slightly out of date now

What’s got three legs and lives on a farm?

Paul McCartney and his lovely wife heather.

Two nuns in a bath.

1st nun ‘Wears the soap.’
2nd nun ‘Yes it does, doesn’t it.’

That was the first ‘rude’ joke someone ever told me, but managed to bungle the punchline to “Yes it is isn’t it” – we were confused for many a moon about it…

Anyway, thank to Les Dawson
“My mother in law is from Sweden. She has a face like a norse”

Paul McCartney bought Heather a wooden leg for christmas. It wasn’t her main present. Just a stocking filler.

I’ve got a pet Salamander called Tiny…. he’s my newt

2 blondes walk into a building. You would have thought one of them might have seen it.

I just spent a couple of hours at my wife’s’ grave…….. Bless her. She thinks i’m digging a pond 🙂

I saw a bear sleeping in his cage at the local zoo. “what sort of bear is that?” I asked the keeper. “Himalayan” he replied. I said “I can see that, but what breed is he…..”

There’s plenty more where those come from!

A bloke from Edinburgh walks into a Glasgow butchers and asks ‘Can I have a small mince round’ and the butcher replies ‘Aye hurry up I shut in 10 mins’

Same bloke from Edinburgh walks into the bakers next door and asks ‘is that a doughnut or a meringue’ and the baker replies ‘aye you’re right enough’

My girlfriend left me cause I kept touching pasta…

I’m feelin canneloni right now…. 😉

There’s a convent full of stupid people, except for one, and she’s Nun The Wiser.

I was going to tell you my joke about sodium

and then I thought… Na

Retrospectively, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online.
Heinz site a wonderful thing

My new Wombles pepper mill I got for Christmas is rubbish.
Everything is either under ground or over ground.

Some low life just broke into the local store and stole all the coffee and Red Bull. I don’t know how they sleep at night

I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!

I had a happy childhood, I can remember my dad putting me inside a tyre and rolling me down a hill..
Those were Goodyears.

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye

doyathinkhesawus

Si, my new favourite joke! Along with the Wonder violent book one from earlier on.

A recent survey has found that six out of seven dwarves arent happy.

I was chatting to a bloke in the pub last night who had an ear missing, I asked if he wanted a drink, he said no thanks Ive got one ear.

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

A bear walks into a bar and says can I have a pint of …………. bitter please, the barman says why the big pause?

An Englishman, Irishman ans Scotsman walk into a bar, the barman says is this some sort of joke.