We moved to Sweden 4 years ago and from a parents perspective it has been great for the kids. No crime and a very equal society, freedom to run about, climb trees, camp and do loads of things outside. They can cycle to school and the education system is focused on the child and not just results. We do loads of nice things like skating on lakes, skiing, etc. Anyway from my 8 year old daughters point of view when ever she gets tired or finds things hard she goes off on one about how she is so sad here, does not feel at home, does not like the school she goes to, misses the tree house I built for her in our garden in Sheffield, misses the noise of cars and does not feel safe here. At school her teachers say she is doing really well and is happy and has lots of friends (But Swedes are not that honest when it comes to negative stuff so hopefully this is the real picture)

We do live in a lovely old flat in the centre of town but it is lacking neighbours and other children to play with. We were thinking of moving to somewhere out of town where there would be more community and the children could run out of the door to their friends houses and also have more neighbours and feel part of things. Problem is that it is a big commitment and I can’t tell if it is the right thing to do or not. One of the problems living abroad is missing family and friends and we do not get that many visitors. My parents are farmers so don’t get that much free time. I have a good job but my wife is not working which is very unusual in Sweden and she is also wondering what is the best thing for us.

We still have a house back in Sheffield which a friend lives in so we can go back there when we want and it still feels like how my daughter remembers it so there is alot of focus for her on it being her real home. She has said she would never forgive us if we sold it.

Any advice on how to help my daughter and help her deal with her feelings. Is it worth the risk of moving or just move back to the UK?

She’s 8. She’ll get over it.

When she’s 18 she can start making decisions herself.

She is 8 and has to put up and shut up IMO. Tough but that’s life.

Some loving, caring parental responses thus far! How much of an effort do you make in terms of getting her into ‘clubs’ and activities out of school – with other kids rather than just the family?

Sounds to me like she is using it as a bit of a stick to poke you with. But also your comments about needing playmates etc are very valid. She must be bored if there’s no-one to interact with outside school. The situation you describe was the single best thing about my childhood, and the people I ran out to play with are still my best mates 25 years later.

GTFU?

Any advice on how to help my daughter and help her deal with her feelings.

You’re in a difficult position. It might be useful to fix up some sessions with a child counsellor/therapist/psychologist who can talk things through with your daughter. These are sometimes reclaimable from health insurance or can be organised through school district (don’t know how it works in Sweden/your situation obviously).

I’m no expert by any stretch but at 8 years old, you’re just coming to form a sense of identity and your self. It might be that the fixation with treehouse/old house etc isn’t really so much because she misses Sheffield/family as much as she’s finding it difficult (like all kids do) to work out who she is in life: “if only I was back in Sheffield I wouldn’t feel like this”. And that’s probably a heightened sensation (to some degree) being the bilingual child of immigrants (I’m making assumptions about who you are, and don’t know how cosmopolitan your bit of Sweden is). After all, if it was 4 years ago and she’s 8 now, that’s a very long time ago (isn’t it? I don’t know).

Where you live might also come into it: some kids like to have a garden, wendy house, kids next door to play with. But otoh it might not matter for others.

Good luck. I’m sure everything will be fine. 🙂

Let her go – once she experiences the hardships of trying to hold down a job and support herself she will come back with her tail between her legs…

She is 8 now so 4 when she moved away from the uk. How many of these memories do you think are real and how many built up from conversion?

This sound like her psychological lever.

SO you moved when she was 4 and she is still hung up over the old house and things? If you and your wife want to stay then I would consider selling the house so that the dream of going back there goes.

I live in Denmark so I know what you mean about the Scandinavian mentality and culture. I would say that there are not that many sports and things in schools so you need to get her into some clubs. We’ve been through handball, football, BMX and gymnsatics so far and some have been more of a hit than others (thankfully not handball as I know nothing about it and it seems tedious)
We live in a middle sized town (by Danish standards) with about 20 000 people and we have made plenty of friends through the kids day care and sports clubs (I also ride with the cycling club)

I would personally do what you and your wife think is best, I agree with you about Scandinavia being a good place to raise kids and we have no intention of moving back to the UK. She’s too young to understand the pros and cons and as plumber says she needs to GTFU.
If you are not going back then you need to make it clear that you aren’t and that she should get stuck into being in Sweden rather than longing for Sheffield.

Good luck with it, I am sure it must be tough

GEDA,
I took my wife and kids out to Munich when the kids were 2yo and 6yo.

Wife gave up a decent job to go and spent the first 6 months wondering if she’d done the right thing. She studied an MBA with Open University whilst out there to give her a fighting chance of getting back into a descent job after (it worked) and this provided focus at the time.

Our 2yo had no real recollection of UK and therefore adapted just fine.

Our 6yo however, spent the first two years wishing he was back in the UK, usually whenever he was either ill or in trouble. Basically it was a convenient excuse and a very easy button to press to make parents feel bad.

The interesting flip-side of the coin though was that once we returned to UK, they all (me included) spent years wishing we were back in Munich.

It gave both of them a whole load of great experiences that they wouldn’t otherwise have had.
Overall, we’d do it again tomorrow given the chance.
Kids are great at making parents feel bad. It doesn’t necessarily mean there is any problem, they just do that anyway whenever it suits.

We were thinking of moving to somewhere out of town where there would be more community and the children could run out of the door to their friends houses and also have more neighbours and feel part of things.

^^Get on and do this.

I second the point that friends outside of school are pretty much vital to the mental health of kids IMO. School was a place to learn, outside school was a place to have fun and be with friends. If there’s no friends there, what’s she coming home to – boredom? Why would she wan’t to live there if her home life has limited interest? (not being unkind to you, but see it from her perspective). Life’s not about being safe and equal and nice, it’s about having friends and family and interacting.

From a personal perspective I’d rather be broke, living a 1 bedroom flat in a country village with friends than live in a pokey city centre flat with no outside world and no friends.

[of course kids will press any buttons needed to get their chosen response so would take some careful consideration]

IME – kids will tell you whatever they think will get the right response [for them]

Other things are more likely to be an issue so you need to figure them out if you can, it’s difficult trying to get to the nub of the problem sometimes because they pick up on any leading question

good luck

My daughter was born in Poland, brought to UK when she was tiny. We left for Ireland when she was 2.5y.o. and, whilst I often wonder what we’ve done, she loves it here.
If it were somebody else’s kid, what would you suggest? Practice what you preach!

i hope the first two have not bred as they seem to have no interest in their childrens feelings.
Complicated as I assume she is pressing your buttons tbh and difficult to tell how real it is. Children cannot make the best choices and weigh up the pros and cons of life in the UK v Sweden ony you can and ther eis not correct answer.
She does need friends though so do something to create this.

She’s 8, and you’re the boss. I’ve got two girls, aged 7 and 11, and I know just how manipulative they can be 🙄

Sign her up for some clubs, after school activities, invite school friends over to play / pyjama party / whatever.

And if it’s any help, we moved into our estate a couple of years ago, and it’s only recently that the eldest has made real friends here – it takes time, more perhaps than you’d expect.

Thanks for the advice so far. Our flat is far from pokey, that is why it is so hard to move. She does diving and has friends who live near by, just not out of the door. One of her best friends is moving to Stockholm which she is comparing herself to moving back to the UK. So that is another thing that is hard thing for her but she has always been obsessed about going back to the UK. I am more looking about ideas what to do.

i hope the first two have not bred as they seem to have no interest in their childrens feelings.

You clearly haven’t.

Letting children make decisions about their life is utterly irresponsible. That’s why parents exist. They’re not your friends.

I get what the first two are saying as that parents make the decisions. But what to do about the consequences is the hard bit.

Letting children make decisions about their life is utterly irresponsible. That’s why parents exist. They’re not your friends.

🙄

You clearly haven’t.

Wrong

Letting children make decisions about their life is utterly irresponsible.

Really depends on what the issue is – I assume you let them make some decisions and negotiate on others. If you read my post it might be clear as to who I thought should make the decision on this issue.

That’s why parents exist. They’re not your friends.

ah right I respect my friends feelings but ignore my kids got you.

As I said it is a complicated issue and i would not let a young child make the deicison but nor would I make a decision that completely ignored her feelings on the grounds she will get over it.

well said junkyard i couldnt be arsed with it.

When she’s 18 she can go, now she does as told. Don’t you think it’s better that way? I don’t believe in tree-huggin’ happy hippy approach, you run the family, you make decisions. If you were considering leaving Sweden and were asking Bulgaria or UK it’d be different, as things are – tell her to go out and play, make friends, stop whinging and start making things happen for her.

@Junkyard, you just don’t have a clue, never mind 😀

That’s why parents exist. They’re not your friends

They ought to be, I feel. It clearly doesn’t make sense to let kids run things, but you can let them give their input and consider it, and let them make decisions where it’s safe to do so.

tell her to go out and play, make friends, stop whinging

Wow, that’s pretty simple minded!

When she’s 18 she can go, now she does as told. Don’t you think it’s better that way?

For me or for her ? 🙄

@Junkyard, you just don’t have a clue, never mind

I am not ashamed or bothered that I lack your lack of empathy or that I lack the ability to rule my house like I am a demi-god . Still if it keeps your fragile ego secure and your impoverished intellect sustained ….. 😉

I know it’s easier said than done, that’s what we’re here for 😉

when your eighteen you can do what you like… 🙄
any other approach does require something from you though so i can see why this works best for you.

SO your daughters 8, perfect time for her to start identifying her own beleif systems and identity.. perfect time to dig you in the ribs too whether you are back in the UK or not, it matters not where you are this kind of thing will happen anywhere.
You have to start making positive social choices for your children though, get them to join clubs, involve them in the countries activities etc. it’s what you would do here isn’t it? sure it is.
The more outward looking your child is the les time she’ll spend inward looking and picking on you.
Remember she is 8, you are the adult, you make the choices and decisions about what goes on in your world.

IME – kids will tell you whatever they think will get the right response [for them]

Other things are more likely to be an issue so you need to figure them out if you can, it’s difficult trying to get to the nub of the problem sometimes because they pick up on any leading question

good luck

+1

Moving back to the UK obviously isn’t an issue..
despite what others may say, letting an 8YO influence life-changing family decisions based on sentimental memories that they may or more likely may not have seems a little extreme..

So concentrate on improving the situation out there.. with input at least in the form of discussion from your daughter..
I’m guessing that you’ve probably already done this to death though and are almost ready to give up..

send her to boarding school..?

Up until you mentioned Sheffield, I was wondering if you were my brother in disguise.
He moved to Gothenburg about 4 years ago with his Swedish missus and 2 girls who are now 7 and 9.
Having been out to visit a few times, it looks a great place to raise kids. Far better than cramped and busy old blighty.

Far better than cramped and busy old blighty

Oh don’t start!

go on holiday, but to hull. for a month. then she’ll want to go back to sweden

I would say let your children make as many decisions and cause as much havoc as possible when they are little but as a parent you always have to have strength and make the big decisions.

I grew up having fires, building camps, making explosions and the like growing up on the farm but we always had lots of responsibility and did what we were told when it mattered. Not much need for teenage rebellion then

No crime

BS, I watched Wallander on Sat night and it was all kicking off!

Wallander, Skåne. Thats where I live. Most popular crime is people stealing bikes but that would not make a good story.

Get her in to speak to someone who can help her work through this stuff. That someone not being a parent may be an advantage!

Most popular crime is people stealing bikes but that would not make a good story.

If the STW collective lived in Skane, there would be lots of bike theft-related murders…

Slight thread hijack, I’m going to be in Karlskoga for a week (on business) pretty soon, does anyone know what it’s like at all? Can’t find much about it on the internets, other than the Alfred Nobel museum…

If the STW collective lived in Skane, there would be lots of bike theft-related murders angry posts from keyboard warriors…

FTFY

She just needs some local friends.