and clearly has some mental health issues..

Basically split up with her boyfriend a month ago and had nowhere to go. I said she could crash at mine for a week or two until she had something sorted out. I was very clear that I wanted her out after 2 weeks.

having assured me for 2 weeks that this was all in hand and she had a place to stay she told me the day she was meant to move out that she couldn’t move into her new flat until 6th march (today) as thats when the lease started.

Reluctantly I let her stay another 2 weeks, during which time shese been a complete nightmare. Drinks far to much, has a history of depression, and I honestly don’t think shes a mile away from trying to top herself (shes tried before).

Anyway, roll on today, and it turns out that she can’t move into the flat she had arranged as she hadn’t read any of the e.mails they sent her re credit checks, ID, and the massive downpayment she needs (apparently as well as 1st 2 months rent she requires last 2 months rent as well as has no gaurantor – seems a bit steep for a 6 month leese but thems the rules that she should have known about)

So basically from tonight she has nowhere to stay. I can’t bare iving with her anymore and don’t ee why I should move out for next month whilst she sorts herself out. The girl is a compleete trainwreck, useds to listen when I try to talk to her about it and just generally a nightare to live with

I think I’ve done my bit but doesn’t look like anyoine else will put her up. Given i have no idea what shell do if shes homeless i’m feeling bad, but shes brought this entirely on herself.

I think I’ve done my bit

You’ve already done far more than most others would have. Nothing to feel guilty about at all.

Pics….

Is she good looking?….changes everything.

Is she a close friend or just an acquaintance for whom you did a kindness?

I would do the same as you; she has stretched friendship too far no matter how close you are. She won’t change until she’s forced to do so.

Can i be the first to get in with the is she fit joke?

On a serious note, is there any cheap local B&B’s you could recommend to her, any cheap local hotels on late rooms or what not?

By the sounds of things she has at least got some money and is not flat broke.

Sit her down, force her to put a written plan together (small goals to start with) and give her one more week. If she has a plan, goals and a finite amount of time, it may help galvanise her. Not sure it’s fair to say that someone brings mental health problems on themselves but equally understand the frustration.

So basically from tonight she has nowhere to stay.

Presumably she has the cash equivalent of two months rent.

That should buy her a few nights in a hotel or B&B.

She’s all the grown up she’ll ever be and needs to sort out her own problems.

I would say “you need to find somewhere by Wednesday, you can’t stay beyond then”. You’ve done more than you needed but I’d not feel comfortable walking in tonight and kicking her out with no-where to sleep. Wednesday gives her 2 working days to find something and you a hard deadline when you know it’ll be sorted by.

Saying that, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed off if you do kick her out now.

thanks folks

yes i agree that the mental health issues aren’t her doing, i meant that i have been pestering her for weeks to ensure everything was in order and all she did was tell me to stop nagging.

shes not a close mate, shes an ex from years ago that i have kept in contact with and who i felt sorry for. i had no idea shes such a trainwreck .

i’m going to push her in direction of b&b. if i let her stay any longer i fear i’ll never get rid of her.

It sounds like she could maybe do with with getting a room/flat in a hostel, or is she bringing in a decent wage through work?

Southampton has quite a decent hostel network and it saved me from being homeless in 2000, when I had a major breakdown, not capable of working and was not on benefits. Thanks to my GP, I got a room at 5 Bellevue Road for a couple of years and then got referred to another local hostel, who between them got me sorted with Housing Benefit and Incapacity Benefit. By 2004, I was in a much better place and began volunteering, getting a paid job with them ~9 months later. I’ve been working ever since, albeit sadly not with the same charity for the last ~7.5 years.

All I’m saying is, people with mental health issues can turn things around, with help from the right people.

tpbiker – Member
Anyway, roll on today, and it turns out that she can’t move into the flat she had arranged as she hadn’t read any of the e.mails they sent her re credit checks, ID, and the massive downpayment she needs (apparently as well as 1st 2 months rent she requires last 2 months rent as well as has no gaurantor – seems a bit steep for a 6 month leese but thems the rules that she should have known about)

have you seen these emails? Sounds like she’s taking a len of ye.

she hadn’t read them. I read a few, the credit check was definitely mentioned. she claims she thought the letting agency were doing that. a reasonable assumption, but not what is stated in the e.amil

tbh, I don’t really think it matters anyway, I think you’ve only got 3 choices. Kick her out, let her stay, or start charging her rent.

Only you can know which is right.

Does she have any contact with the community mental health team or a support worker?

or start charging her rent.

How would this be paid? *waggles eyebrows*

You should never remain friends with an ex; no good ever comes of it.

ScottChegg – Member
or start charging her rent.
How would this be paid?

Well she’s obviously expecting to be able to pay for a flat at some point(if not 4 months rent in one whack), so I’m assuming she’s earning. I’m suggesting the OP assesses whether she has any intention of getting said flat(or preferably a more affordable one.).

edit: ahh 😆 never got enough sleep last night!

its not about the money. I dont want her in my house.

fair do’s. Ask her nicely, then.. If she doesn’t go… launch her stuff out the window and lock the doors on her! 😆

I’m giving you the permission you seek! 😆

Single? Homeless?? Vulnerable???

I saaaaaaay…

stw…classy as always when mental health issues are involved..

If you say there is a possibility she could top herself you really don’t want to boot her out, for your own sake at least. Think how you will feel if something happens, as well as how it could affect your future mental health.

If she wasn’t an apparent train wreck when you were with her then maybe she has been brought to this point by the recent split, splits?

Maybe you could try ‘taking her in hand’, force her to come out doing some normal things, come down the gym with you, etc, to see if that helps.

For her mental health she needs to feel like she has control over something in her life, it sounds like at the moment everything is spiralling away from her.

I’ve seen it reported that a womans mental health suffers with each breakup, whereas a guys will often get stronger.

tpbiker – Member
stw…classy as always when mental health issues are involved

In fairness I’m no the one that desperately wants rid of her.

Plus we’ve only got your word for the mental health issues. Sounds like she’s just going off the rails a bit. It happens.

In fairness I’m no the one that desperately wants rid of her.

Plus we’ve only got your word for the mental health issues. Sounds like she’s just going off the rails a bit. It happens.

First point…what has me wanting to get rid of someone who i’ve put up out of the goodness of my own heart for a month got to do with me commenting on some of the rather tasteless posts above.

second point – you think i’ve just made it up? shes got the marks on her wrists to prove it if you’d like me to post a pic…

Parents?

no contact with mum

dad in jail for some bad things

shes an ex from years ago

Dear god……

Anyway, any of her friends who could share the load?

You have already done more than could be expected or asked of you, and the implication that you would be responsible to any extent for her actions, including any possible self harm, is unhelpful and wrong. If anything the opposite could be argued that by continuing to provide accommodation for her you would be allowing her to avoid facing up to her problems and instead become unhealthily dependent on you, such that the longer it continues the worse she will be when forced to act.

I am not very familiar with NHS mental health services or what support might be available from social services and the local authority, and others may be able to provide better advice, but I would suggest:

1. Contact the NHS (preferably her own GP if you know who that is – hopefully they are familiar with her mental health issues), and you can warn them of the action you are taking, and ensure she is on their radar.

2. Direct her to the local authority social services, who have a statutory duty as I understand it to provide her with emergency accomodation. NB They will only do this if she is homeless, so you must unambiguously make it clear that you are evicting her and will not accept her back.

Unfortunately, mental health provision and social services budgets are overstretched. so they will probably do anything they can to avoid being involved, i.e. by putting pressure on you to keep looking after her, and you will have to resist that, not only in your own interest but probably hers too.

tpbiker – Member

First point…what has me wanting to get rid of someone who i’ve put up out of the goodness of my own heart for a month got to do with me commenting on some of the rather tasteless posts above.As I mentioned you sound like you are just looking for permission to chip her out, go for it.

second point – you think i’ve just made it up? shes got the marks on her wrists to prove it if you’d like me to post a pic…

And? does that mean she’s tainted with it for the rest of her life, and should be put on suicide watch just cause you disapprove of her lifestyle choices?

And? does that mean she’s tainted with it for the rest of her life, and should be put on suicide watch just cause you disapprove of her lifestyle choices?

This is a very odd response to a situation you only know the bare minimum about!

the implication that you would be responsible to any extent for her actions, including any possible self harm, is unhelpful and wrong

It may be, but if something did happen then it would be very easy for the OP to, at some point in his life, possibly a low point, to reflect on what had happened.

The stats say that people that witness a suicide are 30% more likely to commit suicide themselves.

They weren’t responsible for the suicide but it has affected them.

If something happened to the girl then any reasonable person would agree that there was nothing more that the OP could have done, but if the OP was in a low state of mind, then reason may not come into it.

So I am just saying that he might consider how best to protect his own state of mind.

Tell her to go, if she has mental health issues then social sertvices and the nhs will hopefully help her, she is no longer your problem , she has abused your hospitality and your help.

New patio time?

The mental health people are also there to support you too. Short or long term, sounds like you both need Help.

You should never remain friends with an ex; no good ever comes of it.

I would beg to differ, but much depends on how any given relationship ends. I’m on extremely good terms with several of my ex’s, and have been for years, but we were friends to start with.

If something happened to the girl then any reasonable person would agree that there was nothing more that the OP could have done, but if the OP was in a low state of mind, then reason may not come into it.

So I am just saying that he might consider how best to protect his own state of mind.

Turnerguy, please re-read your first post:

If you say there is a possibility she could top herself you really don’t want to boot her out, for your own sake at least. Think how you will feel if something happens, as well as how it could affect your future mental health.

If she wasn’t an apparent train wreck when you were with her then maybe she has been brought to this point by the recent split, splits?

Maybe you could try ‘taking her in hand’, force her to come out doing some normal things, come down the gym with you, etc, to see if that helps.

You were putting the burden of responsibility for her well being and getting better on tpbiker’s shoulders. If her mental health is genuinely that fragile, then tpbiker needs to be clearly made to understand that not only is he not responsible for what she might do, but also that he should definitely NOT attempt to be a substitute for the professionals in mental health services, who should be the ones to determine the best course of action, even if he remains a friend and wants to support that process (which he should only do if he can maintain sufficient detachment to protect himself).

Good job OP. You’ve given her a place to stay when she really needed it and that gives you positive karma in anyone’s book.

If you can’t stand living with her then I’d go with the suggesting a hostel/ helping to get her sorted with one of her other friends. If there are any potentially undiagnosed mental issues then please help her to get in touch with a GP and get the help she needs – this also means she’s less likely to turn to you first when she needs help and may instead go through channels that are properly equipped to help her.

So before you close the door (as you’re perfectly entitled to do) please help her to get in touch with a GP.

+1 for commending you for trying to do the right thing OP. Ignore some of the more unsympathetic replies on here – i suspect they’ve not experienced mental health problems or have had friends with them who needed support…

That said, I’ve had friends with mental health issues who, in all honesty, I felt were abusing my sympathetic nature and I ended those relationships in the end so it can be difficult to deal with people who’re in that place…

IMO your best course of action is to hand her over to the professionals – if you think she’s a suicide risk then it seems to me you have a perfectly good case for doing this – and they are definitely better placed to support her than you are. That way you have no guilt, nor the burden.

Consider calling non-emergency NHS or Samaritans if you’re not sure of what action to take?

Good luck

During the past month have you boned her? A crude question, but one which may answer why she is hanging on that bit, hoping that things might progress.

Well done for putting her up for a bit.

To me it doesn’t sound like she will be sorting anything out without her hand being forced.

It also doesn’t sound like she’s listened when you’ve tried to talk to her about the situation before.

“Time to go” I would say – one of those cruel-to-be-kind decisions.

A crude question

Not really. Crude phrasing, shirley? I think ‘had relations’ is the term. Physical relations ideally being a two-way deal and all…