More anodised bits on the bike, singlespeed it with a huge ratio, put niche drop bars on it, and preferably rigid.
But whatever you do, don’t ride it. No-one is going see you do your non-riding, but they’ll assume you do.
Now park it outside the trail centre cafe and they’ll all think, Jeez how does he ride that? Soon you will have imitators, and of course, they’ll injure themselves trying to ride. You will tell them they need to go a bit faster and jump longer to avoid injury, and it’s best to practise at night if they’re nervous.
Is this awesome enough?
No? Well one day some young lunatic will actually master riding your crazy setup and become world champion. Naturally he will let it be known that without you as a mentor he would have never achieved this.
See – you will become an awesome riding god and you don’t have to turn a pedal.
Just remember who your mentor was 🙂