One of my best mates is in a pretty dark place. He’s on meds and is seeing his GP but he’s really not well. Im one of the few people he talks to and sometimes im struggling to say the right thing to help support him. Obviously telling him to mtfu etc isnt how you get better and he often turns to me to talk or maybe ask advice. Ive tried to encourage him just to get out of the house, exercise, get a sad light and just talk to him about anything. He doesnt excersise, somedays wont get out of bed, has a crap diet, doesnt sleep well, has pretty useless parents (one is an alcoholic.. the other probably a a drink problem too). He’s single, lives on his own, still has a job.

As a good mate… how can i help him?
Im not sure if he has suicidal feelings (he hasnt mentioned that).. but he was very low yesterday and im pretty concerned….

Buy a motorbike 🙂

Meds are not a cure. They give you a breathing space to find a cure / allow you to remember what it is to be away from the black dog.

The cure is in finding the cause and getting away from it although for some folk the cause does seem to be hard to find and there is a school of thought that it an be biological rather than psychological

Talking therapies are the best way IMO

I’ve suffered with depression previously.

My suggestion would be to take him out in rides, if he is feeling that down he won’t want to go out but almost making him might work. Once he is out he should enjoy himself.

The main thing that helped me is counselling, I felt I had no one to support me when my dad took his life and the whole jump up to being the man of the family was too much. After a couple of weeks counselling I came to realise that I was putting all the pressure on me and not everyone else. It totally calmed me down.

Counselling and doing at least one fun thing a day helped me massively

im struggling to say the right thing to help support him.

There’s two types of help – help to get better and help to get through it. There’s pretty much nothing you can say that will help him get better, it sounds like he’s on the right path by taking his meds and seeing his GP. However, just being around and being his mate will help him get through it, and is incredibly valuable in itself.

As someone on meds and ended up there due to too many years of MTFU, just be as supportive as you can. I’m on the up because “I” want to do it plus getting my meds right (it took a few attempts to find something that agreed with me) and support.
You truly are a good friend if you can lend an ear, as at times that’s all I wanted. I can appreciate it must be really difficult for you to deal with, as when the black dog kicks in you do isolate yourself (I know I did).
He probably needs his meds adjusting or to see someone more experienced than a GP (I am not using the NHS so I can’t comment on how they deal with it).
Good on you for showing concern, so many people think because you suffer from this you should have a cow bell around your neck so you can be avoided.

It’s not the answer you want to hear, but basically, most people don’t. But what they can do is find mechanisms for managing and coping with it.
Unfortunately, mental health provision in the NHS is very, very poor, but there are processes there. Unfortunately it often seems to be the patient that has to really push to get the treatment they need, and even then it may not be what they need. It sounds like he’s already been to the GP (as he’s already got medication) but IMO medication is a temporary coping mechanism and not a permanent ‘fix’. The change needs to be driven by something deeper than that. NHS provide a service called IAPT which can give you a limited number of sessions with a counsellor, which, if nothing else, is a good start. If you get to someone you are happy speaking to. However, the process is long, and there’s a long waiting list. 🙁 Even if someone is having dark thoughts, literally the only way which a person will get priority treatment is if they have a razor blade in their hand at the time of assessment.
IIRC the waiting list is around a couple of months.

Does he have private health care? There is often treatment available in that. It’s also worth him speaking to someone at his work or looking through their documentation – many companies have what’s called an EAP (Employee Access Programme) Which gives employees access to psychological therapies through private practices. Again, it will likely be a limited number of sessions but can be the catalyst that’s needed.

The Charity MIND also have a helpline available – there’s information on their website about an advice line – they can advise you of the help that should be available, and what needs to be done to access it.

From your point of view, I can totally empathise. Looking after someone who suffers from depression is a massive strain. It’s frustrating, isolating, demoralising, and soul destroying at times. But your help to a mate is invaluable. Make sure you have a support network in place – someone you can talk to about your mate. It’s very, very easy to get pulled down into a dark place.
You may not realise it, but you will be being an amazing help to your mate. It sounds like you’re doing everything right – the best advice I’ve been given is to just listen. The sufferer more often isn’t looking for a friend to give them ‘solutions’, they just want someone to talk to. Knowing that you are there to do that will already be helping an infinite amount.
The taboo around mental health is one off the biggest obstacles to overcoming mental health issues.

When I’m depressed (it doesn’t go away completely, and I still have some down spells, but not too bad now on the whole), I like to hide away.

I shy away from public places and hate doing anything that draws attention to me.

Suggest going out for a ride somewhere really quiet, at a quiet time, and point out that it’ll only be the two of you and you can have steady ride and a chat. Also make it easy for him, offer to load his bike up in your car, and wash it for him when you get back – All he has to do is get up and get in the car. May just convince him to get out?

Has he just gone on meds? I’m not been there myself but have supported teenagers just starting on anti depressants. It’s pretty normal to get worse for a few weeks before feeling better/calmer.

In truth there is probably very little you can do apart from have lots of patience and not take offence when shunned. Is he getting counseling? Encouraging him to get a change of scene, maybe something easy like a walk, and (once there) engaging him in conversations about banal everyday stuff is good. I would avoid DIY counseling unless he brings the topic up and avoid banging on about yourself to fill the silence. The last thing he will want with his mind filled with black is your grief too. Helping as a ‘facilitator’ might be good too. If he expresses interest in something positive (like going out to the cinema, joining an exercise class etc) but does not have the energy or inclination to go the next step and make it happen that’s where you come in.

If/when you are concerned about suicide that’s probably time to ring for help. The samaritans would be a good place to start to get advice about services that might help. In terms of self preservation you don’t want to be carrying than concern alone if the worst happens as the self recriminations would be tough.

Good luck. The fact that he has a friend good enough to be worried and be asking about is a great start.

A couple of things…

– For me anyway, telly or internets is not very good – reading is much better. It helps with the loss of attention span, which is one of the things that stops me getting anything done, which itself makes me feel more useless than I would otherwise).

– reading self-help books (while annoying) is actually quite good. It’s not therapy-good, but if a therapist isn’t available…

– a bit of mindfulness/meditation type stuff is worthwhile if that can be encouraged. It helps to stop the negative stuff crowding in, which is good, and also can help with sleep.

The sufferer more often isn’t looking for a friend to give them ‘solutions’, they just want someone to talk to.

This is a very good point. It’s worth adding that (for me anyway) a lot of people’s attempts to be positive backfire rather when I’m not in good shape. Telling me that “lots of people like you!” just causes me to put the speaker onto the loooong list of people who I mistrust because they tell me lies, rather than cheering me up. Asking why someone believes something very negative is probably a better bet than contradicting them about the facts.

Persist. He will push you away and it will be tempting to think you tried but he was not interested. His depression is testing you and your persistence will eventually break through. It’s really hard to do but don’t give up on him no matter how off or unwilling he seems. If he doesn’t want to ride then go round and make him a coffee or get out the dominoes anything to give him the impression that a) he is not alone, b) everyone has not given up on him, c) people want to be with him regardless

One of my Dads best mates got severe depression to the point of feeling suicidal.

Not easy at all. Sometimes it meant having to actively go round to him and trying to get him out to even go for a short walk. Other times getting phone calls in the middle of the night.

Sometimes encouraging (forcing) him to go back to the GP.

Our son helped a lot, just going around with Grandad to play.

Edit: The other bit was supporting his wife. It is not very easy being married to a very depressed person.

3 years later it sounds like he has improved massively, but it hasn’t been easy. Even now I guess my Dad would say he has to keep an eye on him, and still has to instigate most contact.

You don’t realise it but you’re already ding the best thing you can do. You’re being there and being a mate. You’re letting him know that he’s not alone and people care.

As someone who has struggled with severe depression in a very bleak period in my life, a few years back I am immensely grateful to a few people who did this for me. It can’t have been easy for them – in fact it must have been bloody difficult – but they stuck with me even when I’d given up on me.

Now my life is bloody brilliant, and he’ll get there too. And when he does he’ll really, really appreciate the fact that you were there for him, believe me. He’s not seeing things clearly now, and depression can blind you to everything

Good luck. And tell him to keep smiling, as generally it annoys people 🙂

Good advice there.

Get your mate to be like Binners as it generally annoys people. 😉

It’s not the answer you want to hear, but basically, most people don’t. But what they can do is find mechanisms for managing and coping with it.

This basically. Learnt that from 1st and 3rd person experience a while ago.

To answer the question – remain his mate really is about all you can do. Be tolerant, try not to tell him to MTFU, try to get him out of the house a bit even for a walk in the park.

All the folk I know with depression have recovered. Yes its a bit like being a smoker or an alcoholic in that its always in the background but you can become an ex depressive

Slowly. And accepting it is not necessarily a steady continuous progress towards not suffering.

Rachel

I’ve invited him round for Christmas day.. I think hes pretty much had depression for the last 10 years but he’s much worse this year.. Fortunately he’s been to the GP (can’t remember what he’s on.. But also been prescribed beta blockers for his anxiety attacks). Thanks for the advice.. It’s just not that easy for me to get to see him that much (I have 3 young kids) he works evenings as a chef. Will make an extra effort to drag his arse outside over Christmas

Telling someone with depression to MTFU is about the least helpful thing you could possibly do.
There will be times when all you want to do is grab him and yell exactly that in his face, and trying to avoid this can be incredibly challenging. But it’s potentially a very destructive move. If that is a person’s response to someone with depression, then the patient really needs to be distanced from that person, as it’s an incredibly counter productive attitude that can make things worse.

One bit of advice I’ve heard from many people is to not to everything for that person – it’s a very easy thing to do – try to take the load off by doing stuff for them, however that can leave them more time to dwell, and cause them to become even more distanced from reality. The mundane bits of everyday life are some of the things that can help that person keep in touch with their day-to-day life.

You don’t realise it but you’re already ding the best thing you can do. You’re being there and being a mate. You’re letting him know that he’s not alone and people care.

Amen to that! Nothing to add really that hasn’t already been said but well done you for being there and showing concern.

Good on you cloudnine, you are playing a vital role in your mate’s recovery. Some excellent advice here on how you can best help. +1 on the importance of just being an ear to listen rather than offering solutions. It will take time for him to get well but just concentrate on getting him to put one foot in front of the other and he will get there

Perhaps via GP or local mental health charity he get access to a counsellor? Talking therapy has been proven to be just as effective as meds. The problem is finding yourself in a deep, dark place and having someone to help find your way ‘out’ and offering some practical help in taking the first steps – exercise or simply getting outside is shown to be beneficial too. All meds do is stabilise the chemical imbalance that can create the mood-swings but long-term they can also create problems. By simply offering your help, poppping around for regular visits and chats should help as part of that process.

Getting out and about, exercise of any sort. Anything involving friends or a group activity.

The social side of it helps a lot. Exercise itself can help a lot with mental state. It’s one of the best drugs for depression & anxiety.

Wouldn’t just go down the gym. Get out and about. Walking, riding bikes more so (but maybe that’s not his thing). Go explore places. Visit parks. Wander around Nat Trust places perhaps.

Filling life with busy things also to keep the mind busy. Hobbies etc (again, riding bikes 😀 )

Suggest going out for a ride somewhere really quiet, at a quiet time, and point out that it’ll only be the two of you and you can have steady ride and a chat. Also make it easy for him, offer to load his bike up in your car, and wash it for him when you get back – All he has to do is get up and get in the car. May just convince him to get out?

Be careful with this one (from experience) – very easy for the person to feel like they need to talk about things and are being singled out for the ‘chat’ – might almost be better to get him out in a crowd where it’s just general conversations he/she can either participate in or kinda just watch from the side.

Tricky one though. Would have to just play it by ear, it’s easy to start ‘trying’ too hard to get them out back in the wild, so to speak.

The thing is he doesn’t excerise apart from going snow boarding twice a year. I’ve messaged him today and he’s still in bed and doesn’t want to leave his bedroom. I just checked and he’s on citalopram and propranolol

The thing is he doesn’t excerise apart from going snow boarding twice a year. I’ve messaged him today and he’s still in bed and doesn’t want to leave his bedroom

Just to add a bit of levity, and apologies if it’s unwanted but is your mate a double hard bastard?

Ive been struggling with depression on and off for the past few years since a relationship split and divorce went to the NHS doctors and got prescribed citalopram in the end I saw a private counsellor as I got fed up waiting for the NHS referral and that was the best thing I could have done, just being able to talk to someone totally unattached from what was going on was a massive help and between us we could work out what was at the crux of it,in the end I made a big change in my work hours going from a 7day shift pattern of early and late starts to working 7-3 Monday-Friday bit of a money drop but worth it in the long run!

Maybe if your mates a chef he’s working anti social hours and that could be a part of it?

tjagain – Member
Meds are not a cure. They give you a breathing space to find a cure / allow you to remember what it is to be away from the black dog.

This, coupled with:

allthegear – Member
Slowly. And accepting it is not necessarily a steady continuous progress towards not suffering.

Rachel

That.

There’s some great advice above, none more so than just be there for them. I regard myself as a recovering cyclical depressive ( no pun intended) and it’s been a journey that I now feel I am far better for having travelled. I now no longer hold the fear of the low’s, in fact I welcome them, knowing I will continue to grow having learnt something new from those times.

About 12 years ago, I started to live by 3 words: Mindfulness, acceptance and attitude. Choose 2 and the third follows. Works for me but we’re all different and have to ultimately find our own way.