In an underground covert OP onto a sheet of cling film with 3 other squaddies for company. No big deal, we all had to do it – 3 wks of boilies, yer gonna have to go at some point & you can’t do a turd outside as its not exactly tactical.

The worst bit was having to wrap the bugger up, then stuff it in your Bergan & carry the fecker about till the exercise was over. Not nice.

When I was younger I was working at my gramps farm, nature called so I ran over the brow of a hill, there was nothing in site for miles in that direction. Squat down about to let rip when two military helicopters come overhead at very low level drop some ropes and a load of blokes start dropping out of it…

I’ve shat in hundreds of Scottish outdoors locations. Fine dumps, weighty and substantial. Who needs water and porcelain?

Best one was in Glen Dhu, Sutherland, saying hello to the walkers as they passed. No shame, it’s only natural.

Quickest outdoor poo – Kaudom National Park in Namibia, into a hole I had dug myself, watched by an armed ranger in case lions got too close. Yikes.

Last outdoor poo – behind some trees along the A830 between Glenfinnan and Arisaig. Took great care so as not to be visible from the road. Completely forgot about the steam train. Not ideal.

Out in some fairly large surf and couldn’t be bothered to paddle back in. So just paddled out and to the side of the line up, dropped me wetsuit and released some brown trout back into the wild. I had to adopt a sort of sitting position with a bit of a breaststroke to keep a bit of forward momentum to avoid any comeback.

Top tip
Take trousers off and pants, put your legs in a carrier bag and hold onto a branch and let the turd see the plastic

What we used to do when night fishing for three or four days, I progressed to a tall bucket in my bivvy with a bin liner in

Tie it up and put it in the bin in the nearest layby.