I’ve found out that someone I really care about is an addict. I’ve had my suspicions for a long time on and off about the person concerned but have never had anything to confirm them.

Last saw him around Christmas and he had lost several stone, was almost falling asleep all the time and looked like poop.

I’ve now found that he has been taking heroin on and off for about 2 decades! Now both him and his girlfriend (they’ve been together for about 18 years) are now taking crack and have blown every penny they have and owe a dealer £££’s. He’s just about holding down his job but it seems unlikely that will last much longer.

I can’t see him ever kicking it while they are together as a couple and also can’t see him leaving her to turn his life around.

Are there any answers, great gems of advice or is it a lost cause? I’m properly torn up and simply have no idea what to do.

Theres no right thing to do. I know people who’ve hit the bottom and got back on their feet but theres no common story as to how they did that. Help can be counterproductive – propping someone up stops them from having to pick themselves up so when you let them go they just fall further.

The advice might be – let them **** it up, loose it all, nearly die, go to prison or whatever else this is leading to. Then when they hit the bottom and resolve to get themselves together – be there for them then. By that time they’ll have really let you (and everyone one around them) down and you won’t think of them as a friend any more – but thats the time. What they’ll need then is to have their time filled, take them places do things, get involved in stuff, empty time and empty thoughts are too easy to fill then.

Theres a group I hang out with when I get the chance which is principally for homeless and former homeless but by definition thats really addicts and recovering addicts. The activities are varied and most days theres something the group members can drop in for – food, warmth, help, fun, (even mountain biking apparently) but the point is its most days. Providing company, and activity all the time.

What you could do is get yourself involved in these groups now, so that you’ve got the tools later – I had work reasons to meet the group I hang out with for a couple of afternoons and made such good friends there so quickly that I drop in whenever I can.

Easy answer is “lost cause” . i have 25 years of class a users. but i am a bitter and twisted criminal lawyer . The hard answer is some do turn around, often after they have destroyed friends and families lives. Do not lend or give money for any reason . do give food but only in small amounts.

The drugs intervention program is there to deal with people in custody at polive stations or before the courts but will also see self referals off the street at least in my area.

They will both need to come off at the same time or split up , i have known many couples who use but none who have stayed together and become drug free.

Be careful a similar thread got deleted the other day, some very negative comments, unfortunately a lot of people are very small minded over this kind of subject. In my experience, just be there for the person, let them talk, try not to make them feel guilty, it’s an addiction they are not doing it on purpose or to hurt you or anyone else, they will only be ready to get help when they are ready, and if that never happens you have to make the choice as to weather you stand by them or not. Good luck.

Thanks. I’ve so little exposure to what I’d call hard drugs that I’ve probably been pretty judgemental myself in the past.

No money will be given. Loaned some money years ago which never got repaid. I thought it was for genuine reasons but in reality it was probably to fund drugs or pay off a dealer.

Generally, and this applies to other situations to. You can’t help unless the other party wants it. Junkies are very manipulative so don’t let your guard down or you’ll get taken.

You can’t help unless the other party wants it

This. They need to want to change. you try and help them when they don’t want to change, and they’ll shit all over you. sad fact, but very true I think

They will both need to come off at the same time or split up , i have known many couples who use but none who have stayed together and become drug free.

You only deal with the ones in the criminal syatem so it is a very skewed sample as you dont meeth the ones who turn it around

I know many who have been drug free and many where only one has and variations in between. I even know one who hangs out with users and yet remain cleans – I am speaking professionally here these are not my friends

My honest view [from folk i have known] is if they wont kick the drugs then keep them at arms lengths or further- its nothing personal[from them] but the drugs is all they care about and getting the funds to acquire them they dont really care [ or have any actual influence] over what they are preapred to do to get it- they have no friends they have heroin to source.

Whatever happens you cannot get people to want change but always let them know you are there to provide that option but avoid if they use

Best of luck

I’ve not offered any help at this point and I’ve not heard from him since I found out. Was just looking for a bit of advice.

I’m very cynical, hence my previous suspicions over the years when others have told me I’m being silly. His whole adult life has been built on lies so my guard is completely up. He lives 300 miles away so it’s unlikely I’ll see him unless I go there (especially as they have no car now).

Ignore any unhelpful comments, some people just do not understand drugs or they only see it from one perspective.

It will be of no help whatsoever but you will only be able to help them when they actually realise that they need help.

20+ years = a way of life, so it is not going to be easy for them to want to get off of it. You will for sure watch their lives escalate further but unless they want to get clean there is very little you can do. You could try to talk to them but you may end up ruining any relationship with them.

Heroin (and even more so crack) are very heavy duty and they are both life ruiners.

It may be worth having a chat to a drugs advisor for some professional advice.

Perhaps if he does lose his job then that may be the tipping point, who knows.

Good luck to all involved.

I’ve been a bobby for 25 years and witnessed many heroin addicts
Without exception I’ve never spoken to anyone who likes being on heroin, but I can count on one hand the number of people who i know that actually kick heroin.
I know 2 people who were at school with me who were addicts for 10 years, they kicked it about 12 years ago and are still off it as far as I know, so it can be done,
About 90% of the criminals i deal with are heroin addicts, and they do some terrible things to fund their habit, I have no problems arresting and dealing with them and feel contempt for the things they do, BUT I also feel very sad for a lot of them, they are trapped in a terrible downward spiral which is heroin addiction, its so sad to see on an extended basis.
One of the saddest thigs is to look at their photographs on our system, over the years you can see them go from healthy young people to absolute living wrecks.
hope your friend is one of the few to turn his life around, but if he isn’t , don’t blame yourself

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I think over the 20 years there have been long periods off the drugs. Even when they’ve been taking them they’ve managed to maintain an outwardly fairly normal life.

This time it’s different. Whether it’s the crack that’s tipped them over the edge I don’t know. If they carry on as they are I genuinely believe they’ll both be dead before the end of the year.

About 90% of the criminals i deal with are heroin addicts, and they do some terrible things to fund their habit, I have no problems arresting and dealing with them and feel contempt for the things they do, BUT I also feel very sad for a lot of them, they are trapped in a terrible downward spiral which is heroin addiction, its so sad to see on an extended basis.

says it all really. maybe its time to admit that the criminalization of addiction is an expensive mistake

I used heroin for a fair few years. I quit but replaced the high with crack, which I then continued to use for the next two years. I can’t really remember what made me quit but being permanently skint was definitely a contributing factor. I was also lucky to have a very strong partner (no, not a in muscly fashion) who stood by me and understood the withdrawal process.

Much to my embarrassmnet, I will admit to firing-up the crack pipe of a morning and sitting down to kick the artificial arse of Wipeout (the original) in Rapier class everyday for 18 months.

Sorry – more anecdotal than helpful.

didn’t mean to be flippant up there, i feel for you. a good mate of mine found his brothers body one morning in his kitchen, he’d od’d in the night. he was 17.

kick the artificial arse of Wipeout (the original) in Rapier class

Translation for the Surrey set ?

🙂

A game for PlayStation 1. A futuristic racing game where you travel the world competing in a points championship. Rapier was the faster class of vehicle and needed a certain knack to make it through some of the more challenging areas of the tracks. Firestar was an extra track that became available when you won the Venom class championship and was uber fast when played in Rapier.

In my head, I was there, man. The crack helped…

didn’t mean to be flippant up there, i feel for you. a good mate of mine found his brothers body one morning in his kitchen, he’d od’d in the night. he was 17.

I know of two similar people who both lost their lives to heroin at 17. Such a sad waste of a life.

I come across plenty of drug addicts in my professional capacity, they are vile….almost sub human.

Drugs aren’t the problem, I know plenty of people who can use drugs recreationally without any problems….feeble minded people with no will power and addictive personalities are the problem.

Ditch them, your life will be better in the long run….if it wasn’t the drugs it would be something else, people like this tend to need a fix of any kind be it gambling, drink, drugs etc.

Leave well alone.

I’ve been there, not with the same longevity as your friend though and it was a personal experience to come through to the other side. No one could touch me, whilst I was encapsulated in so many layers of this mindset.

This entanglement is only possible to untangle from the inside. Anything that comes into orbit gets drawn in by the intense gravity of the situation. You can’t get in to that centre of it, so don’t try. You can do nothing and your best option is to do nothing.

I wish the best for your friend. People do come through it. He may well yet.

neninja – Member

I can’t see him ever kicking it while they are together as a couple

That may be one of the only angles you have; if you can get them to realise that without getting clean they will destroy themselves individually and as a couple.

This entanglement is only possible to untangle from the inside. Anything that comes into orbit gets drawn in by the intense gravity of the situation. You can’t get in to that centre of it, so don’t try. You can do nothing and your best option is to do nothing.

You’ve put it so much more eloquently than I could. Best advice IMO but, like a few of my friends, be there when/if they break it, as Maccruiskeen suggests.

I know (knew) about 20 people from school who have been addicted to smack an now have jobs, houses, partners and most of the other stuff mentioned at the start and finish of Trainspotting so it can be done, but as said above, it MUST BE THEM that wants to kick their habit…

deviant – Member
I come across plenty of drug addicts in my professional capacity, they are vile….almost sub human.

Crumbs, don’t hold back…

As most have said, there’s no way of helping truth be told. If they get desperate enough, they’ll either sack it off, end up in the nick or die. I know a good few folk who are long term addicts – one is a prominent antiques expert with a family of four kids and a loving wife who enjoys the odd toke.

He has his issues but his family is close and loving and he earns enough to support a decent lifestyle.

Doesn’t sound like your friends are in the same boat though – crack will **** you up. It can’t be controlled in the same way as smack. I hope they can wean themselves off it.

deviant – Member

I come across plenty of drug addicts in my professional capacity, they are vile….almost sub human.

Drugs aren’t the problem, I know plenty of people who can use drugs recreationally without any problems

You know plenty of people who use heroin or crack recreationally with no problems?
🙂

Vile or sub-human – no definitely not.

A Weak and pathetic liar – yes certainly.

He was a decent person but he’s never grown up, has an addictive personality and has no backbone.

He’s actually my brother and I’m gutted.

That’s a shame. It’s hard to think objectively when blood’s involved.

I hope they can wean themselves off it.

IME there’s no weaning-off crack; it’s all or nothing.

Sorry to hear that. I’ve occasionally genuinely considered taking some time off and forcibly rehabilitating my friend by driving him to some very remote bothy and hiding the car keys. But even once he’d sweated it out and kicked the physical effects, the deep-rooted dependency would still be there.

That’s the hard bit to shift, and they really do have to do it themselves 🙁

And as you may have guessed, I’ve been there myself many moons ago and got lucky.

feeble minded people with no will power and addictive personalities are the problem.

Very harsh and untrue with the possible exception of the personality part!

It’s something I come across fairly regularly (and there are probably a fair few I am not aware of who have overcome the problem) but many are suffering the consequences of abusing their body for years.

All of them say they got pretty much to rock bottom before they made the decision themselves to kick the habit, with many of them taking several attempts. Advice given above ie. to let them make their own way and don’t provide any help other than food or moral support seems to be the only way.

You can only hope for the best and that he pulls around before it’s too late.

Good luck

I’ve been angry, sad and pretty much everything in between.

I’m finding it very hard to see a happy ending, they’ve fallen so far so fast. The priority seems to be ensuring that the rest of the family don’t become victims of their need to fund the addiction.

I’ve been angry, sad and pretty much everything in between.

I’m finding it very hard to see a happy ending, they’ve fallen so far so fast. The priority seems to be ensuring that the rest of the family don’t become victims of their need to fund the addiction.
This I’m afraid. As others have said, the need is all-consuming, with no conscience or inhibitions. The real danger is that you will be sucked in and lose the love you have for your brother if you try to intervene. Even if you try to remain non-judgemental, the desperation which underlies the need to fuel the habit will not respect you, and you will yourself become a victim. I’ve seen families trying to help by funding, by paying off debts, even by scoring for their loved ones to keep them away from the dealers. In all those cases the end result has been a kick in the teeth by the addict in return. There is no magic bullet, and nothing you can say will make a shit of difference to your brother’s mindset.

I sincerely hope he can find the determination and professional support he needs to kick it, and I sincerely hope that you can find it in yourself to love and forgive your brother. My thoughts are with you.

‘Bobby’ I’ve not heard that term used for years! My local officer when I was young was known as ‘Bobby George’. 🙂

OP you can’t help him. Only one person can. Him.

Neinga “he is actually my brother” one of the few success stories I know was a lad whose brother basically kicked seven bells out of him then imprisoned him for a fortnight his sister then kept him close . The addiction was not as long term as your brothers though.

Teasel kudos for the wipeout skills and the whole beating addiction thing .

He was a decent person but he’s never grown up, has an addictive personality and has no backbone.

S’funny that.. I was a drug user from the age of maybe 12 or 13, and by 17 I had a serious addiction or two..
I was very lucky and by the age of 22 or 23 I was pretty much clean.. I did go on to use again later in life but as more of a recreational activity..

I didn’t grow a backbone until much later though, so I wonder if the drugs can rob you of your self esteem in some way..?
I don’t really know what advice to offer though..
If he’s been on it for 20 odd years he obviously likes it to some extent.. if my kids hadn’t come along there are certain unsavoury aspects of my lifestyle that I would have lovingly kept on..

FWIW, I have generally had to remove myself from a situation or peer group where drugs are the norm if I’ve been trying to quit..

Not sure if this helps. But I lost two very close family members to drugs.
There was nothing I could do. They just go and do their thing, won’t listen to anyone.

I talked to them, I gave them money, I bought them clothes, when they had nothing. I now see that I wasn’t equipped to deal with it and I’m still convinced that if a person is intent on pursuing that lifestyle.
Then there’s very little you can do to turn them around. In my bitter experience.

Still, they are gone now. One left a young child at the time. We have the pictures, we have the memories. Not all of them are great as you can imagine. Such a waste of life.

So, OP, I hope the people you’re concerned about manage, somehow, to get their lives turned around. But don’t be hard on yourself. You can’t choose or live their lives for them.

I lost a good friend to heroin about 5 years ago. I can only say good luck and try to be there to help when the time comes,

Thanks everyone. It’s really helped clarify things for me.

I’d been debating whether to ask on here but glad I did. Good to hear from so many people who’ve experienced both sides of this.