2 teenagers (Approx 14 and 16) say they are not being fed at home and are often going hungry (sometimes ‘only’ sandwiches, other times an empty fridge). Their mother has a drink problem, divorced their father (probably the start of the slope) and now lives with a nice enough guy but he’s a bit wet (don’t understand how he is letting this happen). I presume the money is going on drink but even if she had the money making meals is no longer her thing (she once was a good cook / can cook). The mother has been confronted and now (possibly) realising that her lies covering her drinking don’t wash is staying out of contact.

How do I best help these kids? The elder (girl) will hopefully escape soon enough but is trying to get through A levels. She ‘clashes’ with her mother – possibly as she reminds her mother of her ex-husband. The younger brother has been doing well at school but I think this could drag him down (especially if / when his sister leaves).

My ideas so far…
– Give money to the kids ? (will it be spent ‘wisely’ ? Can child benefit be removed from parent / given to kids directly ?)
– Food parcels (e.g Tesco food delivery)
– Outside party involvement – (Social services ?…is this in their best interests ?)
– Ask the young lad to stay with us (he’d have to leave his school, sister and friends and I think I’d find it difficult to deal with a teenager who wasn’t mine).

Further thoughts after writing this…during term time I presume he gets a school dinner (need to check he does) so sandwiches aren’t such a problem?

Anybody dealt with anything similar ? Am I missing anybody else who could help in this situation. A further concern is that it’s hard to be sure about the whole truth but the story from the 2 kids is sounding consistent and isn’t changing.

What’s your relationship to the teenagers?

I.e – Blood relative, teacher, social etc, etc…

I think the advice might be a bit dependant on that…

What’s your relationship with the family?

Forget reasoning with the mother. I have a family member who is an alcoholic and the only thing she really cares about is making sure the beer fridge is well stocked.

I think speaking to social services would be first bet. You may also be able to give the school money that they could spend on food. Most places have cashless card systems these days so the money has to be spent on food.

Social services would be the obvious place perhpas

good on you for wanting to help but sometimes what you can do is limited.

Teach the kids to cook? Ask the kids what they would want?

I second teaching the kids to cook.A great life skill and MAY have an effect on the mum when she sees them gaining independence ?

Contact a charity who give out food parcels so at least they will get fed, but social services would be a good place to start if only for advice.

Social services.

This sounds like neglect, which is one of the most difficult forms of abuse to prove. You should report it to Social work. The kids will both need to be prepared to dish the dirt on the household situation.

The kids are my niece and nephew ‘in-laws’. I think if we can check he is getting a school dinner (even if we have to pay it directly to the school) would be a start. It’s difficult as I’m not that close to them but close enough to want to help.

fubar, you are doing a great thing. Talk to the school, they will be very careful about what they say in reply (theynhave to) but they will genuinley try to help if they can.

Nothing to add but think you are doing the right thing by trying to help out in what is obviuosly a complicated and difficult situation.

Social services.

Every child matters policy exists even though it is being phased out…

definately start with the school. they have direct ties to the social services and should be able to help.

I don’t think your relationship, whether blood or otherwise, comes into the moral obligation you feel you have to help. if you know they are going hungry and they weren’t related to you in any way I think I would still feel obliged to help where I can.

I think I’d also go for contacting the school initially, hopefully to check whether they’re getting school dinners and to voice your concerns.

Are you close distance wise?

a combination of letting them know they can come round for dinner anytime they like, and using that opportunity to teach them to cook as well might be a start – they may well be glad of the chance to get out of a conflict fuelled environment

I’m not in the UK, but in my experience, once social services has been contacted it’s pretty much out of your hands.
Gift cards to places they can buy food might be a place to start

Contact the school direct.Ask to speak with the ECM or Safeguarding Leader. The kids will (Or should) be referred into a multi-agency process to deal with the various issues they face.

By all means feed them and teach them to cook, and make sure they know they can turn to you for a bit of stability. Life will be pretty shitty for them, as they will be torn between their loyalty to their mum and the crap life they’re currently suffering.

+1 for teaching to cook as a way to feed them. See if they want to come over for a weekend?

Look at the school options to start with as an in to Social Services

Social services then you know it’s been reported, also help them personally If you want to.

(A teacher here) School; that will get the PCS staff onto the case, and I think being a support for them, teaching them to cook,look after cleaning etc would also be really good on your part. Good on you, and you will make a difference.

We had a similar situation for a few years before my elder sister died with MS. Her husband had more or less given up on her and the teenage son and daughter were sick of the situation; the family had effectively collapsed. It was very distressing for all of us; we did what we could and I used to drive over from time to time.

The kids learned to go out and buy food and cook and they survived. The daughter is still finding her way (doing nothing) but the son is training as a music teacher and has got a job in a school starting this autumn.

We had a similar situation for a few years as my elder sister lingered before dying with MS. She had a filthy temper and her husband had more or less given up on her and withdrawn into himself and the teenage son and daughter were distressed and sick of the situation; the family had effectively collapsed. It was very upsetting for all of us; we did what we could and I used to drive over from time to time.

The kids learned to go out and buy food and cook and they survived. The daughter is still finding her way (doing nothing) but the son is training as a music teacher and has got a job in a school starting this autumn.

All my thoughts covered above so +1 to

Nothing to add but think you are doing the right thing by trying to help out in what is obviuosly a complicated and difficult situation.

+1 to all the above, but tell the kids before you do anything so they can have their say first. All the best, shitty situation to be in for anyone 🙁

+1 School and social services. This is what teachers and social workers are trained for, they’ll know what to do. Invite them over a couple of times a week for a plate of stew. Good for you being involved.

ok.. I don’t want to rock the boat but I feel someone has to play devil’s advocate here..
Do any of you that are suggesting contacting the authorities actually have teenagers yourself..?
Have you ever met a teenager..?
Surely some of you must have been teenagers yourself once..!?

Teenagers are always starving hungry.. no matter how much they eat.. and they lie, and cheat and steal and don’t think about the consequences of their actions and if they go to the OP’s wailing neglect and hunger, I’m sure he rewards them with those lovely choccie biccies that their mum doesn’t allow at home.. and a fiver each for fish and chips.. and crisps.. and ham sandwiches..

but no.. because their mum has had the temerity to cope with a drink problem at some point in her life.. suddenly all rationality goes out the window..

what about phoning the parents, or paying them a visit..?

‘Hi there, your kids were round again, lovely to see them but bleeding ‘eck haven’t they got an appetite..!!? I thought I had better mention it in case they are spending their dinner money on fags or something and then coming round mine to eat.. you want to have a word though as they’re even suggesting that they don’t get fed at home!! little bleeders.. anyway, how’s things..? are you ok..? how’s your husband..? blah blah blah…’

it’s called community spirit FFS.. if you can’t even speak to your family like fellow humans without your first instinct being to run to the authorities what hope is there for this country..?

this thread explains more about our societies problems than any of the political/terrorism/immigration/education/crime and punishment threads

{We’ve edited out the last comment – as it was too direct! – Mod}

Or, a nicer version of what Yunki is saying: look into their diet. Fizzy drinks and sugar laden foodstuffs make us all ravenous. It may be simply a dietary change that’s required. You could present them with facts like acne, hair condition, generally body issues and lethargy are linked to fizzy drinks.

idave diet innit. the lower gi content will lead to a longer lasting full feeling. so I guess that means no sandwiches; unless of course they are doing some high intensity cardio

what about phoning the parents, or paying them a visit..?

I had sort of assumed that the truth of the kids claims had been checked -but if not hen this is a good way to go surely

to be honest TJ… after I had fired my rant off I went back to see if there was something I had missed in my outrage..

the OP states that the mother has been ‘confronted’ which rang alarm bells with me, but even if the kids are pure as the driven snow and really are starting to feel neglected, then in my mind surely as a family member we would exhaust a few more avenues before involving the authorities..?

“I don’t want to rock the boat”

“pull your corrupt and incompetent heads out of your squalid little arses people “

Flipping heck !!

Thought it was a throughly good post up to that point…. and I hope the OP can take Yunkl’s advice without being corrupted by his last sentence, which goes to ….

“explains more about our societies problems than any of the political/terrorism/immigration/education/crime and punishment threads”

Anyway … OP good luck, best wishes.

hmmm yes… sorry about that.. I was ranting somewhat by the end of the post.. 😳

Before getting down to Yunki’s post I was thinking much the same thing myself. Social services as a first port of call? Seriously?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but I could see that creating a damn site more problems than it solves. I’d say social services should be involved when you’ve exhausted the somewhat more obvious options.

As he pointed out: I can’t think of a teenager alive who’s going to thank you for getting Social services involved, never mind anyone else in the family. And they tend to be not-very-rational but very vocal in their reactions to such ‘intrusions’. Sounds like a sure-fire way to completely alienate them IMHO. Which would be totally counter-productive

I appreciate you’re trying to do the right thing, and its admirable, but heading off to ‘The Authorities’ would I think be a pretty misguided way to do it, without exploring other options first

I’d advise not to involve Social Services.

Was in a similar position during my mid-teens and found they did much more harm than good, despite best intentions.

If you can help out with food then do that. Good luck, it was people like you who helped me.

Whatever you do make sure you maintain a good relationship with the kids as it sounds like they might need that more than anything. As already mentioned ask them how they would like the situation to be resolved and try to take that direction as much as possible and/or involve or inform them of any decision made on their behalf.

I’ve no experience of the authorities in this regard and would ordinarily be wary of involving them, but at the very least I think someone should be informed of the situation and your attempts to help in case wild accusations are made. Seems paranoid I know but it’s a strange world we live in now and (from experience) alcoholics can be very irrational. Sounds like the school would be a good starting point and they should have all the right procedure in place to help deal with this with the childrens best interests taking priority. I would also imagine (hope) that the school are already aware of this at some level so you could help them confirm this and take action.

Whatever happens, good luck and well done for trying to help.

Social Services as an absolute last resort. Feed them at yours every evening, or on a rota with the rest of the family. If their mum is alcoholic she won’t notice they aren’t about. Ask the teenagers what they want to do too.

(Took in godchildren for 6 months while an alcoholic friend was in rehab, she subsequently drank herself to death after drying out. A tragic waste).

Teenagers are always starving hungry.. no matter how much they eat.. and they lie, and cheat and steal and don’t think about the consequences of their actions

Former youth worker here….hideous generalisation that makes me feel sorry for all teenagers who try and get their voices heard by adults who think this way about them. Don’t forget that kids also tend to copy the adults around them.

and if they go to the OP’s wailing neglect and hunger, I’m sure he rewards them with those lovely choccie biccies that their mum doesn’t allow at home.. and a fiver each for fish and chips.. and crisps.. and ham sandwiches..

If their mum is an alcoholic she won’t be giving a crap enough to care whether they are eating choccy biccies or not. I accept your point that cash given directly to the kids might not get used for the right things though.

but no.. because their mum has had the temerity to cope with a drink problem at some point in her life.. suddenly all rationality goes out the window..

The majority of rationality does tend to go out of the window when you are in the midst of a drink problem/addiction, because the addiction is the most important thing in your life.

what about phoning the parents, or paying them a visit..?

The OP said they had tried that but now the mother is avoiding contact.

My focus, FWIW would be to help the kids with coping skills – be there for them, ensure they know they can phone you if things are bad. The grocery cards are a good idea or paying for school lunches. Have them to stay for weekends so they get a break. If you feel the situation is bad enough to call social services, talk to the kids about it first – they may not want that to happen, they may feel that they can cope with support from friends and family. I would also speak to them before you tell school as well – they may not feel comfortable with their teachers knowing their home situation.

Teenagers may be contrary at times, but they are not all sly cheats and liars and manipulators, some teenagers are bright, sensitive and more sensible than the adults around them, and if you talk to them, they will probably be able to come up with some strategies with some sensible adult input that will help them the most. If they say they cannot cope with things any more, then it’s time to call in the authorities I think.

I’m a teacher in a Referral School. This is definately a child protection issue. Write a letter to the kids school stating your concerns. As a matter of course, your letter will be brought to the attention of the School Child Protection Officer who will then decide what to do eg referral to MASH (Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub here in Devon.) YOT, Family support services etc.)

Sounds like a stressful home enviroment for the young people to be in. There are BOUND to be associated challenging behaviours already evident at school. Your letter could be the tipping point needed for the kids getting some real support and help.

If this situation has impacted on school before then a C.A.F. may have been completed. It is all good evidence and will HELP the lifes of the young people.

Go and write your letter now.

sorry Miss Panda..

I agree with what you’re saying entirely but I was adding some melodrama in an attempt to get my point across very clearly..
I think everyone on this thread, myself included, is guilty of interpreting the OP to suit our prejudices..

I’m merely trying to encourage the OP to exhaust more humancentric(?) avenues before leaping to the last resort..
Perhaps things have changed in the last 20 years and it’s more normal now for school and social workers to intervene before friends and family have had a say..?

where is the father in this..?
what are his views..?
how do the kids feel about the possibility of such a severe decision..?

How much are the OPs prejudices affecting his judgerment..?
How level headed is the OP..?
Level headed enough to be making these sort of calls after some advice from strangers on a cycling forum..?

As I said.. someone needed to play devils advocate and offer a different point of view