Being honest and straight talking are two very important factors for me in a potential partner.

Well this woman ain’t for you. Can you trust someone who has an afari with a married man?

But she’s busy (and busy still thinking about him no doubt at times), and she has said I’ll be lucky if she can fit me in more than a couple of hours next couple of weeks for a meet up.

Have some self respect man.

Really you should be out “hunting” for what you want / need. Not sitting on your lardy ass waiting for some reject to have you as second best.

Hehe

I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m no hunter. If I was 10 years younger, and felt the need to prove my masculinity by putting a load of “trophies in the cabinet”, maybe I would be. That’s never been my style, I’m interested of course in a girls physical appearance, but they need to interest me and make me laugh too. Most don’t do this, not by a long stretch. I’d say I’ve only ever met a handful in my 31 years on this planet that are both physically attractive to me, and can really make me laugh. Probably says more about me than it does women, but hey, that’s the situation we’re dealing with.

MBoy you sound like me in those respects (although I usually don’t shave for more than 3 days)

I don’t shave unless an occasion calls for it. HATE shaving with a passion, though to be fair, I hate having a full beard even more! I often get to about 10 days growth before it gets removed, though when I’m in work, it’s usually about every 3 days before a boss has a whinge.

She’s not happy being the bit on the side, clearly.

She’s quite a tough little character by all accounts, not much seems to phase her. She REALLY didn’t like talking about this guy at all, but felt she had to be honest with me, she looked a bit ashamed of herself, and almost shed a tear! Not what I was expecting… I get the impression she’s not only embarrassed by herself, but would be mortified if her friends found out, cos they’d all tell her to sort it out and get rid of the married guy out of her life. She isn’t happy about it at all, she made a big issue of telling me she’s not slept with him in over 6 months cos she felt she needed to withdraw sex from the scenario until he worked out what he wanted with a clear head. Seems to me he’s got his cake and is eating it, cos he’s back with his wife happily now, but he knows if he ever leaves he can call her and she’ll come running straight away!

Yeah but she won’t realise that until you take the initiative. She’s all but asking you to.

Bollox – she is keeping him hanging on in reserve

Lifes to short to play games with manipulative people.

Give it a go what have you got to loose? She’s been honest with you, be honest back. I think you need someone, it sounds like she does to. Be brave

When I met the love of my life, she had a boyfriend. Life has a way of finding a path, you know?

The heartbreak i’ve experienced in my short years has been on the back of wonderment and joy.

Keeps life exciting.

Love and lose, live and learn.

All that stuff.

Bollox – she is keeping him hanging on in reserve

That’s not how I see it.

Mboy now you have to go for it – you’ve got me and TJ on opposite sides. The argument will continue until you’ve been happily married for 50 years.

Interesting how this splits STW down the middle though isn’t it?

See I think the cockups you make by NOT following your heart are cockups you need to make.

What else is there to follow? Can’t see how it’d work any other way to be honest.

LOL. If only you knew me better!

I’ve made at least one too many major cockups in the past, following my heart, that have contributed towards health problems. We are talking about the breakdown of serious relationships here (2 with ex GF’s, one with my father which is at least sort of sorted now), but if I was colder and more clinical, I wouldn’t have been hurt the way I was. This is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too early to even worry about anything like that, but just to let you know like… 😉

Yeah but she won’t realise that until you take the initiative. She’s all but asking you to.

Was kinda what I was asking in the first place. I get the impression she is, then I get the impression she’s not. Mixed messages. Gonna ask my hoursemate for 5 minutes of her time next week maybe, find out a bit more about the girl, if she’s known for being wishy washy. I don’t want to be over friendly and alienate her, but also don’t want to appear cold and hence the trail go cold.

Have some self respect man.

I have self respect. She’s busy, it’s cool. I’m not so busy, but then again I may be busy out of the blue also. At least I know she’s busy with work, seeing friends, swimming and the gym for the next couple of weeks and won’t be seeing him…

but if I was colder and more clinical, I wouldn’t have been hurt the way I was

Hmm.. not sure about that either. If you are of the romantic peruasion, what’s the point in being cold and clinical? You might get a stable relationship but how can it be properly fulfilling?

I’d rather have no relationship than the wrong one. But then again it took me a while to learn that. However, I firmly believe that you have to make the mistakes you are going to make to be the person you are going to be.. and everything’s fixable if you are honest, open, generous and conscientious. And the people around you are not cnts.

Lifes to short to play games with manipulative people.

Is what I feel like telling her…

She’s not being manipulative to me, or at least it doesn’t seem that way. He is definitely being manipulative to her though, and she even knows it!

Give it a go what have you got to loose? She’s been honest with you, be honest back. I think you need someone, it sounds like she does to. Be brave

Cheers emsz. Dunno if need is the right word, but I think I would be happier with someone in my life that I really cared about. ALL my friends are married or coupled up, I spend a lot of time being the odd one out. I get the impression she really clings onto spending a lot of time with the couple of single friends she still has left, before they couple up too, as she seems to have an inordinate amount of girlie DVD nights! 🙄

When I met the love of my life, she had a boyfriend. Life has a way of finding a path, you know?

hehe. Brazen! 😉

The heartbreak i’ve experienced in my short years has been on the back of wonderment and joy.

Keeps life exciting.

Love and lose, live and learn.

All that stuff.

Oh yes, this I can relate to… On balance though, I’d rather it have been a rollercoaster of a ride.

Mboy now you have to go for it – you’ve got me and TJ on opposite sides. The argument will continue until you’ve been happily married for 50 years.

I’ll ask her her opinions on bike helmets, devolution, Hope brakes Vs Shimano etc. and base my decision on her answers! 😉

Interesting how this splits STW down the middle though isn’t it?

Lets not get ahead of ourselves molgrips, we’re in a VERY small minority here mate… And I know it… Hence why I’m really glad of everyone’s input, and it’s really hitting home just how most people see the situation and maybe I do need to wise up a touch.

Forgive my cynicism, I’m unhappily married.

The world is full of husbands who can’t understand why their wives have changed so much and wives who can’t understand why their husbands have resisted all their attempts to change them.

Once that ring is on her finger all the coyness and the fun disappears and she will turn into her mother. Sex becomes a chore and outdoor stuff like camping, cycling, walking become something she only does once or twice a year, on sufferance. To the OP I would say walk away as fast as your legs will carry you and be grateful for the narrow escape.

Be brave and true to yourself.

Even if she is spinning you out, that’s no reason to walk away if you really like her. Don’t lookbavk on this in 10 years time and wish you’d acted differently. It might crash and burn, it might just fizzle out or it might be the best thing ever. If you walk away now you’ll never really know. And you will regret that in the future.

she’s in love with a married man, who has been “threatening to leave his wife for the last 10 months”.

I’ve had and have friends on both sides of the fence in this situation. No matter what you do, her head will be facing in his direction.

One has been seeing a married man for 4yrs off and on. The lure is something deep down. Part of the initial lure is illicit, wanting something you can’t have, then it turns into shared deceit, then misplaced love.

Sorry. Do you want such a girl in your life? I wouldn’t. Shes not a victim. The victim is that mans wife. This girl is now easily-tuned for a future illicit/fall in love meeting with a bloke at work in the future etc etc… I wouldn’t have anything else to do with her, plenty more normal girls out there.

On another note, she may mention you to him which may then suddenly be the push this guy needed to move out. Then you’ll really be hurt.

Or. She’ll see you, being going to see ‘friends’ on a ‘friends night out’ and comeback having had a thorough seeing to by the married man to give you a kiss and tell you that she loves you…..you’d never know that the girl you love has a sexual arrangement with a married man…now longterm. Is that baby yours? (in the future)..

Meet a bloody normal girl. The interesting girls tend to have a darkside, thats what makes them sparky’, feisty and alluring. Doesn’t necessarily make them a good, life partner.

On a less cynical note she sounds like she fell for the wrong guy, feels ashamed and withdrawing sex is the first sign that she is taking control of her life.

I would agree to see her on condition she talks to the Husband and tells him its over for good, that shes moving on and its unfair on her that she sit in bed alone every night whilst he cuddles up/enjoys his life*. Also hint to her that if he makes any further contact with her his wife may find out. Don’t make it a threat more of a subtle mention. She’ll pass it on.

*Although he probably protests at this point that hes not having sex, not happy and would love to leave etc but feels trapped by duty as his wife is going through a rough patch etc and will leave after her birthday etc..

How to sort this one out

WALK !.

From what I’ve seen, the sort of people who have relationships with married/in a long term relationship men or women tend to do be repeat offenders.

So what if this married man left his wife, where would that leave you?

I’d be walking away now and chalking it up to experience.

Without reading alot of the above, what are you wanting from this girl, is it just a short term casual relationshop, or a long term relationship that grows in to more?

If its the latter I’d be running away now before you get hurt in the future.

druidh gives by far the best advice

Yep.
The Only other option I’d consider (if she’s really worth it) is leave it open; tell her you really like her but cannot get involved with someone who is obviously into someone else but you’ll be there if she ever decides that mr married is a nob.
If she comes back she’s a keeper. Like a good boomerang.

I think that’s the key, is the other relationship over or not? It’s almost irrelevant whether he’s married or unmarried because it’s just a relationship she’s wanted and he hasn’t wanted to commit to and has then quit.

I also don’t buy that because she fell in love with a married man she is somehow hardwired to cheat on you. He is the one cheating, not her and although you have to question the morals of her side, it’s not her place to protect his marriage. So, to my mind the question you have to ask is whether her and the other bloke is over and if, as someone else said, he changed his mind would she drop you immediately?

There are no certainties in life and tomorrow is not something ANYONE can promise. Even if she could commit to you 100% today, tomorrow is unknown. But the reverse is true, she might not be able to give you 100% right now but tomorrow might be in that place.

So, the question is, are you prepared to take a risk with your emotional wellbeing. It might turn out well, it might not. Only you can decide really.

atlaz for a normal woman to enter into a relationship knowing full well its deceiving another woman doesn’t make this particular woman ‘normal’ though.

We are talking women here, as a rule they tend to work more robustly, even clinically with relationships than us men.

Oh and make sure you kick her bac……NEARLY!!!!

edited because I can’t believe I put that much effort in;

The salient point:

“I’m in love with a married man”

That thing that keeps you upright. Back bone. That’s the one. Put it to use.

Seriously bitch. Get. A. Grip.

hora – As I said, you have to question her morals (and judgement) but I don’t believe it makes her any more prone to cheating necessarily. I mean sure, she might but you could say that about anyone you meet. You only find that out with time.

As an aside, from your above post:

Meet a bloody normal girl. The interesting girls tend to have a darkside, thats what makes them sparky’, feisty and alluring. Doesn’t necessarily make them a good, life partner

Surely the objective is to find someone that makes you HAPPY not someone you can handle living with? You need to consider the long-term I agree and someone you can’t rely on, that infuriates you at every turn etc isn’t going to work, but they wouldn’t make me happy anyway 🙂

Walk away. Simple as.

She’s keeping you interested just in case the married bloke decides she’s not worth leaving his wife for, then she can come crying to you.

She’s playing you along because it flatters her shallow ego to see your tongue hanging out.

Walk away.

Monksie wins!

And she tells me pretty much straight away, she really fancies me!

Erm…this is the first thing she says to you on your 2nd meeting, and she was drunk on the first?

So…desperate into the bargain.

You keep going on about how her ‘straight-talking honesty’ is one of her best features, and a big requirement for any relationship.

But there’s irrefutable evidence that she can be as flexible with the truth as her situation requires.

she loves someone else
Really WTF can you do and who on earth would want to date someone who loves someone but wants you as a bit on the side- 3 years time how much trust do you have in her? [ she would be “cheating” with you at the very least irrespective of what your view of “dating” married folk is]

Ignoring the fact the love is married WTF are you thinking about ? she loves someone else but will shack up with you a few hours here and there if you try …you are right she is mad

IMHO the dumb stick would need to overrule your higher faculties

Whether it does is your choice

Personally I would walk away and never look back.

That thing that keeps you upright. Back bone. That’s the one. Put it to use.

I am pretty sure another kind of bone[r] is keeping him upright and he wishes to put that to good use

Once that ring is on her finger all the coyness and the fun disappears and she will turn into her mother. Sex becomes a chore and outdoor stuff like camping, cycling, walking become something she only does once or twice a year, on sufferance. To the OP I would say walk away as fast as your legs will carry you and be grateful for the narrow escape.

Wow! Guess I just got lucky then.

Before Mrs Cat I fell heavily for someone in a long term and serious relationship, she left him for me after I pursued her pretty hard. I had to work away for a few months and guess what. People do have repeated patterns of behaviour. As long as you proceed with your eyes wide open, it’s worth putting your belief to the test – sh1t or bust.

Once that ring is on her finger all the coyness and the fun disappears and she will turn into her mother. Sex becomes a chore and outdoor stuff like camping, cycling, walking become something she only does once or twice a year, on sufferance

Then I’d say you need to look at you, stand back, look into what you’ve become and how you act towards your partner once you too put that ring on your finger.

As far as I see it there are two options:

1. Walk away

2. I tend to think that the very early stages of a relationship are kind of like a game. As a man, generally you have to walk the tight rope of being interested in someone without appearing to be interested. She has thrown a curve ball by telling you she’s in love with someone else. Now if you show any interest at all she knows you are interested and can be led along without ever letting you get anywhere near her. Basically using you to boost her ego.

So why not say to her something like,

“Well, obviously now that you’ve told me that nothing serious can ever happen. You’ve made it clear that I’ll always be the second choice. But it doesn’t mean we can’t hang out and have fun and if anything happens it happens. I definitely can’t see us being in an exclusive type relationship though.”

Whether you mean that or not is irrelevant. The important thing is to improve your worth and unattainably in her eyes. If she claims to be in love with a married man, I suspect that it’s the unattainably that she is really attracted to. You need to get her thinking that you are just as far out of her reach as the married guy.

Basically using you to boost her ego

I imagine this bloke preferring to share his bed with the other woman has knocked her self-esteem a fair bit. So she is (or would be) on the rebound.. the next guy helps her sort her head out/repair her self-esteem then she’ll be off.

Hora’s probably right. Whatever happens don’t invest too much in the relationship emotionally. Also, don’t stop looking around yourself for at least a year or until you are 100% comfortable.

If this doesn’t sound like something you can do then take option 1.

Have you checked under her hair for the 666 tattoo ??

OMG, I assume you are trying to paint her in a good light, but she sounds to me like a manipulative seflish self-obsessed harpy, the kind of woman that gives us all a bad name.

“she nearly shed a tear” good little actress too.

Run, run fast, keep running.

My god there’s way too much good stuff to quote… this is where I’ve got to so far..

I’m a whole lot more feminine in my approach to relationships

My initial thought is that you come across as a very sensitive type (something that you’re clearly aware of) and that she’s just using you at the moment. She sees a vulnerability and is playing you in the same way he’s playing her, so…

Kidnap her and lock her in your basement.

I’ll go and read some more of the thread now.

Edit:

Nah you just show her how much of a jerk he was by being the proper Mr Wonderful

This may be the biggest bit of BS ever written in the history of STW!

sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but ….

she obviously liked the look of you when she first met you

now she’s had a chance to spend some time with you she’d realised you are a bit wet (for her anyway) – and is laying down the big smokescreen of the other man, being busy, spending time with friends etc

some people would use the situation you are in to get some reasonably no strings sex then walk away

you are clearly not one of those people

just walk away

mboy – everything that needs to be said has already been said. You’re one of the more open posters on here IMO and it seems that the majority of posters have got the same measure of you as I have.

Ignore Molgrips, listen to everyone else.

Personally I agree walk away lest she colour your entire future view of the female species. Pistonhead forum has a fair degree of male posters who literally refer to women as snake with tits. Don’t turn into one of these. Bitter and twisted.

This is the STW forum. It’s inhabited by rambler operated sock puppets, tubby IT managers who puff along at 12mph on burled up all-mountain bikes, and bizarre whippet like Mekons who like to squeeze into lycra hot pants and tube tops and grind up hills in the rain… And you come here for advice about WOMEN?

Stop prevaricating, lay your eggs in her brain and maybe when they hatch in her sleep the larvae can eat the married guy too.