In his direction or yours?

😆

I remember one never ever did any physical exercise of any type yet talked about dieting none stop and often bought diet pills off of Ebay.

Frankly, none of you lot sound like you’re business core so why don’t you just kill yourselves ?

Okay so not really a colleague but someone in the same building as me.

At first it started off with a bra left hanging on the cubicle door in the mens toilets. Much hilarity ensued and there were rafts of giggles around the office.

About 6 months later yet another bra was found in the same toilet. Ha ha very funny, yes we’ve seen it before.

Next month a womens floral dress appears. Okay it was funny the first time but give it a rest now. Plus we’re accumulating a load of lost property.

Then with ever more frequency the items change from clothing to a weekly deposit of items such as a candelabra, a china cat, a small (and quite frankly hideous) doll, a teddy bear etc etc. It was beginning to get a bit like a live episode of the Generation Game by now.

Not only that we had a box of this shit cluttering up the office.

We had our suspicions and names were mentioned. Office gossip was, as you can imagine, rife.

A quiet spell ensues and then it returns.

First up we have a single egg. Placed discretely on the floor next to the toilet.

A few eggs and weeks later and small piles of salt appear on the floor.

This is getting annoying now and it must be equally as confusing for the cleaners who keep finding these presents. Not only that there is now genuine concern that someone may not be taking their medication.

Now the small piles of salt have a egg gently placed on top like some odd little shrine.

Its hard to know where to go from an egg and the straw that breaks the camels back is a smashed egg on the toilet floor. Being a tiled floor this is obviously quite slippery.

Managers now have really had enough and question their prime suspect no 1. It soon stops after that.

Bet you cant guess this is Local Authority 🙂

Another guy used to whistle the dambusters tune whilst walking along the corridor (here being Germany but I think only the brits would be aware of the significance)

that used to be my ring tone. swapped it for Fawlty Towers.

TuckerUK – Member

I ‘have a friend’ who’s jobs sometimes involves using company vehicles. Apparently his usual co-driver is a bit more of a perv than your regular run of the mill perv. He doesn’t just glance admiringly at the ladies, he swivels round in his chair to ogle them as we pass. Cringe worthy. Apparently.

whenever i get a van (not sign written) i take pleasure in beeping and oogling waving to the ladies. they love it really, the attention. makes them feel wanted.

self-employed here. not many people that i have to work with that i can’t stand. we usually exclude the knobbers from any jobs we’ve got going.

my office which i share with 3 female colleagues is the warmest in our building yet my manager insists on switching on a fan heater under her desk to keep her feet warm, she also does a very good Dom Joly impression when on the phone. the girl opposite me also has a fan heater under her desk…i suffer from dry eyes so when the heaters kick in…it’s sleepy time for me!!

TuckerUK – Member

I ‘have a friend’ who’s jobs sometimes involves using company vehicles. Apparently his usual co-driver is a bit more of a perv than your regular run of the mill perv. He doesn’t just glance admiringly at the ladies, he swivels round in his chair to ogle them as we pass. Cringe worthy. Apparently.

camo16’s son?

camo16’s son?

😆

Oh.

😳

Only kidding 😉

Your other thead had me in stitches earlier 😀

It’s alright, ell_tell – My boy’s going to be a star footballer, apparently. So he’ll have boobs on tap and no-one will admit he annoys them! 😀

Giving me work to do!!!

Mog +1, breathing 😉

my office which i share with 3 female colleagues is the warmest in our building yet my manager insists on switching on a fan heater under her desk to keep her feet warm, she also does a very good Dom Joly impression when on the phone. the girl opposite me also has a fan heater under her desk…i suffer from dry eyes so when the heaters kick in…it’s sleepy time for me!!

I know, what the **** is it with women insisting that it’s cold all the time???

I used to work with one (our receptionist) who despite the fact that she worked in a glass-fronted reception area which was South-facing and thus like a greenhouse 99% of the time, insisted on having a heater on behind the reception desk and wearing a coat/cardigan indoors all the time. Even in summer. Annoying as tits. Mind you I did end up banging her.

Our works went through a faze of dry humping, no one was excluded, all got a bit out of hand, until HO gave everyone a written warning.

It a prized document which I keep just in case I go for a job which requires dry humping experience 😉

my boss is bugging me in that she insists on us going for dinner after work quite regularly but then orders **** all and then keeps asking to try what Ive ordered and saying wow Ill have to get that next time complete ****t.

I just avoid eating with her now.

and then I keep getting dragged in to meetings where I know what Im talking about but she dosent so I end up having to sort shit out but Im now being asked to report everything I do weekly so again just refusing to do this and sit at my desk doing my stuff and ignore their meeting requests.
cant wait to finish this contract.

Generally get on fine with mine, but we do have the undertable fan heater one (and constant requests to turn the heat up higher than the current 35 degrees C) and the noisy eater / throat clearer.

I get them back by creating the world’s messiest desk.

there is an enormous fat bloke in our office who appears to be short sighted and so sit’s in his chair with his body slumped on the desk in front so he can tilt his head up to look at the screen – so displaying about a foot of builders bum.
He stinks, breaths like a walrus and goes for sleeps in the bogs, during which he snores loudly.

i have a colleague who if you gave him that work instruction explicitly and it was a critical operation he would then proceed to press all the buttons all at the same time…….

he speaks a language that would be helpful places i go.

i dont

i work in those countries

i’d rather(and do) go on my own and make do with their pigeon english and stick man drawings than take him….. and my boss understands this ! I dont trust him to tell the client what ive told him as direct translation, he will give his interpretation of what he thinks i “should” be saying.

I know, what the **** is it with women insisting that it’s cold all the time???

Less body fat than men, they feel a couple of degrees colder.

Mind you I did end up banging her.

You old romantic you.

trail_rat – Member
he will give his interpretation of what he thinks i “should” be saying.

How do you know ❓

johnellison – did she take her cardigan off?

hes got previous on it.

Less body fat than men, they feel a couple of degrees colder.

You have got that the wrong way around. Women have a higher % bodyfat than men do. Men generally have better metabolism.

Men generally have better metabolism.

True. I think you’ll find there are also differences in male and female subcutaneous fat layers (thicker in men). And men are generally hairier.

I know, what the **** is it with women insisting that it’s cold all the time???

there is a very simple evolutionary adoption that explains this. Have a little think about it

Fat women where I work always complain about the cold.

Years ago I worked in an office with someone who lived in London (worked in Swindon). He wouldn’t go back home each day but live in his car all week.

By Friday all the windows were open (sod datacentre security, it *reeked*) as he was most pungent. And he’d leave his Y-fronts on the back seat of his car drying after washing them in the loo sink. And his car was full of cigarette burn marks.

Eww.

people try to talk to me when im sleep in my lunch and tea breaks then get annoyed at me. I dont like any one in the workshop, one farts and burps and the other one stinks of horse crap.

also people who work through the breaks! F Off im trying to sleep!

I work in a small workshop. and have a total of 10 staff (4 office and 2 workshop and 4 engineers (me))

There was a guy in the same open plan office. He’d arrive at nine each day and promptly make a phone call to his family. He kept it very quiet, (see he could do when he wanted to) but it usually lasted 20-30 mins and was to far, far way. Then he’d turn on his PC. Then he’d moan about how long it took his PC to fire up*. And he’d make work-related calls very loudly, a form of showing off. Sometimes he’d make them from the courtesy phone in reception. That made things difficult for the receptionists handling incoming calls.

*He never thought of switching on the PC when he arrived, instead he removed the AV to speed it up. And introduced a record number of viruses to the network.

Trust me, I don’t miss him.

there is a very simple evolutionary adoption that explains this. Have a little think about it

We have this chap who does that horrible hocking up noise like he’s bring up a load of phlegm, every day without fail. He also doesn’t wash his hands after going the bog, even for a dump. Dirty get he is.

There’s the guy who texts me every day for a lift to work, only one way in and I pass him anyway, so really hard to say no, but now he’s just taking the piss

And i’m too nice to give him the vickys as I’m screaming past him at 50

Hope he shares the fuel

there is a very simple evolutionary adoption that explains this. Have a little think about it

Izz itt cos thay shave all dem pubey bits off?

People who use the work phone extensively to organise their personal life in an open plan office.

I don’t really care about the money or the rules but there are people who sit in my office who I don’t even know that well and I could tell you how many mortgages they have, when they will be paid off, which lenders rejected them, the value of their house, the cost of their dogs hair trimming, how well their husband is doing at his job interviews etc and that’s just in the last fortnight. I mean, phoning your mate to find out when he’s at the pub- fine. Phoning your mum for 5mins to see if your kids are alright- fine. But sometimes I’m embarrassed to hear the stuff I’m hearing but it’s not like I can turn my ears off.

Also anybody who holds impromptu meetings in doorways, in the kitchen, next to the water thing and then give you evils for walking past- just **** off and book a meeting room somewhere you pricks.

Wow, I’m a pretty angry person it seems. In fairness I do actually like most people in my office. Or I thought I did.

I have a collegue that interupts whatever you are saying with a very loud “correct”. Sometimes he double “corrects” you with the emphasis on the second one……correct CORRECT!…..smart4rse kn0b

Breathing.

Hope he shares the fuel

Does he ****

I could go on for hours about the other **** who feel the need to do absolutely sod all and then somehow get promoted…… obviously my nose isn’t quite brown and smelly enough

Arm chair faulting, diagnosing things without actually having the full facts, blaming the fault on someone else’ equipment.
Failing to properly test safety critical systems even though they’ve been told to go and do it but that would mean leaving the depot.
Spending an hour grizzling about doing a 5 minute job just down the road.
Leaving a piece of equipment failed for 6 months because it might get flooded and fail again.
Drive-by-maintenance.

duggan

hearing you loud and clear.

whole office hearing a colleague trying to consollidate loans was a bollocks of a day. – now everyone knows how much debt and to which credit cards- and that was with my headphones on at working levels !

worse still – he was on his mobile phone – could have quite easy gone and stood in the stair well like anyone else.

Now the small piles of salt have a egg gently placed on top like some odd little shrine.

That, there, is the work of a genius. I worked in an office environment for a while, I lasted 8 months. I never thought of toilet shrines, but I did install Doom on an IBM mainframe and organised all the manuals in the storage room by colour.

Now I work on my own, and generally just annoy myself.