I have been on the train to London for the last 3.5 hours due to understandable delays and re-routings in the wake of the storm.

In that time, we have travelled in blissful silence. Until Swindon, when we were joined by a woman named Lorraine who has decided to conduct her business from the only table in the carriage.

It’s all ‘expenditure’ this, and ‘savings’ that, and ‘I’ll call Ian to get him to take care of the Reading issue’.

Should I go explain to her the existential meaninglessness of her stupid – and loud – transactions?

[/passive_aggressive]

May I be the first to suggest you extract your balls from your manbag, and ask her politely to respect the quiet carriage.

Yes, but do it quietly.

Tell her its the quiet coach! Easy!

Surely just politely explain to her that it is a quiet carriage no?

Yeah go and tell her.

‘good luck’….. politely saying …I’m sure you havn’t notice all the signs saying its the quiet carraige.. will either get a ooops sorry silly me…. or most likely she will shout down the phone that some ones being rude and aggressive to her.

Hide behind the seat in front and shout about it being the quiet carriage?

Or go sit opposite her and stare & tut disapprovingly while shaking your head

Write her a note saying “quiet carriage. Shut up you noisy bint” and slide it across the table towards her.

It’s too late. She has literally started a domino effect. People who had been sitting quietly have now begun talking on their phones.

I should have had a little chat with her as soon as she started yammering.

Damn.

Yeah, I know. It’s my fault. I hate conflict.

Glare at her in an angry way.

Mime that it’s the quiet coach at her.

Upgrade the note to a small placard.

Have you thought about getting in touch with Five Live? They’d definitely get Nicky Campbell to do a morning phone in on the subject. You’ll find all kinds of wisdom there.

Alternatively: grow a pair and LOUDLY tell her to SHUT THE **** UP!!!. If you wanted to be more typically STW, middle-class bedwetter about it, you could say “erm…. excuse me… I don’t like to bother you but…. SHUT THE **** UP!!!“

You’ll find that that also has an immediate domino effect opposite to the one you’ve already witnessed

You actually need to be told this? I despair in this place at times

I’m waiting for the all important buffet update from Saxonrider’s train. Or perhaps something on the merits of Slough as he heads through. At least five threads before Paddington is a minimum.

There is an easy way to stop her. Repeat loudly everything she says on the phone.

Nothing about a full on brawl on the news…..yet

you to get all….

Introduce yourself as a Business and Lifestyle Analyst – offer to give her some free advice, when she’s listening… Tell her to read the fn signs!

ask her to get off at Reading to sort the Reading issue.

chuck her phone out of the window

Stride purposefully up the carriage and stick your right index finger in her mouth.
It might shut her up and if she bites you, you won’t feel it. 😉

We do like to make this complicated, don’t we? I was once on a train in the Netherlands and started talking to my colleague in what we hadn’t realised was a quiet carriage. The bloke opposite us politely pointed this out. We apologised, and shut up.

Your fault for not going 1st class

My passive-aggressive response is my lovely cell jammer. Sadly only a two-hour battery life.

Perchypanther – 😆

Very good!

DavidB – Member
There is an easy way to stop her. Repeat loudly everything she says on the phone.

best solution on this thread, great suggestion.

Dirty protest?

I’ve told people off more than once for this.

The most incredulous at being hauled up for their inconsiderate behaviour are the retired (aka the professionally always right about everything ever). They do not like it up ’em.

you must know her email address by now. Send her a link to this thread.

Your fault for not going 1st class

No respite there! 😉 In fact can be worse!!

chuck her phone out of the window

FTFY.

Defenestration, that’s what you need.

Your fault for not going 1st class

Surely the very epicentre of the (noisily) self-entitled?

That reminds me of a time I was travelling into London from B’ham airport IIRC and as usual the train was absolutlely rammed and the only seat left was in the ‘quiet carriage’. Now I was waiting for a call from an old friend who arranging some accomodation for me and so left my phone on. Then in the middle of the journey said freind calls me. Now me being the considerate chap that I am, jumped up and ran out of the carriage to the bit where the loos are to take the call. When I came back the chap opposite me starts kicking off about how this is supposed to be the quiet carriage and no mobile phones (this was back in the day of the old Nokia 8something or other) should be on. I stated in my defence that the call was very important and that this was the only seat on the train available and I had been travelling all day etc etc. But this wasn’t good enough and the guy starts uping the anti and threatening to call the guard, police and all and sundry. At this point the ‘quiet’ carriage has really become quiet as everyone is listening in to the guy spouting off. In the end I just told him to get a life and it ended in a 10 minute long glaring competition. Then about 30 minutes later another mobile phone starts ringing at the other end of the carriage and I said as loudly as I could to the chap opposite ‘Why don’t you go and tell that person what you said to me so the other end of the carriage can see what a **** you are!?’ I got some pretty loud laughs from the other passengers for that. 🙂

I was once on a train in the Netherlands and started talking to my colleague in what we hadn’t realised was a quiet carriage. The bloke opposite us politely pointed this out. We apologised, and shut up.

Showing my complete ignorance of these things (because it’s a while since I’ve travelled any distance by train.)

The quiet carriage means absolute silence? Not even quiet chatting?

If so, it’s no wonder we don’t get them down here in Wales. Or if we do, they are roundly ignored. We don’t even have quiet in libraries anymore.

OP I’ve l just left Reading. If I’d seen this earlier I could have dealt with the ‘Reading issue’ (or generated another)

I was on a train about to leave Paddington years ago with headphones on when a busy body took offence to the use of said earphones in the quiet carriage. I did express doubts about my music disturbing her, particularly as I hadn’t pressed PLAY yet!

We don’t even have quiet in libraries anymore

FTFY HTH etc.

So OP, did you get into Town then?

Like it up here do you?

Great.

So does She, and she’s following you… 😕

Try moving opposite her & then start singing ‘Sex Dwarf’ by Soft Cell at the top of your voice with a bit of lascivious lip licking. I find it always shuts ’em up.

The quiet carriage means absolute silence? Not even quiet chatting

Nah, it means quiet. No mobiles, keep music players inaudible and conversations quiet, as a rule. A bit of hushed chat is fine. Discussing this month’s sales figures whilst deciding if you’d rather screw Tara from Finance or Janine from HR at 110 decibels… Not so much.