Or your relationship might die. I’m not totally sure if my relationship was as close as others, but that’s looking back through a grey filter. Though whilst losing my friends was coincidental with my current relationship, I can’t blame it on that – I got very dedicated into racing which seemed to keep me busy every weekend friends were meeting up (I also missed a few weddings), and training every evening. I was happy with that, with my social contacts being the people I raced with or against and my partner (and her friends). Then we had kids and I stopped racing. I now have a good selection of friends on FB who live in different parts of the country, mostly people I met through racing – lots of people I do get on really well with, but haven’t seen for several years, and not sure when I’m likely to see again – I only just need more than one hand to count those I have seen this year, a couple of which are local acquaintances, a couple are people I’ve met once.

muppetWrangler – I’m going to be congruent here just for the hell of it, no other reason. I’m aware of your story, for want of a better way of putting it, and it resonated with me for some reason. My own partner is on some pretty awful drugs that will, eventually, either take their toll or stop taking effect and put her back at square one.

I don’t know whether or not it’s because I simply didn’t post or read the same threads as you but I noticed a lack of attendance last xmas and kind of knew what it meant. All I wanted to do was email you and tell you how much I felt for you – for losing your life-friend – but something stopped me*. I still get a weird feeling every time I read some of your posts – like this thread and the way you voice my dread and fear of the future – and also feel so much envy at the way you seem capable of just carrying on.

But I guess there’s no other way when all’s said and done…

*Edit : Probably the fact that you’d think “Who the **** is this weirdo emailing me out of the blue…”

teasel – I did write a much longer reply but have deleted it as it’s straying too far from the OP’s original point but I don’t want to leave your post unanswered. Apologies to everyone else for going off topic.

From experience I know this really is easier said than done but try not to fear the future, it serves no useful purpose, change what you can for the better and deal with what you can’t change in the best way you know how. The truth of the matter is yes you may well struggle at times, I know I did from the day of the diagnosis and still do right up to today. But it’s uncharted territory and the only way to find out if it gets better is to keep trying to move forward. I think that the perception that other people cope with things better than ourselves is skewed by us only being able to see what they choose to let us see, behind closed doors they may be an emotional wreck.

As for not emailing, don’t beat yourself up about it. Some people did email and although we didn’t enter into any long correspondence I’m grateful to them but I doubt I would have done had the roles been reversed. At the time I just didn’t realise that something so apparently insignificant could be worthwhile. I like to think that I would react differently now.

I can’t empathise with your loss. I have no frame of reference. Yet. My condolences nonetheless. Mates? Real ones? Mine are all 200 miles away. Not really managed to make any genuine ones in the 20 plus years I’ve moved away. I’m not worried. We meet up mAybe once a year. I figure if the first thing you do is take the piss, unreservedly, out of each other you can pretty much bank on those people to be there when you need them.

Hope it all pans out for you fella. (Almost went for mate there!)

Thought provoking thread this..

Sorry for your loss OP, it’s there time you find out who your real friends are.

I’m saddened to hear your story aswell MuppetWrangler and Teasel.

I am lucky in the fact that I met my best buddy in play school and we are still BFF today, that’s 30+ years of friendship and I’m only 34! I recently got my bike licence and purchased one of his bikes and he is like a kid at Christmas every time we go out. He said he was proud of me and loved me last time he was pished! Legend.. He went to Australia for a year about 10 years ago and I cried when he left as I never thought he would come back, I missed him but loved his monthly phone call to get all his news.

We were inseparable at school and remain very close, couldn’t ask for a better friend. The only other real friend I have is a member of this forum Alan Petrie (although I can’t remember his username ; ).. We have been pals for about 15 years and met through a mutual friend, we started biking together and the rest is history, he is as daft as a brush, a total scutter merchant to go riding with, a marketing mans dream with new kit and bikes, overthinks and underestimates his riding abilities but a proper good bloke.

The rest pass by like ships in the night so I can’t be arsed anymore, I’m the same with work colleagues, been called arrogant, selfish, rude, cocky amongst others, do I care? Not a jot! I’m there to pay the bills not make friends. I have met some good people playing ice hockey aswell who will be promoted to good friend status at some point.

All I ask is that people are honest, reliable and trustworthy. I grew up with 2 brothers and 1 sister but I really enjoy my own company much to my wife’s annoyance. I used to get frustrated at my family as they never come to visit us, we always have to go to them but I let it go over my head now, “we haven’t seen or heard from you in weeks” is the usual line.. I always say “well I haven’t moved or changed my number”.. “We don’t want to bother you” is the usual reply!

My older brother hasn’t spoken to me in 4 months because I told him to stop over reacting and taking everything personally at work (we work for the same company). I usually back down but not this time!

Sorry just realised how much I have rambled on, had to get the last few paragraphs off my chest!

Night all.

Nothing to contribute, but a great thread.

I had a proper best mate until the age of 20 our so, pretty much from the age of 2 our 3, the message I got from him after mum died was almost formal. I may be somewhat to blame, after being made redundant I became a little aloof to protect myself I guess Tha that’s now coming back to bite me.

I take on board the points about friendship beyond a two way street bit street but after making efforts it would be nice if that was to be repaid

My mate and colleague’s dad died the other day, unexpectedly.

I haven’t spoken to him yet – I have no idea if he wants me to or not. If it were me I’d not want anyone to say anything really because I hate a fuss. I’d prefer everyone to carry on as normal, mostly. So it’s hard to appreciate if he feels any different to what I think I would.

So it’s probably that people don’t know what to say or if you’d rather be left alone or not.

I lost my mum to cancer last year, it was hard and painful. So my thoughts are with you, I’d say sorry for your loss but I know it doesn’t do the feeling justice
My wife was amazing with helping me and will always be my best friend (even though I can be a bit t*t sometimes)
As for mates, I have two close mates, one I’ve know for 40 years and one just a few.
I always thought I was strange just having two close friends when colleges and workmates seemed to have loads, I know I’m a bit closed, unapproachable and ‘different’ but reading this thread has made me smile to think I’m not the only one

Sorry to hear about your loss Bedds

Due to a combination of having a year abroad, one mate falling out with me, health problems (lyme), no cash for going out I’ve not got a single one

I haven’t spoken to him yet – I have no idea if he wants me to or not. If it were me I’d not want anyone to say anything really because I hate a fuss. I’d prefer everyone to carry on as normal, mostly. So it’s hard to appreciate if he feels any different to what I think I would.

You might be absolutely right about your mate but unless you ask you’ll never know for sure whether he wants to speak or not. Doesn’t need to be much, I remember receiving and really appreciating a couple of messages along similar lines to this:

“So sorry to hear about…. I hope you are ok, and coping. If there is anything at all I can do even if it’s just a chat, let me know. Otherwise we’ll catch up as soon as you feel up to it”

I am sorry for your loss, I lost my father about a year ago.

I don’t have any mates I can call upon but then I would feel I was imposing if I did, so maybe it’s more about me. However I am totally with the poster who said quality, not quantity. I cling onto the belief (probably naively) then when I need someone hopefully whoever that person will just come along.

I am lucky in the fact that I met my best buddy in play school and we are still BFF today, that’s 30+ years of friendship and I’m only 34! I recently got my bike licence and purchased one of his bikes and he is like a kid at Christmas every time we go out. He said he was proud of me and loved me last time he was pished! Legend.. He went to Australia for a year about 10 years ago and I cried when he left as I never thought he would come back, I missed him but loved his monthly phone call to get all his news

🙂 that’s awesome!

Who knows, a couple? Maybe four or five? I’m rubbish at that kind of thing. I have about three or four circles of friends, all through biking and there’s a little bit of overlap but not much. As such there’s quite a few people I could message and go for a ride with. But if my mum died a lot of those people would only know if I said something, which I’m unlikely to do. My naturally pessimistic side says there would only be a couple that would reach out to me. If I was optimistic then maybe half a dozen. I’d like to think that my kids would be amongst those even if they’ve grown up and left home by that stage. I spend a lot of time with my kids not because I have to but because they are a lot of fun to be with, my little girl and I were pretending to be Eric and Ernie this morning which brightened up what could be quite a dark day.

I have 2-3 really close mates. But they come from a group of mates who’ve all known each other for 15 years plus. My best mate from home is great, can go for a month without contact and pick up the phone and chat like we’d spoken the day before. We’ve both been through tough times over the last few years and helped each other out a lot. Heading back to Belfast tomorrow for 2 weeks and we’ve got plenty of catching up to do. From personal experience the mates that really matter and that genuinely care, will stick by your side. I’ve had a lot of ‘friends’ come and go. The best ones remain.

Oh and I’ve made some great biking friends too. Most of them I’d certainly socialise with outside of biking.

Sorry for your loss. I have been there and it’s not easy.

I find I need 2 types of mates:
– distraction therapy, those to ride bikes with and talk about anything else. Blokes are great at this.
– tea, cake and sympathy mates. This is wher you want girl mates. Blokes are crap at this beyond the initial gutted for you sentence.

Exceptions do exist and a few will be able to do either/both.

Mates are still mates it’s just some blokes won’t off stuff that’s uncomfortable. And you likely won’t ask (but some will come through if you do).

It does get better and things will get back to the way they were. Call your best buddies for a chat. They won’t know what you’re up to but will be concerned.

Good luck.

Just off to pick up my two best mates. And take them to the swings after school…. 😕

Sorry for your loss, to be honest I think, as has been said, people are unsure what to do, doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking of you.

I definitely feel like the number of good mates I have is dropping, at that stage in life when we don’t have kids, a lot of our friends now do and so are normally too busy to meet up, or when we do meet up can’t hold a conversation for more than two minutes without either wanting to talk about their kids or just turning round and making baby noises at them. Arranged to meet up for lunch with a mate who was my best man a few years ago and his wife and baby last weekend at a cafe/restaurant, they stayed for 50 minutes, the minute they finished eating the main they packed up the kid and pissed off, not even asking if we were having desert or coffee, or saying they had to be somewhere. Made me think there is no point in bothering!

that i could call when it hits the fan, none.
that says more about my current depression level than it does my mates, i can count half a dozen who would be pretty pissed off i felt like that, but i wouldnt burden their lives with my problems..

catch22/spiral thing.

5 i can and would count on but facebook reckons i have at least a hundred , 3 of my five ain’t on facebook!
OP sorry for your loss , it may well be that if your friends are all male they do not express themselves well around times such as this as they are better tooled to offer practical help and solutions not emotional support at a point when the only real solution is time. It may be that all you need to do is ask them out for a pint and a chat for you to get what you need.

I definitely feel like the number of good mates I have is dropping, at that stage in life when we don’t have kids, a lot of our friends now do and so are normally too busy to meet up, or when we do meet up can’t hold a conversation for more than two minutes without either wanting to talk about their kids or just turning round and making baby noises at them.

I’ll get accused of being a child-hater again, but this is one of the things that makes me most sad about quite a few people who have kids. Some people manage to integrate them into their lives and remain friends with people and still do stuff/have a social life that includes those outside their family. Other people just become incredible insular and dare I say it self-centred (just that the ‘self’ is now extended to partner and sprogs).

Phrases like ‘I’d do anything for my family’, and ‘my family are the only thing that really matters to me’, while biologically understandable are not really particularly healthy or desirable IMO.

Sorry to hear about your mum, so sad to hear the other stories too. 🙁 I was working in Birmingham in a fairly multi-cultural environment when my mum passed, and anecdotally I found that my “white” buddies were quite shy about me and asking about it, whilst my “non-white” friends were very sympathetic and actually fairly inquisitive about it. A sweeping generalisation, I know – I didn’t mind either way, I just found it quite interesting. There was just one white guy from work who rang me up on my compassionate leave who said straight off the bat he thought I’d appreciate having something else to chat about, and I really appreciated that, but I don’t know if I can think of many other people who initiated contact. It didn’t bother me (I’m quite happy in my own company at the best of times, but I can imagine it being hard for more sociable folks) and I know I’d find it awkward to speak to someone in the same position – a woman at our drama group lost her dad recently, everyone was great and chatty with her, I thought she’s probably had enough of that and just gave her a hug when she was free for a minute.

Edit – on a more “about mates” basis, they seem to just come and go. I’d probably claim 3 that, at this minute, I could call on should things go Pete Tong, there have been many more I could have called on at different stages of my life. It’s sad, some genuine fantastic people I haven’t seen for years – if there’s one decent thing about Facebook, it’s that it allows you to at least keep tabs with some of them, even if you’re not in full contact any more.

Friendships don’t just happen. They’re like any other relationship. You have to make an effort. They take work.

This was my thought when I started reading the thread and I’m not great at making an effort but have circles of friends, mostly through riding as that’s how I’ve met people since moving to Edinburgh a few years back.

Still BFF with two from school. When my dad died in October one of them told his boss and just left work for the day to meet me at the pub so we could have a good old emotional drink about it. Thinking about it now already that makes me cry too. Nearly. Or the bus is dusty.

I’ll get accused of being a child-hater again, but this is one of the things that makes me most sad about quite a few people who have kids. Some people manage to integrate them into their lives and remain friends with people and still do stuff/have a social life that includes those outside their family. Other people just become incredible insular and dare I say it self-centred (just that the ‘self’ is now extended to partner and sprogs).
Phrases like ‘I’d do anything for my family’, and ‘my family are the only thing that really matters to me’, while biologically understandable are not really particularly healthy or desirable IMO.

But that’s the way some of us have chosen to live, so it must have its merits. It might not suit you but I’d not have it any other way. Horses for courses. It’s not right or wrong.

But that’s the way some of us have chosen to live, so it must have its merits. It might not suit you but I’d not have it any other way. Horses for courses. It’s not right or wrong.

If it works for you it works for you. I still think it’s a bit sad though.

a bit sad though.

Everyone sees the world through different eyes, I’ve never been happier.

not right or wrong.

It’s wrong (IMO) when you stop giving two hoots about people who you’ve know for decades, even when they are struggling with things.

Fwiw I’m looking forward to having kids (bar the nappies) but I hope i can balance kids and mates and see beyond what one small facial expression means