🙂

There are no rules

get some practice in http://www.fetchfido.co.uk/games/white_van_man/white_van.htm

A collection of invoices/orderbooks/thermal mugs/bookies pens/copy of the Daily Star shoved under the windscreen

The sun is out.. so you MUST have the right arm resting on the open window sill

never, never change gear untill you see all the engine valves peppering the underside of the bonnet

NO indecaters allowed

Ideally you also need a rubbish local commercial radio station blasting out as well

you’re good to go now

When switching lanes you must ensure there is a MAXIMUM 2 car lengths between you and the car behind you in the lane you are switching into.

Remove indicator bulbs.

If you drive further than 2 car lengths away from the car in front of you the hounds of hell will be released on your unborn children.

The best places to park are disabled spaces, double yellow lines, in front of people’s driveways and the middle of single track country lanes. It’s ok though because you’re only making a delivery.

You must eat burgers.

Official speed limits for commercial vehicles are lower.

You must keep a copy of the Sun newspaper and a couple of empty polystyrene coffee cups on the dashboard.

You must resist the temptation to stereotype people in a derogatory fashion otherwise people will mistake you for a middle aged, middle class, IT professional that likes to ride a pushbike.

If needing to overtake a vehicle in the outside lane, the distance between rear bumper and bonnet badge is measured in the international unit of ‘Rizla Paper’.

Driving a white van is great, I’d never realised you could wheelspin a transit while on a roundabout – till I drove one 🙂

And yeah, why go with the cliche, it’s just so cliche!

There is a plumbers downstairs from my flat, all drive clean tidy transits and all drive well as far as I’ve seen.

White van man syndrome: the white vans at my work come with a Sun/Daily Sport pre-installed on the dashboard. Maybe Ford/Vauxhall/etc should take note and add it to their options list?

So stereotypical, but only seems to apply if the van isn’t yours. Totally different when you own the van IME!

Use of hazard warning lights will allow free parking anywhere and confer immunity from the parking enforcement agents.

well said trailmonkey 😀
middle aged, middle class, IT professionals…… bless em

you must have a pair of boobs drawn in the crap on the back doors

you may park anywhere by the use of the hazard lights, these make you immune to traffic wardens

the Bass and Treble controls on the radio must be turned up to their absolute maximum

talk sport or local radio only, no exceptions.

if possible, you must find and re-deliver trailmonkey’s sense of humour

Im in the same boat as you so after a month this is what ive found so far…

Keep your own log of your mileage…
Check for body damage before you get in it…
If they give you a check list then check everything on the list…
Get a Shell card and only fill up with Shell fuel, nice bonus every 3 months…
Dont take any money with you as you will buy crap when you fill up…
Ride twice as far as normal unless you want to put on weight…
As mentioned, watch speeds limits…

like this

Official speed limits for commercial vehicles are lower.

Unofficial limits are twice that stated on signs.

As a white van owner,

I always drive with respect for other road users,even women,

Always indicate left turns before i stop at traffic lights, not indicate or turn when the lights go amber,

Keep the van in a clean and tidy condition,

Treat traffic wardens with respect,theyre only doing there job, the same as me,

Always obey the speed limits,

Always stop on red lights,

Switch on the hazard flashers when reverseing,

Allow buses and other comercial vehicles out of junctions if safe, and after checking mirors for cyclists,

Have a samll soft toy elephant on the dash board, to show my sensitive side,

Always allow cyclists plenty of room, even if they slow me down,

And finally use headlights in heavy rain , and in the dark.

you must have a pair of boobs drawn in the crap on the back doors

Personally i favour “i wish my wife was as dirty as this van”

my favourite…. “if my wife was this dirty i’d still be seeing my kids”

or

“if the girlfriend was this dirty she’d be my wife”

one of my best ever uni jobs from summer was working for the council driving either white vans or flatbed trucks and mowing the parks, trimming the trees etc

me and a mate got landed this plum job and before you knew it we were suckered in to the mentality…..

bacon sarnie every morning the 1st thing u did after leaving the depot, crap local radio, reading the sun
working your ass off for a couple of hours then sitting around for a couple of hours, unless the foreman was around and eyeing up every bit of totty that strolled passed …..
and believe me u never realised how many respectable looking women gave white van man/manual labourer a sly glance, cheeky grin or puffing out the chest,
they really do like their bit or rough!
some of the other guys we were working with were absolute nutters to be honest but still happy days!

Official speed limits for commercial vehicles are lower.

Offical speed limits for vans or not necessarily lower.

You must resist the temptation to stereotype people in a derogatory fashion otherwise people will mistake you for a middle aged, middle class, IT professional that likes to ride a pushbike.

I’m a white middle aged, middle class, IT professional that likes to ride a pushbike and also a white van man 😈

I’m a white middle aged, middle class, IT professional that likes to ride a pushbike and also a white van man

There is no God.

You must resist the temptation to stereotype people in a derogatory fashion otherwise people will mistake you for a middle aged, middle class, IT professional that likes to ride a pushbike.

Just becasue it’s a sterotype, it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Hear hear, stereotypes come about for a reason! (from an under-30 mixed race engineering professional that likes to ride a push bike).

You must:

Honk, whistle or shout at every ‘fit’ woman walking on the pavement.

Drive as close to cyclists as you can, even get the passenger to slap them on the arse out the window as you go past.

Always answer the phone when driving, if urgent then text a reply.

Speed limits are in fact a minimum speed.

Under no circumstances must you clean the inside or outside of your van.

You must not:

Respect other road uses.

Or drive in the correct lane.

you must carry some form of digital device to allow customers to sign for goods.
this device must never work.
always carry an undecipherable paper alternative but stop the customer filling in time and condition of goods delivered.

Have an expletive-laden tirade ready to be unleashed as soon as you cut someone up. Then it’s their fault!

Always merge lanes at the last possible minute, force your way in. Don’t wait for c**ts who don’t drive for a living to let you in, show them who’s boss. What do they know? They cant even drive right.

If you want to cross two or more lanes of traffic when leaving a junction, just do it. One lane at a time will suffice. Make sure everyone stops as opposed to waiting for an opening. If anyone has the cheek to blow the horn at you, slam on your brakes, shout at them etc. If they beep more than once then you must engage in a physical confrontation – You are ALWAYS right.

Well, in my previous life as a van driver, I got it horribly wrong. Always had a good book for downtime, occasionally bought a broadsheet but hid it in the van for fear of ridicule, listened to Radio 4 exclusively, eat wholemeal sandwiches brought from home and generally drove the same way as I cycle (defensively).

No wonder I left…….

Hooray i’m a stereotype, my white van is currently sitting in the disabled space in front of our building and the radio is tuned to talksport.

Then again my avensis does both of them too, so maybe its pilot error.

3rd gear works for everything. I drove a really shite Citroen van once and only after 2 hours of moaning about its complete lack of guts discovered that I’d been pulling away in 3rd gear instead of first.

Switch on the hazard flashers when reverseing,

WTF??
Hazard flashers should only be used when you are broken down,imho.

If driving a Mercedes Sprinter you must do at least 90mph on a motorway.*
If driving a V.W. Transporter,however,they are easily good for 100mph.*

*Allegedly.