OK so hora…good points sir.yes ive been crap for approx three years.i used to be wet pathertic, didnt have an opinion etc.i changed a lot 18 months ago and "found myself" she likes the new me more but old habits die hard.she is very very critical and by her admission regualry puts me down unfairly.we both built up a wall of resentment to the point (i think) where resentment was the default setting even before anything happened it was presumed the other party would do it wrong,badly,late etc etc.
i do belive its highly unlikely sha would do this again.i know what you will all say and yes anything is possible,but i still say unlikely.
we joked once that we are just like pete and pammy from gavin and stacey, and then i thought thats actually not funny cos we are. 😯
whats so strange is my mood and feeling change almost every five hours or so,i hate her, then pity her, then miss her,then something else.i guess this will change in time as its only five days ago so still really early.
ironically we have had mental sex twice since she told me and lots of cuddles and long calm chats, but i still just feel suspicious that she hasnt begged me to forgive her etc.she has apologised quite humbally twice.
im sleeping in another room and on sat night she said she did i want to sleep back in our bed if i wanted to?i declined and then she got all moody with me because i said no.i read that as her being upset at my decline but im sure you will all say she has a damn cheek to "offer"

Don't make her beg! Sounds to me like there is an element of you that wants to punish her.

Establish if you both really want to make it work – not patch things up for the sake of the kids but really make a happy marriage.

If you do then get professional help.

Be careful of that amazing heart-break sex. It's a sure fire way to cloud your judgement.

If you are going to sort this out, I'd suggest a bit of time apart so you can both get your heads straight – it's too easy to just drift back into life as it was prior to this incident without addressing the issues and causes.

Be careful of that amazing heart-break sex. It's a sure fire way to cloud your judgement.

Be careful? **** that!!!!!! Balls to the wind if I was offered amazing sex. Heck if sex with men was interesting I'd switch sides! 😆

mrs toast, your post is very interesting. i kind of think the same.we could have split at any time and were always throwing the threat of divorce at each other.in fact it was loosing weight as we had said it so much it didnt really mean anything anymore.sad isnt it.but yes i think she prob deff doesnt have the balls to just choose to end it.she has been divorced once and never wanted that to happen again..
thing is i am intrigued as to weahter this could help us "break the cycle" so to speak.we get on great when its good.we took the kids out the other day and had a great time.on a day to day basis, it now seems ok as we both dont see to be stressed any more?weird?

Possibly just because she isn't carrying the guilt anymore?

As has been said above, mainly by TJ, you clearly seem to want this to work so all you can do now is find out whether she wants it to work. Ask her directly whether she loves you and wants to be with you and the expense of all others and is prepared to change wherever required in order to make it work.

If she says yes then go forward together. If no, move on.

If she says 'I don't know' then you will just continue to drift along as you seem to have done for some time.

Do you think you can get past it? Will you always be listening out for her saying another guy's name when you're making love? Will you be able to put it out of your mind that she might be thinking about someone else?

Sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but unless you can hand-on-heart say you can put it behind you, you're gonna have to move on.

I'd leave forgiveness to the christians. If she has done it once she could do it again, I'd walk away very safe in the knowledge that you deserve better and intend to find it.

Feeling for you chap.
As a younger, more niave chap, I did the consoling her mullarkey, after she's been dumped by someone she had been having an affair with. I put it down to having been in love with her & it being a reaction to seeing someone I loved being hurt. Christ, what a bloody mug I felt a few months down the line.
With years of life experience behind me I'd waste no more time on anyone that put me through that again. Make plans to move on.

I agree with Takisawa. I've done the same thing. Moved on now. Too 4 years abroad and well away from her. Much better off now. I live with Mrs Admiralable near the sea with 2 gorgeous kids. 🙂

But why is is that I always seem to get adverts for makeup on this thread?

Please say you weren't 'the other man' when your relationship started?

I did the consoling her mullarkey, after she's been dumped by someone she had been having an affair with

That bit I am struggling with. Shows the disparity of your feelings compared to theirs about each other to a degree?

When me and my first wife split, there was talk that she had been stopping at this blokes house in the village. I was told by some good friends not to let her see this bloke (friend of both of us) on here own. How you do that without the use of chains i don't know. We split for a while and then got back together to try one last time. Its always in the back of your head and will never go.
In the end we called it a day. It was sad at the time and i hit a big low but you get through the other side. Trusting people is hard to start off with and you will hold people away to start with.
Happy now, married again this year and planning a family. I'm riding more and doing more things now than i was back then. My advice to you is get out now. If not you will always be asking was it just a kiss, does she still think of him when we hop on the good foot and do the bad thing? Its hard but it'll be worth it in the end.

It sounds to me that despite what most have said on this thread you want to give the relationship another chance. If thats the the case she must show you willingness to rebuild the relationship. Its very easy for people to talk in a sincere manner and sex while emotions are high may seem amazing but it is not the sign of a repaired relationship.

Really you both need to (and must want to) go to a professional. Discussing it on here can help but its only betweeen the two of you and with the guidance of a professional that you can understand the issues properly and rebuild the relationship in a constructive manner. Going it alone leaves your relationship open to corruption by unhelpful feelings such as resentment, jelousy and anger E.g her feelings of rejection from your reluctance to sleep in the same bed/ or is it her trying to iron over the cracks with sex and closness/or are you punishing her by sleeping alone.
There will be lots of things like this going on (from both sides)that are unconscious and unsaid,they will eat away at your relationship subtley. An impartial profession will be to see this and make you aware and guide you away from them.

When I was younger (24) I was to marry in the September of 1991. In the June of that year a young lad I vaguely knew from the local pub came round to my mum and dad's house (where I still lived). This was the day before me and my fiancee were to sign for our first home together in readiness for the marriage.

It turns out the lad was the stepson of our mortgage adviser and he (and his mum)had just found out his stepdad was seeing my fiancee and they wanted to make sure I found out before we signed anything.

It turned out that my fiancee was hoping to get the paperwork signed so she could then tell me I was history and have this (much older) guy move in with her.

I went on a downhill spiral of heavy drinking (including one mad night drinking De Krupers Cherry Brandy with an old fella from the local pub) for about three months then met someone else, had non-stop sex for two months (the first time being the very day I was meant to be getting married) and came out of the other side realising just how lucky I had been.

It did take me 15 years to get around to getting married after that particular episode in my life though. 🙂

I reckon this can work out for you both, having been in this situation albiet i was the one in the wrong and it was more than kissing never the less we have two kids and a life that was worth fighting for so we gave it everything and by christ it was hard for the first couple of years…yes years, but 5 years down the line things are pretty good now and although the cloud will always hand over us we have learnt to move past this and trust has been earned back. I dont believe that people never change,,,i f**ked up and paid the price but one thing i learnt was what was important to me and that is something I wont risk again. Life is pretty complicated and people cock things up, I cant vouch for her intentions or character but you can only try and give her a second chance, you will see the signs if it's not working out..poeple always do, then it's time to move on.

Do you love each other? Do you still find each other attractive? Do you even like each other?

So you have chatted at length, what are the conclusions from these conversations, if life has been so miserable together and you have been to relate and it still not working then there is only one outcome, it sounds like finances & children are the main reason your still together, otherwise what else is there.

Think you should ask each other some serious questions and make a decision to split up or try again.

@mastiles_fanylion glad you got back up! what a horrible woman!

@OP I think she was opening the door to the relationship by saying you can sleep back in the bed.

I'd be be angry as hell and throw her out no questions asked etc and I would not be sleeping on the couch of her mate if I hadn't done anything wrong but you did-your relationship sucked and she went out of it to find the romance elsewhere when she could have divorced so you are all wrong but no excuse to cheat but people do.

What do you want? do you want her back? do you want an open relationship?
For the kids? (no way its probably worse).

If you want her back-sleep in the same bed tonight and talk-its a start.
Or sleep in your other bed if its over and talk.

I always try to forgive, if I think someone deserves it.

If she misses you, then you'll make it up.

you have my sympathies mate, sounds horrific, and i hope you get it sorted. people only treat you like shite because you let them. i'd leave.

@mastiles_fanylion glad you got back up! what a horrible woman!

Yeah, her own parents disowned her for several years 😯 and told me (on several occasions) they wished I was their son instead of her being their daughter. Truly mad time but I look back on it and have nothing in my mind but relief we never married – I had a proper life of going out with friends and doing stuff (ie mountain biking) that she would have stifled me from doing. I simply never saw what she was doing to me when we were together but soon saw the light as soon as the mammoth summer-long hangover had gone.

Sound's rubbish fella, I have been in a similar situation, and I decided to take the hit and end it. The following year was pretty grim, but this seemed better than decades of ongoing grim. Although 'panic' sex can be great, it won't last, you have to remember what your sex has been like for the last year or so for a better prediction of what it will be like in the future.

then met someone else, had non-stop sex for two months

Do you still keep in touch with him or have you drifted apart?

Walk away?
RUN LIKE A B@STARD!
This is the most treacherous thing a partner can do. She at no time considered your feelings and has told you that the bloke didn't want sex with her which says she was bang up for it. Maybe the bloke realised that he didn't want a relationship with someone so untrustworthy.
Whatever, try to view this as an opportunity for a new start. Money isn't the be all end all but DO NOT SELL YOUR BIKE. You will be needing this and you'll only be paying for 2 x children not 5.
In the meantime; rude the bitch right up (Anal, golden etc etc) and if you see her getting upset and missing her feller laugh loudly and tell her it's her own fault. Snakes with t1ts.

Sad situation. The affair may be a symptom of unhappiness, or it may just be a random attraction that got out of control, or a bit of both.

You still love her enough to want to keep her. Do you think she loves you as much? Try to find out somehow, because it will indicate what to do.

The very best of luck to you, and whatever happens, don't sell your bike.

I am not being funny mate she is lucky to have a guy that would take on 3 of her kids, after reading that I am convinced that you need to make a clean break. This is not for her but you, it feels like shit now and hard to do but trust me does get better.

Don’t waste the rest of your life she can’t take the kids away from you and you won’t be no good if unhappy, you have one life just live it.
She is one ungrateful woman does not deserve you plenty more fish in the sea, trust me does get better one day.

Yeah don't sell your bike what ever you do. You'll need an outlet. It'll help you de-stress. The kids will pick up on you being stressed out. You need to be calm and relaxed for the kids.

My tuppenceworth FWIW as I've been there more than once.

Couple of questions (apologies if this has been covered and I missed it)

What was the reason for her first 'marriage' ending?
Do you realise that she is still lying to you about the 'other' relationship?
Are you prepared to continue to live with a woman who, for whatever reason, is/was prepared to shatter 6 lives ie. yours and five children for a relationship that she is now openly grieveing over?

I will never pretend to fathom what goes on in the mind of some women (and men for that matter) and by all means go to counselling if you feel it will be worthwhile.

Sorry if the above is rather blunt but you are in a truly crap situation and appear to have been dumped on from a great height. One thing that struck a chord with me was that she 'got moody' when you refused to share the bedroom. She is the one in the wrong and sounds like she is very used to getting her own way.

As I don't know you (or your wife), I would therefore never offer advice but maybe the above will give you some food for thought.

If she seems more gutted about breaking up with this guy rather than over what she's done then u have to leave her in my opinion. All this talk about u being partly at fault and having to stick at it because of the kids is bollocks, how much of a chance did she give your family before tapping off with this bloke who is 'the one'? All relationships go through ups and downs, but just getting involved with someone else before you try an hold your own family together is a lame/easy choice.

If you forgive her when she's not even looked for it, then you'll be a doormat and/or in a constant state of uncertainty for years to come.

Leave now. In time you may be able to sort it out but you cannot continue living with someone who has treated you like crap.

go to Relate ON YOUR OWN, try to work out your own feelings and tell her that she NEEDS to let you do this before you make any decisions. Do not move out of the house if its partly yours. Try not to involve the kids as best as possible.

Avoid drink & drugs. Use exercise & hard work instead.

good luck and remember just be cause its dark where you are now its gonna be sunny somewhere else and in time the world will turn and you'll be under the sun again.

good luck mate.

From personal experience. You cross the line and it's over. I don't have kids though. My other half's parents split for a few years, they lived in seperate houses but still kept in contact and tried to keep the family together. They are back together now after 6 years apart and have bought a house together again……. It can work but it's up to you to decide how that plays out i feel.

Whatever you choose to do. don't get rid of you bike. Sell it and get a cheaper one if you have to.
Ride through the shit.

The sooner you end it the better IMHO.

Thought about it on the way in this morning. From you consoling her. The relationship dynamics have changed for you both. She treats you more as a friend/co-habiter. You almost the same without realising it. You 'think' you should be at a certain level but in reality (subconsciously?) both of you have moved on.

Same old adage, you love someone but then with time you come to be fond of them.

Talk.

we both built up a wall of resentment to the point (i think) where resentment was the default setting even before anything happened it was presumed the other party would do it wrong,badly,late etc

mmmm sounds like my other half. I'll dump her if you do!!
Although if yours is willing to talk it might work…

Anyone else being especially nice to their other half at the moment? 🙄

Noticed how I said it sounds like my other half….
Anyone else being especially condescending at the moment? 🙄

As others have said,

It -can- work, if you both want it to. Seems like that's in question at the moment. You need to resolve this one way or the other first of all.

There's a chance that this could be the kick up the arse that you both need to buck your ideas up and remember why you're together, and to stop taking each other for granted. I'd disagree with the notion that "she's done it once, she'll do it again"; as someone else said, I'd suggest that this is a symptom of a problem, not a cause. Fix the right problem.

To be honest though, from what you've said it does sound like she's not interested. For it to work, you both have to commit to fixing things, otherwise she absolutely will stray again, it's just a matter of time. It's not enough just for you to forgive, and the onus shouldn't be on you alone to sort this out.

My gut feeling on this (as a random bloke on the other end of the Internet and therefore an expert) is that you should be giving very real consideration to the idea of kicking her out and moving on. Not for the infidelity, but for what essentially sounds like the contempt she has for you. It's easy to get complacent or distracted and anyone can make a mistake, but then to be not just unapologetic but actively distraught that it didn't work out is just downright callous. That's the showstopper for me, right there.

if it was me i'd walk away (yes easier said than done and dont know your full details) yes financially you will suffer depending on what you have outstanding but the worst that can happen is you have a sh*t credit rating for a number of years..

she deserves **** all sympathy for having feelings for the other bloke when he dumped her… for that alone i'd tell her to sling her hook!

best of luck anyway..

she's not happy,
she had an amazing spark with him,
she has an affair, then it doesn't work out like she wanted, so she's upset…

Its all about her isnt it? all about her feelings and what she wants, she's looking after her time you started looking after yourself.

go out for a bike ride then chuck her out! – then think about what you want for once

* whatever you do, don't leave the house yourself, suggest she goes and gets some space and has some time at her mums, something like that – while you stay at home and look after the kids. Mark my words, if you move out and leave the kids with her, you'll regret it for the rest of your life!