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  • Milk thief – retribution
  • Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    Milkman delivers a 4 pint plastic bottle early mornings.
    Twice now in the last fortnight it’s been gone by the time we open the door at about 7am.

    My first thought was:
    Get milkman to leave milk out of sight around the side of the house.
    Carefully remove tamperproof top from a milkbottle.
    Remove contents. Swill some white paint around inside surface.
    Add dog s#1t and top up with liquid.
    Refit tamperproof top and hope that said thief gets as far as his morning cuppa.

    Following extensive psychological profiling etc, we’ve concluded that the prime suspect is likely to be someone on way to work on the nearby industrial estate.

    Any other suggestions short of semtex and a mercury tilt switch would be welcome.

    qwerty
    Free Member

    picolax

    rogerthecat
    Free Member

    +1 for picolax

    yetidave
    Free Member

    maybe a neighbour who gets woken up by milkman at 4am every morning and has had enough…. (do you live on my street?) 😉

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    oo, picolax, that’s a good start, but would need milk to stay fresh for a while as we don’t know when he’ll strike again.

    piemonster
    Full Member

    Another Picolax vote

    piemonster
    Full Member

    oo, picolax, that’s a good start, but would need milk to stay fresh for a while as we don’t know when he’ll strike again.

    I think it’s worth the investment.

    johndoh
    Free Member

    Buy a bottle, leave it a few weeks to go off, then leave it out for the thief.

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    Too little impact/return on investment johndoh

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    Needs to be a stealth strike – after all, he does know where you live…

    If it’s only a couple of times a fortnight, and a four pint bottle, then your retribution is probably going to be inflicted on an entire workplace, not just the guilty individual concerned.

    (And the trouble with Picolax, of course, is getting the dose right – a cuppa’s worth of milk won’t have enough in it, and you can’t up the amount in case he drinks the lot!)

    cb
    Full Member

    Just leave a note where the milk usually is saying “Milk thief, smile – you’re on CCTV”. When he looks up, jump off the roof ninja style (where obviously you’ve been camping out for a fortnight waiting for him) and chop both his hands off. I think that would qualify as proportional.

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    If it’s only a couple of times a fortnight, and a four pint bottle, then your retribution is probably going to be inflicted on an entire workplace, not just the guilty individual concerned.

    I can live with that. Handlin’ stolen goods innit 😉

    Needs to be a stealth strike – after all, he does know where you live…

    This was the Mrs’ word of caution, and why I’m drawn to the picolax idea.

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    The note (left under the bottle) could also ask him if he enjoyed the milk you pissed in last week.

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    you can’t up the amount in case he drinks the lot

    I’m sure I could live with that too.

    allthepies
    Free Member

    Subcontract the mission to a crack CIA wet*-ops team.

    * they must do milk hits.

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    The note (left under the bottle) could also ask him if he enjoyed the milk you pissed in last week.

    Too subtle

    hmanchester
    Free Member

    +1000 Picolax

    piemonster
    Full Member

    I’d have taken laxatizing the whole workplace as a plus.

    Then not only will the villain be pooped out to the eyeballs. But they’ll suffer the wrath of their colleagues.

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    Subcontract the mission to a crack CIA wet*-ops team

    Nah, collaboration = weak link. I operate alone.

    piemonster
    Full Member

    OP, you must keep this thread alive.

    I’m going to settle in for the long run. Although I’m not in the mood for biccys.


    image by piemonster, on Flickr

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    It’s OK, I looked it up out of interest, and apparently overdosing isn’t particularly harmful, as it isn’t actually absorbed by the bowel – it just magnifies the ‘cleansing’ effect.

    Bit of dehydration perhaps, so if you leave out a bottle of mineral water and some bog roll alongside the four-pinter then your conscience, and his lower intestine, will be pristinely clear.

    ocrider
    Full Member

    If it’s only a couple of times a fortnight, and a four pint bottle, then your retribution is probably going to be inflicted on an entire workplace, not just the guilty individual concerned.

    Picolax it is then!

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    I’d have taken laxatizing the whole workplace as a plus.

    Then not only will the villain be pooped out to the eyeballs. But they’ll suffer the wrath of their colleagues. I’m with you on that one piemonster.

    romans/5-12.
    Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned–. King James Bible …

    kimbers
    Full Member

    substitute it for soya milk that stuff is nasty

    or picolax in uht so it will last

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    What if he’s nicking it for his family? Could be a child’s faeces…

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    OP, you must keep this thread alive.

    which might prove difficult on the basis that this is possibly the first thread where the STW hivemind are indeed as one.

    sputnik
    Free Member

    LOL at martinhutch!

    Problem is if you do something horrible to the milk and he realises this, there is nothing stopping him from doing something horrible back.

    Best option is to ask the milkman to put the milk in a different place.

    GrahamS
    Full Member

    Could be a child’s faeces…

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    picolax in uht so it will last

    hmm, yep, that’s good. I guess I could also inject through the bottle in liquid form, so as not to expose to atmosphere.

    Plan coming together nicely I feel.

    Now, where to get PIcolax in large quantaties?
    Where’s DrP when you need him?

    scaled
    Free Member
    zokes
    Free Member

    You can get it off ebay

    That looks a bit shit, to be honest…

    tinsy
    Free Member

    You can get it off ebay

    That looks a bit shit, to be honest…

    Groan… with a smirk.

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    If I was being all responsible, I guess I could try a phased approach.

    Phase 1. Bitrex sounds promising.

    Phase 2. Picolax

    Phase 3. ???

    cranberry
    Free Member

    Do what a local farm did when someone was taking eggs rather than putting money in the honesty box – fit up a small, motion sensitive camera, get the culprit on film and have them prosecuted for theft.

    Or make up a dogshit trip mine.

    drlex
    Free Member

    Needs to be a stealth strike – after all, he does know where you live…

    Ricin, then?

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    …trip mine

    nah, needs to be activated by moving the bottle, can’t afford the negative publicity associated with potential collateral damage.

    Dark-Side
    Full Member

    Liquid viagra maybe even more entertaining.

    molgrips
    Free Member

    You can get it off ebay

    Dear god…

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    Liquid viagra maybe even more entertaining

    You live up to your name Dark Side.

    Ecky-Thump
    Free Member

    THIS looks like it has potential too. 😉

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