One of the crappy things about becoming a dad is that suddenly you become almost insignificant. All of the attention is to you wife and child. It sounds selfish to even mention it but it is a real issue.

we have three kids and I do not recall ever being asked by a midwife, health visitor, GP, friend or relative how I was.

We are all human and even Dads have feelings.

Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.

100% perfectly normal and happening right now in houses all over the world.

Totally normal OP.

I have three daughters and most definitely am not a “baby person”. Mostly just relieved that they where out OK and mother and kids healthy but aside from that feelings where quite middle of the road. However, my kids have been the best thing in my life for the past 20 odd years, for me it just got better and better as they grew and become little, middle sized and then grown up people. A lot of it isn’t easy but I can say being the father of the bride last year for my first was a quite extra-ordinarily positive experience, I can’t wait for the other two.

Having a baby might be like a winter ride in the wind and rain, kind of enjoyable but better things are to come, like the Spring and Summer !

I can’t add anything that hasn’t already been said, but will just add another “+1” on the early feelings of ambivalence. Mine was born in January and it’s only really now, nine months later, that it’s changing. The smile when they recognise you and are pleased to see you. That’s what does it.

I’ve not got any kids. But the last 5 social events in the past few weeks have had babies, toddlers and young kids attending. I’m 26 with zero interest in having any of my own.

I’ve found that before 6months, I’ve got zero interest. 6-12months, mild interest from me for 5-10 minutes. Over a year old and able to interact, heaps of fun and I enjoy their company.

What i got from it is that it could be very tough to be a father of a newborn/young baby. I’d want to help and feel part of it, but depending on the circumstances (e.g. diet restrictions) it can be difficult. From chatting with the various fathers, they all said the situation becomes easier with time. Whether that’s down to attrition, personal growth or sleep deprivation, i’ve no idea!

Best of luck OP.

OP,
You’re feelings are fine.
You’re probably not the father if you’re not bonding.

I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.

better that than something you regret for a very very long time.

iolo – Member
OP,
You’re feelings are fine.
You’re probably not the father if you’re not bonding.

WTF? Kick a man whilst he’s down why don’t you…

If it was humour, it didn’t come across…

molgrips – Member

That’s not what he said though. Keep doing the things you like, that’s fine, but don’t ignore the issue entirely. Otherwise, if you’re out riding or down the pub all the time, your partner has to do ALL the baby looking after work. And that’s not fair. I think that’s what he’s talking about.

That’s exactly what I was trying to get across. I thought I had but maybe it got lost in my poor sentence structure. I’m not aiming that at the OP by the way, just a few odd balls who frequent some pubs I now get to go to as my kids are self sufficient at last

I haven’t read all that, but the first five months of my sons life it all just felt like a chore, I felt responsible, but not really love. He is almost four now and I don’t feel I could love him any more. He has a brother or sister on the way now and I do worry the begining will be like last time.

Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. It felt like she was just shouting “I know what you think, **** off, I hate you!” I know I shouldn’t have left but I was at the stage of screaming back at her “WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT FROM ME!”. To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.

Mate, I remember my two screaming like Devils at the beginning no matter what I did! I got tired at one point that I fell asleep standing up on the bus. 🙂 this early period is tough, they want the thing that carried them for 9 months over anything else and that’s just how it is. But it is just a period and it does change and it will settle down.

To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife

Totally normal. Still happens to me sometimes with my 18mth old girl.

I’m sure you feel different in a few months…you can’t beat a koala cuddle from your baby.

Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs.

They all do that! If you’re reaching the end of your tether, nothing bad is going to happen if you leave her for 5 minutes and go and make a brew. I know it’s difficult but try to stay calm.

Oh and well done for supporting your wife so much around the house. She may not have thanked you but she will be appreciating it.

You mention you take alternate night doing things….can’t you do some of this together (or alternate activities through the night)…that way baby still knows mums around.

No kids here, but hats off to all of you who go through this.

I hear you loud and clear I have three daughters I fully understand newborns are demanding and turn your world upside down you need to find some structure within that for time for you and your wife,it’s never easy people hardly ever talk about the times when your at the end of your tether …but it doesn’t last forever things change life changes you change it will get better not much help just now but it will pass stay strong …and try and get some kip

Part of the issue, I think, is that I wasn’t convinced on having children

Why was that? Not the right time? Not the right woman? Just don’t like babies/children?
It might help to answer those questions honestly to see if there is a root cause to your resentment.

Babies are a massive stress for sure, we have 2 young daughters, but I can’t say I felt like you do when our first was born. I certainly had moments where I wanted some space for myself (still do 5 years on) but I certainly did love both our daughters from the very start. I wasn’t convinced at all about having a second child, but still loved her when she arrived.

I guess we are all different and react in different ways to massive change – which babies certainly are!

It’s funny OP but you’ll find you as a parent are different things to your kid,

Me, I’m the fun, happy, cycle, football, guy, who spoils him a bit too much and lets him get away with stuff.

The wife is the homework, making things, reading and watching Strictly with him….

Sometimes I’m his world… sometimes his mum is… When he’s poorly, I barely exist… but then there’s times where she shouts at me as he won’t leave my side…

It’s weird how they work

If it helps, I started riding when MCJnr was born. Kept driving to work and having no recollection of the journey due to tbe tiredness. Dug tbe old bike out the shed figuring I’d do less damage on a bike if I fell sleep on tbe journey in.

11 years, one more kid, 7 complete bikes, 2 frames later, it’s turned out ok all round I think!

I was reasonably ambivalent about the whole fatherhood thing till cranbrat popped/was pulled out and then bonded instantly , possibly due to the fact I had to look after him for the first 15 mins or so while other issues were resolved.
A female colleague had no interest in her daughter for two weeks after birth .
First children represent a massive change in your life and are “relentless” a whole range of responses are normal including yours.
I am prepared to bet that over time your feelings will change especially as your child develops and starts to respond.
Very brave post by the way, congratulations and good luck.

I get the feeling the OP is a good person, because they addressed this issue. I have two girls, and I would presume the natural bond will come in time. I dont necessarily thinkit can be rushed or forced, a bit like trying to hard to get to sleep, when you know you are tired but just cant drop off. You cant force it, nature will tell you when the time is.
I really dont think the emotions he is going through are that unusual, I bet many felt like this, its total emotional turmoil, whos to say everyone gets affected the same way. As been said so many times, babies are demanding, exhausting and arent in a position to repay any of this effort with anything other than more demands, and despite this they actually have little individuality or personality to become attached to. As soon as they have (and it wont be long) some sort of uniqueness and identity then you’ll be as besotted as anyone else. I felt a tiny bit of the indifference at the beginning with number 2, but it clicked in me very quickly and seems irrelevent now due to the amount of love, tears and laughs we have all shared. Dont force it and beat yourself up, rely on nature to take its course, But DO try and support your wife. You may think the damage you are doing is between the bond you have with your daughter, but consider the bond between you and your wife. Good luck, I’m sure you’ll be fine

Personally i could not believe how I felt when I held my child in my arms for the first time it blew me away.I remember apologising to my mum when i next saw her I just did not realise

IME the first 12 – 18 months are hard as there is little to see in terms of personality or person you are just keeping it alive. Its better once you start seeing “them”.

I think most of us struggled to adapt to it all tbh. Its bloody hardwork and not fantastically rewarding in the early days,

Chin up it will change

iolo – Member
OP,
You’re feelings are fine.
You’re probably not the father if you’re not bonding.

What a bastard thing to say!

You’re either way ahead of yourself or you might be experiencing PND. Yes it does happen to blokes as well. Either way, I don’t think you’re alone.
The single biggest understatement in the entire Cosmos is: “your life changes when you have kids”.
It’s impossible to fully encapsulate the extent of this. Our sprogs are 7 and 4, and we’re only now beginning to get some semblance of our previous life back. Having said that, you still can’t have a pooh in our house without being disturbed or interrupted.
My advice would be to stick with it and keep talking to your missus. It’s going to get harder but stinky pants needs your help 24/7…..and so does the baby 🙂

good luck

You need to be more resilient.

Its the same for us all, its just a screaming bag of skin than needs to eat, sleep and *** for a few months.

We had 2 premature ones, my life was a cycle of supporting my wife with all the washing and cooking whilst she looked after the babies.

They will be engaging in a few months for now you just need to step up..

First one was completely unconditional love, even though she was very difficult for the 1st 2 weeks or so. It took longer to get there with number 2. Further down the line now, and I couldn’t imagine anything less than equal, unconditional love for both of the little blighters!

It’s hard at first. Real hard. It’s not a golden rule, just my experinece, but the 1st 6 weeks were toughest. You learn, you get into routines, they become your life. It’s turmoil at first. As the advert says, they don’t come with a manual, you don’t need a qualification. They arrive, they consume you totally. You don’t get time to think!

It is difficult at times when the little ones are crying, not settling, not eating. They can’t tell you why. You just take care of them. I remember walking number 1 around the streets, she was screaming when we left, she screamed all the way around, and was screaming when we got back. Easier to love them maybe when they are sound asleep, all babies are angels when they are asleep..!

For me, there is nothing finer in the world than lying on a sofa and having one of my babies asleep on my chest. Perfect. Just perfect. The best feeling in the world. Or a hug. Or for them to tell you that they love you.

But, hopefully, any difficult times are a blip in their and your lives. You will forget the bad stuff and only remember the good. Natures of way of getting you to have another…!

iolo – Member
OP,
You’re feelings are fine.
You’re probably not the father if you’re not bonding.

What a bastard thing to say!

Jesus iolo. You posted about your own issues the other day so should we assume that comment is a product of your condition rather than a natural instinct to kick a man when he;s down?

Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. It felt like she was just shouting “I know what you think, **** off, I hate you!” I know I shouldn’t have left but I was at the stage of screaming back at her “WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT FROM ME!”.

Our daughter arrive on the 3rd October, you must be pretty much at the same stage as us. I too had to sit alone with ‘it’ in a blood covered room as the Mrs got wheeled in for surgery.

Last night was that EXACT scenario, but, on top of that a 3 year old wet his bed and was repeatedly woken up by the baby crying.

I totally, sympathise, more than that, I’ve been there, I sat in the car in the middle of the night but did turn around and go back in.

Have you ever been through a relationship breakup? You know that really low point when the world seems like it’s pointless? It’s like that, you now have the experience to know that the worst will pass. It WILL get better, we promise. 🙂

yep, sort of felt like that for the first few weeks with no2.

My wife had a really traumatic delivery – both mother and child nearly died (google ‘ruptured uterus during delivery for more details)
this really messed with my head, and I think I was blaming the baby for almost taking my wife away.

4 years down the line and her + her older sister mean everything to me.
You’ll get there – but talk to the wife, and maybe a councillor.

If I ever have a kid I’ll be bearing in mind the words of advice a pal (who REALLY didn’t want a kid) took from his pal (father of two, immensely stern and unemotional type) who said “for the first 6 months you’re in the trenches. You feed them, change them, do everything for them with nil response. Then one day they’ll smile at you and its all worth it “.

Seem to remember arguing all the time with mrs mogrim when number 1 was born: the lack of sleep, and the simple fact that newborns are crap.

Ugly, demanding, noisy, smelly, and couldn’t care less about the hell you’re going through. They do get better though, and the feeling of helplessness will wear off. I don’t think I started to feel much for my daughter until she started smiling, before that I’d quite cheerfully have sent it back for a refund 🙂

And OP – you seem to already be aware of this but it sounds from your post that it’s other people’s expectations that are your main problem – rather than the experience itself.

Don’t be afraid to tell the in-laws or whoever to back off if you feel they’re crowding the three of you.

You can smooth things over later if it causes any fuss.

Relax. She’ll be off to uni before you know it. 🙂

“for the first 6 months you’re in the trenches. You feed them, change them, do everything for them with nil response. Then one day they’ll smile at you and its all worth it “.

wow…that’s pretty much spot on

And OP – you seem to already be aware of this but it sounds from your post that it’s other people’s expectations that are your main problem – rather than the experience itself.

Don’t be afraid to tell the in-laws or whoever to back off if you feel they’re crowding the three of you.

You can smooth things over later if it causes any fuss.

+1 if they are getting too involved then they need to back off and give the 3 of you some space…after our first one was born we went through the same from both mine and her side of the family…

From the first moment my son arrived I was very attached to him – Mum did most the boring stuff though. He certainly looked like me – had my hair(y shoulders) anyway.

I got to page 2, nodding with agreement and empathy at many of the comments.

This is a huge generalisation but I genuinely believe there is some truth in it:

Women want kids so they can be a mother. Men wants kids so they can be a child again

I felt pretty useless when our 3rd was born but everything changed when he went on the bottle. I then felt like I could truly share the responsibility and – for one reason or another – it was actually less stressful for the entire household.

If you want a practical tip to help with bonding and accepting the situation, strap her into a papoose on your chest and take a stroll with her…on your own. Babies love fresh air and peace too and this gives you an opportunity to enjoy her company without the other paraphernalia of life getting in the way.

Do talk to your wife and do try and arrange time away from being a parent…for both of you. This is hugely important.

I’ve not read through all of this, but as father of 3 I didn’t ‘bond’ with any of them for a few months – felt like I was the baby-sitter until Mum could have them back. Now though, I’ve given up work and look after them pretty much full time. Miss them loads when I go away. like many others I suspect, they’re at their most adorable when asleep…….

Concentrate on looking after Mum for now.

iolo – Member
OP

You’re probably not the father if you’re not bonding.

That’s either a very poor joke or one of the most vile, spiteful things I’ve ever read on here. Like the OP doesn’t have enough on his plate.

At the riskof going over the same ground: We have a 2,5 year old toddler and a 3 week old baby girl and the main thing that keeps me going when she needs changing at 3AM is that I know that soon enough we’ll be seeing the personality shine through and from there on it just gets better and better.

The wee man is more fun now than I ever thought he’d be makes me laugh harder and more often than anyone or anything ever has.

Very brave of you to post on here and (with a few exceptions) I feel the response from STW (AKA Dadsnet) has been exemplary. You’re not alone, you’re not weird, keep talking to your missus, don’t be afraid to ask for help and hang on, it gets so… much… better.

Men wants kids so they can be a child again

Yes, kids are essential if you want to be able to go on the soft play without getting a police record 🙂

It will pass. The problem with relatives is that they forget what a lot of work the first few months are – four years in and I’ve almost forgotten too. So they think it’s just a bit of cleaning up and rocking to sleep, they forget the mind-numbing grind of it.

But it will end, and sooner than you think.

1. No
2. No – possibly a bit selfish in that it’s not just about you…but you’re just human…

+1 for above “…and this too will pass…”