I'll start with a physics one.

Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the police on the motorway. Cop says to him, "Do you know what speed you were doing sir?"

He replies, "No. But I know exactly where I am."

What you got?

😆 I have none in return though.

I just googled him and still don't get it.Then again I dropped physics at 13

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

This is why geeks were never popular at school 😉

One for the computer geeks!

Why is is the computer geek Santa scary?

Because he can't tell the difference between Oct 31 and Dec 25………..

Edric – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_mechanics

Paranoid schizophrenic sitting on his own in a room…what does he say?

"Run for it lads!"

Lets have some proper toilet humour, I don't come here to be patronised 😉

There are 10 types of people on this planet.

Those that get binary and those that dont.

if you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate.

Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.

Q: Why is potassium a racist element?
A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge.

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac.

He stayed up all night debating whether there was or wasn't a dog.

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you a martini "Descartes says "I don't think…" and he disappears

Not sure this is intellectual but it's science based.

Why did the bear dissolve in water?

Because it was a polar bear!

Two atoms walking down the street. One says to the other "I think I've lost an electron"
The other atom replies "Are you Sure?"
"Yes I'm positive"

This is one I did all by misself.

Ahem….

I say I say I say,
Which Composer never left home for very long?

(wait for it

wait for it

almost there

almost

there

here we go)

Offenbach.

HAHAHAhahahahaahh…hh..h 😐

I chuckled at both of those 😆

my only 2 intellectual jokes are..
the classic

I'm hit, I'm hit I've lost an electron
Are you sure?
I'm positive!

(edit: whoops I was a bit slow there!)
and another…

an electron, a proton and a neutron walk into a bar, the electron buys the first round of drinks "that'll be £5 then please sir", so he hands the money over. The proton buys the next round, another £5. Then the neutron goes and orders a round – "for you sir, no charge!"

How many amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A what?

Two cats sat on a tin roof. Which one falls off first?

The one with the lowest mew

roper. I LOL'd

For the mathematicians:

What's purple and commutes?

An abelian grape.

I'm not getting thv3's one. It's driving me nuts.

@ Rio

Real Madrid, 1 – SurReal Madrid, Fish

"This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.

A man walks into a bar, and realises he is slightly under atmospheric pressure.

What goes "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?

A parroty error.

A mathematician, a biologist and an engineer are sitting in a Cafe watching an empty house. Two people walk into the house, and then later three people walk out.

The biologist claims "They must have reproduced!"

The Engineer claims "The orginal assumption that the house was empty must have been incorrect!"

The Mathematician claims "Now if one more persons enters the house, it will be empty again!"

1=0!

what's pink and dusty?..

Madeleine MacCans bike

What's yellow and dangerous?

A canary with root password.

A SQL statement walks into a bar and spots a couple of tables. It walks over to them and asks "Can I join you?"

A Higgs Boson walks into a catholic church and sits down at a pew.

The priest's doing his rounds, and spots the hypothetical subatomic particle sitting at a pew. The priest says "Oi! You can't come in here. Subatomic particles don't have souls".

The higgs boson replies, "Ah! But you can't have Mass without me".

Who'd have thought Wikipedia would have a whole section on maths jokes.

I like this one, attributed to Bill Bailey:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." Each next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.

Can you name a cardinal bigger than the Pope?

Two to the Pope.

Buzz – oct is base 8, dec is base 10 (eg normal)

31 in base 8 = 25 in base 10 (3×8+1)

A. Top posters.
Q. What is the most annoying thing on Usenet?

DoH!

I should have got that

Q What does a physicist* use for contraception?

A His personality

* or substitute mathematician/engineer/mountain biker

/* Halley */

(Halley's comment.)

Intellectual toilet humour? Constipated mathematician:- works out his logs with a pencil.
Boom tish
Ian