I'm really not alright

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  • I'm really not alright
  • Premier Icon Del
    Subscriber

    shit. only just seen this. i have space at mine and will be happy to go for a pint or whatever you want to do. anything you need, just shout.
    so sorry.
    del underscore page at yahoo dot com

    Premier Icon midlifecrashes
    Subscriber

    Good luck mate. Keep thinking of your good times, as well as his. Think ahead to the summer and the racing and the good times. If exams and dissertations are on the go, make sure your tutors know as well as the pastoral crew.

    thegreatape
    Member

    …tried to hold him up…support his weight…cut him down…dialled 999…CPR…

    Gave it your best shot then, which is all anyone can ask. Sometimes it’s just not possible to save them. You will go through it over and over again and no doubt think ‘What if I’d done that instead…’ and so on, which I think is the normal reaction. I hope that in due course you will realise that you did everything you could and that it was his choice rather than your fault, because that is the bottom line.

    I hope the tone of this doesn’t come across badly. Sorry if it does. I’m just narrating the thought process I followed a couple of months ago after I spent 2 hours trying to persuade a bloke with a rucksack full of bricks on his back not to jump into the sea. I failed to talk him round, he jumped, and it took us 10 minutes to locate him and get him out of the water, and start CPR, which didn’t work. Thought about it often for a few days, until I had satisfied myself that I’d done all I could, and it’s not an issue now. I think it’s worse for you because it was someone you knew, not a stranger, but I hope you come to the same conclusion.

    All the best.

    tga

    Premier Icon Coyote
    Subscriber

    You did everything you could, no one could have done more. I really feel for you and your friends family. Spend as much time with real people as you can and keep talking. There are plenty of us who will listen. You have my email…

    Probably the last thing you want to do, but make some phone calls NOW – I can’t believe anybody who’s a real friend would object to getting a call from you at the moment.

    Do this now if you havent already. I realise its a hard step. Its almost 2 years ago that I got the news my brother had died suddenly in Baku. I was left a bit lost and like many it seems posted here first. Its hard to tell people but your friends are what you need right now.

    RealMan
    Member

    Had a nice night last night, in the accommodation the uni hooked me up with. Felt like being back in first year. Had a lecture at 9am, and I was feeling ok. Towards the end the lecturer hesitated on something and had to stop for a few seconds to work something out, and all the thoughts started coming back. And then I got an email on my phone – the university announcing that there had been a student death. Had to leave the lecture.

    Had a meeting with student services & support today. Was pretty horrible, but helpful. A lot of pressure has been lifted in terms of coursework/exams/normal stuff/etc.

    Also had to go the police station to give a statement. My friend (who also lives here) went in the day before, and it took him 30 or so minutes for his, and he was the last person to see him alive. I was in there for over an hour. Wasn’t nice. Saw his family outside the station before going in. They’re being really supportive, and kept telling me how sorry they were. I didn’t really know what to say, surely it’s worse for them than me? I don’t want to make it into a competition, but it feels weird that everyone seems to be worrying about me.

    I coached tonight, and none of the other coaches were there so I lost myself in the session, and had a really nice 3 hours or so doing that. Distractions are good.

    Friends are great. Some have been really supportive about it, others don’t mention it at all. I appreciate both.

    The police gave me a copy of his note, not sure if I want to read it again.

    I wasn’t drinking at the moment anyway, and I’m not going to start. I think I’ll go ride a bike tomorrow. I rode Monday (more out of business than pleasure or training) and it felt pretty good. Bloody cold mind.

    Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts. I usually avoid threads like this as I either can’t think of anything to say that would make any difference or that hasn’t been said already. But sometimes stuff that doesn’t really make a difference is better than nothing at all, I guess.

    ernie_lynch
    Member

    Look after yourself RM. You seem to be doing all the right things – keep busy and off the booze.

    Premier Icon bearnecessities
    Subscriber

    Read through this earlier, nothing I could think to say, but your comment..

    Some have been really supportive about it, others don’t mention it at all. I appreciate both.

    … made me realise that with an outlook like that, you’ll pull through.

    Condolences & Best Wishes to all.

    Premier Icon stavromuller
    Subscriber

    There is a chance you could suffer from post traumatic stress, talk things through with a medical professional asap.

    landofgiants
    Member

    All the best mate. Like others have said previously, get counselling. Post traumatic stress is a very real danger and can lead to your own depression.

    You seem a really sensible and gathered lad, but don’t go it alone.

    Kevevs
    Member

    F********K terrible. don’t know what to say mate 🙁 Call MIND or your Doc if it’s making you feel bad.

    Premier Icon aracer
    Subscriber

    I usually avoid threads like this as I either can’t think of anything to say that would make any difference or that hasn’t been said already.

    So do I. Thanks very much for the update – not that it won’t be horrible for a while, but you’re headed in the right direction. The thing to remember about the horrible bits (ie talking to the police) is that they’re done and you don’t have to worry about them any more. Also don’t feel guilty about his family worrying about you.

    Just remember to talk rather than bottling it up – if you’ve got people you can talk to then that’s wonderful, if not, or if there are things you don’t want to discuss with somebody close then make use of the professionals.

    piemonster
    Member

    This is awful, I can’t even begin to think of the right thing to say.

    My thoughts are with you.

    Premier Icon scaredypants
    Subscriber

    Good morning RM – Hope you’re (all) doing okay

    dannyh
    Member

    RM – you sound a lot more sensible and grown up than I was at Uni (I assume you are 20ish).

    Your latest post does you a lot of credit.

    Definitely stay off the booze – you obviously don’t need it anyway, so steer well clear. It won’t help.

    Get on your bike if you can – I never cease to be amazed by how many really great things I see out on my bike that I would otherwise miss.

    Try to stay in your usual routine as much as possible and, really, all the best.

    Premier Icon andytherocketeer
    Subscriber

    Colleague did this, almost exactly 1 year ago. Basically the week before Easter.

    Uni or wherever should be able to hook up counselling (our employer did this for free for all staff, contractors and family members, but I don’t think anyone took up the offer, but it’s all confidential anyway so maybe some sneaked away).

    I just went out for a ride, 4 days over Easter. Was surprised how quickly you get over the shock. Was also surprised how many other people have been affected by such situations – think there are a few threads on here.

    scotia
    Member

    All the best. Use stw, as in times like these its suprisingly useful..

    chewkw
    Member

    Sorry to hear about your friend.

    Not your fault.

    Stay strong.

    ontor
    Member

    Hey George, nice to meet you the other day.

    I didn’t really know what to say, surely it’s worse for them than me? I don’t want to make it into a competition, but it feels weird that everyone seems to be worrying about me.

    Don’t feel bad or worry, you probably knew him at least as well as his family – you chose each others company after all. People worry about you because they care. Helping you might be healing for the family and yourself. We all grieve and deal with things differently and need a range of approaches, don’t just try to bottle up and tough it out. It takes time & does improve.

    Feel free to get in touch if you want to talk to a random almost stranger, perhaps over a spin on haldon?
    Joe

    Herman Shake
    Member

    I’m so sorry you went through this. My friend Stu took his life in the same way and his wife came home to find him, etc. Similarly he had been diagnosed and been medicated and in a MH hospital for a period of time.

    Having seen what she went through and the crushing sense of tragedy I can honestly say it will get better. You have a rollercoaster of healing ahead of you and you need to be as open with those around you as you feel safe to. If being busy helps and there are people who can just be ‘normal’ with you, be among them. Don’t isolate yourself, counselling and support groups are there and are likely to help when you feel ready to approach them. She didn’t stay in their place after the event and moved out as it was too strongly connected with the trauma. Stay with friends/family for the short term at least.

    I couldn’t eat properly for the first week (very unusual for me, not expected) and sleep was similarly disrupted. Make sure someone is keeping track of you, they don’t need to be with you all the time but it’s good to have someone aware of how you’re coping or not. Your post above sounds like you’re doing ok which is great to read.

    If you would like any more information about how my friend got through it or the groups she used then email me at shameer AT gmx DOT co.uk

    Equally if you just want to vent or chat, please feel free. It’s amazing you had the composure to do what you did for him.

    instant hit
    Member

    Sounds like you are getting support RealMan, just make sure you have someone you can continue to confide in over the next few weeks.
    I am in Exeter and if i can be of assistance or you fancy some company on a ride just shout. Take care.

    DenDennis
    Member

    Very sorry to hear this, RM.

    hope you’re OK, get out on the bike or walking whenever you can- keep strong, fella.

    Premier Icon ononeorange
    Subscriber

    All the best Realman.

    Nothing helpful to add, but good on you. Especially for laying off the booze.

    Hope you are OK and the thoughts of STW are with you.

    Awful sad. Absolutely not your fault you did all you reasonably could. Seek some help and spend lots of time with close friends and family. (Man hug)

    RealMan
    Member

    Thanks again for all the kind thoughts and words.

    I asked his parents if they’d like me to say something at the funeral, it seemed the right thing to do, and they said yes. I think I’ve only been to one or two funerals in my life, when I was probably 3 years old or something, so don’t really have a clue what to say. I have an idea of what I’d like to say, but would really appreciate hearing of any experiences and tips? Although I’m guessing there’s not really a rulebook for this sort of thing.

    crikey
    Member

    People want to know about what he meant to you, and funerals are shitty places to be without humour.

    Write a short but humorous piece about you and him and make them laugh.

    Then sit and read it 5 times, stand and read it 5 times until you can do it without notes.

    It’s a performance, make it a good one, make it funny, make it heartfelt and only cry at the end.

    It’s a tough call but my advice from personal experience; get your race face on and give it your best shot.

    You’re not doing it for you, you’re doing it for everyone else, so make it the best that you can.

    Premier Icon Bregante
    Subscriber

    What crikey said. Say what he meant to you.

    My uncle died four years ago. He was something of a rogue and had lived a somewhat colourful life. A few ‘known’ faces came to the funeral and one of them told a story that had the vicar almost calling an end to the proceedings. We were all in stitches and it really made the day.

    pingu66
    Member

    Its about your friend. Whatever you say will be brilliant. Its your personal memories that you can share with everyone to show what he meant to you.

    Do him proud. i know you will.

    gozarch
    Member

    I think people appreciate how difficult a thing it is to do. If you can speak from the heart, and hopefully make people smile at times, you’ll have done a wonderful thing for your friend and the people he left behind.

    Premier Icon JoeG
    Subscriber

    OP – wow! You offered to speak at the funeral! There is no way that I could have done that. That’s really a brave thing to do, and I’m sure that it will mean a lot to his family.

    My advice on what to say would be to share something positive. Preferably something that no one else would know about. Something that he did that was funny, or a time that he really helped someone out.

    Whatever you say, I’m sure that it will be appreciated. Good luck!

    Kevevs
    Member

    an anecdote that refers to the genuine character of the guy, that everyone will “get”. Ohhh… he was just like that.. just be heartfelt and kind.

    Premier Icon manton69
    Subscriber

    My uncle, Michael, did the same thing and this is possibly the first thread that I have read here that has had me in tears (well apart from the picolax thread, but that is very, very different).

    As for the offer of speaking at the funeral that is something that everybody will appreciate. They all want to say goodbye and to remember your friend. As has already been said you should include happy and funny moments. Just pick one moment, or thing that happened that you think illustrates what made him your mate. It may be a well known anecdote, or something that you two never shared with anybody else and you can start to build from there.

    Best of luck and keep riding (one of the things that keeps me sane and makes me remember my uncle every time I am out).

    Andy

    RealMan
    Member

    I started with a quote from a song. Then warned everyone that it was fairly likely that I might cry, and then talked. I put in a little bit of humour, a lot of honesty, and a lot of Sam. Finished with a poem he showed me once.

    It seemed really well received. I went back to my seat and burst into tears. Was a very hard day, but it couldn’t have gone any better I think. Thanks for all the advice.

    ernie_lynch
    Member

    Well done.

    Premier Icon aracer
    Subscriber

    Well done.

    +1

    And another! Sounds like you did the right thing. Good on you.

    Kevevs
    Member

    Good stuff realman. Must’ve been hard. Well done you.

    Premier Icon scaredypants
    Subscriber

    well done realman – hopefully it’s helped you a bit too

    pingu66
    Member

    Well done Realman that sounds perfect. Its what you shared and how you knew him.

    Glad you got through it and I hope it helped you as well.

    Premier Icon Bunnyhop
    Subscriber

    Well done.

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