Okay so its a slow day at work, enrolment has begun and its worryingly quiet, so I’m looking to be amused with stories of how the first meeting of the OHs children have gone for people. One is 11 and one is 14 and we’re all going to pizza express on Friday night. I’ve already had classic nuggets from people at work such as ‘dont be too sharp they’re only kids, in fact dont talk at all’. Okay go for it, put the fear of god into me!

be scared – very scared. They are only kids 🙂

as long as the pizza tastes good you will be allright 😉

Just think that they’ll be thinking “you ain’t Mom are you”… whilst looking at you sideways over their iPhones..

😯

😆

HTH’s

Kids are basically humans without any humanity.

Take pepper spray.

Are you familiar with the works of Stampy Longnose?
Do you know the difference between a Creeper and a Spider Jockey?
Have you vanquished the Ender Dragon?

If not then you’re probably screwed.

or , alternatively, just be yourself and chill out. They’re only kids, not Aliens. Just don’t try too hard.

oh, and watch out…..THEY CAN SMELL FEAR!

Unfortunately/fortunately 90% of how they behave and treat you will depend on how their Mother feels about the meeting. If there’s a bitter and twisted ‘ex’ in the background….it won’t be fun. If its the opposite, then you’ll be fine.

If you can’t cook you are screwed! Screwed! Big time!

Women must know how to cook coz men cook better … look at men in charged of BBQ.

If you can cook well they will love you and I don’t mean baked potatoes or some of the salad raw vegs or microwave food or some pasta whatever.

😆

are they boys ? low cut top and hot pants should suffice if so 🙂

Do a rap to introduce yourself, complete with homie-style gangland posturing. Kids love that shit!

If it helps, my own kids scare the bejeesus out of me.

The OH is the youngest of 4 so there’s a lot of nieces and nephews, I had to join in with Just Dance and Sing-star, so basically this

Kids are basically humans without any humanity.

I got a good report for turning up in the MG and being able to play call of duty.

Do a rap to introduce yourself, complete with homie-style gangland posturing. Kids love that shit!

Yeah! This….. and refer to them as “blud” and “dog”. Ya get me?

It’s well gangsta, innit!

About a year and a half after my dad passed away, my mum started a new relationship – so in this case I’m the OH’s child (though to be fair, I was 40 and my mum nearly seventy, as was her new amour)

Me being me, first time I had met him, just before Christmas – I said ‘So, you’re the bloke who’s shagging my Mum then?’

My mum laughed her head off, my daughter also laughed her head off

He was mortified, went off in a big strop, didn’t speak to me for 24 hours, and then went off back home without a by-your-leave or shaking my hand. 😆

Fortunately my mum backed me up 100% – as she said, I was exactly the same as I would have been with anyone 🙂 however I’ve not spoken to him since 😳

If they’re female, wear your favourite One Direction t-shirt, a black armband, and sporadically burst into tears.

If they’re male, conspicuously, and noisily fart just as the pizza arrives

While there’s no doubt some truth in what rockape says, I reckon kids that age are pretty good at deciding for themselves who’s a dick and who’s not.

Also, since its Pizza Express, and if the menu hasn’t changed for twenty years, you can be as hilarious as my friends and I were as students and enquire of the waitress at pudding time, ‘Can I see your pear, tart?’. That should go down well.

Walk like a gangster with one shoulder drop and one leg dipping with attitude. Start with the greeting “Yo! Yo! Yo!”.

11?
14?

Dead.
Meat.

Show solidarity with them by ordering the most expensive things on the menu. Then don’t eat any of it.
Be sure to complain that everything takes too long and constantly fidget in your chair.
Refuse to enter conversation with anyone and sullenly stare at your ipad until it’s taken away…. then start kicking one of the other kids under the table.
When the food arrives, be sure to throw a loud tantrum because it’s not what you wanted although, clearly, it IS what you asked for.
The food arriving is your cue to then go to the toilet twelve times in the next half hour whilst shouting at the top of your voice about how you’re ” really, really bursting!”
Oh, and definitely knock over at least one drink.

That’s exactly what my last experience of taking my kids to Pizza Express was like.

Best of luck.

Walk like a gangster with one shoulder drop and one leg dipping with attitude. Start with the greeting “Yo! Yo! Yo!”.

……and be sure to mention your numerous ” mad skillz, yo!” as many times as you can.

Pop phycology here but I guess they are probably goign to hate you, as you are taking some of their mums / Dads attention away.

I’d walk away now and avoid the torment.

Meet them o/s for a ciggie?

*books table at pizza express Stourbridge *

If you change it to Pizza Hut there’s unlimited salad bar. Winner!

Just don’t try too hard

That’s all you need to know 🙂

*books table at pizza express Stourbridge*

Again? You never take me anywhere nice. Frikkin cheapskate. I TOLD you I wanted to wear my new frock Friday.

Houns – Member
*books table at pizza express Stourbridge *

Take your Phone and take pics, do some undercover reporting please too whilst you are there, live feed would be great..

Ta

😆

😆 😆 😆 awesome replies as usual from STW. I believe we’re going to merry hill and not Stourbridge so you might want to alter your booking! I’m fine with them sitting on their iPhones so long as I can join in! Him and his wife have been divorced for I think around ten years now so no angst left there. I may have to turn on my swear filter between now and then in the hope it’ll hold on the evening!

Oooooo free tantrum entertainment up the mezza,I’ll bring the family 🙂

Hoof them in the slats.

Date? Merry hell?

This doesn’t bode well

Remember to fist bump and gangster hug them then give them the gangster signs with one in each hand.

Never ever normal hug. Never! Coz that is for the weak and needy. You want to use gangster hug to give you the upper hand in putting them in their place.

They should know their place!

When ordering food only order proper red meat stuff preferably medium cooked. If they order something else, not chunky meat, just laugh at them then tell them they lack vitamins to grow proper.

Also wear a gangster head scarf …

That should sort things out for the evening.

If they play up, don’t forget to withhold the pudding!