Ah, where do I start?? Emotional anguish tonight STWers, needing something from you. Regular poster posting under a new handle for this.
So: in a nutshell- over 20 years ago, I stupidly dumped a girl who really needed me. Young and stupid, I was.
She was great, I just wasn’t ready for all of that. By the time I woke up a couple of months later she’d met someone else, but was seriously on the rebound, half-wanted to take me back but was scared to…
…and then found out she was pregnant by him, and got strong-armed into marriage.
I carried a torch for about 3 years, and then by chance I bump into her again- still married, just had second child, but wanted me back. She’d had a rough time, and for various reasons I said no- somewhat nobly, I felt that if I was out of the way she’d make a fist of her marriage. Which (through 3rd parties) I found out that she later had.
But I never forgot about her, not really. As druidh would note, she was one of the ones that come along that I could have easily married. One of 2, in actual fact, as I met my wife about 5 years after all this, who I’m still with.
I never made any effort to track her down or anything like that, and never expected that now, in my mid-40s, she would by chance end up moving very close to me, and that we would have friends/associates in common. We’ve had awkward encounters, and so (maybe stupidly) decided to talk about how we were going to get around things for the best of all concerned.
What I didn’t expect were all the issues that came out, the major one of which is-
She: I would never have went back with him if you had said you wanted me- I was yours, you just had to ask you muppet!
Me: <tears>
I knew I still had strong feelings for her, perhaps on account of how it all panned out, but didn’t expect just how natural and good being with her would be. She’s a wonderful woman, in so many ways. But I feel so guilty- I’ve never as much as looked at another woman in my marriage (well, I have, but you know what I mean) and value fidelity and trust over everything. But a part of me seriously thinks: if I’d known she’d felt that way, would I have done things differently? And it pains me to be honest and say: I would have. I was trying to be a good guy and let her get on with a marriage that it turns out was exactly what she didn’t want me to do.
I’m not really looking for advice, as I know what you’ll all say:
75%- stop all contact
25%- bang her back doors in
I’m sorry for the rambling state of this post, I really am. I never intended to be in this state. I am such a dick. I’m a man in his mid 40’s sitting here sobbing and trying to to get the picture of her face out of my mind, and wondering why I still miss her so badly after 20+ years. What if she really was ‘the one’ and I let her go? I’ve a wife and kids that need to come first, but how can I face them if this is whats really going on inside me?