There's a man I work with who's in the late stages of dying of cancer and I never know what to say/email when he tells me something about his treatment/condition.

"My thoughts are with you"

sounds a bit rehearsed but I can't really find words that say

'it must be pretty shit where you are now and I think you're holding up really well'

that don't end up sounding like

'it's not long now is it?'

any thoughts?

Why not just say it whether you believe it or not?

uplink – Member
Why not just say it whether you believe it or not?

Because you would be a hypocrite and lying to someone who is dying of cancer.

Just say your thoughts are with them. As they are. Also just say what you have typed in relation to how you feel they are doing. It is all about the honesty in these situations.

I wouldn't say 'my prayers are with you' as it means nothing to me and I'd feel very insincere saying it. Something along the lines of 'my thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time'.

Is his wife fit?

"can I have your bikes when you've gone?"

"My thoughts are with you" might sound 'a bit rehearsed', but that is because it is a phrase which is commonly used. And the reason it is commonly used, is that it works very well.

So use it to express that, well, your thoughts are with them.

Anyway the guy is dying of cancer, do you really think he gives a toss what sort of hackneyed phrase your write.

Stoner, has it occurred to you that wwaswas might be a bit upset about his college dying ? 😐

"can I have your bikes when you've gone?"

I'll get your coat.

"I'm thinking of you" same sentiment (and from what you say, is true) but sounds a bit more natural…

Tough one I know, but I'm sure he doens't mind how you phrase it – as long as it's sincere.

you dont have to be praying to "god" perse?

you can still pray to the woodland spirits, or the dogshit pixies? (the ones who come and clean it off trees where its hung up)

Prayer is the act of addressing a god or spirit for the purpose of worship or petition.[1] Specific forms of this may include praise, requesting guidance or assistance, confessing sins, as an act of reparation or an expression of one's thoughts and emotions.

Just tell him what you think. Seriously. Tell him you're thinking about him or whatever else you think. It may also make him feel more comfortable.

When J was having treatment I think a lot of people didn't know what to say, it's hard – you don't want to say the wrong thing or sound too cheesy.
We came up with a policy and had a 'meeting' with all our friends and just said "if you've got something to say, say it. If you have something to ask, ask." This helped them as much as us, I think. They felt they didn't have to pussyfoot around us, and we felt we could say we were having a shit day or J could say he was in pain or felt awful.

Stoner, has it occurred to you that wwaswas might be a bit upset about his college dying ?

If he was that bothered then I'm sure he'd be able to think of something to say on his own and not have to ask a forum how to put his feelings into words.

When my mother was dying (also of cancer), my mother-in Law (a rather religious person) sent a card saying that she was praying for her.

My mother went nuts. Completely.

actually, I smiled at Stoners post not lol, but a smile. If I was going to be upset by that sort of thing I wouldn't have posted on here…

It is tough, he's pretty pragmatic abouth his situation and I think he knows I mean it and it's not just a way of avoiding talkign about the situation.

you dont have to be praying to "god" perse?

So something like this?

——————————————————–

I am praying for you*

*Prayer is the act of addressing a god or spirit for the purpose of worship or petition.[1] Specific forms of this may include praise, requesting guidance or assistance, confessing sins, as an act of reparation or an expression of one's thoughts and emotions.

——————————————————–
Just so they know your not praying to baby jesus.

I smiled at Stoners post not lol

too right. Lolling would have been in very poor taste.

TBH, I have no idea what to write in such cards because of the same reasons wwaswas has – I have no faith so wont say enything about prayers or gods, and other phrases usually come over as being hackneyed.

I reckon he'd probably appreciate a laugh more than anything 🙂

If I was going to be upset by that sort of thing I wouldn't have posted on here…

No, I wouldn't neither. Anyone who posts a sensitive topic on here, does so at their own risk. Sad state of affairs, I reckon.

The word pray also means "to hope desperately" so to say you're praying for some isn't necessarily a religious statement.

http://www.chambersharrap.co.uk/chambers/features/chref/chref.py/main?query=pray&title=21st&sourceid=Mozilla-search

@GaryLake

It may strictly mean that, but i would imagine 99% would interpret it as having religious connotations.

Anyone who posts a sensitive topic on here, does so at their own risk. Sad state of affairs, I reckon.

try mumsnet if you need a cuddle GG.

Don't say anything you don't believe in. Just talk to him like a normal. He knows he is dying, you know he is dying.

See the football at the weekend? Spurs got hammered! 😀 / 😥

My (our) thoughts and love are with you.

My (our) thoughts and love are with you

urrggh.

If you put yourself in wwaswas' colleagues position, do you think reading that would make you feel any better? Is that what you'd really want to see written on a card from a work mate? genuine question.

try mumsnet if you need a cuddle GG.

I'm fine thanks Stoner 8) I was thinking more about other people – do you know what I mean ?

may the force be with you, always

Does he believe in God? My Mum is a born again christian, and whenever I tried to talk to her about any problems or worries I have had, her response has always been prayer, and as I am not religious, it kind of gets my back up.
I think you would be fine to say you are thinking of him, and after all, he has kept in touch with you, so you can't be doing too bad.

I don't think he's religious and I think if he were it would have come up by now given his circumstances.

maybe it just feels inadequate to me and he understands what I mean (I can't think of anything adequate for what he's facing I guess and that's my problem, not his).

In my experience, treating him like you would have done prior to his illness is favourite. If he is used to you joking around then continue to do so, on the other hand if he is used to you being a miserable sad fecker then do that.

I reckon he knows the score, so the "can I have your bikes response may well" be the correct one, and no where near as bad as it came across above.

I recently lost a friend to cancer. Not experienced that sort of thing before. My advice is to be honest and remember that the person is still a human being.You can have a joke and talk about normal stuff. 'i'm thinking of you' is fine.