Viewing 40 posts - 81 through 120 (of 247 total)
  • I feel nothing towards my baby
  • innit_gareth
    Free Member

    I was a bit gutted when my daughter came out and she couldn’t walk or talk. Then after a month or so she stated smiling so I forgave her.

    dazh
    Full Member

    You need to accept that your old life is over.

    Not sure I agree with that. Obviously it’s changed, but it’s never over. You just have to try harder to do the things you did before the sprogs appeared. In fact in some respects I think it’s more important than ever to continue to do the things you did pre-kids as otherwise you can end up resenting them which will result in no end of trouble.

    OP, this sounds flippant, but get out on the bike and don’t feel guilty about it, or go have a few pints with some mates. The normality of life previous to the baby, however fleeting, might make you feel a bit better.

    joolsburger
    Free Member

    Hopefully this is all helping out in some way OP. I think the upshot is do all the housework but in a manly way, support the missus but don’t be cloying, man up but don’t be too macho, take responsibility but don’t cut out your partner, look after the baby as required but don’t hog the limelight, talk and communicate but don’t talk too much, be selfless but strong,
    and a partridge in a pear tree.

    – Welcome to fatherhood you poor bastard! You’ll do ok, you seem to want to get it right and that’s enough I reckon.

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    wrightyson
    Free Member

    Well done STW. 3 pages of advice in just over an hour.

    bikemike1968
    Free Member

    Not much to add that hasn’t already been said.
    The first few months are tough for a dad, you give, give, give and all you get is shit, vomit and screaming in return.
    It does get better, once they can move they are great fun but newborns still do nothing for me.
    My way of dealing with it was to go to work – I worked shit-loads of overtime in the first year. This actually really helped my wife, as the extra money took the pressure off her to go back to work. My little lad never got palmed off on all and sundry as a result and settled really well at home.
    He’s now officially awesome!
    Stick with it.

    vintagewino
    Free Member

    haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if going over old ground, but yes I felt similar, not exactly the same, but similar. You are made to feel guilty if you don’t feel the love bombs going off immediately, but don’t sweat it, it will come in time.

    aphex_2k
    Free Member

    No, you read it as a token gesture. Big difference.

    House work is “little things” and when you start seeing things like running the hoover round and putting the washing on/out as a big thing then it turns into a big thing.

    Cups of tea, fluffy cushions (:p) run the bath, wearing the sling and carrying bub round for an hour while she chills…

    Those times when you can lie on the sofa and the bub is lying on your chest are great bonding moments. Especially when they sleep on you.

    First child, he will click eventually and things will sort themselves.

    RaveyDavey
    Free Member

    @dazh I didn’t say his life was over but his old life is or should be. Family should now come first and yes you still have your own little life but it has to fit in. I’ve no time at all for selfish fathers who want to carry on as if nothing has happened.

    joolsburger
    Free Member

    Oh yeah Gina Ford – Her techniques saved us so much hassle and got us sleeping again.

    MrsToast
    Free Member

    OP, if my friends’ experiences are anything to go by, your feelings are common. When my best friend gave birth, she didn’t really feel anything for her daughter for six months. She went through the motions, took good care of her, but was terrified that she didn’t feel a massive bond straight away. She thought something was wrong with her. Then suddenly – click. A chap at work was similar, it wasn’t until several months later that he started to ‘feel like a dad’.

    It’s not universal though – I know both fathers and mothers who have been blissfully happy from the second they popped out a sprog. I don’t know how much ‘detachment’ is caused by depression, or the shock of the change, or being a bit ambivalent about wanting kids in the first place.

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    Well done STW. 3 pages of advice in just over an hour.

    No way the poor bugger has time to read all that. Not when there’s cushions that need fluffing. 🙂

    bencooper
    Free Member

    Haven’t read three pages, but:

    I think part of the problem for blokes is that we’re not so prepared – we can watch the other half getting larger and larger, but that’s different to actually feeling the thing growing inside you. So mothers are sort-of ready for this living thing to appear, fathers are suddenly handed this small useless baby and told “here, this will be your life from now on”.

    It was certainly a shock for me. Even leaving the hospital after a few days was still a surprise – they’re actually letting us leave the building and we’ll be totally responsible.

    Men have another disadvantage – we don’t have breasts. We’ll always have to hand the thing over to the mother for feeding and comforting, which does definitely make you feel like a spare part.

    So no, it’s not unusual to not bond with the thing right away. Oh, and we still call ours “the thing” quite often, and she’s four 😉

    Whether you’re a total bastard or not doesn’t depend on how you interact with the baby – it depends on how you interact with your wife. She’s probably feeling at least as emotionally affected as you are (probably more so) and also has lots of physical things to deal with, plus she has no-one to hand the baby off to the way you do.

    Your job for the moment is to support her.

    Oh, and it does definitely get a lot better and easier – the first months and year or two are difficult, but things change amazingly quickly. I’ve got t-shirts that are older than my daughter, yet she’s already dressing herself, reading books, making friends at nursery, and a world-class expert on unicorns.

    SaxonRider
    Full Member

    Some good honest advice, so I have little to add. BUT…

    I would say that if your negative feelings don’t start to lift after your and your wife’s sex life begins to return to ‘normal’, and the baby ages a bit, then it might be worth talking to a counselor.

    NOT because you are a bad person, but because counselors see this kind of thing all of the time, and they really can help unpack some of the feelings so that they don’t get overwhelming or destructive.

    Best of luck.

    molgrips
    Free Member

    No, you read it as a token gesture.

    I can only read what you write 🙂

    Men have another disadvantage – we don’t have breasts.

    Speak for yourself…

    Northwind
    Full Member

    bencooper – Member

    Men have another disadvantage – we don’t have breasts.

    You haven’t met my dad.

    tree-magnet
    Free Member

    I think the majority of us are in the same boat, it’s just a different point in time that the bond develops. For some it’s the experience of child birth, and it’s an instant bond. For some the first time it grips your finger. For me it was when he first spoke. When he called me Dada whilst looking at me he ceased being a baby and became a person I had a connection with.

    I found focusing my effort on my wife was key in the first 6 months. I didn’t feel that much of a bond to my son, as someone up there say’s it was like maintaining a really crap car! So I made tea, did the hoovering etc. She breastfed, so I was pretty useless, but every time she got up to feed him I’d go downstairs and make her a brew/toast/glass of water and sit and chat with her.

    bencooper
    Free Member

    You haven’t met my dad.

    [video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OkcucXIuVI[/video]

    😀

    aa
    Free Member

    Babies are shite. That’s some kind of fact.
    I didn’t bond with aa v2. But now she’s almost 3 and she’s GREAT.
    Its a tough time for everyone, baby is in the cold hard world, parents dealing with a new thing that has changed their (selfish) lives forever.
    Tiredness, stress and everything else that still needs attending to drags you down. It did me anyway.
    Before you know it though, junior will be riding bikes off road, doing high fives and making you smile and laugh in ways you never knew possible.

    gonzy
    Free Member

    You need to accept that your old life is over.

    not quite true…you just have to make certain readjustments and just not do certain things as often

    i find that if i’m going for a ride or spending time away from the kids, i do all the jobs with the kids beforehand such as feeding them, getting them dressed etc…that way the wife gets a bit of a rest. when i return i do the same (feeding, bathing, dressing, putting to sleep etc) its my way of making up for the time i spend away from them…and it keeps me in the good books with mrs gonzy 😆

    tomd
    Free Member

    Friend and his wife had a baby last year. He struggled for first three months, lots of hard work and no close bond. However, a year on he reckons it’s the best thing ever.

    chakaping
    Free Member

    Not reading all the replies, but have you tried skin-to-skin contact?

    Have a read up on it, highly recommended!

    +1 on the small babies are dull stuff too

    thegeneralist
    Free Member

    Got to agree with various posters here.

    From an objective standpoint babies suck. There’s no doubt about it. However they soon grow into kids, and whilst other people’s kids generally still suck, your own kids are nearly always excellent.

    I thoroughly disliked the baby stage. Very little reward and lots of unpleasantness. I Love having kids now though and there the most important thing in my life etc etc.

    Scapegoat
    Full Member

    So far, and I don’t mean to be critical, it’s all about you. The collective want to reassure you, but not much has been said of how your wife might be feeling right now.. It’s hard, and there’s no instruction manual despite the best efforts of the mumsnet thing, and as others have said, social expectations.

    You can’t be expected to just fall into the groove of perfect fatherhood, whatever the hell that is, but trust me, you will find your level.

    Right now thing about your family. Your peace and quiet and freedom are currently on the backburner, as are your riding plans, career plans, drinking/playing plans and everything else. You have a new priority and a new major responsibility. You’ve realized there’s no going back, but you’ve got to adjust. They aren’t over though, so don’t grieve and mourn for lost pleasures and freedoms, it’s just a temporary blip. Life will not return to how it was, it can’t, but the new person sharing your life will enrich it beyond any imaginings you can muster.

    Right now that newborn doesn’t really need you. Not directly. You can’t offer food, or much else apart from the nappies and bathing, but at the end of the day it isn’t the baby that needs help with those. Mum will also be stressed, and without putting too fine a point on it she’s going to be fretting about your reactions. She’s going to be tired and nervous about all that she’s got to do.

    You need to talk to her and reassure her that you do care (you wouldn’t have posted on here if you didn’t) but she also needs to know that part of what happened when you dumped your daughter on her in the early hours is down to your anxieties and fear that you’re getting it wrong. You aren’t. You aren’t your daughter’s mother, and right now your job is to provide the support mum needs to get her bit right, without worrying about housework or cooking or shopping, or emptying the cat tray or whatever else you can do to a) take the pressure off her and b) prove to yourself that you have an important role to play that you can do something about. It doesn’t take bonding seratonins to plug in the vac and make a spag bol!

    Bonding will come, it just takes time. It took me a week or two to get used to the idea that my world was now standing on its head, but trust me, the view from there (here) became better and better. Right now you are worrying that you’re getting it wrong, You aren’t, but your wife needs to know, right now, that you haven’t abandoned them, and more importantly, that you don’t resent the new situation. You will take time to get over today, but look on it as your chance to make an agreement to fluff the cushions and look after your wife until it all settles down.

    Android
    Free Member

    Babies are very labour intensive, they can do nothing for themselves but cry, crap and feed.

    The first thing you get back is a smile, usually around six weeks from my experience, which for me was the best feeling, like their saying, hey, I can’t do much, but thanks and it just gets better from there.

    When a sprog turns up you don’t realize, but the focus changes, previously you were probably the most important thing in the world to your OH and vice versa. But now this new little person has turned up, and it’s has changed. When people come around to see the baby, its all about her and your wife and how tiring it all is, and how tough feeding is, and Dad just helps out a bit and goes to work, but you can (I seem to remember I did, especially with my first) feel a bit sidelined.

    Parenthood is challenging all the way through, you are at the purely physical put it all in get nothing out stage, as they grow, and my god it goes quickly, the challenges become more mental than physical but definitely more fun as they become more communicative and you can do stuff together.

    Tell your OH how you are feeling, before you start to damage your relationship by bottling up and having to disappear in the middle of the night again.

    Good Luck

    dazh
    Full Member

    I’ve no time at all for selfish fathers who want to carry on as if nothing has happened.

    Without wanting to sully a so far very constructive and sensible thread with disagreement, this is the sort of attitude which kind of gets my goat. There’s nothing selfish about wanting to retain an element of continuity and normality in the chaos and upheaval that ensues when a new baby arrives. Having a new baby is hard in all sorts of ways. It makes it much harder if you’re made to feel guilty for wanting to do some simple normal things which are part of who you are.

    molgrips
    Free Member

    There’s nothing selfish about wanting to retain an element of continuity and normality

    That’s not what he said though. Keep doing the things you like, that’s fine, but don’t ignore the issue entirely. Otherwise, if you’re out riding or down the pub all the time, your partner has to do ALL the baby looking after work. And that’s not fair. I think that’s what he’s talking about.

    dazh
    Full Member

    Otherwise, if you’re out riding or down the pub all the time, your partner has to do ALL the baby looking after work. And that’s not fair.

    And I’m not disagreeing with any of that, so we’re all in agreement. </argument>

    philjunior
    Free Member

    1) not totally, but I was nervous about the change and generally stressed out. My tired, hormonal and stressed out wife and the rest of society in general did put a lot of pressure on me to think this was the best thing in the world ever – which I did genuinely feel, but just not that it was the ONLY thing in the world ever, so I kind of understand where you’re coming from.

    2) not at all, it sounds like you’re stressed out with various things and amongst other things, having kids is stressful.

    Make sure you’re not trying too hard and you’re clearly feeling bad about not really being super keen on the baby, hopefully you’ll start to appreciate the baby soon, but also do talk to someone – maybe the wife if you think she will understand, maybe someone else if you think that’d be better.

    Are you putting too much pressure on yourself to help out? I assume your wife is on maternity leave while you are back at work? Remember you don’t have to be doing all the night feeds etc. just cos you’re at work during the day. Your state of mind is as important as your wife’s. I got a lot of stick from my mum when I stopped getting up in the middle of the night with my wife during feeds, but she was breast feeding, didn’t express, I had to go to work etc. and I was just really there for moral support in the middle of the night. Things are much better between us second time round where I go to work, she looks after kids, and I give her time off in the evenings and weekends wherever possible so she can rest and relax rather than both of us getting to the weekends totally shattered.

    In a couple of years, that bundle of annoyance will be much more fun and will say and do some very funny (and, if by that point you’re into it, cute) things.

    fr0sty125
    Free Member

    jonm81

    I don’t think you are the world’s biggest bastard, I feel for you that you are having these difficulties you are only human.

    Can I also thank you though for reminding me once again why I should never ever have kids or bring a ‘Earth destroyer’ into the world for it to only get depressed and damage the planet like the rest of the human race.

    I would only consider adoption but I don’t think I would be the best parent anyway.

    tinybits
    Free Member

    Well that was helpful…

    “Earth destroyer” ffs – top yourself now then to preserve the rest of us.

    dazh
    Full Member

    I got a lot of stick from my mum

    I’m afraid this will never change. My kids are 10 and 7 and I still get dirty looks and abuse from my mum when I go for a bike ride or go down the pub for a couple of pints. But then again my mum comes from the ‘Men are domestic slaves who should spend every waking hour going to work, doing DIY, Gardening etc’ school of thought.

    chaos
    Full Member

    Has she woken herself up farting yet?

    Being a spare part for the first few weeks meant I actually got out on the bike and boards more than I expected. I think I was mostly in the way other than for making tea/meals for my wife. However there was an expectation on her family’s part that I was meant to be all emotional and coo’ing which isn’t really me and so added a fair bit of stress to the whole situation. That really doesn’t help when it feels like people are watching you to check your reactions.

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Some days I think us singletrackers are the biggest bunch of pretentious arseholes on the planet, and then we create a great thread of genuine warmth and advice like this.

    I need a hug…..

    fr0sty125
    Free Member

    tinybits – Member
    Well that was helpful…

    “Earth destroyer” ffs – top yourself now then to preserve the rest of us.

    Too busy living my life to top myself.

    If I could find no purpose in that then the logical thing would be to top myself though that might cause some distress to those left behind. Saying that I would be dead so I wouldn’t have to live with that decision.

    EDIT – I do genuinely hope it works out for the OP

    chakaping
    Free Member

    I need a hug…..

    You’re not the only one.

    gravity-slave
    Free Member

    I felt exactly the same for about the first year of parenthood and it’s a bit of a taboo it seems. People chucked phrases about like “Ahh, it’s so precious, enjoy every minute”. I’d lost my social life, freedom, sleep, cash and time with my wife to a screaming little bundle of helplessness and responsibility and I couldn’t see what was enjoyable at all, let alone for every minute. My Mrs felt the same.

    I worked late to get peace and quiet, more than a few nights I fantasised about packing my van and buggering off to the Alps – wasn’t going to happen but I felt like I was in mourning for my old carefree life. For us having a kid was a life changing decision after 20 years with my Mrs and good times, racing bikes round the country, jetting off to the Alps to ski, nights out, work travel.

    2 years on, the little guy is absolutely brilliant, make me laugh almost every day and I’m really looking forward to having a proper conversation with him, being a Dad as well as a mate to my little buddy. He’s currently into copying everything I do, like helping wash the bikes or do jobs, and dishes out high fives and fist bumps! I miss him like crazy even when at work. I still feel the burden and stress but sure that won’t go away but the fun times are increasing.

    jonm81
    Full Member

    Thanks for all the comments both good and pointed. It is reassuring to know that whilst I may be at the extreme end of the spectrum others have had similar feelings.

    Apart from last night I am supporting my wife as best I can. After work I do all the cooking and cleaning (even my wife cannot tolerate the taste of food she cooks!) As we are bottle feeding we take turn about looking after the kid on alternate nights (feeding, changing, bathing etc) and if it is my wife’s turn at night I get up early so she can get about 4 hrs sleep in the morning before I go to work. I really can not do more while still earning a living.

    Part of the issue, I think, is that I wasn’t convinced on having children and both our families have spent the last 9 months telling me how I will feel after she was born. I feel guilty for not having the expected feelings towards her and even more so for the pressure of lying to family (particularly the in-laws) so as to avoid their wrath.

    I had to look after our daughter for the first 1.5hrs after she was born as my wife needed surgery and I cannot help but think this has affected my feelings for her as all I could think at the time was “look what you have caused” and “I do not know what I would do if anything happens to my wife”. I know that is wrong but I was frightened of loosing my wife. Now it is like the kid knows my feelings and hates me for it.

    Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. It felt like she was just shouting “I know what you think, **** off, I hate you!” I know I shouldn’t have left but I was at the stage of screaming back at her “WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT FROM ME!”. To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.

    Thanks for all the advice and I will definitely be talking it through with my wife this evening and apologising profusely for running away.

    dazh
    Full Member

    However there was an expectation on her family’s part that I was meant to be all emotional and coo’ing which isn’t really me and so added a fair bit of stress to the whole situation.

    I still get this from my own family. My mum once even accused me of not loving my kids because I wasn’t doing all that ‘ooh look at the cute baby’ stuff. It was even worse when my brother had a kid and I was expected to be like that with his baby as well as some sort of ‘super uncle’. It didn’t go down too well when I once remarked ‘it’s a baby, not a cuddly toy’.

    spooky_b329
    Full Member

    No experience of the baby thing, but don’t put things off until tonight. Phone her to clear the air, arrange to go home early and spend some quality time together.

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. It felt like she was just shouting “I know what you think, **** off, I hate you!” I know I shouldn’t have left but I was at the stage of screaming back at her “WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT FROM ME!”. To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.

    Mate, you’re doing OK, by that description. That’s the kind of noise they play non-stop in Guantanamo Bay to crack the detainees. That, and Sheena Easton tracks. 🙂

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