Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 43 total)
  • Mind problems
  • wibblewobble
    Free Member

    All,

    Long term forum dweller first time anon poster.

    I’ve got a problem and it’s taken me a while to accept that, your thoughts and experiences will be helpful to me as I come to terms with where I am.

    Basically I would overtly appear to be a successful, happy sort of guy with a wide range of skills etc etc Its all bo-lax frankly. I am utterly conflicted. My work I have realised is depressing me to a level that I have only just managed to mentally accept but what I have managed to work out is that I absolutely must do something else to reduce my stress. for context I work in consultancy, it’s high pressure but I know that, somehow it is out of control and it has been for some time. I send my whole life basically feeling like I am letting everyone down, compromising my personal happiness and I just want to get off. I’m not even sure what that means. I can’t continue, I know that but its a scary prospect, I have a family to support, I feel like a failure, my wife is massively supportive but I am scared of looking like a total failure – even though rationally I know ‘m not.
    It’s a confusing place to be. What I am seeking is feedback from people who might have been here – I don’t need an answer I just feel like some reassurance that I’m not going potty.
    As an example, I have a work medical today – I have to fill in my pre-form. The mental health bit I just ticked all the ones I thought would get me through it with no questioning. On reflection I have now updated it to the way I actually feel, even that little bit of change has been a +ve for me. I’m actually in tears now, I’m definitely not coping just now and it’s a scary place.
    Anyhow thanks for listening, any feedback would be useful.

    EDIT: I’m a habitual drinker, not to excess but to a level I personally now find unhealthy and disruptive. Only I can address that. I am also now starting to understand that this extends beyond work, I’m motivated and active but jesus the black dog is definitely in the house for me.

    Houns
    Full Member

    All I can say is talk. Talk to your Wife, be completely open with her. Talk to your Dr and get the ball rolling for any help needed through there.
    There’s more to life than work, your health and happiness must come first

    I’ve spent years bottling up feelings/thoughts/anxiety/depression, doing so has affected relationships and in turn has made me feel worse to the point of being suicidal. I don’t want this to happen to anyone else so talk and seek help

    grizedaleforest
    Full Member

    Houns is right. Talk to your wife and family, but I think especially your GP. I have some sense of what you’re describing from my own past. For me it turned out to be depression which was managed and treated. I went far far too long before I talked to my Dr but I am so glad I did. Good luck and best wishes.

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    mjason
    Full Member

    high pressure jobs and life responsibilities are hard to manage – lots of people have to push back to reassess or to not get back on the horse

    you are not going crazy – you are having a natural response to unnatural pressure – you are in good company

    can you take a sabbatical / time out from work? can you move to another gig?

    I would also suggest professional and employment counselling – it may be something your current gig could fund (they’d give you time out if you had a physical health issue; they should, in theory, afford the same for mental health issues)

    tjagain
    Full Member

    If the work is the problem then change it.

    counselling is very helpful IMO but unless you change the things that make you unhappy the situation will not change. But is your dissatisfaction with work a symptom or the cause?

    wibblewobble
    Free Member

    I’ll be honest and this is what bother me the most-I could easily give up and not be financially in the sh1t but for some reason this bloody treadmill has sucked me in and I feel like I will end up in a box sooner rather than later.
    I have a myriad of support functions at my disposal so what I have decided to do today is speak to this GP at 4, get on the helpline for work and do something about it. If I don’t I’m not sure I’ll be much use. Even just these few posts help me, I’m lonely, I don’t know many people, I don’t socialise much with work as frankly I have not much in common with me peers and this isolation doesn’t help.
    My wife is amazing though, once I got past the feeling like a d1ck stage.

    perchypanther
    Free Member

    I was exactly where you were for a couple of year until I had an “episode” at the start of December 2014.

    The best advice I can give you, right now, is to make an appointment with your Doctor.

    Now.

    Before you reply to a post, have a cup of tea or go to the toilet. Get up out of your chair, go into a quiet room and phone make an appointment with your GP.

    Then tonight, when you go home, have a conversation with your wife / partner / husband / mistress / best friend / dog – whoever. Someone who loves you. They’ll try to understand. Even if you think they won’t.

    Tell them how you are feeling. Show them this post. The act of doing something, anything about it will make you feel better. I bet that when you hit send on the first post you felt an odd sensation of relief? Those tiny steps of action in the face of despair always help.

    There have been numerous threads on here in exactly the same vein as yours. Tell us where you are and I absolutely guarantee that you’ll have an offer within the hour to meet for a beer or a coffee or a bike ride from someone who’s been there and will chat to you in the real world about their experiences.

    You are not alone. It’s not as bad as you think it is. It will get better if you talk to people who care and allow them to help.

    Good luck mate.

    mildbore
    Full Member

    I was in a similar situation a few years ago and I feel for you. I’ve always been inclined to negativity and coping long term with a demanding pressured job gradually dragged me to a place I never want to be again. I agree that talking, medication etc will help but I reckon you need to address the work issue to sort out the fundamental problem. This will be difficult, especially if you’ve spent years telling yourself you can cope and taking g your sense of self worth from your work, but once you can let go you will see there are many ways to live your life and it’s too short to be stuck in one that doesn’t suit you. All the best

    stuc
    Free Member

    Currently in a similar position but at a point where I could post to say so, rather than to try and run away from it.

    I took the plunge and spoke to my GP – currently signed off from work and looking at options given to me regarding CBT. All I can say at this stage is that it feels a lot better having spoken to my GP. In terms of work, well, just at the point now where I am thinking how things could be improved and trying top open up some dialogue with them.

    Having acknowledged there’s a problem family and good friends have been supportive and want to help. So whilst I’m still at an early stage I can at least echo what others above have said in terms of talking to people.

    bubs
    Full Member

    Talk to your family, talk to your GP, talk to your work. If you are at one of the larger consultancies they are well equiped and well placed to assist. Taking a break and making some distance is good to get what matters straight in your head.
    Ride your bike, walk your dog, play with your kids.

    crikey
    Free Member

    If you want to run away for a night and like the idea of wild camping, give me a shout. Beer drinking will be obligatory, as will having a good time.

    Malvern Rider
    Free Member

    You’re not a dick. Get that one sorted first. As some say, it could be (most likely is) a product of being unsuitably occupied. At 44 yrs I was in a very similar place to where you are, yet wasn’t cogent of how much the ‘lean’ start-up business cycle was destroying my health (mental and physical). This exacerbated existing marital problems until the cycle *seemed* to have no end (or beginning) so I ended up pulling the ripcord on marriage and work, not knowing where I’d land (turned out to be 18 months in a tent, volunteering, working the land/with animals, younger (ie not jaded) volunteers etc, away from tech. Not necessarily recommending such ‘drastic’ action (yet what’s more drastic than living a wrong life?) – but do wholeheartedly recommend some serious *you away* time and then a change of pace/occupation with new faces and ‘simpler’ challenges so you can reorientate/depressurise. Do talk to your family. Consider volunteering aborad for a few months (ie via helpx etc) . Most of all, right now, be easy on your good self, and all the best. My mail in profile if you feel like a chat.

    Oh, and read ‘The Power Of Now’ – Ekhart Tolle (terrible title, but I think a magnificent book, one I chanced upon reading during/following my experience and it makes a lot of sense to me)

    tjagain
    Full Member

    Well then why not take a sabatical / change jobs? Its not weak to do so. I believe a lot of the unhappiness in our world is people striving in jobs they don’t like to accumulate things they don’t need.

    I have twice been in this sort of situation. The first time I had a senior position and found it pretty stressful especially as I had responsibility without proper authority. an incident occurred which told me I no longer wanterd to work for these people. I handed in my notice and immediately felt so much better – and I hadn’t even realised I felt bad. I halved my pay and working hours in a new post.
    the other occasion I had been transferred into a dept I did not have the skills for. I did this for 18 months then had a panic attack on the way to work. I immediately set the machinery in process for a transfer to a more suitable post – then again I was better overnight once I got out of the dept. ( healthcare – I could have killed someone)

    ti_pin_man
    Free Member

    you have my utter complete empathy. we have a lot in common.

    Job I’m fed up with. Do plenty of exercise but feeling flat and half expect the black dog of depression to knock any day. Drink habitually but not needing AAnon just yet.

    Lots of people on here will try and give you solutions, which is helpful, but not what you need. Email in profile if you need my support. Very happy to be an ear to bend.

    Ro5ey
    Free Member

    How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb ?

    As many as you like, but the light bulb has got to want to change.

    The hardest hurdle my we’ll be the one you’ve just got over … well played.

    Sort it yourself and by pass the NHS … Probably the best money I’ve ever spent.

    wibblewobble
    Free Member

    I’m off work the next 2 weeks, that is unless I give into the long list of demands to ‘just dial into this call’, ‘I know you are away but can you just jump onto this’
    Last 3 holidays I have ended up working. F ark this, honestly. I’m going to use this time to reset myself and when I come back so something positive. For all those who have posted my genuine thanks. It’s odd being 42, ‘succesfull’ and yet feeling like an utter mental disaster !

    tjagain
    Full Member

    Do not under any circumstances do any work while on “holiday” don’t even answer the phone if its them.

    perchypanther
    Free Member

    It’s odd being 42, ‘succesfull’ and yet feeling like an utter mental disaster !

    It’s not odd, it’s unbelievably common.

    Nobody really likes to talk about it though.
    Except your GP. They see it every single day.

    Pigface
    Free Member

    Sounds like the start of a nervous breakdown, I only say this as a colleague who had one did a talk about it the other day. Sounds very similar, go speak to the doctor as Perchypanther says. Do it now.

    Hope you get things sorted out very brave posting such personal stuff on here. Good luck fellah.

    Pawsy_Bear
    Free Member

    stop the drinking too, it aint helping

    perchypanther
    Free Member

    Sounds like the start of a nervous breakdown

    Not allowed to call it that now. Very un-PC.

    It’s a “Mental Health Crisis”.

    deadkenny
    Free Member

    Change of pace, more focus on home and play than work. Especially if play involves exercise, like riding bikes. Massive de-stress benefit.

    Combined with changing the job situation. I’ve always subscribed to the theory that if you don’t enjoy the job, give it up. However it can be just the pressure that makes it unenjoyable and often it’s yourself that makes it a lot of pressure as you try to satisfy everyone’s demands. Change the focus from being the best, being successful, climbing the ladder and keeping the boss happy, to just doing a damn good job but switching off during breaks (and actually take breaks) and after work hours. Work to live.

    Or if possible, move into the freelance world (assuming you’re not already). Tends to be a lot less stress, politics and you run the business. Still have to deal with clients and customers though.

    As said, talk is good. Don’t knock counselling, CBT etc. Steer clear of the drugs GPs will offer by default if you can. They should never be the first option.

    But seriously… bike rides. Lots of bike rides. With groups and/or solo in really nice places you can soak in the countryside. Off road especially.

    Really is amazing what exercise does to the mind.

    Pigface
    Free Member

    Not allowed to call it that now. Very un-PC.

    Ok sorry

    earl_brutus
    Full Member

    Similar position.
    Good career well paid, travelled lots, tons of responsibility, yet lately just feel empty, highly stressed and lost the love for the job. Realised I was putting too much emphasis on climbing the career ladder, chasing the money, big house fancy car etc. none of which made me happy. Now on the long road of changing jobs to something I like ( who knows what!?!) and travelling less, making time for family friends and fun experiences.. long way to go yet but I’ve at least recognized the issues and have started the process of change. I too have had a year of relatively heavy drinking.. its a slippery but all too common slope.

    perchypanther
    Free Member

    Ok sorry

    Glad you’ve seen the error of your un-PC ways.
    I was stressing about it so much I thought I might have some kind of nervous breakdown. 😉

    wibblewobble
    Free Member

    Look if anyone needs some help feel free to get in touch and I can….hang on a minute….this is about ME 😛
    I take no pleasure from reading about the other challenges but it gives me some clarity. I know what to do, I’m not quite mental breakdown material yet but this problem needs addressed.

    Pigface
    Free Member

    I was stressing about it so much I thought I might have some kind of nervous breakdown.

    Silly sod, don’t want to hijack a serious thread.

    ti_pin_man
    Free Member

    and don’t believe them if they say hookers and coke is the answer, an affair and prescription drugs is way cheaper! 🙂

    perchypanther
    Free Member

    Silly sod, don’t want to hijack a serious thread.

    Yep, I am a silly sod and yes, this is a serious thread.

    However, there is a serious point to me being a silly sod.

    Like the OP I often used to feel like ….

    , I’m lonely, I don’t know many people, I don’t socialise much with work as frankly I have not much in common with me peers and this isolation doesn’t help.

    Being lonely in a room full of people is a horrible thing to deal with.

    A coping mechanism which I use to combat this is coming on here and being a silly sod and making dumbass jokes. It makes sitting in a room by myself for the vast majority of the day more tolerable. I’ve chosen to surround myself with people despite being physically alone. It genuinely helps.

    Kryton57
    Full Member

    I take no pleasure from reading about the other challenges but it gives me some clarity. I know what to do, I’m not quite mental breakdown material yet but this problem needs addressed.

    You’ve done the right thing, and most of the advice above is good. In 2001 I had the same issue as you, ended up on anti depressants blah de blah.

    Now, I still exhibit a lot of the same symptoms as you describe in your first post, but I know now that its within my control to change. For instance drinking became too frequent recently – not too much just too often – so I’ve loaded the cupboards with Erdinger Alc. Free and Yorkshire gold to drink for a bit instead. Yet I am sitting here on a day off worrying about meeting my Q3 sales quota (90% under) and annual quota (65% under) on my day off, having spent an excellent day and a half with the kids. Again, I’ve now turned off my phone and put it in a draw.

    Like you, I have a good immaterial & material lifestyle and what ever happens I know to take one day at a time and walk away from exaggerated worry, take a deep breath and revert to logic.

    FWIW, a while ago I looked up Mindfulness and thats worked for me when I remember to engage with it – simple 10 mins of meditation / relaxation, and timely reminders of thinking about only whats happening right now, not an hour later, not tomorrow, not next year.

    Two of my favourite memorable quotes are:

    a) “…sit down. Now as you sit do you have any problems right now, this very second? No? Then you don’t have any problems, so what are worrying about?”

    b) “If you don’t make decisions and judgements and do what you want to do because you are worrying about the perception of you by others, you are letting other people control you life”.

    oldmanmtb
    Free Member

    this is more common than i think most people realise. the reality of being a middle aged bloke in the current world is pretty grim and the expectations you place upon yourself and occasionally imposed on you by your loved ones are bloody hard work. I have had or have all those symptoms i luckily gave up the career shit a long time ago and reset all family expectations quietly and under the radar to be honest.

    To quote Frank Turner “Good ideas become commitments” i don’t have a silver bullet and the fact is most commitments family, spouse, parents, work, money tend to land on you. I get a call this morning on the train to London from my Dads care visitor to say there is a water leak in his kitchen (my missus is also 150 miles away) so when i get back tonight well after 7 i will be off to his house to sort the leak as no plumber is available and then out of bed at 5 for a 4 hour drive to oxford… Try and put some stuff in place that takes responsibility and stress away (if possible) otherwise it will destroy you.

    bobster
    Free Member

    Some very good advice and perspectives in this thread.

    You say that work is depressing – is it? Or are you already feeling that way and seeing work as depressing because of it?

    As stated before, seem to be far more common than you’d realise, there is a lot of pressure on 40 something males.

    From recent experience, if you get to the point of needing professional help (Counselling), pay for it. In my area, the NHS are limited in what they will support, you’ll be on waiting list, and more likely to be part of group sessions. Going direct, I saw someone within a week, 1 to 1 sessions. Yes, the money racks up, but it was worth every penny – much happier person now with a better perspective on life. I went with a specific goal, from the first session, the counselor identified historic issues that he suggested we return to after dealing with the issue I had presented for.

    The most important thing is you’ve identified there is a problem.

    jamj1974
    Full Member

    Basically I would overtly appear to be a successful, happy sort of guy with a wide range of skills etc etc Its all bo-lax frankly. I am utterly conflicted. My work I have realised is depressing me to a level that I have only just managed to mentally accept but what I have managed to work out is that I absolutely must do something else to reduce my stress. for context I work in consultancy, it’s high pressure but I know that, somehow it is out of control and it has been for some time. I send my whole life basically feeling like I am letting everyone down, compromising my personal happiness and I just want to get off. I’m not even sure what that means. I can’t continue, I know that but its a scary prospect, I have a family to support, I feel like a failure, my wife is massively supportive but I am scared of looking like a total failure – even though rationally I know ‘m not.

    You are describing very precisely me 4.5 years ago. It’s not just you. My emails in my profile if you you want to drop me a line. Believe me; you are not alone and I am sure you are a good, worthwhile person.

    Jay

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Lots of good advice already. I was in a not dissimilar position a year ago, needed time off work, went back too soon, took a lot more time off work, but am now getting back on a slightly different, happier track.

    Best thing I ever did was ask for help – on here, with GP, work, family. There’s a lot available, lots of people have been in this kind of situation and will offer a shoulder and advice. Use them.

    Made me realise that the majority of the human race are actually damned nice people.

    funkmasterp
    Full Member

    Nothing much to add other than people above haves given some great advice. See the GP, talk to your wife and any close family or friends. Even posting on here can help. One of the best, most welcoming and open forums I’ve come across. Also great for getting in to absurd or surreal arguments.

    I wish you the best and hope you can find what you need from life and get yourself back on the right track 🙂

    whathills
    Free Member

    tbh with life as it is for most of us, and our perceptions of other peoples expectations being as they are, its amazing that more of us don’t fall out of the loop mentally sooner.
    i was in a similar, just about holding it all together. keeping multiple plates spinning situation, fairly recently.
    Outwardly it looked like I really had it all going on. Successful businesses, socially able, and the rest.
    But a realisation came that a lot of this over acheiving was compensating for ‘old stuff’ that hadn’t been sorted.
    Not saying thats the case for you, but the first port of call is to acknowledge there is a problem. You’ve done that already,so well done. It’s a big thing even to admit vulnerabilty, especially if you are a high flying ‘coper’.

    Once you’ve fessed up it’s amazing just how many people are willing to help, or even just to listen.
    Being listened to, non judgmentally is massively important. you don’t necessarily want solutions or ‘fixing’ just some recognition that things aren’t OK for you, and support in finding your own way through it all.
    Good luck, it won’t be a linear, or quick process, there will be times when you feel like you’re not getting anywhere, but be prepared to be amazed at a) how many people, who you thought were fine, will go *yeah me too” and b) how help will come when you ask for it, sometimes from the least expected places!

    thepurist
    Full Member

    Wibblewobble you are already doing better than I did. I was in a similar line of work,, outwardly successful but inwardly destroying any shred of positivity about myself, my life, my worth. I changed jobs again and again, even changed careers but it took a major incident to get me to the gp. Even then I didn’t think I was ill,i just needed to fix the thing that caused the incident. I’ve been through counselling, CBT, medication and group therapy and 9 or so years later I’m in a job I enjoy, which I can leave at the office door and which still pays the bills.

    Look after yourself, talk more, forget the rat race and spend some time on you.

    philxx1975
    Free Member

    Letting people down, bizzarre thing is being dead in a box is a formidable equaliser and where you think you are now can get worse, I was similar to you but it got to the point where I wondered about the worth of my very existence, the resounding cure was not to worry what others think , you can feel damned if you do damned if you don’t but eventually you move on

    johnnywhitesox
    Free Member

    All sounds very similar to what I am going through and have been for the last couple of years. Not got the added issue of drinking but everything else rings very true. Spoke to my wife constantly about how I feel and she has been a rock. Spoke to colleagues I can trust who all can empathise with what I have been feeling. Not considered professional help but being able to talk to those closest to me has been what has kept me going……also, Sunday mornings out on the bike with mates gives a few hours of me being able to forget about the crap that drags me down.
    Try to care less about what work colleagues think of you, just worry about doing your best when you are there and nothing more.
    A good inspirational watch is the Wilko Johnson documentary about him and what he went through and how he came out the other side……in particular he talks about most of the crap we go through life worrying about really doesn’t matter.
    Most of all, speak to those around you who care and you will be fine.

    wibblewobble
    Free Member

    All,

    Wanted to come back with progress – saw GP earlier in the week which was very positive, now have an active management plan in place and have the next few weeks off work to do some things and have a break. The support has been tremendous and I am hoping that over time I will work out if its my work or something more wide that is what stresses me out so much – I need to work that one out before I lob my job in as at least here I have access to support services, docs etc as part of my work. Thanks all for the +ve and humourous responses much appreciated in a time of crisis for me !

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