Anyone done this, looking for advice.

I am separated from my wife for over a year now (as the result of her affair..but thats another story), currently divorcing, fairly amicable (if we dont speak to each other). We have a boy nearly 4 who is awesome, and adjusting well (doesnt seem to have affected him)

I now have moved on, and have a new girlfriend who also has a boy, 9 months younger than mine. The boys get along great most of the time, once we had gotten past the whole sharing of toys etc at my house why we spend most of our time.

What we (my new GF and I) kind of struggle with is discipline, and having a common approach as our boys are both very different.

So anyone essentially brought two family units together, and any advice on best approaches?

Cheers

Rolled-up newspaper and rubbing their noses in it, isn’t it?

Speaking as someone who neither has children nor the desire to change that, I am of course fully STW-qualified to offer advice. They both need to understand that you both have jurisdiction over them, and that means never undermining each other. If daddy says “stop that” and mummy says “it’s ok dear, carry on” then they’ve got you over a barrel. If you disagree with each other’s decisions, discuss it later in private rather than in front of the kids so that next time you’re both on the same page.

Failing that, put the fear of god into the little shits.

APF 😉

Don’t know if this will help, but my mum and dad struggled with a common approach to discipline with me and my brother. He was always in trouble and resented authority, I was much more laid back and would take the easy way. And much more sensitive. Dad said he’d dial back his approach to me tenfold from my brother, brother wouldn’t take any notice and I’d be in tears!

Kids are different, seems to be part of the fun, whether they’ve always been siblings or just starting out.

Good luck!

What we (my new GF and I) kind of struggle with is discipline, and having a common approach as our boys are both very different.

In what way are they very different? And despite Cougar’s lack of personal experience he makes a very good point – consistency and a common front are key at that age.

It’s not just a matter of you and your GF finding a compromise though, is it? There are (presumably) two other parents involved, with their own approaches.

And if you decide to live together, how much time will the boys spend together at yours, compared to one/both at the other parent’s house?

Too complex for STW, maybe try Mumsnet? That’s a serious suggestion, they have a sub-forum for step-parenting.

Sounds tough, one thing kids ALWAYS moan about is “fair” – my advice would be to have a chat with them, all 4 of your together, when they’ve not been naughty and try to explain, as best you can to such young kids what the rules are now.

Although I might have skipped ahead a touch, you and GF have to agree on how it all works, the two systems won’t coexist.

I wouldn’t be so sure that this hasn’t/isn’t affecting your son…it will be.

also going through this, but with 5 teenagers, 2 mine, 3 hers. It’s very tough. I have no wisdom, but for what its worth I live with her and mine visit every other weekend. They’re all between 16-19. The approach is she manages hers, I manage mine. Hers a a nightmare compared to mine, so I coach in background, but don’t deal directly. That is very very difficult however, and I have on rare occasion just left the room for fear of ‘stepping in’ cack handedly.

As an aside, at no other point during the years of raising kids has it been as hard as it is now. Good grief. 😯

I thought the key was to ensure one of them knew which one was the ‘favourite’ and which one the ‘spare’?

is the new GF fitter than ex wife ?

Another thing I would add to cougars words is never bring a girlfriend into your sons life until you know it’s serious, (having been dating for 6 months atleast was my rule before me being introduced to girlfriends children) because it’s not right to bring a succession of people into there life they grow to love and then lose.

Because after four or five relationships you might meet the one but by then your son does not not only not make the effort but may prove to hinder your relationship.

I know growing up with several so called step dads

I thought the key was to ensure one of them knew which one was the ‘favourite’ and which one the ‘spare’?

This, they know who it is, no matter how much you try and pretend….

Jakester wins.

Seriously though? Plus one for finding a compromise system – two sets of rules will end up in the kids resenting each other. I’d say that for all the basic incompatibilities my wife and I suffered the most crucial one was how parenting looks. Work hard to lay out what you want from your parenting and why you feel some styles will be more effective than others, listen attentively to your partner and respect the fact she will be right about some stuff (aside from anything that will open her mind to you being right about other things), and if you’re really struggling to find a common ground neither of you hate then get some family counselling. If you really love and respect her it’ll be more than worth it.

If even this proves fruitless then you ought to consider the possibility that you aren’t compatible in at least one crucial component of your new family set-up, and both boys could suffer serious upset throughout adult life if you ignore something like that.

My girlfriend uses a Reddit.com/r/stepparents forum which she feels is a lot more accepting and intelligent/positive than some others she’s read. She’s pretty sure she wouldn’t be the awesome stepmum she is without the helpful advice and suggestions she’s read there.

d4ddydo666 – Member
Jakester wins.

Yay! That makes up for never being the favourite when I was growing up… 😉

Rolled-up newspaper and rubbing their noses in it, isn’t it?

Failing that, put the fear of god into the little shits.

😆
Doesn’t that pretty much sum up child-rearing, though?
Sorry, it did make me laugh.
I have nothing to add, however, having never had kids, and now entering into a relationship where the g/f’s girls are 21 and 17, and living independent lives, I’m not having to worry about the issues the OP is going to have to deal with.
I do wish him and his g/f the very best of luck for the future, and hope everything pans out well for them and the kids.

Not been there myself either, I’m divorced but kids are grown up. You discipline your own child ? Common rules are required though and imo if its your house its largely your rules

You are about to undertake one of the most difficult things known to man. I know, I’ve tried it twice and failed – or we all failed – on both occasions. So, whilst trying to set my own ‘issues’ aside I would identify the following learning points:
1)You haven’t mentioned getting married, yet you are undertaking something even more important. To give yourselves the best chance of success, you must get married. Bold statement I know but here’s why: both kids have just seen one ‘happy family ‘ disintegrate, and they now have profound anxiety about the same thing happening again. The anxiety will be unbearable for them so they will seek to sabotage/’test’ the new situation to see how ‘safe’ it is. Can they really believe it? They would ‘rather’ see it break up then live with the unbearable anxiety of living with the fear of it breaking up. They cannot articulate this because they are 4. They will play up instead. Maybe you have same anxiety? I;m sure partner does. If you are not at least considering marriage, why not? That was the million dollar learning point for me. If you are not going to commit to marriage, don’t do it.
2)It’s easy to say you and your partner have to be rock solid. But nothing ever is now is it?. Is it solid enough? You will disagree over child rearing. There will be resentments between you over unfair treatment. As has been said you need absolute clarity and loyalty to the rules you agree:
-maintain collective responsibility ie back each other up when you think she’s wrong.
-who makes the final decision.
-There is nothing more threatening to any of us than being told in effect: I think you are a bad parent. So this needs massive sensitivity, even though you are both walking wounded.
-give yourselves quality time/date nights/check in nights after difficult weeknds . Maybe relate as a back up plan.
3)This seems quite quick. Maybe give yourself two years recovery time before signing contracts.
4)ON a positive note, at least the boys are young and they will adapt/accept /follow your lead. Teenagers /11 plus different scenario. Make it easy for the kids give them a narrative : I’m not your Dad and I don’t want to take his place, think of me like an uncle. Plan for : you cant tell me what to do you’re not my dad; (if you havent heard this already )
5)Some good Relate books on all this: Parenting Step by Step rings a bell.
6)Prepare for sabotage by ex es who will feel jealous of your new set up.
Sorry if this is a bit of a dirge: I do know some friends who have pulled off the step family thing and it’s a lovely thing to behold, but its difficulties are immense. My gut feeling is take it a bit more slowly and it might emerge naturally rather than being forced. You could actually ask the children if it’s it what they want, and ‘coach’ them round. It needs their consent. Good luck.

1)

I can’t imagine any child who’s well looked after would give a tuppenny shit about whether their parents are married or not. Commitment sure as chip said; kids need stability, not a piece of paper.

At four years old they’ll be thinking “here’s my new daddy” rather than “well Alphonse, I don’t know if we can wholly trust this relationship because we’ve been burned in the past so we may be let down by our faux-parental units in the future.”

2)

If it’s not rock solid, why are you getting married? You don’t get married to make you solid, you get married because you are solid.

3)

Over a year, moved on. I can’t really see both parties going “oh shit, how wrong we were!!” in the next six months.

#StillNotAparentSoClearlyAnExpert

Thanks Guys (and Gals?) This place is awesome.

If I was in your predicament I would opt for a military style approach, this has the distinct advantage of showing no favour to any individual and sets up a level playing field.

Start off with rigid times for get up and breakfast, followed by a good hour of PT, a short break then move onto some bedroom inspections, arrange a roster for cleaning duties and ensure they know how to use a mop, brush and a dust pan.
An hour of instruction before lunch followed by marching drills in the afternoon.
Before long you will have 2 well disciplined youngsters who will have bonded through a mutual contempt for you, it may seem hard at first but perseverance will reward you later !
In time your new partner will thank you.