too shallow. Took hours, made front page of the Ibiza newspaper and left me with some nice titanium accessories.

Ate deadly nightshade to see if it’s poisonous.

Having a 30ft fall whilst rock-climbing and breaking my wrist!

Thinking it would be perfectly safe using a hand sickle to cut some branches while holding them. After a fair few beers.

Hiking up dartmoor when i tripped and had to land on a piece of extremely pointy granite. Ended up with 16 stiches in my knee and surgery to do something to a tendon that was severed (not quite sure, i was out of it on painkillers when they explained what was going to happen)

Somehow managed to ride 2 months later though!

And it was next to a road so i didnt even get a helicopter trip to hospital! 🙁

While prepping for last years ‘Puffer I stuck a Leatherman into the fleshy part of my thumb, right down to the bone. Instead of racing i spent the day in theatre having exploratory surgery.

round off tuck dismount on a beam…mis-timed, hit the beam and the floor with my face.

might have said ouch a few times LOL

After a twenty hour bus-ferry-bus-drive back to the north east after a holiday in Cahir, I closed the fire door of my flat which lead out onto a flat roof. To reach I leaned on on the door frame with my left hand and slammed the door closed, snapping the end off my middle finger. Two hours in plastic surgery and all is well.

Oh, there is also that time when I managed to kick my way through a concrete plank fence……

1/ Night ride. Stood in a pothole covered by leaves whilst getting over a stile within 100m of the start. Thought just badly sprained ankle so, after 5 minutes of being blinded by helmet lights, I persuaded everyone to get on with the ride, I then realised I was going to have to crawl back to my car and drive home 1footed. When I finally MTFU’d enough to take off my sealskin sock, the ankle swelled to melon size PDQ. 18 months it took to get fixed after MRIs confirmed 2 knackered ligaments and I needed ankle reconstruction surgery, physio, roadbiking, bike theft and finally back out mountain biking .

2/ Lost front wheel whilst airborne on Morzine downhill. Learning points: bolt thru is king; Met Parachutes are stronger than they look; even if you buy the same size the next day, your head won’t fit in it if it’s that swollen; chicks love guys with 2 black eyes; the kids in the swimming pool don’t (I’m sure the speedos the frenchies made me buy to go in the pool didn’t help either?)

And in the last month…
3/ bars too wide for gap in fence misjudgement
4/ new bike lighter so wheelie onto camelbak in Glentress carpark

I am not a riding god

1) putting up tent at sleepless and tearing knee ligament whilst hammering the pegs in. Retired after two laps
2) Drunk and deciding to open some biscuits with a carving knife = A&E
3) doing pogo dance and head butting the door frame in mid leap = A&E
4) traffic cone thrown at me, tried to kick it in mid air, dam those things can be heavy = A&E
5) finger stuck in disc rotor, mashed finger = trip to A&E

tried to ‘catch’ a falling DVD-RW drive with my foot, hurt a lot, toenail still marked 2 years later

Hovered my wedding tackle over a freshly brewed mug of tea I made for my lass whilst threatening to slash in it (dont ask, I was in a weird mood). So she decided to quash this plan by grabbing the handle and raising the mug till my member was submerged in the super hot beverage. Should have heard me scream. Pain never felt before, and dont want to repeat.

might have said ouch a few times LOL

Everything alright now poppet?

porlus wins ^

Now this is a thread I like.
In order of stupidity

1. Broke my knee trying drop-ins on a skateboard. Showing my son how it’s done. When I was in my late 30’s.
2. Fell backwards off a wall when messing about. Fell around ten feet and landed on my neck/back. Being drunk probably saved me from serious injury but my neck and shoulder swelled up for around 3 months. Stiff for another month or so.
3. Broke three ribs by balancing (or not) on top of a calor gas bottle.
4. Tried riding along a narrow concrete ledge. Fell off when a dog ran into me, fell some distance and got penetrated by the saddle.
5. Boosted with enthusiasm about how jumpity the bike I’d borrowed was, I did a huge jump off a ramp and hit a tree in the air with my shoulder. Span around in the air for quite a while then hit the ground hard. Deep scar in my shoulder took ages to heal. Still there now.

A night out on pills (Mitsubishi turbo’s btw) when I was in my early 20’s resulted in me having an argument with Mrs MM over something very trivial and walking off in a huff. For some reason I took a dislike to a garage wall and flicked my right hand in the direction of said wall. Next followed much swearing and pain and a knuckle pushed bank into my hand. What I intended to be a flick turned out to be a full blown punch and a broken knuckle.

Next day I tried to convince the A&E nurse that I fell off a curb and landed on my knuckle. She didn’t believe me and I was very embarrassed. 😳

porlus, that is very funny, if not a little weird! 😀 😯

porlus FTW.

Broke my 1st metacarpal opening a particularly stubborn jar of gherkins.

J

I was about 8 yrs old. I’d been watching the circus. You know, where they stand a geezer on the end of a seesaw and jump on the other end.

I made a seesaw with a plank of wood and a kitchen stool. I put a half brick on the one end and jumped for all I was worth on the other end.

The half brick came over and landed on my head!!!!

Trip to A&E ensued.

Daft!!!

SB

Once shut my ear in a car door. Just try and replicate that! I’ve tried and tried and tried, but have no idea how I managed it!

Demolishing a wall at home and the stone was all removed leaving the wall looking perfect from one side. My stepdad called me into the house then started gobbing off about something and pushing me around a bit, he threw me at the wall and said my face was a picture. As it was just plaster I went flying through it without problems. Unfortunately there was a piece that was made of something considerably more dense than plaster that fell from ceiling height slicing my right hand between the fingers, a couple of stitches and good to go.

Hit one of my door handles when bending over about 4 months ago. Sliced through my bicep.
12 stiches.

I used to live on a farm and when I was about 4 I was riding my bike around the farmyard and I though it would be a good idea to put a strip of white cloth over my eyes and carry on riding. I could just about see through it but not enough to see my Dad reversing a tractor with a crop sprayer attached. I T-bone the sprayer and broke my nose. Wasn’t one of my finest hours!

monday night at Peaslake in the cold; last run down from the churchyard to the car park down that rooty slope. Nailed, no probs (I am a Jedi’ed up god after all). My mate is having more issues so i decide to go up to help him out. At which point I slip on one of the roots, slam down right on the point of my knee and I’m still hobbling about now with a knee like a black grapefruit.

When is Jedi going to start courses on walking uphill in spds?

Got my head stuck in a turnstyle as i thought it would be a good idea to put my head between the bars and as they only turn one way my head got stuck. Fire brigade called to cut a turnstyle off my head.. in a busy supermarket too. Came away with bruised ear and ego.

I chopped my finger off by trying to cut a bit of wood with the wrong side of a Swiss Army Knife blade. Unsurprisingly it folded over, neatly slicing almost right through the first joint, severing the tendons and leaving the finger hanging off by a teeny bit of skin. A very clever reconstructive plastic surgeon stuck everything back together so well that it all works pretty much perfectly, it just looks a bit wonky.

exhaustion test, day 1, 100 push up challenge.. 😳

Ice axe through hand practising winter climbing up a tree in July, in Reading. I then had to push start the car to get to A+E. Not big, not clever.

Swiss Army penknife burried up to hilt in thigh whilst cutting the little bobble off the seat belt in order to fit child seat to car for No1 son’s first ever outing. Mrs Ambrose and MiL dropped me off at A+E and took son to the seaside. I was still waiting to be seen when they returned.

Decided to see how the new kayak performed, so went to play in Penycau Falls, in spate. Easily Grade V. Flipped, rolled, smashed head on rock. Fractured base of skull. Trip to A+E.

Most of me fell off Carreg y Barcud, Pembrokeshire. Some of me remains wedged in the tiny crack 🙁 Trip to A+E.

Mrs A and I fell off the Midi-Plan traverse. LOTS of blood, like so much I thought I was going to be sick just looking at it. She was lieing face down, the snow was SO red. All she had done was cut her lip. I wrecked the left side of my body and my right knee. Still get flashbacks, almost 25 years later. Trip to French A+E

They are shutting the local A+E. I’m doomed 🙁

bit into a far too hot pork pie.
3rd degree burns to my chin, bottom lip and chest from the hot juice/fat.