Underground lair where a team of underground hippies give loved people slow punctures.

Broken childhood books seem to be all the rage, so some endearing memoirs of brutality by god fearing Nuns in a laundry should appeal.

camo16 = John Crace

i’m expecting the first chapter to be posted in this thread at some point today…. 8)

http://www.literaryreview.co.uk/badsexpassages.html

Bad sex passages eh? Sounds like my teens.

Now that we have:

An emotionally sensitive ninja hero
A gay horse
A childhood sweetheart/orphan artist
Man-eating sexually predatory slugs
A Nazi UFO conspiracy
Susan Sarandon
A Muslim fundamentalist swan
A vampire wizard who keeps werewolves as pets
Love beyond death
A cyborg
A spaceship (crashing) carrying ostriches (burning)
Chocolate
Heart-to-heart girlie chats

I think I’m almost ready to go.

Chapter 1: The Eight Plagues of the Sea Dwelling Overlords

…will follow soon. Honestly, people, writing best-seller fiction is not like Iggy Pop shopping for car insurance. It takes time.

you forgot about the whole killing the one you love by causing them to fill up with fart gas!

HURRY!!

you forgot about the whole killing the one you love by causing them to fill up with fart gas!

HURRY!!

Sorry!

Truth is I’m still struggling with the first line.

Which of these is better?:

1. They called them the handless because they had no hands. (Serious literature)

or

2. “Derek’s that big?” Susan exclaimed. “My dear, I don’t know how you manage. Tell you what, let’s have a heart-to-heart over a nice box of Ferraro Rocher.” (Chic Lit)

It’s a style dilemma.

“Fighting between the Handless that occupied the darkest corners of her mind and the sheer size of Derek’s… box of expensive girly chocolates, Susan struggled to focus.”

“Fighting between the Handless that occupied the darkest corners of her mind and the sheer size of Derek’s… box of expensive girly chocolates, Susan struggled to focus.”

“What’s with you, Susan?” asked Nancy. “You’ve been hogging the Quality Street for ages. Is it Derek?”

Susan looked up, wearily. As an artistic orphan, she did ‘weary’ well.

“Derek’s part of the problem,” she admitted. “I mean, he’s my childhood sweetheart and I really, really care for him. But this ninja hero stuff is becoming a real pain.”

“Pays the bills, I suppose,” Nancy murmured softly.

“Suppose so,” said Susan. “And I have to admit he saved the day for us all during that Nazi UFO conspiracy…”

She trailed off in confusion.

“…it’s just, well, ever since he got that horse he’s completely lost interest in me. I’ve redecorated the house. He hasn’t even noticed.”

“You know,” Nancy replied, leaning in and stroking Susan’s firm thigh. “I never realised how wonderfully shiny your hair is…”

Next door, the man-eating sexually predatory slugs woke from their deep slumber…

It’s called the ‘real love doesn’t pass wind’ dilema… Anyone who is loved cannot burp or fart and expand until they burst, so all the characters know by falling in love they will kill the one they love… Celebrities and good parents don’t last long thus creating an interesting social and cultural dynamic you could explore.

On a completely serious note, Joe Haldeman wrote a short story the complete opposite of that, where you live forever as long as someone is in love with you.

And? AND?????

Don’t tell me you’ve got writers block already.
Bloody pencil squeezers, always shirking.

can we add pictures to the book crudely drawn in MS Paint? get some of the other arty types involved, equal opportunities and all that.

can we add pictures to the book crudely drawn in MS Paint? get some of the other arty types involved, equal opportunities and all that.

Sure.

We’ll need crude drawings (both in terms of technique and subject matter)

Anyone on this forum able to draw crude pictures of crude things on MS Paint?

Applications welcome.

can we add pictures to the book crudely drawn in MS Paint?

+1, we can say they’re drawn by disabled children, and that a percentage of the books sales will go to charity (0.0000000001%).

Applications welcome.

Hmmm. What’s the pay like?

problem is I’m sure that most disabled kids draw better than most STW posters (me in particular).

One thing missed is you need to make it so that women who live alone with their cats think that the main character is “just like them” (i.e. not at all like them but like they’re in sex and the city). So you need to have the Heart-to-heart girlie chats in a cocktail bar or boutique hotel in Cannes/Marrakech/New York; a pint in Wetwang won’t do it.

Combining both pictures and a sure-fire, happy ending perhaps the hero could fly off into the sunset?

Section 2:

(I’ve cleverly left you waiting for the man-eating sexual predator slugs. What are they about to do to poor Susan and Nancy? You’ll have to wait)

It took all of Derek’s ninja knowledge to access the paddock without disturbing Ian, his prize horse. He crept through the barn, sidled past the bridles and tip-toed closer, closer, closer until he could almost reach Ian’s perfectly formed hind quarters.

How fine Ian looked this morning! How his mane swished in the cool dawn breeze, as if in slow-motion. How Derek longed to stroke it.

“Hey Ian,” said Derek. “I like the plaited tail thing you’ve got going on. Very ABBA.”

“Oh hi Derek,” Ian replied, taking a step backwards. “I swear I’ll never get used to this whole ninja approach thing… and stop staring at me like that. You’re making me nervous.”

“Easy, easy, easy,” Derek soothed. “I promise I’ll take it easy.”

“Swear?” said Ian. “I’ve got three miles of galloping to get through before 11 o’clock so I can’t afford to be sore.”

Have I blown it? Suddenly the talking gay horse theme seems a bit much…

personally i dont think the horse should be able to talk… but its obviously looking uncomfortable as it slowly fills with gas, perhaps (as we dont want to kill off the horse too quick) the love-gas could be equalled out by ‘hate deflation’ as dereks missus obviously doesnt like the horse? hate deflation only works with domesticated animals, medical FACT

Got it, Phil. Less horse talking, more gas.

If I don’t finish the article I’m writing about tourism in a piss-ant region of Bavaria in the next hour I’ll get it in the neck… so anyone who’s up for writing the next bit of Chapter One is welcome to do it!

I reckon it’s back to Susan and Nancy and atlaz’s suggestion of a heart-to-heart girlie chat in a cocktail bar or boutique hotel in Cannes. What they don’t realise yet is that the slugs are about to attack…

Meanwhile, Derek’s ninja senses start to tingle. He doesn’t want to stop loving Ian, but a feeling of imminent danger disrupts his flow. He leaves Ian and makes for the cocktail bar, determined to right the situation.

Takers?

Anyone?

i dunt rite gud 😳

and i can’t use ms paint on this netbook due to a rubbish tracking pad thingy.

i’m waiting for more….

can one of the neighbours be a vampire in training to be a wizard who keeps weirwerewolves as pets?

I used to do lots of proofreading, so I fixed that one for you.

Some right frustrated novelists on here 🙂

Best thread since “Bouncing boobies”!

with material like this there’s no need to feel frustrated molly. not frustrated at all.

DAMMIT CAMO16! WHERE’S THE NEXT SECTION, ITS FRUSTRATING WAITING!

Sipping their manhattans and gazing across the azure Mediterranean from the vantage of their boutique hotel in Cannes, Susan and Nancy held hands and hit the ferrero rocher.

“That was really special,” Nancy murmured. “I had no idea…”

Susan looked up, anxiously. As an artistic orphan, she did ‘anxious’ well.

“Yes,” she admitted, her deep blue eyes sparkling, “but Derek can never know about us, okay? As my childhood sweetheart I couldn’t bear it if I disrupted his single-pointed Ninja focus.”

“Got it, toots,” said Nancy. “Mum’s the word.”

The feeling that suddenly coursed through Susan and Nancy’s body was exhilarating, but unsettling.

“Wh-huh-huh?” trembled Nancy.

“Wh-huh-huh-huh,” shook Susan. When she turned her head, looking for the cause of their distress, her eyes widened.

“What is it, Susan?” Nancy whimpered.

“Don’t look now,” said Susan, “but I believe we’re being attacked by man-eating sexual predator slugs.”

Happy, Phil?

Thanks, Mr. Consequence, your words strengthen my resolve to complete the opus…

First three sections now sent off to commissioning editors at Penguin, Bloomsburg and Hodder & Stourton.

Penguin reply: “thanks for your interesting manuscript. We would love to publish, but please make Derek – your misunderstood ninja hero – a penguin that you only ever see side on.”

Bloomsbury reply: “What, no wizard? Up yours.”

Hodder & Stourton demand more academic references.

I sense that progress is being made.

did you point out that there is indeed a wizard in training next door yet to be introduced?

did you point out that there is indeed a wizard in training next door yet to be introduced?

I’ll tell them.

Bloomsbury were impressed with the killing the one you love by causing them to fill up with fart gas angle, though, so maybe there’s still a deal to be done!

Honestly, I can’t alter the Derek character at this point. He’s way too critical to manuscript in his current form. So I guess Penguin is out…

By way of a sign-off, here’s part four:

Derek was loving Ian, his gay horse, but for some reason he couldn’t keep the mood going. His ninja senses were tingling. ‘Susan, Nancy, man-eating sexually predatory slugs – danger!’ He paused, hesitant.

Ian looked back and swooshed his beautiful silky mane.

“Everything okay back there?” he asked. “I don’t smell, do I?”

“It’s not you, toots,” said Derek. “Sorry buddy but there’s something I gotta do.”

“Laters baby,” said Ian. “Good luck!”

Derek dismounted, ran through the stable block and found himself outside a swanky cocktail bar in Cannes.

“That’s funny,” he observed. “I could have sworn I was in Oxfordshire.”

But his ninja senses overloaded his sense of reason. Without wasting an instant, Derek shimmied up the drainpipe, eased his way through a half-open window and jumped in.

“Ha hah,” he cried. “Gotcha, man-eating sexually predatory slugs.”

“Derek,” swooned Susan. “I knew you’d come.”

“I saw how you redecorated the house,” Derek whispered. “It was… impressive.”

For an instant, their eyes locked and love rekindled. This time, both knew it would last a lifetime.

When Derek broke the gaze he realised that one of his legs was missing.

“Man-eating sexually predatory slugs, dude,” said a man-eating sexually predatory slug. “The warning’s in the name. Your leg tastes nice.”

And with that the man-eating sexually predatory slugs devoured Derek.

“Oh no,” Susan shrieked as the slugs moved in on her. “If only I hadn’t broken Derek’s single-pointed ninja concentration, he’d be alive right now. I am truly a foolish orphan artist woman.”

“You’re telling me, sweet-cheeks,” said a man-eating sexually predatory slug. ‘Now come on – give Daddy some sugar.”

As endings go, it has its plus points.

Cheers all.

End trans

its beautiful… it needs to be in e-book format with ms paint illustrations. i’d buy it and donate some cash to a charity of your choice if you were to be so magical.

I’m not certain the character of Susan is as fully formed as perhaps needed, she needs conflict in her life.

Phil, thanks.

I’m not going to be on this forum much for the foreseeable. It’s that cyclical nihilism thing I guess… so the above effort (!) is basically a swansong.

emsz,

Susan’s just seen her childhood sweetheart eaten by man-eating sexually predatory slugs. The same fate, it seems, awaits her. In my book, that’s conflict in her life.

Job done.

No, with Nancy…You know, conflict… 8)

Oh, I see. Well then, maybe Susan and Nancy will escape from the cocktail bar in Cannes and have time for one last heart-to-heart – which will be brimming with conflict. This is when the cyborg appears, beamed down to the shore from a crashing spaceship carrying burning ostriches. Its path to the girls is blocked by a Muslim fundamentalist swan, a vampire wizard who keeps werewolves as pets and Susan Sarandon. Susan kills the one she loves (Nancy) by causing her to fill up with fart gas.

I sense I’ve lost track of the man-eating sexually predatory slugs here, but perhaps they’ve done their job by eating the emotionally sensitive ninja.

ian the horse realises he truly, madly and deeply loves the man-eating sexually predatory slugs for killing the man who abised him for so long… all the slugs explode with fart gas.

does that help?

Phil, it’s the perfect ending.

… .. .