So I’m well and truly at the end of my tether with the OH.

We’ve been struggling for the last 4 years or so and despite many many issues I’d have to site the biggest problem being communication.
She just doesn’t like or want to talk. She struggles with talking and does everything in her power to avoid it despite knowing how destructive it is to the relationship. All the problems we have are ongoing long term one which frankly just never get resolved so stack up.

I’ve tried broaching things in so many ways over the years, we’ve done the counseling (which I suggested) but she never really got on board with it.

I feel totally powerless in the relationship as just don’t have any control over anything at all. If I try to talk about something she just sits in silence and if I try to get her to talk them I’m a bully. Eventually she’ll decide she’s had enough listening to me and just tells me the conversation is over. I either have to just let her get her way and walk off or I try to convince her to talk which she then I’m a bully again. She won;t actually see anything wrong in what she does though.

House and two young kids but frankly i’m ready for walking. I have been for the lats two years but have continually tried and tried for the sake of the family but I honestly just don;t see things changing.

Does any one know anyone like this or in a relationship with some who just won’t communicate??

How the hell do you deal with it or it just a case of accepting things won’t change no matter ho much you might want it…

Firstly, sorry to hear this 🙁

Does her inability/unwillingness to talk extend outside of your relationship or is it just with you? I know this sounds utterly daft, but could she be persuaded to write everything she’s feeling down on paper and let you read it? Some people do genuinely struggle with difficult face-to-face stuff, but once the ice is broken they can open up quite a bit (mrs PF can be like this, it’s like a self/relationship preservation block she throws up at times, as if not dealing with something, no matter how small or large, will somehow stop it crystallising as a real issue)

Hmmm. I imagine there will be a slew of posts shortly that all say “walk: Life is too short”. Whenever I see threads like this I am tempted to say the same thing but it is never that easy when you add up the time and energy you have invested into the relationship plus having kids. And the decision to walk will not be a cheap one either. Maybe it’s just me but it also seems unusual for it to be the bloke that struggles to engage the partner in conversation. Personally, anything longer than 5 minutes over an “issue” and I am losing the will to live – especially as we inevitably go round and round in circles.

Is this something that has always been the case with your relationship or is it something that developed as time went on / post kids arriving? Can you live with the “issues” – it’s just the failure to talk / deal with them that is affecting you?

If it is the issues that are the big problem and the fact that she is not willing to talk is exacerbating them then I guess it will come down to how much you love her. If you still love her to bits and cannot see life without her then to a degree you will have to suck it up. Try and find ways to talk about the stuff but perhaps try other avenues (maybe writing the issues down?) or give yourself a short time to discuss – say 10 minutes. Set an alarm for the time and agree that at the end you are prepared to stop and leave it for her to decide how she wants to conclude the discussion. If you are finding that love has long since left the building then in all probability it is time to leave or else you will end up with a situation that has 4 disaffected and screwed up lives.

Bikingcatastrophe, I couldn’t have said it better.

Could she be suffering from depression. An inability to talk about problems without getting upset can be one of the effects of depression.

Peretfile…
Exactly that. In moments of clarity she will admit its like a defence mechanism and she just shuts down. She’s been like this all her life from speaking to her family but being in a relationship having kids, house etc I have to deal with it more and obviously we have more issues that needs addressing than she would with anyone else.

Bikingcatastrophe…

I’d normally say walk as well. If it was a mate I was given advice to id say go. I honestly just feel to weak and to much a coward to do what I probably know is better for everyone involved and leave.
The issues massively range from annoying (always doing things her way, living how she wants to live)
Through to big issues like finances etc which can’t be ignored.
Mostly though I just resent her for her efforts, despite knowing the problems we face she does nothing positive to try and get us on track. In fact she’s very negative. She can see me trying yet she gets angry, nasty and damn right mean whilst I’m tying my best and keeping calm despite wanting to fire her out of a cannon when she’s being horrible. I have to continuously make her allowances for her but it seems she can say, do and act however she likes no matter how negative and I’m just suppose to take it on the chin then come back be the bigger person again the next day.

Are you married to my wife? 🙁

I’m in an almost identical situation here. I’m not sure if I love her anymore – she’s certainly more like a best friend now. So I find the thought of walking away and hurting her impossible. We also have two kids under 8 – they are the most important thing in my life. Leaving them is not an option.

We just bumble along being civil to each other. It’s not ideal, but I can’t see any other way.

FreddyG…
Hideous life isn’t it? I feel totally powerless to change anything and can see my life just floating away on a river of misery. I’ve tried so many things over the years and nothing has changed on the last 4 years, the same issues are there.

It feels like the only thing I can do is to walk away, I can;t make her do anything else and I can’t fix it on my own.
I don’t want to loose my kids, my house, my livelihood and even my OH if I’m honest.

Yes Gravitysucks, it’s completely shit.

<man hug>

She won’t communicate unless she feels safe and secure enough. You need to provide that environment. You can’t make a flower bloom, you have to look after it and wait for it to come out on its own.

There could be many things that you are doing that are destroying confidence and security without knowing or meaning to. A lot of people seem to do this, especially when they are exasperated or annoyed. Me included at times.

nothing more frustrating than someone who won’t share their thoughts

I sympathise, its really shitty

Like molgrips says, there is probably not much point pushing, try a different approach if you feel it’s worth it

molgrips – Member
She won’t communicate unless she feels safe and secure enough. You need to provide that environment. You can’t make a flower bloom, you have to look after it and wait for it to come out on its own.

There could be many things that you are doing that are destroying confidence and security without knowing or meaning to. A lot of people seem to do this, especially when they are exasperated or annoyed. Me included at times.

Erm, or it could be nothing to do with how he’s behaving. It could just be the way that she is wired. My wife sounds very similar in how she deals with situations…
You seem to be assuming that the OP is at fault in this sitaution and her behavious is a a result of his actions. Perhaps that’s not actually the case?

@Freddyg are you me? 😕

Had exactly the same with my ex-wife, so that gives you the outcome straight away. She wouldn’t talk about any problems just pulled the shutters down. Other people thought she was a good laugh and good company, which she was to a point but only until something went wrong. Eventually I went and my only regret is why didn’t I go sooner?
However , no kids to complicate the issue.

In situations like this it’s hard to think “what would I tell myself to do” isn’t it.
As in – from the ‘outside’ view the choice is ‘easy’, but once you’re actually in the hot seat, the pros and cons become more blurred….

Best of luck

DrP

You don’t say how old you are, but do you want to be in this relationship using up the valuable few years we all have on this planet?

I have been through a divorce and a break up with my sons mother, and looking back, i’m 44, i wish i’d have ended both relationships sooner.

Life just goes on after a break up and you will find someone else that you get on with, love, and be happy with.

Seems you already know what you want to do.

I don’t think you are being too weak or too much of a coward. These are, for most of us, huge decisions to make as they impact lives. Not just our own, but those of other people. And, as you pointed out, there is a significant financial and emotional implication if you do walk away. But you also need to weigh that up against what it is doing to you. I know I have not always been very fair to my missus and that has been a frustration to her at times but she has been faithful and understanding. She has also been through a lot of stuff that has required more patience and understanding from me than I thought I was capable of or interested in giving. We have managed to work our way through it although there have been a couple of times over the years where I have been tempted and ready to walk. Glad I didn’t (married 23 years btw).
If these things are really beginning to feel insurmountable and she really will not engage then perhaps you need to look at the next step which would be a temporary separation. That may help her to understand how deeply this is affecting you and that you really do feel you are at the last chance saloon with her. It would help if you have a close friend who can help you out with accommodation for the period. Maybe run through what you believe the costs will be if you do split and see what the impact is. For some, it has been truly liberating to make that break and despite the costs life has picked up for them. I think I have been conditioned to see marriage as a life long commitment and that while it can be rosy and glorious there are also times when the reality of two separate people living together as one is jarring and hard. With all of that said, it also needs both parties to be willing to work at it when the going gets tough and if that is not the case, and doesn’t look like changing, then I find myself increasingly believing that a break needs to happen. It can be devastating for the kids if they haven’t seen it coming or are too young to comprehend but maybe, in the long ruin, you are likely to be a better for them if you are happy and in a good place.

I feel totally powerless in the relationship as just don’t have any control over anything at all. If I try to talk about something she just sits in silence and if I try to get her to talk them I’m a bully

Perhaps take the gag out of her mouth and let her out of the cellar at least once a day. 😀

But seriously something is going on in her head, and she needs some attention, how or who i dont know,its up to both of you to talk and sort things out.

Erm, or it could be nothing to do with how he’s behaving. It could just be the way that she is wired. My wife sounds very similar in how she deals with situations…
You seem to be assuming that the OP is at fault in this sitaution and her behavious is a a result of his actions. Perhaps that’s not actually the case?

I’m just suggesting possibilities. I don’t know either of them so I can’t comment on them personally. That’s why I used the word ‘could’. I should’ve used ‘may be’ in the first paragraph too actually.

It’s important to realise that it may not be her that’s got the problem. It could be you, but it’s likely (imo) to be a conflict between what you both need and do.

Have you asked her to write things down? Can you communicate the issues in writing? This can take the pressure off her, give her time to think of what she wants to say and how.

I’ve tried so many things it’s untrue. Theres a lot of sense in what Molgrips says and at times I Know I may not be helping the situation BUT I am trying!

I have tried so many avenues mainly about doing it her way. She wants me to back for a bit so I do, she wants more time, I give it to her, it eventually goes on for days and days without me pushing anything and I then realise she’s just swept it under the rug and forgotten about it. If I ever mention it again them I’m the bad one for bringing it up again.

Nobody’s perfect but it’s the non existence of effort from her part that kills the most.
I constantly make allowances for her, her behaviour and her preferences but this just isn’t reciprocated from her side at all.

I have tried the writing down thing but she’s just not down with it…

Once I sent a fairly long text putting my feeling and concerns across. I figured she’d have time to digest it, think it all over, plan a response, write and rewrite it…..
Then after about 8 hours her name flashed up on my phone.
My heart stopped.
I composed myself and looked at the text…..

“Get some milk on your way home” was the response!

Nobody’s perfect but it’s the non existence of effort from her part that kills the most.

My guess is that she’s afraid and sad.

My advice would be to just do something nice, without any strings, no goals, no aims, no pressure.

What does she like?

I composed myself and looked at the text…..

“Get some milk on your way home” was the response!

Could be her way of saying ‘I don’t know how to talk about it’

🙁

If you can get yourselves there, I can recommend Relate. Perhaps you could lay it on the line – ‘I can’t take any more, I’m ready to walk but I don’t want to without knowing I’ve given everything, will you please come to Relate with me?’ kind of thing. She wouldn’t need to commit to talking, to carrying on with it, to whatever – just to turning up with you, once would perhaps allow you both to start moving forward, in whatever way.

Email in profile if want to talk about Relate.