I’m shagging some-one else, and it’s your fault!!

I’m sorry if what I said was misinterpreted emsz; I’m in no way apologizing for the OP’s behaviour. I not saying it’s all his wife’s fault either.

But it is a fact that she has not, for whatever reason, fulfilled his natural needs and expectations, nor understood how this has hurt him, what it has driven him to, nor sought to discuss and work through it. He has done wrong, but so has she. So it is not productive to blame either. Option 3 is to communicate and see if it can be solved, either way, with the minimum damage.

Mleh. I’ve managed to spoil my own day now.

I justified it in all kinds of ways, but ultimately it was my mistake and my problem to fix. It was about 8 years ago now, but the pain and heartache I caused changed me forever.

Not to mention the pain and heartache I caused the other woman involved…

The true measure of a man is what he would do if he thought no-one would ever find out; by that yardstick I was not the man I thought I was.

Guys – there’s some unpleasant words being written, no need for that.

Edit: Spongebob – this is the 21st Century and thank goodness people have a choice as whether they wish to remain married. Children are not stupid – it is not right for them to see adults staying together if it makes them unhappy. The OP is not just referring to sex in his original post.

Thanks C_G you stopped me posting a rambling shitty reply there

They would rather that Mum and Dad worked it out.

Everyone would but, unfortunately,this does not mean it will happen in the real world.

You are slightly wrong there I feel. Whether or not trying is successful may be in doubt, however whether or not they actually try is completely within their control. This is the real world, there is no second shot at it. The OP is doing an awesome job at looking at this while he still has a choice with there being no perfect ‘solution’ here, only a decision on which way to go next.

edit: and for c_g, I agree that either direction may be the right one but it should be a decision

To clarify obviously it is in there control if they try but this does not guarantee this trying will be succesful. Which was what i said /meant. Sorry if it was unclear.

Very wise posts from crikey, I don’t think any more needs to be said,

OP, read crikey’s posts. The answers are all there.

Junkyard – Member
says the unmarried man with no children

FTFY

Mate, although cheating is not a great idea, it can be explained. Most men need sex – simple, and if they are not getting it from their partner then they are going to eventually have to get it from somewhere else.

If women think that their men will stay loyal if they hold back sex then they are living in dreamland. Sooner or later the man will stray and despite it being a sad reason for a relationship to end, it is also inevitable, and by inevitable, I mean TRULY UNAVOIDABLE. The better his character and discipline, the longer he will last. But every man will break eventually.

The reason why men cheat when they are sexually frustrated rather than end their relationship is because:

(a) they still love their wives/girlfriends – despite how much a girl says “you can’t love someone you cheat on,” it isn’t true. You can love your wife/girlfriend, but if you don’t get to polish your nob for weeks, the temptations can be irresistible.

(b) we feel guilty for breaking up over sex – The answer to this is simple, don’t. Feeling guilty over this is like being ashamed about being a man.

Mate – hope the above makes you feel a little better. You’ve cheated but you need to understand the reasons why it’s not all your fault.

The first step is to talk to your wife – it’s more complicated of course because there are kids involved, but if she’s not even prepared to talk about the issues then that shows a basic lack of respect. If she won’t talk about it then there’s no way of finding a solution or moving forward. In this case you’ll either have to accept that things are not going to improve and live with it, or move on and try to minimise the impact for your kids.

Good luck.

Another changed user ID here. IMHO those condemning the OP out of hand have absolutely no idea of how it feels to be in a situation like that. Personally 4 times a year would be a real glut – I have 2 small kids and have had sex once since the first was born. Have contemplated the idea of an affair – I’m honest enough to admit the only reason I haven’t is lack of opportunity (I do wonder how people with kids actual manage to fit an affair into their lives).

druidh – Member

Junkyard – Member
says the unmarried man with no children

FTFY

30 year successful monogamous relationship however.

yes but you have sex dont you[rhetorcial please dont answer] This issue has provoked such scorn than multiple users are using aliases when we have aliases anyway.
No one thinks this is good or desirable.

It’s difficult and i’m not going to condemn the OP for straying, we all make our own relatavistic choices and then justify them.

I was in a relationship for 9yrs, for the last 5 yrs it was effectively sexless, she even told me that she could only have sex when piddled out of her skull which as you can guess made me feel wonderful…
Anyway, yes i cheated. Opportunistic stuff, never a ‘secret relationship’ although i suspect if one had arisen i wouldn’t have complained. Our relationship eventually floundered and died like most bad ones do, lots of recrimination and bitterness leading to my attempted(ish) suicide.
Now i’m with a wonderful woman who not only loves riding her bike but wears me out in bed!

Basically, life’s too short by half to waste it with a partner you’re not happy with. Your kids will eventually be happier to see you with someone you love than enduring the constant sniping of a loveless relationship.

Just wish i’d taken my own advice back in 2005…..

– I have 2 small kids and have had sex once since the first was born.

That’s a real bummer – bet you were hoping it would take a few more goes then that to get pregnant again 😉

Wow Crikey, brave post. I hope the OP can take some wisdom from it.

Dare I say that many women can have ‘body issues’ once children have been born? Pregnancy and childbirth are quite traumatic physically, sometimes, er, sorry but not sure how to phrase but you get the gist.

One’s whole persona can change, particularly if breast-feeding. Men can find this quite disgusting. One becomes a ‘mother’ and less a ‘lover’ perhaps?

Apologies but I’m not very good with words. 😳

Why do so many women always use sex as a control?
It is all too often on their terms even though they know what men want. I think that many wives/ girlfriends use sex to their advantage (maybe without even realising) and take their men for granted.
It’s like the wedding day is all about the bride really and once they have a husband, home, kids then they play this dangerous game on “no sex unless on my terms or unless I’m drunk”. I know many guys that would never have had affairs if their wives hadn’t played this stupid game. And isn’t it always the guy that gets the flack and the blame by the families and “friends” they’ve made over the years.
Grrrr…sorry but I really understand where the OP is. Breaking promises and vows is very often caused by stealth as mentioned above before the guy goes down the path of an affair.

tyger – that may be a reason to end the marriage but having an affair is never excusable IMO

The OP is **** deluded if he thinks his mistress isn’t going to play some major role in the future. There will come a time when she may not want to be the other woman and when she does, expect a major shit-fan interface.

My guess is he also doesn’t actually want to have sex with his wife any longer.

Everything has already changed, MTFU and make the change official.

TJ – until you’ve been there you can’t judge. I’m sorry but so often guys that end up having affairs do it because of what I mentioned.

However, if all is well with the guys marriage and he’s being selfish and wants to “play the field” to satisfy his ego then I agree with you – but this is not true in this case.

I know what a sex-less marriage is like. I guess that (to most men), that lack of physical intimacy is tantamount to lack of emotional connection, which makes it hard to reciprocate.

If you’ve tried talking about it already and she simply isn’t willing to do so, then you have to give her an incentive. “I’m having an affair” might be one, but “we need counselling or I’m leaving” might be better. She is obviously aware of how much you love the children and (under it all) still love her, so no incentive currently exists. You need to completely convince her that you are prepared to leave.

I can see that you are trying to find some sort of middle ground which keeps your home together, but seeking solace in another person is pretty selfish unless you’ve explored all other possibilities.

IMHO those condemning the OP out of hand

I’m not so sure that many are. I think that most married people will have had difficult patches at some point and a lot will have had opportunity. The point isn’t to say that it’s wrong, it’s to say that you have to make a choice, you can’t have both.

Remember also that if the partner has been staying at home with children all this time (for example) then that is exhausting and there may just be no desire. It may be time to escape for a week without children to get it back.

None of us have any idea if the above paragraph is the case – it’s just to say as others have done that if you want the sex back then the whole relationship needs to be looked at and there are places to go for that. The sex may be that last part of the relationship to arrive (as it often is in the first place).

Everything has already changed, MTFU and make the change official

nope. Sounds as though it is changing rather than has changed. Find photos of before you were married, honeymoon etc. Is that a person you would want to be with. Find out where they are now

As usual Druidh talks sense.

i’ve learnt a lot reading this

EDIT: Changed my mind.

Why do so many women always use sex as a control?

That may be what you think, male ego and all that. IMO obviously.

It’s beyond the realms of most men to look at the big picture.

It’s beyond the realms of most men to look at the big picture.

rot.

There may be a good reason for her lack of interest.

The OP probably feels alive for the first time in years, good luck to him.

morality and whatnot aside. I really respect this guy for being honest with himself and adressing whatever is troubling him. Sometimes it is really hard to be honest with yourself. Be honest with the other half as well. Or just live a fake life. whatever!

The Daily Mail Wail – tabloid tosh. 🙄

CG – nice!

I hope this never happens to you!

🙂

It’s beyond the realms of most men to look at the big picture

Ouch! I worry that there is a silent consensus among women that all men are brutish and ignorant of relationship matters. Of course I don’t know your experiences, but neither myself or my male mates resemble that remark at all. In fact I quite resent it 🙂

tyger – I really do feel that you’ve made an unfair comment but appreciate that you may possibly be talking from personal experience.

The biggest failure of marriage, imo, is due to lack of communication and this can be tied up with embarrassment, ego, shame etc etc.

Can I slip into old git mode here? I really do question whether people are programmed/able to live together for any considerable time. This is of course a completely jaded view as it is extremely unlikely that I would ever be willing to share space with anyone. 🙄

buzz – I’m old, jaded and cynical! Can’t you tell??!!

CG – firstly my comment was not a general comment towards all wives or partners – just some. That said I agree with you that communication should be the answer but guilt and control seem to be the weapons of choice used by many women.

After you sh@gged the other bird for the first time did you feel guilt? How would you feel if she was at it?
Do you still find your wife attractive? Do you do things together?
Be spontanious- take her away for a weekend somewhere just the 2 of you.
Or you could just continue nailing the ass to the floor of the young thing with the unbelievable t!ts

genuine lol!

get 2 (or more) mistresses, then when the wife finds out about 1 you can give her up in a big show of sorrow and regret….whilst still keeping 1 on the back burner.

then everyone is happy!!

My uncle still wasn’t married in his fourties which people found strange, then one day announced he was leaving the area and disappeared without trace for ten years until tracked down by a family member.

Although he never talked about women to anyone, he had been the lover of a work colleage in an unhappy marriage for most of her marriage; when the woman’s last child reached 18 they disappeared together. They both died recently, still happy together after 60 or so years.

Some women do it for me and some don’t despite being attractive, intelligent, delightful people. I’d have been daft to marry one of the ones that didn’t. It strikes me a lot of women do though, how many claim never to have had an orgasm? And how many admit to simulating all the same?