Long story short,mums memory is going a bit, slowly, but definitely progressive in it’s aggression.

For example, she has asked if “Jen’s brother is married” twice this week while staying with us, even though she has discussed him and his wife’s difficult circumstances at separate points.

I have begun to make a diary of new things I tell her so I can check what she remembers. My sister is still at the “she’s just old aged” point. I feel Terry Pratchett taught me better than that.

So, at 69 before she goes on another of her independent & exciting Greek holidays, how can I help her acknowledge the issue?

I can’t remember what I did or said two minutes ago and I’m 42 😀

Does she get check ups at the doctor? They seem to be chucking in memory tests at that age. Perhaps a hint to get a test on the next check up.

Speak to her GP and raise your concerns. Then convince her that she needs to see said GP.

Unfortunately she’s not inclined to divulge any medical information at all.

We only found out about the – now gone -tumour when the Tamoxifen fell out the cupboard.

If she’s forgetting shit, she ain’t admitting it. Conversely we are a talking family, so I know somethings up.

Bit sad about it now. Hard to imagine forgetting a beautiful life well lived,I’d rather s

Same here. Mother in law is on the same slippery slope. In denial, claims she is ok (claims its 1947 yesterday, her eldest sone had died etc,) doctor wont discuss her with the family without her permission. A bit messy at the moment, has good and bad days, unfortunately the good days seem to be when assessed so little in the way of help forthcoming.

My mum had this with her mum. I had it too when I went to visit my Nan. Repeated questions etc. doctor at the time seemed fairly pragmatic in why upset things if they cope day to day, if you show frustration then it only makes the situation worse and so on. You might be able to rationalise with them now but that might disappear at some point.
Terrible disease to cope with but at the end of the day, remember it’s the disease and not the person if they get upset and angry. Not sure that’s the answer you needed but no matter what we say, each situation is different and only you can get that that balance. Hope things work out.

You do realise that some dementia sufferers are aware that they forget words and have an impaired memory?

Doctors can’t discuss their patients without the patient’s consent but that doesn’t stop you telling the doc something that will help them provide good care. A good doctor is glad to have more information and will then ask appropriate questions. It’s a tough situation for everyone. Good luck.

The first step is probably for you to get a better understanding of dementia.
Check out Dementia Friends. And good luck to all of you!

I agree with Esme. Knowledge can be power. Just knowing people are going through the same as you can help. My mum was diagnosed with Huntingtons Disease last year. The interim has been a roller coaster, but the Scottish Huntingtons Association really helped when something I literally knew nothing about hit my family. There will be groups for family’s of Dementia sufferers where others will feel the same as you. Good luck.

Just going through something very similar with my missus mum’s fella of ten years or so (not married live separately but do everything together). It took us all a little while to face up to the lapses in short/ intermediate term memory, and worst of all the various reported an unreported bumps in the car over perhaps the last year or so.

He really was in proper denial until the test results/assessment session last week, where the initial altzheimer diagnosis was finally made, right up to that point he was on about what He’d be doing once they gave him the all clear to drive again…

Now his son is busy flogging his house and planning on moving him in with them (different town, long way away),TBH I am not entirely sure his wishes are being fully considered in all of this
this, but at the same time he is probably going to need some significant care within the next twelve to eighteen months, and we’re not technically family or geared up to help… Worst for us is I am really not sure how to explain it all to our kids (he is basically a surrogate grandparent to them)…

My advice OP is to have the tough conversation ASAP and get her to her GP now, once you have a referral and then a proper diagnosis you will be able to start looking at the available options and plan what’s best. If you leave it it will get worse.

Doctors can’t discuss their patients without the patient’s consent.

As long as the person being treated is deemed to have sufficient capacity to make judgements about their health.

From my experience with my mum, whilst we didn’t actually have to deal with that issue (mum was happy for me to take her to doc – or at least didn’t object when I arranged it), I suspect she would have to be quite a long way down the line before reaching that point as far as a GP is concerned.

Generally good advice above.
Do have the conversation though,difficult as it may well be.

On a more practical note, read into power of attorney and get the necessary paperwork done in advance of needing it. One of the most difficult things is trying to sort it out when the dementia gets worse and you’re having to arrange things or having to stop their credit cards because otherwise they’ll order 5 lots of shopping from Tesco or worse.

You don’t have to enact it now but it just means it’s all ready when the time comes and you /other relatives and doctors agree.

Theres been a worry that my mum is facing the same issue – the steps we took were firstly a GP appointment that I accompanied her on.

Theres all sorts of nuances of problems with memory some of which are indicative of dementia, some of which aren’t. Dementia type problems are perhaps best described as forgetting something you’ve always known – not recognising a friend, not knowing how to work the dishwasher you use every day, not knowing how to dress appropriately. More short term memory problems – forgetting what you did yesterday might be something else – it might not be failing to recall memories but not being able to pay attention in the moment – perhaps because you’re confused, distracted, bored or depressed- so that you don’t have a memory of events to recall.

GPs can do a basic memory test from which they can opt to refer you to a local memory clinic – which he did for us even though she passed the test. But we got that onward appointment because I was able to describe memory problems that were outside the scope of the test.

Again I accompanied her on the first clinic appointment and it was really useful – most particularly because it was really long – a luxurious amount of time and attention for an NHS appointment. A lengthy interview with the both of us then a longer version of the test the GP did with my mum on her own during which time I was interviewed again on my own. There could be causes other than neurological ones for memory probs- depression perhaps that neither the patient or their family might necessarily recognise, side effects of medication etc, etc. so I was grilled quite extensively on all sorts of aspects of her life – situations like being widowed, whether or not she has a social life, whether the house is tidy, whether the fridge is in good order, does she get lost when she’s out and about etc – questions that she might not easily or honestly be able to answer herself.

The upshot was that although theres certainly some sort of cognitive problem and the more we talked about it the more it became apparent that its not really a ‘memory’ issue (she passed the memory tests with flying colours again) but a problem of perceiving time – not knowing if something in the past was a day ago or a month ago, anxiety over forthcoming events which feel imminent even if they’re weeks away – this problem causes a fluster and panic that manifests as confusion in the moment and and difficulty fixing a memory for a moment. That all clear – or rather all clear of what we feared – has been really helpful – her scattiness is just something to get on with, rather than something looming over her for fear it portentous of something worse.

We haven’t got to the bottom of the cognitive-thing yet, but we have been able to discount altzimers / dementia as the cause. That said, exposure to that care environment and advice has been useful – tiny wee tricks we’ve learnt in that world have been really useful – like buying a clock that displays the day and date, which along with a good format of diary and discipline in using it has been a real game changer.

The Altziemers Society have been really helpful – we met a member who was spending the morning hanging around the clinic waiting room – as happy to chat to and help patients as the family accompanying them – and unlike a GP – you can talk to them and they can give you advice and guidance.

Age Concern can be pretty good to and both organisations (certainly where she lives) collaborate and overlap in their support and can signpost you through the steps towards diagnosis and support beyond that.

AND A BIG FAT LOUD EDIT…… IF YOU HAVEN’T MADE ARRANGEMENTS FOR POWER OF ATTORNEY **** DO IT NOW!

Here are some ideas, apologies if this is a bit blunt, however I’m telling you pretty much what my parents set up for/told me (apart from dementia bits). My mum died about 3 years ago and pretty much since then dads vascular dementia started and developed, he is now in a psychiatric ward and to be honest I don’t think he even knows who I am much of the time. (vascular dementia is where bits of the brain close down and you seem to get quite big, sudden drop offs). Dads progression (over about 3 years) was – living at home alone, living at home alone with 4 care visits a day(and a great deal of help from friends), hospital for assessment, old folks home, currently in a psychiatric ward being assessed as he now has some behaviours that are unsuitable for a standard old folks home.

Overall
Make sure there is a will and that you understand their wishes. (leaving money to an elderly partner is not always the most efficient plan, on death a persons assets are frozen till will sorted – so if in a couple all the money is in one name or if there is no will it will take a while to get the money sorted out)
Make sure their funeral wishes are known.
Make sure you know where all the monies/policies/title deeds/paperwork etc are (you may need to sell a house – so stuff like extensions/planning permissions/certificates etc etc.)
Get power of attorney sorted out whilst the person is still capable/legally allowed to give it – it’s cheaper and easier.
FULLY understand ALL the finances/bills/policies etc – so you can make sure the house is insured, bills get paid etc etc. (you may also find that as your parents have stuck with the same supplier they are getting rooked – mine were). (My parents added me as a joint account holder years ago)
Maybe consider getting in a properly vetted private home helps (like a cleaner etc to help out)

On dementia
Try to get doctor/local care services involved and try to get involved with this process, know the people involved etc.
Really tricky/problem one but can you get ‘help’ from trusted neighbours – just to keep an eye – strange behaviour/visitors etc.
You might want to start looking around care homes – to understand cost, assess suitability, note that you my not be able to get into the care home you want when you want so it might be worth thinking about how you manage this(*there was only 1 care home in dads town, others were miles away)

Everything Towzer said. Going thru this now, albeit 400 miles away but blessed with a sister close by mum. Reiterate previous points re power of attorney. Sis periodically reviews current account outgoings. Has picked up ‘vitamin pill’ purchases appearing out of the blue, which have now been blocked. I cannot express how much I loath these leeches……
Perhaps most importantly, never ever let the current condition and your own feelings of frustration and anger obscure who the person is and was. I had a lengthy appointment with my own GP re this area which has helped me enormously. Accept where your loved one is on the journey and be there to hold their hand. Mum held mine when I needed her.

If you think there is a significant problem,I would advise you to have an honest talk with your Mum, and if she agrees, start the process of engaging with your GP and getting a proper diagnosis sooner rather than later.

I don’t know what your local health provision is like, but from recent experience with a relative it could take a very long time (over a year from assessment to diagnosis) and even longer to engage the various support services, if these are required. Be prepared to be polite but persistent.

Start taking photos of memorable places of interest, usefull tool for starting conversations. I was advised to do this by the Altzimers/dementia nurse for my mum and created a photo book which eventually ended up with her when she went into a home. Might have to start one for my dad soon 😐 Been a 13yr struggle……

One more for this:
AND A BIG FAT LOUD EDIT…… IF YOU HAVEN’T MADE ARRANGEMENTS FOR POWER OF ATTORNEY **** DO IT NOW!