Happy to volunteer myself as the first candidate.

We had a new carpet fitted in the youngest daughter’s bedroom today. Two guys arrived, introduced themselves quite briefly, and asked to be shown to the room. I took them there and explicitly stated, “Can you keep the existing carpet intact when you take it out, please? I’ve got someone wanting to buy it, it’s just the right size for their room.”

“No problem mate, where do you want us to put it?”

I suggested the garage, offered a brew (no, we’re fine) and was then fairly bluntly instructed to leave them to it.

Shortly thereafter I noticed one of the guys bringing slices of carpet down and taking them to the garage. It had already been a fairly shit day up to that point anyway, so I just sat on the sofa, rubbing my temples and wondering what to do. If they’d cut it up, there’d be no point complaining about it, would there? It’s not like they could magic it back into a complete carpet again.

Eventually, and fuelled by thoughts of my furious wife asking “Why the hell didn’t you complain to them?”, I thought I should pipe up and ask why they’d cut up the carpet, when I’d asked them to save it.

“Oh, that? That was the underlay mate. I’ll bring the carpet down in a minute. Nightmare getting that out in one piece.”

Well, I can confirm that the last gasp ‘capsize in the shallows’ technique for disembarking from a water park inflatable donut is simultaneously the most embarrassing for a middle aged dad and the most hilarious for what appeared to be half the schoolchildren in Portugal.

I once disguised myself as a popular child’s bike from the seventies.

thegreatape – you have it all wrong. I deliberately get my arse stuck through the donut, stand up with it still attached, fall over and splash around a bit (make sure you go fully under at least once for maximum effect) and then disembark. My kids get so embarrassed it’s brilliant.

I tried that, but my legs are so short that I couldn’t touch the bottom, even though my arse practically was. My two younger children were still young enough to laugh along with the rest of the crowd, my teenager got shot of us as soon as we were through the gates.

Walking out of a motorway service station this summer I was slightly ahead of my wife and two kids.

As we neared the car park I instinctively put out both hands to my sides expecting one or both of my kids to take hold. On feeling a small hand grasp my left hand I started out to cross the busy road when I heard a shriek and felt a sudden tug to my left.

Cue one very shaken mother looking accusingly at this would be child abducter who had tried to snatch her little boy 😳

As we neared the car park I instinctively put out both hands to my sides expecting one or both of my kids to take hold. On feeling a small hand grasp my left hand I started out to cross the busy road when I heard a shriek and felt a sudden tug to my left.
Cue one very shaken mother looking accusingly at this would be child abducted who had tried to drag off her little boy

That old chestnut, I suppose that was a banana in your pocket too.

In a chemistry lesson I was asked to draw ‘the table’. I drew the wooden bench I was sat at, the stool and the gas tap for the Bunsen burner before it was pointed out by the teacher he was referring to the periodic table.

Been making myself look like a tw*t ever since.

As we neared the car park

Still got the van, bregante? 8)

Nine posts in and this thread is doing nothing for the dignity of the Office of Constable!

Nine posts in and this thread is doing nothing for the dignity of the Office of Constable!

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsEtaX207a4[/video]

And lo … they became police officers!

😆

.

On a day off riding in Alpe d’huez I decdided it would be fun to have a go on the CONCRETE luge and it would be more fun if I tried to get to the bottom without using the brake. On the exit of the very last corner and with the whole queue looking on I slammed on the brake, flipped upside down and slid to a halt with the luge on top of me. As casually as I could and without looking anyone in the eye I untangled myself, handed over my luge and walked away pretending I hadn’t just melted my shirt and given myself huge friction burns.

Bumped into Steve Peat and Adele Croxon in Meadowhall Retail Park some years ago – I started with some really cringeworthy comment that I seem to have blanked from my memory and then proceeded to ask how his season was going. He politely informed me that his season had ended due to an injury (that I’m sure anyone with half an ounce of MTB DH knowledge would have been fully aware of at the time) 😳

Running through the end of the WC course at Stromlo on a weekday and glancing over my shoulder at the kicker exiting the 4x track when the finish line drop appeared. 0.1s to decide to jump or roll, thought it wasn’t too big from a glance earlier and as I was going slow just roll it. Too big and steep to roll straight over the bars onto face (not a FF) in front of a load of DH kids who all kindly asked if I was OK while I skulked off in shame.

mistook a nightclub bouncers ‘speak to the hand’ gesture for an invitation to high five.