Door to door salesman knocks on a door and a 13 year-old boy answers wearing high-heels, suspenders, a smoking jacket and drinking a huge glass of Courvoisier. The salesman says 'Are your Mum and Dad in?' The boys answers 'Does it f+cking look like they're in?'.

I bought a flat opposite an abattoir. The view was offal.

q. what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
a. full up

q. what do you call an italian with a rubber toe?
a. roberto

the government is having problems with it's Swine-Flu advice phone service…There's too much crackling on the line.

I went to a zoo yesterday but they only had one dog.

It was a Shih Tzu

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Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

Because he kneeded a poo.

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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

what's the differents between a disgruntled baker and a medievil knight?

One darts into the foe, the other bakes bread.

That baker joke near ended me.

An Irishman walks into a pub with a $hite in his hand and says
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Look what I nearly stood on!!

Johnboy, in a good way or a bad way? Should I grab my coat?

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth…. can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now…can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that…
Can I see her wun awound?"

here's my effort, hope expletives are okay 😉

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older

and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to **** off.

have you tried a tarka curry,it's like a tikka but a little otter

and

2 ships collided out at sea,one had a cargo of red paint and the other had a cargo of blue paint,apparently the crews were marooned

ciao!

these are getting so much better..

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?

He couldnt sleep for wondering if there really was a dog.

Whats green, got 4 legs and would kill you if it jumped out of Tree?

A snooker table..

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

a doyoulickalotapus!…. 😯

A bloke walks in to the vet with a dead budgie.

The vet says he can't be sure and needs further tests. He whistles and in comes his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head. Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away. "I'm afraid your budgie is definitely dead," says the vet. "That will be £1,010."

"What?" says the bloke. "More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?"

"'Fraid so," says the vet. "Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan."