I think management of expectations is the biggest thing. Sweamrs and I have a number of friends who have also had children (swejnr1 is 7 months). One of our friends had a “dream baby” (slept and was generally content); another of our friends had a colicky baby which was a complete eye opener. As such we went in to the experience generally expecting a bit of a war zone and we found ourselves somewhere between those two extremes. Other friends though have almost expected angels to be singing and have had a big shock when things aren’t going well. To my friends who are expecting I think I’ve been brutally honest but I’d rather they came back to me in 6 months and told me it wasn’t so bad then pretend it’s anything other than a complete grind.

Grandparents (on both sides) can be a real pain as they do seem to have forgotten what it’s like. I can remember by dad turning up after about a month (we’re far enough away that they couldn’t just pop in) and saying something along the lines of “you look exhausted, why don’t you get some sleep” and I just said something very sarcastic and walked out the door.

In my (single) experience the first 3 months are awful; the next 3 months are merely terrible and then things start to improve drastically. At 7 months sweajnr1 smiles at me when I come home from work and does baby chuckles when I pretend to drop him. This is as opposed to the first 3 months when I was terrified of actually dropping him.

OP – a complete bastard would never have bothered to post. You posted because you care, it’s just that you’re overwhelmed by it all at the moment.

ransos on page 4 was spot on – when you’re stressed, put baby down in her cot and walk away. Shut the door, have a brew and come back in 10 minutes. She’ll come to no harm; the person who is more likely to break will be you. That ten minutes is a life saver.

The only advice (which you should ignore!) is don’t take advice from anybody about childcare. Too much conflicting info. Do you’re own thing and you won’t go far wrong.

Good luck, keep us all posted.

Rich.

It will pass. The problem with relatives is that they forget what a lot of work the first few months are – four years in and I’ve almost forgotten too. So they think it’s just a bit of cleaning up and rocking to sleep, they forget the mind-numbing grind of it.

If any of us remembered how much work a new-born is, we’d all have one child…then there’s the women, who have to carry the thing round for 9 months, then spend several hours of agony pushing it out. The hormone changes must cause amnesia.

Hello OP!

Don’t worry about it. All you ever hear from parents is how wonderful being a parent is, nobody ever admits that they aren’t feeling it.

I know my partner didn’t feel any bond with her daughter for quite a while when she was first born but they are fine now.

I also have no time for kids until they can communicate properly

There is something you can do that your wife can’t, you don’t smell of breast milk (or shouldn’t!!) at this stage. If your daughter isn’t hungry then having the milk bar turn up and begin to flow when she cries can be draining for both of them. At this point a manly shoulder can be brought into play for the youngster and you can settle her.

Best. Job. Ever.

^^ till she barfs white puky milk over your shoulder and down your back!

well done, OP… i’m surprised at how reasoned the responses have been (although there are at least two exceptions that i can think of).

not got kids and that’s partly down to my fear of losing my independence and my #1 place in my list of people i prioritise the most (i’m very selfish with my time). however all the GFs mates who have kids seem to think i would be a great dad. :/

Well, you’ve lost a lot of freedom and pretty much gained an unpaid job, in fact you have to pay for the privilege. A lot! Your relationship with the wife will become more workmanlike and less intimate. You also have to start thinking about various risk taking and weighing up your responsibility with the trade off of living vicariously through your child hastening your own slow march to death.

Other than that having kids is great.

Father of three here!
IME babies=brilliant children=shits
changed me for the better, couldn’t imagine life without them or not being able to have children. Talk to your wife.
DONT GOT TO WORK EARLY EVER!! 😆

Ours (x2) didn’t interest me until they were about 6 months old, and started responding to me. I don’t like babies (mrs. used to show me photos of people’s babies, and I’d get a bollocking for saying – “yeah, it’s a baby – they all look the same, so what?”) I don’t like puppies either (but I wouldn’t kick one).

Ours both had their issues, and the first few months were just hell – me & the mrs effectively worked opposite shifts: She looked after during the day, and maybe got an hours kip on the sofa mid morning. I got in from (usually) a sh1t day at work and got to take over immediately while mrs went to bed. Did the bathing & getting them ready for bed & as soon as I could, made food for me & mrs. She woke up, ate, fed the baby (draught) & went back to bed while I wrangled the kid & tried to get them to sleep. I have never felt so low as when you think they’ve gone to sleep, only for them to start wailing as you creep away. I’d get to bed about 1am, and mrs would be awake with them from then. Back to work at 7am next day. Repeat.

After weeks of that, normal rules of civilised society go out of the window.

Someone posted about getting some ‘quality time’ with your mrs. (to be fair, they said that they hadn’t been through this). Highly unlikely to happen – for a few months, at least.

People talk about it ‘changing your life’ and, of course, it does, but at the time I couldn’t see that – I still had the same life, just that it had turned into some sort of sleep-deprived psychological torture.

One day drifts into the next, weeks pass, and you eventually start to get small victories – baby sleeping through the 3am feed is like winning 4 or 5 olympic gold medals.

For me, the tide had turned when they were about 6 months old. They start interacting in a meaningful way, and develop their own characters, and become adorable. Then they get cute (so you feel like having another one), then they get clumsy, then they get stroppy, then they turn into ace little people, then they get stroppy again, then they turn into real people, then they leave home! 🙁 (And you feel guilty for hoping that they have to resit their A levels, just so they’re around for another year).

Like someone said above – you and your mrs are in the trenches now, so you need to support each other and get the job done. Heads down and plug away. Relatives (particularly female) can be a real PITA, especially the ones without kids who have an idealised view on the whole thing. Find your own way of doing things, and above all, find some sort of routine. One day you will look back on this and laugh.

Talk to your mrs, but the whole thing of not liking small babies is a bit of a taboo, so be careful of being honest with people in general – especially the inlaws! (You already know the expected platitudes 😉 )

Kudos for posting. Stick with it. Let us know how you feel in March.

Oops, sorry I appear to have found myself on mumsnet by mistake 😉

^^ till she barfs white puky milk over your shoulder and down your back!

ahh, I’d forgotten that little scenario! Top tip – always toss a muslin square over your shoulder before the baby.

Top tip – always toss a muslin square over your shoulder before the baby.

Topper tip – baby shouldn’t be tossed over your shoulder.

To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.

That was the same with my niece. Screamed blue murder until she was with her mum, which was particularly upsetting for dad, grandma, aunties, anyone who wanted a cuddle. The cure was mum carrying a cloth on her person, holding niece in the cloth whilst feeding her, and the cloth was transferred with niece to whoever wanted a hold. The difference in temperament was staggering.

As for my own experience, whilst there was never a question of bonding with the little guy, the first 5 months of mini Ox’s life were the most stressful of my life. Sounds similar to your situation; screaming seemed to be the only method of communication, be it hunger, tiredness, wet nappy or whatever. The cure for us came one day when the wife was getting ready for a night out. Mini Ox was screaming right until the second the missus switched her hairdryer on, and then silence. We initially thought it was a shock reflex and the crying would resume, but no. Dunno if it was the white noise, the air movement on his face, or what, but the hairdryer stopped him dead in his tracks whenever it was on. We probably hairdryered him to sleep more often than not after that. I’ve told a new dad workmate about the hairdryer, and he confirms its efficacy.

my one giggled at me for the first time the other day – it was ace.

I posted a so called joke that really wasn’t funny. My head was in a bad place and didn’t realise how much in bad taste it was.
OP, I apologise for being a cock and hope you didn’t take it the wrong way. No harm was meant.

When anagallis was born this huge wave of love I was supposed to feel didnt arrived. I was confused, tired and emotional. After about three or four months I suddenly realised I would happily jump under a bus for this kid. Let the dust settle, they dont do much for the first few months anyway.

It will be amazing. Honest. My second is nine weeks old, and last week she smiled at me for the first time. I was worried prior to her being born that I wouldn’t feel the same love for her as I do for her big sister. I’ve realised that it isn’t a question of sharing the love you have; more that you simply increase your capacity to do so.

OP I was the same. I think it was almost resentment (?) Loss of old life/sleep/didnt feel part of it?

It goes. Minesjust turned 4 and he doesnt stop making me laugh at his attempts to shock me 😀

Mine and mrsh’ became distant/fought too much too. At first though I thought I’d had a loss of feeling – like a robot towards him.

3 kids in and for the most recent one who is now 18months I had a really hard time which led to issues with the missus too as she was getting worked up with my different character from the first two.

She was born unfortunately for me at a bad time (although not when we planned it, I just had the opportunity for a different career and couldn’t turn it down as it would make all our lives better) and I litterally watched her pop out kissed the missus and went to work so absorbed in what I had to get done over the next 12months that I gave her no real thought which looking back does upset me somewhat, but I have the rest of her life to make up for it.

Do I think your a bastard or whatever? Well if you’d have posted this when I had just had the first or second then probably, but having gone through the above then not in the slightest. I’ll echo what others have said, babies are pretty crap at first and it’s in no way helped by the constant care you need to give, but when they begin developing they are ace.

Hope you get to a happy place, it’s so worth it.

Feel for you OP, there was a fair amount of danger surrounding my sons birth… When I finally got to hold him, it was love at first sight.

Hard for me to imagine your position, hope it sorts itself out.

Judging by the previous 6 pages of replies the OP is very normal.
It is very hard when a small baby is screaming and won’t calm down , I’ve also left the house at 4am on a few occassions when there was no chance of sleep and I had to be at work the next day.
It’s instinct that the baby will settle quicker with it’s mammy , don’t be offended . Things will get better , honest.

I think you did the right thing by going out to work. It wasn’t the right thing for your wife but you realised you might do something stupid and walked away before you did, then sought advice. Ok it wasn’t great leaving the wife alone but I reckon if your relationship is good she will understand.

That’s the difference between good dads and the nasty vile creatures you hear about in the news. You already care enough to protect your daughter and give her back to your wife while you sort yourself out. That’s a low point to start from but it’s a start.

I don’t have any kids myself but have helped out some close friends in some pretty dire circumstances with new born babies. One was in hospital for the first few months of his life and still has to go back regularly. I saw the effect of the trauma on the dad, who I knew was a good dad as they already had a daughter, but was in bits a lot of the time but hid it very well. Thankfully close friends saw this and helped out looking after the daughter so he could get to hospital easily, giving lifts and taking him out for a couple of hours to get away from it a bit. The mum was also supported a lot.

You might have to get the support from an Internet forum like this – but that’s ok if it works – you’re not alone and things will improve, it just might not feel like it ever will at the moment.

Hi jonm81

Hope everything’s getting a little better for you. It can be tough being a dad but don’t add to that by being too harsh on yourself on top.

I’ve been trying to find time to add a little to the thread but been a bit busy with my 2 kids, “babies” really at 8 weeks and 21 months, to sit down and post what I want to say.

[Firstly, just a possible practical point. our 8 week struggles to settle, after feeds, and gets bad trapped wind. Mentioned to doctor who thinks it’s “reflux” (like baby heartburn) and prescribed (free) baby gaviscon. Only had it a day but it worked better last night. might be worth investigating?]

Anyway, loads of good advice above but a couple of things I think are brilliant:
First, rusty i think but lost the post so apologies if wrong, about taking 5 minutes out to have a brew and catch yourself and relax.
There will be times ahead when this will save the situation for you. When it gets at it’s toughest , you need to be at your calmest. They take so many cues from you that if you’re stressed you can pass it on. It’s so worth trying to relax and breathe. Count to ten. Do your best to slow your breathing, you’ll slow your heartbeat too and you’ll slow your babies at the same time when you cuddle her. Panic is infectious, but it works the other way too. Relax and you’ll help her relax.

The other was frank:

One of the crappy things about becoming a dad is that suddenly you become almost insignificant. All of the attention is to you wife and child. It sounds selfish to even mention it but it is a real issue.
we have three kids and I do not recall ever being asked by a midwife, health visitor, GP, friend or relative how I was.
We are all human and even Dads have feelings.

You need to look after yourself. Everyman and his dog is looking out for your wife and baby. You are the only one that looks after you. There’s a bit of talk in the thread above about depression. Be aware it can be a prob for new dads, but IMO (non medical so with a pinch of salt), you’re not depressed. IMO you’re suffering stress from lack of sleep and loads of pressure, some self inflicted, to do too much for your family.

From what I understand – you’re working during the day , then in the evening doing all the housework, all the cleaning, all the cooking, and then half the nights (alternate) up with the baby. That’s too much and in trying to achieve the impossible, something’s bound to give. At the moment that pressure’s manifesting as stress in the wee hours when you’re most tired and the screaming’s loudest. If you’re not careful it’ll pop up in other places, maybe work, maybe relationship.
You need to let go of some of the chores, catch up on some sleep in the evenings, make life a bit easier for yourself.
Apologies if I’m speaking out of turn, and I accept I could be getting this wrong and not understanding your situation – I’m guessing your wife’s on mat leave, and I missed the age of your baby, but for every hour that you’re up at night with a screaming kid – there’s a very good chance that that baby is catching up on their sleep through a daytime nap. And if it’s you that’s been up at night, then there’s time in the day for your wife to catch up with some of those outstanding chores. Leave them. If they don’t get done, no worries. Have takeaway if needed. (The Big Exception being sterilizing bottles. Always do this when you can. you don’t want either of you to get to the point of baby telling you she’s hungry and finding the bottle needs doing.)

So, my point is look after yourself so that you can relax a little more. Don’t try to do too much. Catching up on some sleep is more important than getting all the chores done (except bottle cleaning 😉 ).
The baby stuff gets easier, especially if you can relax a bit more, both in general and at the times when it’s all unsettled and screamy.

Dunno if it was the white noise, the air movement on his face, or what, but the hairdryer stopped him dead in his tracks whenever it was on.

I never tried a hairdryer, but I found just gently blowing on her face when she was crying would often sort-of press the reset switch. Only worked for tired crying of course, but she’d get very tired, start crying, that’d make her more tired, so cry more, etc. Gently blowing on her face would snap her out of it, a few snuffles and she’d go to sleep.

I posted a so called joke that really wasn’t funny. My head was in a bad place and didn’t realise how much in bad taste it was.
OP, I apologise for being a cock and hope you didn’t take it the wrong way. No harm was meant.

No worries iolo, I guessed you were aiming for humour. I don’t take offence at what people say on the internet – after all it is only the internet.

Ioum – you have got it spot on I think. I am trying to cover all bases at home and in the middle of changing careers and got to the stage where it failed catastrophically.

Thanks all for the comments (isn’t the internet great for anonymous hand holding). I have talked to my wife and she has seen that things weren’t great but has been reassuring that the feelings towards our child will come in time which seems to be the general consensus on here too. Over the weekend I am going to take a few hours to do some things I enjoy to try and reset. Who knows I might even ride my bike!

Over the weekend I am going to take a few hours to do some things I enjoy to try and reset

What a good plan ! Your going to be alright fella, its nature innit 🙂

Gently blowing on her face would snap her out of it, a few snuffles and she’d go to sleep.

Lol.. with our second she’d stop crying for a moment and give you a look that said ‘Wtf are you doing, can’t you see I’m CRYING here?!’ and carry on.

Here I am terribly upset with this terrible thing, and all you’re doing is blowing in my face? What the hell is wrong with you? No-one understands me! You aren’t even listening, IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN CARE! WAAAAH!

Said this a thousand times. You need time out/weekend away or even a night out once a week together. It feels ‘wrong’ to the mother initially but you really need it.

hora – Member
Said this a thousand times. You need time out/weekend away or even a night out once a week together. It feels ‘wrong’ to the mother initially but you really need it.

I think you mean you really need it. There’s no one-size-fits-all routine.

To the OP – I sympathise. Give it time and it’ll come. I was very reticent about the whole fatherhood thing but a combination of my wife not being able to breast-feed and her taking some time to recuperate after labour left me, err, holding the baby for a while. As a result, I think my daughter and I “bonded” earlier and stronger than might otherwise have happened and that strength of tie has continued to this day (she’s now 18).

Lol.. with our second she’d stop crying for a moment and give you a look that said ‘Wtf are you doing, can’t you see I’m CRYING here?!’ and carry on.

😀

Yes, definitely – it only worked on the late night tired crying, other crying she would just give the most withering look and carry on.

Said this a thousand times. You need time out/weekend away or even a night out once a week together. It feels ‘wrong’ to the mother initially but you really need it.

Blimey I’m in agrement with Hora 🙂 Definitely important to take a bit of time out and spend some time doing something for yourself (goes for you and the missus.) Might not seem like it right now but with one baby that is pretty easy to manage!

Mine and mrsh’ became distant/fought too much too. At first though I thought I’d had a loss of feeling – like a robot towards him.

Blimey, has at times been the same for us too. Just silly bickering due to tiredness mostly when we never use to argue before. Does pass. Though we found about 6 to 18 months the hardest period, the relentless routine and lack of sleep (teething, colds, etc.) really grinds you down. Gets so much better when they are talking and walking 8)

Edit…

I think you mean you really need it. There’s no one-size-fits-all routine.

I found it really great when mrs blobby went off to do her own thing, spending time alone with your baby really helps the bonding thing. Initially there really is just mummy and not mummy, and you are not mummy! Takes a while.

Who knows I might even ride my bike!

thats a good idea Jonm81…if you get some time to yourself you should do that if only to clear your head and give yourself a bit of “me time”…but dont forget that your wife could also do with something like this too…

if it makes you feel any better my day went like this yesterday…
5.30am wake up get myself sorted
6.30am get gonzy 3 washed and changed and then hand back to his mum for a feed
7am get gonzy 2 washed and dressed, gonzy 1 wakes up and can sort himself out now
7.30am get breakfast ready for everyone, feed gonzy 2 and give gonzy 1 his breakfast, eat my own breakfast and get ready to leave the house, wifey has breakfast after she’s done the school run
8am leave the house and ride to work
8.30am arrive at work, get showered and changed and at my desk for 9am
5pm leave for home
5.30pm get home, put bike and kit away and have quick shower, then a quick snack
6pm various jobs such as sorting the laundry out, tidying the house, making supper
7.30pm feed gonzy 1 and 2 then get them showered, changed and ready for bed
8pm give gonzy 3 his bath and get hm ready for bed
8.30pm gonzy 1 goes to bed and wife takes gonzy 2 to bed and i get gonzy 3 all to myself
9.30pm gonzy 2 will be asleep and i can then go and give gonzy 3 to his mum for a feed after i have changed him etc
10pm get my work clothes and lunch made for the following day
10.30pm do more general housework such as the washing up and tidying up
11pm sit down to watch a bit of tv and try and unwind….by this time the wife has come down to spend some time with me or is fast asleep
11.30pm – 12am go to bed, by this time gonzy 3 has woken for a feed so she will feed him and i will be on nappy duty

last night was hard as the wife had taken gonzy 2 to bed at 8.30 but gonzy 3 decided to have one of his off nights so he was constantly restless and crying…i couldnt give him to the wife because she was putting gonzy 2 to sleep, and gonzy 3 being there would have made things worse…i could have swapped places with the wife but gonzy 2 always takes advantage with me and will play up if i try to put her to sleep so i was stuck with gonzy 3 until 11pm when he finally settled and i could go and hand him over to mum. i had loads of other jobs to do last night and didnt crawl into bed until 1.30am…only to be up again at 5.30am…
last night was a bad day…on a night when i had to do all the tasks too…most nights we share the jobs between us….but most nights go without a hitch and we get it sorted and get everything done early enough to be able to unwind and spend some time together while the kids are asleep…

it will get better, especially once everything gets into a routine

you both need to manage everything so that it gives you a little time to yourself (both for you and your wife), time to you both as a couple and time for the 3 of you as a family…

dont be so hard on yourself….last night i felt like you did the other night when the little one was screaming for 2.5 hours constantly…these things happen…but when you get to that stage when they are responding to you and giggling away you’ll realise it was all worth it and you wouldnt want anything to change it

gonzy… 3 kids… why?! 😉

Struggled a bit with no 2. Sit tight, it’ll come.

last night was bloody awful again. we’ve switched to hungry baby milk to try and give us more than 40 minutes sleep between feeds.

If you think about it, I think it’s perfectly normal to loathe the things. 👿

Don’t worry, it takes a long time until they give you something back emotionally. Your love will grow. The period you’re in is the hardest. Your parents did this for you, now the cycle repeats. Good luck!

I’ve have on a few occasions asked friends with new borns if they remember life before the birth. I tend to ask around the question at around the six to eight week mark, at this point they tend to look at you with a somewhat confused look.
What I’m trying clumsily to say is that within six to eight weeks your child will be your life.(IMHO)

A crying baby is not too young to learn by example. When my boys wouldn’t go to sleep I would lie on my side, cuddle them quite snugly (alright, restrain them) and show them how falling asleep should be done. 5 minutes grizzling and fighting, which they’d have done anyway, and they were knackered and asleep. Like me. Everyone’s a winner.

gonzy… 3 kids… why?!

we’re glutton for punishment, that’s why!! 😆

if you think thats bad…the wife’s older sister is in hospital right now getting ready to give birth by caesarean to child number 4. her eldest turned 15 yesterday with the other 2 being 11 and nearly 7.
now thats madness!!
what makes things worse is that they recently bought brand new range rover that they’re now going to have to put up for sale!!

Another 3 bagger here – 5 1/2, 4 and 7 months. I’ve aged considerably in the last 5 years 😉

OP – sounds like things have calmed down a bit, hope that continues. It’s definitely good to do a bit of something for yourself, it really helps to keep a bit of normality. Make sure you give your wife some time to do the same, let her get away for an hour or just take the baby for a long walk to give her a bit of quiet time.

Good luck!

PS – it must get better or I[/u] wouldn’t have done it 3 times 🙂