Ahh bugger, it’s “bso build up” time of year again, got stopped t’night on my way across the town and asked if i could build up 2 bmx’s (from argos), Hmm ok – drop them off on monday night after 7pm, got stopped again whilst at cashline asking if i would build up another bmx (catalogue bike) Hmm ok – drop it off tuesday night after 7pm.

Got home and there was a note through my door from a near neighbour asking if i could build up a girls mtb, so i popped round to collect it/carry it home and i’m now staring at a 42lb lump of pig iron in a fetching maroon colour with stick on silver stars on the paintwork, plastic brake levers, plastic coated pressed steel v-brakes and cables that are already going rusty as the bike has been stored in an outside shed for the past week, plastic pedals that perhaps have 3 ball bearings between them and a crankset that has an unintentional biopace wobble and don’t even question the functionality of the suspension forks – but that’s all ok as it has a BS standard sticker on the frame (I’d love to meet the BS standard folk and i’d stamp that **** sticker on their forehead with a 5lb lump hammer)………just as well i bought myself a bottle of Balvenie doublewood when i was across the town earlier.

I’m just on here to moan and bitch in general so don’t mind me – in fact it’s best to ignore me as this bitch n’ moan fest is not going to go anywhere, I’m not moaning at the folks who bought such bikes (not intentionally – they don’t know any better) as they genuinely cannot afford to spend a few hundred pounds on bikes but i’ll direct my bitch session at the companies who sell these pieces of shite, no matter what i do to these bikes i can guarantee the brakes will not work due to the plastic levers pulling right back to the bars, the tyres (tread like a tractors) do not sit on the rim bead no matter what magic i employ with a track pump or bead spray, the headsets is either notchy and seized or loose and rocking, the gears will never work properly as the plastic gear changers flex and the cables will seize up within 10 days, the plastic hand grips would give a seasoned deep sea fisherman callouses within minutes, the stamped teeth on the outer (biopace) chainring throw the chain on every revolution and the weight of the bike in general would give Magnus Ver Magnussan (worlds strongest man) a hernia whilst cycling it.

Sigh……I’d best crack open the whisky and just sink into the pit of despondancy that i let myself in for every year, despite trying to educate folk time and time again they still buy their kids catalogue bikes and expect them to work, or expect their kids to ride them, then again the parents have never rode a bike since childhood so why should i expect any change year on year.

Anyone else in the same predicament?, sometimes i wish i wasn’t known for fixing/repairing bikes.

Probably still not as bad as being the local “computer expert” and all your family/friends/neighbours and their family/friends/neighbours popping round to your house to ask for “just two minutes” of your time to sort out whatever mess they’ve managed to make by installing/upgrading the latest crap they’ve found on a bloody PC magazine or expecting some miracle “go faster” cure for the poor machine they’ve managed to hobble. 😈

Just tell each one that the gears need to be lubricated with single malt to work properly. If they’re too thick to put the bike together they’ll fall for that.

Lmao. You need to grow or shave off a beard or maybe go a bit death metal in your dress sense or start cross dressing – basically something so peole avoid or don’t recognise you (actual choice will vary according to local demographics obviously).

See there’s always a solution if you’re prepared for some blue sky thinking.

Hope this helps.

Probably still not as bad as being the local “computer expert” and all your family/friends/neighbours and their family/friends/neighbours popping round to your house to ask for “just two minutes” of your time to sort out whatever mess they’ve managed to make

Which you solve by googling and following instructions which they could’ve done themselves in the first place.

scotroutes- what’s your record been for uninstalling browser search agents/toolbars? Think I once removed 11 or 12 on a neighbor’s old machine.

Pitiful.

I’ve started telling people I’m a racing driver if they enquire about my employment. “I’ve got some trees that need looking at” is the general response I get when I tell them I do tree work. So you have my sympathies OP. Hard truths may be the only way to stop the proliferation of these abominations.

Lmao. You need to grow or shave off a beard or maybe go a bit death metal in your dress sense or start cross dressing – basically something so peole avoid you.

I’m 42 and still ride a bike pretty much everywhere at all times, I live in a very rural small galloway town so your option would most likely get me burned at the stake (the wicker man was filmed here) or at the very least they’d be a baying crowd of tabloid weilding knuckle dragging trogladytes throwing tenants lager cans at my windows – folk think i’m weird enough already without them feeling the need to get all Daily Mail on my arse

You have my sympathies, I feel in a similar trap sometimes. But you’ve half solved the problem yourself. Drink the Balvenie, all of it, then fix the bikes. I’d be very surprised if you were asked to do it next Christmas.

scotroutes : I put a stop to that years ago, back in the day…we’re talking early to late 90’s here (before i switched to mac in 98) i used to get a load of fun (see?- i’m genuinely sick) from building up computers/fixing them and generally sorting out problems but then everyone and their dog suddenly decided that they needed a computer and i was known as the computer fixer for a few years – my life was utter hell due to the inane stupidity of PC users.

You have my sympathy, there is nothing worse than trying to source a fault with someone looking over your shoulder as they say I’ll just watch what you do so i can do it myself next time , next time?……if there is a next time then you need to take yourself outside and play with traffic you **** imbecile.

Bob…..that may be a solution…..till i get irate and drunk parents at my door on xmas day with their little darlings covered in blood or in full body casts due to my couldn’tgiveafuckityboowhathappens

I had my neighbor pop round as “I’m good with bikes” – he wanted me to help him getting the front derailleur working on his sons new “top end” (the £129 rather than £99 sports dirrect special) bike he had bought him for Christmas- turns out the cage didn’t have anywhere near enough travel to reach the big ring, and the rear wheel was about 5mm out of tru – he then got in a bit of a mood with me when I told him this. he then said not everyone can afford to spend £10,000 on a bike, so I showed him my £40 1994 m-trax Ti and said I’d do more off-road on that than the piece of bso he had just bought – I haven’t spoken to him since

Sigh……I’d best crack open the whisky and just sink into the pit of despondancy that i let myself in for every year

You could always just say ‘No’?

You’d have to be pretty bloody heartless and it’s not really an option when you realise they’ve scrimped and saved for months to be able to afford these bso’s, this is the lowest paid wage area in scotland and jobs are pretty non existent so they try their best, maybe not up to my bike standards but i’m not going to be a **** and say no to them.

Small town, every one knows everyone else so if i can help i will but that doesn’t mean to say i can’t have a petty moan about it 😉

Pah – you should try being a physio. No, I wont give your **** back a rub you fat lazy useless ****.

You can’t blame people, you can buy a £20 Hoover or microwave from asda that work pretty well so why would their £100 full suspension special be any different. An old friend had a bikeshop and he swore that most kids bikes are sold on weight, dad would pick up a few bikes and declare the heaviest bso the winner due to being solid or something similar.

I started out on a Peugeot team Tim Gould IIRC, I had a king fit when my parents told me in late November a Raleigh activator had been ordered for Xmas. Even at 14 with no mtb experience I knew the Raleigh was a POS. I’m guessing I would have given up cycling shortly after.

I feel your pain, it’s no pleasure working on things that haven’t been designed to work properly (if at all). Paying more won’t neccesarily get an improvement either, i’m regularly working on higher-end road/cx bikes that are now coming equipped with reworks of the really shite disc brakes that were previously reserved for the crap end of the MTB market.
BS stands for something different in my mind, and I honestly can’t figure out how some of this stuff is allowed out of the factory, let alone into our H&S obsessed country.My father had a suitable saying-“Whoever designed this ought to come back and work on the bloody thing.”

I hate being asked to work on bso as well. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad if people asked the advice of the person who was going to build it before buying it.

Having said that, last time I tried that, all I got was, “he really wants full suspension like all his friends”. Telling then that this rigid bike is better, lighter, safer and will make him a better rider just falls on deaf ears.

Just remember, these people don’t know what a well running bike feels like. Just make sure bits don’t fall off, chain doesn’t go into the spokes and brake blocks don’t slice into the tyres and you’ll be okay.

We’re the only ones who care that they don’t index silently. Most people don’t even notice if they’ve got all the gears.

Right, best get out of bed, I’ve got a lot of bike fettling to do.

Think Onzadog’s probably right, i’ve lost count of the number of bikes that need the snapped chain fixed, or puncture repaired, but the brakes that don’t even make it to the rim aren’t even mentioned. Unfortunately, we’ll be the ones held responsible when Darwin comes into effect (Have you been in an accident that wasn’t your fault? etc). 🙁

ah thanks OP, i thought it was just me that got like that. my problem is when people really do have the money for something way better but don’t ‘get it’, they would probably spend the same on a meal ( ok a very nice meal). I no longer even try when someone tells me that they are looking for a bike then you discover that it’s got to be light and cost less than 100 squids

In an ideal world, everyone would be able to afford a Tripster. 😉

Is it better or worse when people don’t seek your advice first with more expensive bikes?

Mate recently asked me to help with a new build. Too impatient to come over and discuss spec he just ran amok with his credit card like a kid in a sweet shop.

About 1/3 of the stuff was wrong. Couldn’t build the bike fully. Took longer over having to swap centre lock rotor over to 6 bolt for his hope hoops, top swing front mech for conventional. Don’t get me started on his “choice” of gear ratios or the ispec shifters!

I recently had what I was expecting to be a BSO experience but which turned out good. My sister got a Raleigh about fifteen years ago, and didn’t use it more than a couple of times and thus it sat in the garage unused. Cue fifteen years later and I needed to get rid of the bike, so I repaired it for a mate. However, by repair I mean I adjusted the gear cables and swapped over the chain due to a stiff link. Everything else was perfect, all gears worked and the brakes (V) were as good as those on my roadie. I was genuinely surprised at that – it’s a well made bike with decent components for the price (£150), so I’d recommend Raleigh over catalogue rubbish any time.

I think you’re a class act soma! Very nice of you indeed. You would have to be heartless to turn them down. Plus there is a chance that their bso will actually work if they have had it built by someone who know what they are doing.

I used to be the local neighbourhood tech guy. I always helped when asked because it meant no one cared about me rinsing my turntables all the time, and all the other activities that surround 18-25 year old ravers.

I helped my mum’s neighbour make his PC laptop go a bit faster. I think I was successful – I hope so – after I’d removed somewhere around 8 (eight) virus scanner / security protection programs / utilities that had been installed..

Now I’ve to sort his printer, oh and his tablet.

At least I have learned what a BSO is. Time not wasted OP!

Somafunk I salute you. Saw a little girl go straight into the road face first into oncoming cars. The stem wasn’t tightened. Assume they just straightened it out of the box. You’ll stop that happenings.

These monstrosities do more to put people off cycling than Clarkson, Range Rover drivers and Derbyshire County Council put together.

Bike industry should be lobbying for British (or EU) Standards to have some significance.

Good on you for being a good neighbour though!

just as well i bought myself a bottle of Balvenie doublewood

I stopped reading after this. Nom nom nom.

Going to assume the story ended with a car chase and scantly clad girls dancing.

obvious fail is obvious; you fix other people’s bikes but youre buying your own whisky?!

I’ve become our Tri club (which I’m not a member of but the other half is) defacto mechanic. Luckily theyre not on BSOs, and having seen how OCD I am about bikes and pristine I keep my own bikes theyre too ashamed to bring them around caked in crud.
Despite never asking (I enjoy tinkering) I always receive something alcoholic as a thank-you.

We’re the only ones who care that they don’t index silently. Most people don’t even notice if they’ve got all the gears.

Not all of us, I’ve ridden with/behind a few nice bikes with the owner completely ignorant of the eye-watering grinding of the gears. People who ride with me tend to go home with bikes working better at the end of the ride than they did at the start.

Mind you, Ive stopped a woman in the street outside a supermarket and reset her forks the right way round, seeing it brought me out in cold sweats.

Your rant wont affect the karma you’re due, especially at this time of year.

I’ve had a quick look at FIL’s BSO and told him to take it to the LBS (I’ve pre-warned them it maybe arriving) as I’ve got the feeling that I’d have a tantrum working on it.

A few years ago I also spent ages advising someone about mid level full suss MTB’s and Hardtails with the advice to start on a nicely spec’ed hardtail from the LBS (not to get a 29er as it was still earlyish days of them). So he went and got a 29er FS in a box from the internet.

After building it up for him and going riding with him I felt sorry for the bike. I explained umpteen times that with a triple ring up the front, big/big & small/small on the gears was very bad he just wouldn’t take it in.

Worst of all was gear changing uphill, no attempt at backing off EVER, crunch/graunch every change. I explained that you don’t change gear in a car with the foot hard on the accelerator so don’t do it on a bike. He didn’t listen. It arrived a few months later wanting a new mech, mech hanger and a new chain after he’d twisted a link through 90 degrees, you’ve guessed it, big ring on the front, big ring on the back! I replaced all the bits and got it running and I think it’s been corroding safely in a shed for the last 18months.

I had a couple of similar experiences , one despite my pleas said he would ” make it worth my while ” after an hour and a half of turd polishing I told him I could do no more . He went in house and came back out said this is for your trouble . It was ONE can of Strongbow !!!! Needless to say I was speechless ! Another one asked me to have a “quick” look at his bike . I gave him a list of parts that needed replacing then said plus my time for doing it ( trying to put him off) He turned to me gave me a cheeky grin and a wink and said I thought you liked messing around with bikes ! Clearly meaning I would enjoy spending half a day trying to sort his bike free gratis . 🙄

Probably still not as bad as being the local “computer expert” and all your family/friends/neighbours and their family/friends/neighbours

You know it’s spyware from porn sites, they know it’s spyware from porn sites, but never is a word uttered about this

Somafunk – I suffer from exactly the same. Luckily this year I can turn all requests down with my still broken shoulder!

It’s a massive relief!

I did some work on a friends sons disabled tricycle.
Pumping the tyres to 30psi so he could actually pedal it distorted the plastic rims so badly the brake blocks rubbed.
I bought a new wheel but forks were very narrowly spaced so it didn’t fit.
So got billed £30 for a new wheel from supplier.

Never again.

We’re the only ones who care that they don’t index silently. Most people don’t even notice if they’ve got all the gears.

Not all of us, I’ve ridden with/behind a few nice bikes with the owner completely ignorant of the eye-watering grinding of the gears. People who ride with me tend to go home with bikes working better at the end of the ride than they did at the start.

By “us” I meant those of us who end up fixing bikes for everyone else who happens by.

I’ve been known to change my position in a group just because of the racket coming from someone else’s bike.

these things have proper annoyed me this year, and i dont have to build or repair them

The look of joy on my friend’s daughter’s face after she rode her BSO with the forks the right way round for the first time made touching the damn thing bearable.

And being both a handyman and a sports masseur I feel your pain OP!

I’m going to an early grave from the amount of red wine or Whisky I am proffered for fixing bikes & computers.
The indexing comment is spot on, I also have gear noise OCD

Some cheap bikes work perfectly well, they’re just old-fashioned. Threaded steerers, non cartridge bb’s, 5 speed transmission etc is all tried and tested technology. i’m amazed at the number of bikes like this that continue to work fine even though the cables are all rusted. They still shift better than my 10 speed dura-ace ever has.
Anyway, look on the bright side – at least when they’re just out of the box they are clean.

I was the go to person in our group for repairs. I started insisting we did the job together, so they could see how to do it, and how frickin boring some jobs are.
Others now buy tools we all share, and at least two others do their own.
My spares box has been diminished over the last couple of years though.