Viewing 20 posts - 1 through 20 (of 20 total)
  • Life after Divorce?
  • growinglad
    Free Member

    Well, looks like it’s my turn.

    Things have been dodgy for years, we’ve been married for 11 years, together for 4 or so years before that. Anyways, after the birth of our daughter (she’s 8year old) things went a bit weird. They would be okay for a bit, then she would get the war paint on and start giving me crap about this that and everything else.

    She’s always been a bit different, but she now seems hell bent on just finding the bad in everything and or everyone, always moaning about something or the other. I know many people find her quite strange, my mum has always struggled to get on with her, other friends of mine have suffered her, but as we’ve lived outside of the UK since 2003 they have only had to see her for short periods.

    Anyways, I’ve been thinking about calling it a day for a good few years, but we have 3 young kids and I’m very involved with them. I’m home most evenings, always sit down as a family, around to share the responsibility. The thought of another fella being with them instead of me, feels me with dread.

    We’re both working, earn good money, have a good standard of living, our health and most importantly healthy kids. I’ve always stated that we are lucky and should count our blessings, but she’s become so negative that if I’m truthful it’s started to affect my health. Just gets you down after a while.

    So, we started the conversation last night about calling it a day, she’s being all level headed and saying how we’ll split the extra costs, I’m saying this is all well and good saying that now, but what if things change in the future. She says about me moving out to somewhere in the same village, I point out that it’s all about equality now days, so why should it be me that moves out….anyways, it’s all a little surreal. I point out that no matter how much crap she’s given me over the years, I’ve never strayed, I’ve always been faithful, when it dawns on me.

    So I ask, is there anyone else and she responds that she’s been flirting with someone from work via text, nothing physical happened and it’s now stopped. I believe her about the non physical (98%) I’m pretty good at sussing out when someone’s lying to my face….but honestly, it makes no difference. Returning someone’s Smile whilst walking down the street is one thing, carrying on flirting texts back and forth is just something you don’t do when you are married to someone.

    Before this little bit of info, I was really struggling to make the decision to split…it’s a bloody big decision to make. I went out for a drive and it just hit me, the decision has already been made, if after 11 years of marriage she thinks it okay to start a flirt with another bloke, then it’s over and done with.

    Yesterday I was angry, proper peeved. Today I’m seriously hung over and a “feeling” that I really don’t understand, just like in a place that I have no idea what I should be doing, or how I should move forward.

    Trying to find out about lawyers, so I can understand what rights I have (we’re Swiss based, although neither of us are Swiss). Holy cow, they don’t come cheap.

    So, sorry for the long post, but I guess I need to get things off my chest (had a good chat with me best mate yesterday….but to be fare to the old boy….he’s not very good with such conversations) We’ve got a lads biking trip in a couple of weeks which is going to be good. One of the guys has already been through this situation and seems pretty sorted now….Guess I’ll be bending his ear to get some idea of what to expect.

    I should be feeling some kind of relief that something I’ve thought constantly about for years….and don’t get me wrong, I would have loved to have that great relationship….but after things would be okay for a while, she’d suddenly flip out and start on my for really minor things…like dropping crumbs on the floor of the kitchen, or if the kids were being a bit wild at the table or in the house….so I should be feeling that okay, things in the short term are going to be a bit rough….but they will improve, but in all honesty….I feel like I’m at the lip of a bloody big drop and have no idea how to proceed….lack of sleep and a stonking head don’t help.

    So, how long before things start to settle and some kind of normality comes back?

    I don’t stress to much about the kids as they are reasonably young and the way things were going they would have suffered more if we’d stayed together.

    Although I do worry that they will start with we don’t like it at your’s, all of our toys are at our place, our place is bigger….etc…

    sorry for the ramble.

    Three_Fish
    Free Member

    You’ll need to go through the grieving process. Understanding what you’re losing, and have lost, will really help you to move on and enjoy healthy relationships in future. After 15 years it’ll be a long road. Good luck, you’ll be grand…

    jambalaya
    Free Member

    There is always councelling – relate – if you want ? Maybe there is something to salvage ?

    As for how long thats impossible to answer really. My divorce followed many years of a rolling disaster movie of a relationship so moving on was quite straight forward although the divorce was / still is very bitter. My life is a million times better than it was (not difficult) despite the ex taking more than 50% (kids all in their 20’s). I am now very happily remarried.

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    DickBarton
    Full Member

    Apparently the done thing is for the parents to move out when it isn’t their turn with the kids…so the kids stay at the home and the parents move to another location when they aren’t meant to be there.

    That makes sense to me but very difficult if there is nowhere for the other one to go to.

    How about renting a 1 bedroom place that you both share for when you aren’t with the kids? Splits the costs easily…

    It is a shit time, but it does improve…

    growinglad
    Free Member

    Maybe there is something to salvage ?

    I’ve tried so many times, things will be okay for a while then they come crashing down again. I’m someone who pretty much gets on with everyone, easy going, not too serious, she just seems to wind everyone up the wrong way, even her mother and brother have enough of her after a few days.

    I think it takes a long time to really get to know someone…the longer I’ve known her, the more it scares me. She’s actually talking to me as though nothing has happened, as though it’s just a normal day.

    I know in the end I’ll look back and say thank F that’s over.

    Problem is, at the moment all I can think of is what the F do I do now?

    Junkyard
    Free Member

    So, how long before things start to settle and some kind of normality comes back?

    depends on how much you cooperate and how you agree access and finances

    if you can nail those two then its pretty wuick f you cannot it can take years

    I dont know anyone, myself included, who is not happier out than they were in though the transition can be rocky

    Prioritise access to kids as over time that is all you will really GAS about

    growinglad
    Free Member

    How about renting a 1 bedroom place that you both share for when you aren’t with the kids? Splits the costs easily…

    My mum mentioned this….but to me, it would just be her things still around, somehow I need to make a clean break as much as possible and only have dealings with her when it’s directly related to the kids.

    Junkyard
    Free Member

    you really want to be friendlier than that with her if at all possible

    Everyone is more accommodating to a friend than their nemesis

    martymac
    Full Member

    Im sure I won’t be the only person to say this, but don’t ever badmouth her in front of the kids.
    Not even once.

    martymac
    Full Member

    PS: after 11 years with my first wife, it was a relief when she finally admitted she’d been having an emotional affair with a millionaire* she met on the ‘net.
    Im happier now than i ever was with her.

    *he wasn’t a millionaire

    psling
    Free Member

    Reading what you write you are going to need to control your jealousy to enable you to move on.
    Divorce is straight forward if you both agree you are no longer compatible, it’s sorting out the finances, accommodation and access to kids that’ll cause all sorts of problems and make the legal people rich. You’ll need a clear (and sober)head to keep on top of it, jealousy clouds your judgement. Very few couples get through it completely amicably but most eventually end up in a better place if you really are no longer compatible as a couple.
    That said, I have absolutely no idea what the legal set up is in Switzerland; do you have dual-nationality or are you just resident?

    jambalaya
    Free Member

    I’ve tried so many times, things will be okay for a while then they come crashing down again. I’m someone who pretty much gets on with everyone, easy going, not too serious, she just seems to wind everyone up the wrong way, even her mother and brother have enough of her after a few days.

    Oh thats oh so familair !! Two of my ex’s brothers said they where surprised I stuck at it so long.

    I missed the Swiss bit – the UK has the world’s most woman friendly divorce system (being a total cynic I would not be surpised if your wife wants to get divorced in the UK). Access to kids could be an issue if she wants to come back.

    Yup lawyers are expensive, do the Swiss have a arbitration system (we do in the UK) ?

    wiggles
    Free Member

    Due to my somewhat notorious thread you might know I have just been through something similar and it really sounds like you are doing the right thing, my situation was similar and went on just a little bit past where you are now and things blew up massively so you are probably helping things in the long run. Early days for me but I’m staying positive.

    I’ve tried so many times, things will be okay for a while then they come crashing down again. I’m someone who pretty much gets on with everyone, easy going, not too serious, she just seems to wind everyone up the wrong way, even her mother and brother have enough of her after a few days.

    Sounds like a slightly less mental version of my ex, is quite heartbreaking when you are discussing the end of a long relationship and someone you love/ed is so dead pan about it all

    mikertroid
    Free Member

    Welcome to the club!
    Mines still ongoing as I’m waiting the sale of land before she will agree finances.
    Had to sack my lawyer as she was engineering a dispute when there wasn’t one.
    I’ve two older boys (15/12) who I have a super relationship with but I’m nearly two hours away. Hoping to be much closer to them soon.
    It’s all reasonably amicable but she insists she’s hard done by, however she’s getting way more than she’s entitled as I want to ensure the boys have minimal disruption to their lives. She has friends who are minted and divorced and their settlements are mental!

    Yes, don’t bad mouth the ex in front of the kids!!

    I’m much happier in general; miss the boys but hopefully that’s short term. I’ve given up a super house etc and have taken a massive financial hit, but have found someone who treats me as an equal, not something to take out frustration on! Life is about living and I’m sure the money thing will get better.

    Good luck and talk to a good friend. It’s amazing how understanding people can be. You will, however, encounter hostility from those who have only listened to her side….. I was surprised how blinkered some people can be.

    growinglad
    Free Member

    Cheers lads, good to get things off my chest and hear others experiences.

    Can being divorced be the new niche of Singletrack, likes log burners and Audi’s ? 😉

    It kind of amazes me how cold they can be about the whole thing…slightly frightening.

    Unfortunately we don’t have spare rooms as we are 5, she seemed to think that we could continue sharing a bed (although to be fair, not much has happened there apart from sleeping for a fair while). I pointed out that’s not really an option so I get the pleasure of my daughters company tonight…she normally does a fair bit of sleep talking so maybe I’ll actually catch what she goes on about.

    She’s Greek, not British, but according to Swiss law she can’t just up sticks and go…we’ll she can (oh, if only), but she can’t take the kids.

    Spoke to two different lawyers, got an idea of costs and their attitudes.

    Will try and get her to agree to most things in principle before hand, then hopefully the lawyer part should be just a case of putting pen to paper as it where.

    Thankfully the only property we own together is an apartment in Greece. Shame as it’s a nice apartment, but half of something that’s worth F all and has a mortgage is not great loss.

    Amazing thing, this negativity has been going on for a while. I’ve often thought (before it was really going to happen) that I would never get involved in another relationship.
    Since all of this has kicked off, I can’t help thinking that I want to hit every club, tinder (the young blokes at work showed me that a while ago) and every dating site going.

    Is this some kind of re-bound thing…..any psychologists in?? Is this some kind of thing where I’m trying to convince myself I’m still a bit of alright?

    teasel
    Free Member

    feels me with dread

    Superb typo. Conjures up a weird, hair-based massage/whipping experience.

    Sorry, nowt useful to add – I’ve always been lucky in love. And cards. Life in general, actually. But I seem to remember a thread on this forum with a similar subject and someone’s advice was

    go out, meet folk, get buff and meet new women.

    So, I’m gonna guess that you’re already ripped (cos everyone on this forum is, right) and write that it’s cool to…

    want to hit every club, tinder (the young blokes at work showed me that a while ago) and every dating site going.

    deepreddave
    Free Member

    Some good advice already and plenty of historical threads on here if you look with loads more.

    I’ve done the rented property which each parent uses when not in the home with kids and it worked ok whilst we figured out what to do permanently, just agree ground rules and make sure it’s 2 bedroom. It’s a stepping stone you possibly don’t need but it can work.
    Agree access and finances asap, the former is often used by one parent as a weapon for revenge and to gain more of the latter.
    Don’t think my ex would never do that as ex’s can do stuff you’d never imagined they would so prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
    Keep a contemporaneous diary of significant events and access times etc, it could come in useful.
    Understand that the parent willing to risk the most to get the most usually does but that the better parent is the one who puts the kids first. Recognise you’re likely to feel hard done by and that your task is to minimise the damage.
    Don’t be too hard on yourself. It will feel s**t at times but if the relationship is dead/toxic then you’re doing the best thing for everyone. It is not as good as the ideal happy family we all strive for but that option no longer exists. You will regret that often and probably forever but staying together wouldn’t be better.
    Talk to friends and family about stuff. Use them as sounding boards, to vent and to check your view at key times.
    Staying friends is hard, the dynamic is totally different and needs both sides to work hard to achieve that and be emotionally able to do so. Not everybody can.
    Be a little bit selfish as you only get to be Dad once and they need you as much as you want to be with them. Yes the kids are the priority but your role as Dad is a close second.
    Start again and hope to show them a happy you and a happy respectful relationship when you meet sometime else. Be sensitive when that happens but be prepared for your ex not to be (hopefully that won’t happen).
    You sound like someone who’ll make it work so good luck and don’t hesitate to seek advice via the board or email (in profile).
    I’m a trained mediator but work with commercial business. I don’t work in relationship disputes although it’s an area I’m looking to do some voluntary work in just to try and help couples see an amicable way forward as opposed to destructive and expensive legal exchanges.

    growinglad
    Free Member

    I iz a little buff.

    Ship you not, a few months back I came to the conclusion I was really loosing strength.

    Anyways, I decided a bit of muscle would help out and lessen the affects of stacking it on the mountain bike. Plus we have a gym at work, so around 14:30 (when I need a break from work and it’s empty) a couple of times a week I get in there and ‘ave it!

    Reckon I’ll have to do a few more disco work outs now.

    Cheers deepreddave….some good words of wisdom there, thanks mate.

    jambalaya
    Free Member

    Reckon I’ll have to do a few more disco work outs now.

    Please post a video 🙂

    If dating (or just shagging) will help lift the soul then go for it !!

    Sorry to be so negative earlier about settlements etc, still rankles with me as I offered 50% clean break and we argued for 2 years spending a lot just so (imo) she had bragging rights about getting more than that. I asked about arbitration as that’s much much cheaper in the UK and lawyers are only really needed if you can’t agree stuff.

    teasel
    Free Member

    How’re you doing, G-Lad – keeping your shit together…?

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