Is my sister in law stirring or naieve?

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Is my sister in law stirring or naieve?

158 posts & 74 voices | Started 11 months ago by quandryman | Latest reply from wrightyson

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quandryman - Member

Ok, my OH's nephew is getting married in Vegas next April. My sister in law has offered to pay for my OH and our son (4yrs old) to go, but not me.
Im the only breadwinner and my OH is a stay at home mum.
I can't afford to go as all my money goes towards our rent bills etc and have buttons left in the bank at the end of the month, so zero chance of saving the required money to go with them. The sister in law knows we haven't got much money. Her husband earns a good wage and recently received an inheritance, so they're not short of money.
My other half wants to go, even though she has said she isn't too keen on going.
We've never been abroad as a family and its not something I want to miss doing with my son i.e. flying.

I just feel pushed out and think its pretty mean to offer to pay for part of the family, knowing full well I cant pay to come. I also feel betrayed by my OH agreeing to go. If the situation was reversed I wouldn't hesitate in turning the offer down.

Your thoughts please?

Posted 11 months ago #
iDave - Member

When I read it I see that they're offering to contribute significantly to your family's costs so what's your problem?

Pretty lame that you're having a moan, and as for feeling 'betrayed' that your OH wants to go..... are you 12?

Posted 11 months ago #
wwaswas - Member

Two sides;

1) your OH knows how you feel about this (or should do) - why is she not just turning it down or negotiating to get you a ticket too?

2) you know your OH wants to go, your son would enjoy it and, tbh, a long haul flight with a 4 year old will be a nightmare after the first 20 minutes and you might be better off out of it. Let them go and enjoy themselves, wave goodbye at the airport, greet them with a big bunch of flowers and use the time on your own to ride lots.

Posted 11 months ago #
5thElefant - Member

When I read it I see that they're offering to contribute significantly to your family's costs so what's your problem?

I read it the same way. They're paying over half your bill.

Tricky thing handing out money. Hand out too much and people can think that it's willy waiving. Not enough and they're stirring. You can't win.

Posted 11 months ago #
coffeeking - Member

Indeed, they're offering a significant help in getting your family out there and specifically the persons closest to them - why consider it stirring?! Just because you can't afford to go, which is not fun, doesn't mean it was done on purpose.

Posted 11 months ago #
warton - Member

you, as a grown man, want someone to pay for you to have a holiday? grow a pair mate, honestly.

Posted 11 months ago #
captaincarbon - Member

You've just been handed a free pass to get out and ride whenever/wherever you want!

Posted 11 months ago #
akira - Member

I would say it's a nice gesture and let your OH and kid go as it will be a good experience for them, obviously it would be nice if you could all go but things don't always work out that way.
Be happy for them and let them enjoy it.

Posted 11 months ago #
molgrips - Member

I think it's a bit out of order to say 'you two can come but you can't'. It would've been much better for her to say 'well we can afford to help your family out a bit'. They could offer to 'go halves' or something.

Significant difference, imo. They are saying that you are not as wanted as the rest of your family, it looks like.

a long haul flight with a 4 year old will be a nightmare after the first 20 minutes and you might be better off out of it

All the more reason to go, to help your poor OH out a bit!

Posted 11 months ago #
backhander - Member

Let them go. While they're away buy a new bike.

Posted 11 months ago #
Ro5ey - Member

I bet the Nephew is getting married in Vegas for a reason... he dont blooming want loads of people there.

Dont understand why his mother is paying for ANYboby to go.

Posted 11 months ago #
quandryman - Member

The thing is, its not somewhere we'd chose to go and Im not sure its the best place to take a 5 year old.
Yes I am annoyed because they KNOW I cant afford to go, as does my OH (who isn't that bothered about going).
Its her sister, not her nephew that wants them to go as well.
Thanks molgrips, at least you seem to understand where im coming from

Posted 11 months ago #
surfer - Member

My other half wants to go, even though she has said she isn't too keen on going.

I sort of got lost at this bit.

I agree with Molgrips they should just offer to help out rather than specifying who they are helping which seems a bit divisive.

Posted 11 months ago #
rideallday77 - Member

Is your OH your wife or your long term gf?

Posted 11 months ago #
gravitysucks - Member

I can see te OP's point. I have two sis-in-law's. I treat them as the rest of family and would never see them left out of something. I certainly wouldn't put them in a position were the family had to be split (assuming they know your financial position).

It is a nice gesture for them to offer to pay but if it was me making the offer I would offer to pay for the whole family or wouldn't offer at all.

I wouldn't want to miss out being involved with my childs 1st holiday aborad / flying etc

Posted 11 months ago #
quandryman - Member

Thank you surfer, "divisive" is a word that keeps cropping up in my mind.

Posted 11 months ago #
Cougar - Member

You're missing something here.

What is a 4-year old going to do in Vegas? A few hands of Blackjack followed by an evening's pole dancing? He'll be bored shitless. I went there for a friend's wedding a few years ago, I was on a shoestring budget, and I was bored shitless in my 30s. There is categorically no point going to Vegas unless you've got money to throw around, the entire place is designed from the ground up to extract as much money from you as possible.

If you want a family holiday I'd strongly suggest putting aside the money that she'd otherwise spend in Vegas, and spending it on a day trip to Legoland or something.

If she -really- wants to go, then I'd say let your wife go to the wedding and keep the kid at home. You'll be saving money and doing him a favour. Take him camping or something.

Posted 11 months ago #
SiB - Member

I would say she was stirring things up by implying you havent got a well enough paid job to take family to Vegas.......but you should be pleased that your OH and son are going and you should be even more pleased that you've got time to yourself when they're away to do whtever you want to do!

Book a few days off work when they're away and have your own holiday, I love it when my OH and two girls go away without me, I positively encourage it plus it makes you appreciate them more when they return.

Get over it, pack their bags for them, wave them off at the front door and let the fun begin!

Posted 11 months ago #
user-removed - Member

Honestly wouldn't be bothered one whit and would feel gratitude toward the SIL for offering wife and son the opportunity to attend the wedding. Please don't lay a guilt trip on your wife for wanting to go and enjoy herself - you should be happy for her / your son.

Posted 11 months ago #
rocketman - Member

Seems like a perfectly reasonable offer. Some in-laws offered to take my wife and kids to Lapland with their sprogs to see Father Christmas the other year I helped them pack and took them to the airport before you could say 'I'll think about it'.

Let them go, laugh about it when they get back, you don't have to be your family's shadow all the time.

Posted 11 months ago #
Cougar - Member

they should just offer to help out rather than specifying who they are helping

Perhaps they didn't want to offend by offering to help ("I know you're skint and we're loaded, would you like a hand-out?") as some people can be sensitive about it. I suspect they were trying to be diplomatic, but it does seem odd.

Posted 11 months ago #
billysugger - Member

Vegas, class

Posted 11 months ago #
Cougar - Member

The other way of looking at this of course is from the PoV of your OH:

"My nephew's getting married in Vegas and I'd love to be there but we just can't afford it. My sister has offered to buy me a ticket, which is a very sweet thing to to, but I'm going to have to turn her down because I know my OH won't be able to go. I'll just tell him I'm not bothered so that he doesn't feel guilty."

Posted 11 months ago #
bazzer - Member

I know this does not happen often but I have to agree with Mols on this one.

Posted 11 months ago #
TheBrick - Member

What is a 4-year old going to do in Vegas?

Provide an excellent cover story for an audacious casino heist.

Posted 11 months ago #
z1ppy - Member

Ignoring all the flak your getting, I whole heartedly agree with this...

If she -really- wants to go, then I'd say let your wife go to the wedding and keep the kid at home. You'll be saving money and doing him a favour. Take him camping or something.

Vega's is no place for a 4 year old, let alone the 8 hr(?) flight there, and surely going out in vegas with a 4 year old would be impossible, if not very awkward

EDIT:
PS. As your the bread winner, there no way I'd want my holiday allowance used to go
1) Some-where I didn't want to go
2) For something so goddam stupid as a "vegas wedding".

Posted 11 months ago #
vinnyeh - Member

What is she paying for- flight's only, or accommodation as well?
If it's accommodation as well, then you only need to find the airfare (the hotels let you jam a dozen or so people in most rooms)- is that doable?

Vega's is no place for a 4 year old, let alone the 8 hr(?) flight there, and surely would going out in vegas with a 4 year old would be impossible if not very awkward

We spent a very pleasant fortnight there with our 4 and 5 year olds. Didn't gamble a cent though, and might have only had a couple of beers (with meals) in the whole time. Loads to see and do, a lot free or very cheap.

Posted 11 months ago #
t-obias - Member

I think I can understand where you're coming from and I think I would probably feel the same. But, is it possible the sister-in-law might not have thought you wanted to go, or just didn't think to factor you into her offer? Could she have just thought that with you working she might be able to help out by paying for your OH and child? Could be something completely innocent and you've reacted badly to it?

I only say that because I've done it myself in the past, but once cooler heads have prevailed I've been embrassed and felt bad for how I acted/thought/felt.

Posted 11 months ago #
Jon Taylor - Member

At first I thought "yes, deffo stirring", but that was because you suggested it.

Perhaps as lots have suggested, they're trying to be sensitive with regards to handing out money.

Additionally

my OH's nephew is getting married

That's a very tenuous link to be getting free flights to Vegas!

Also

My sister in law has offered to pay...

Fair enough they're flying your OH, or to put it clearly.... your OH's sister is paying fopr her own sister. I don't know your family dynamic, but IME no man comes between sisters

So to me, your OH's sister wanted her to come and clearly felt that the little one couldn't stay behind ing your capable hands. Maybe she vented that she wished she could get away?

I hope this hasn't caused offence, is just my interpretation etc. etc.

Posted 11 months ago #
totalshell - Member

if her indoors and the kid go look at the associsted costs.. meals, spending money, clothes, wedding outfits, wedding presents it'll add up for sure if moneys tight one goes, all go and vegas is an adults play pen everything costs and is deasigned with adults only in mind. we stayed at home and wathced my mrs beat mate get married by elvis on the internet and had a party for them when they got back for a fraction of what it would have cost to go.. and the memories of watching elvis doing his stuff on the pc were much better than been there..

Posted 11 months ago #
allthepies - Member

Just agree as a family not to go, you say your OH isn't too keen anyway (or that's what I thought you said). And +1 on not taking a 4yr old to Vegas.

Posted 11 months ago #
konabunny - Member

but IME no man comes between sisters

Well said that (wo)man. Your s-i-l is doing your sister a favour because she wants her sister to be there when her son gets married. In the nicest possible way, you're the +1.

It might not be practical in your situation but the suggestion for you to keep the kid while your wife's away is a nice one. Also means you can have your family holiday abroad together in due course.

Her husband earns a good wage and recently received an inheritance

You want your wife's sister's husband to pay for you to go to Las Vegas?

Posted 11 months ago #
molgrips - Member

An overseas wedding when a) you can't afford to pay people to come over and b) your family can't afford it themselves is a bit out of order too imo.

Posted 11 months ago #
brassneck - Member

If she -really- wants to go, then I'd say let your wife go to the wedding and keep the kid at home. You'll be saving money and doing him a favour. Take him camping or something

+1

If I could afford to go, I'd still hire a car and get the hell out of there with the boys and let the wife deal with the wedding whilst we have some fun

Posted 11 months ago #
philconsequence - Member

An overseas wedding when a) you can't afford to pay people to come over and b) your family can't afford it themselves is a bit out of order too imo.

normally your pretty open minded molly so i'm a bit surprised by that comment... what if they wanted a small wedding miles away from certain friends and family... or simply.. what if they wanted vegas?

EDIT - so summarise... its not the families wedding, or the guests wedding. its the 2 people getting married.

Posted 11 months ago #

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