Similar to the joke about the embarrassment of being caught wanking by your mum (ie. not expecting her to wake up)
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IN need of some seriously funny jokes....fire away (its been one of those days)
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Posted 2 years ago #
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why do cave men drag their women around by the hair?
Because if they dragged them by the feet, they'd fill up with mud.
Posted 2 years ago # -
wow alpins is winning...
Posted 2 years ago # -
Two dwarves win the lottery. They decide to go to Amstterdam to spend some of their winnings. After an extremely heavy night on the sauce and smokes they decided to visit the red light district.
After each selecting a lady of the night, they return to the hotel with their new companions, say goodnight and dissappear off into their seperate rooms.
The first dwarf is really wasted, and the hooker tries everything she can think of to get him aroused. After several hours of trying she gives up and leaves and the dwarf starts to drift off to sleep. Just as he is drifting off he hears noise coming from his mates room next door.
"1..2..3..ooof." "1..2..3..OOOFF" "1...2...3....OOOf"Bloody hell he thinks covering his head with a pillow, at least someone is having a good time.
In the morning the dwarves meet up for a very late, hungover breakfast.
"Good night?" asks the second dwarf.
"Not really" replies the first dwarf, "Blimmin embarassing really, i couldn't get it up at all."
"Thats nothing," replied the second dwarf "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
IGMC
Posted 2 years ago # -
The 7 Dwarves wake up with a hangover, especially Dopey. It was a wild night, Dopey's really not sure what he got up to, he can hardly remember beyond small details....
"I can't believe it", says Happy, "We've got to go and check..."
They get to the first convent in town and rap on the door...
"Hello, Mother Superior. Could you please tell us, do you have any midget nuns?
"No, to be sure we do not"To the second convent...
"Hello, Mother Superior. Could you please tell us, do you have any midget nuns?
"No, to be sure we do not"To the third and final convent in town
"Hello, Mother Superior. Could you please tell us, do you have any midget nuns?
"No, to be sure we do not"Six of the seven dwarves turn to Dopey, pointing and laughing....
"Dopey f***ed a penguin! Dopey f***ed a penguin!"
Posted 2 years ago # -
Door to door salesman knocks on a door and a 13 year-old boy answers wearing high-heels, suspenders, a smoking jacket and drinking a huge glass of Courvoisier. The salesman says 'Are your Mum and Dad in?' The boys answers 'Does it f+cking look like they're in?'.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I bought a flat opposite an abattoir. The view was offal.
Posted 2 years ago # -
q. what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
a. full upq. what do you call an italian with a rubber toe?
a. robertoPosted 2 years ago # -
the government is having problems with it's Swine-Flu advice phone service...There's too much crackling on the line.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I went to a zoo yesterday but they only had one dog.
It was a Shih Tzu
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Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
Because he kneeded a poo.
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Posted 2 years ago # -
what's the differents between a disgruntled baker and a medievil knight?
One darts into the foe, the other bakes bread.
Posted 2 years ago # -
That baker joke near ended me.
Posted 2 years ago # -
An Irishman walks into a pub with a $hite in his hand and says
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Look what I nearly stood on!!Posted 2 years ago # -
Johnboy, in a good way or a bad way? Should I grab my coat?
Posted 2 years ago # -
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"Posted 2 years ago # -
here's my effort, hope expletives are okay
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to **** off.
Posted 2 years ago # -
have you tried a tarka curry,it's like a tikka but a little otter
and
2 ships collided out at sea,one had a cargo of red paint and the other had a cargo of blue paint,apparently the crews were marooned
ciao!
Posted 2 years ago # -
these are getting so much better..
Posted 2 years ago # -
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?
He couldnt sleep for wondering if there really was a dog.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Whats green, got 4 legs and would kill you if it jumped out of Tree?
A snooker table..
Posted 2 years ago # -
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
a doyoulickalotapus!....
Posted 2 years ago # -
A bloke walks in to the vet with a dead budgie.
The vet says he can't be sure and needs further tests. He whistles and in comes his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head. Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away. "I'm afraid your budgie is definitely dead," says the vet. "That will be £1,010."
"What?" says the bloke. "More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?"
"'Fraid so," says the vet. "Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan."
Posted 2 years ago #
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