Even better if you do it on webcam ;-0I have my coat, I'm gone..............
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help/advice for coping..
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Posted 2 years ago #
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stick around with close friends and focus on the things that keep yourself happy. My ex broke things off last month after 3 years, which was a huge shock. We went to uni together and have travelled round europe, did some amazing things. I'm getting through it by keeping myself busy and saying YES to everything. It's a bit cliched, but it's really helping
i've met lots of new people and reforged old friendships because of it. Saying that, i still get really depressed but i've gotta say, that i'm doing ok. I'm sure you will too.
Posted 2 years ago # -
There's some very good and well thought advice from people who obviously have experience. Me? I still think that you need to f***.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Life has thrown you a great opportunity to get out and do whatever you want without having to check in with your significant other first - ENJOY! When I was dumped after a 6 year reltionship I moped for a while, then realised I could get out and ride my bike every weekend! ALL WEEKEND IF I WANTED!!! I had so much fun before I knew what was happening I had got fit, got a big smile, and then bumped into my future wife in a nightclub. Now I have kids, a mortgage and no time to ride.... that's life. Its all good. Enjoy it while you can.
Posted 2 years ago # -
ddmonkey has it.
I was dumped by a fiancée many years ago and I had a tough time for a bit, but I look back now and realise I would have never met my wife, had our kids, had our life etc if I had stayed with the original woman.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Remember that there are bigger things in life to worry about than relationships that don't work out.
You're a smart kid. You'll figure out the right path, with friends and family to support you.
And this place too. I think I owe the folk on here my life....
Good luck!
Posted 2 years ago # -
He just isn't worthy of you, simple. Take a good care of yourself and you'll be fine.
Posted 2 years ago # -
*sigh* It's really weird: at the moment I'm being very positive, talking to flatmates/girlfriends and thinking 'yeah, I'll meet someone else who might actually buy me a birthday present instead of taking me to his favourite burger house'
but this afternoon I was absolutely terrible - didn't go into Uni for what is normally my favourite class, feeling life really not worth living (not because I've been left by a bloke; more because I can't see my future any more and this is something I've always struggled with) and I was so close to doing something silly
I think oh god, which part of me will be in control tomorrow?
kinda wish I had a motorbike- must be a great way of just letting go
Posted 2 years ago # -
STW group ride in Dundee anyone?!
Posted 2 years ago # -
heh, as long as you know of where to go. I may live here but I don't know what the riding is like!
Posted 2 years ago # -
feeling life really not worth living (not because I've been left by a bloke; more because I can't see my future any more and this is something I've always struggled with)
no one can see their future, you need to be more realistic. Accept that stuff can happen outside your control and just deal with the things you can do! Remember that any line of thought that makes you fatalistic is pointless. Life is to be enjoyed.
Posted 2 years ago # -
This will not be the last time you are dumped. Not because of anything wrong with you, just because most of us get dumped a good few times in our lives. It's vital that you use it to work out a way to cope with rejection.
YOur self esteem seems very low and building it up (in my opinion) is the only way to achieve contentment. Get lots of counselling. It helps you gain insight and with insight you can make changes to dysfunctional aspects of yourself. If you can, get CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) which will help you challenge and change negative thoughts that lead to self destructive thoughts and behaviour.
Good luck.
Posted 2 years ago # -
There will be precious few of us who could accurately predict what our future would hold. It's not some great road map which is all laid out and which has well-marked junctions. Things happen. Life is dealing with those things. All we can do is make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at the time. Rather than be upset that things aren't working out exactly as you wished, bask in the pleasure of the new and surprising.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I've been single for ever, had a few mis-guided relationships and found that I really did not need anyone to prop me up. And I'm 45 now and rather suspect being with one or two girlfriends in that past was completely wrong.
You should be out doing all the things you may not have done as a couple, this means getting off your seat and doing things. The very last thing you need in the next two year is another partner IMHO; enjoy being free again!
As has been suggested, physical activities are a top way of getting on with the next phase in your life.
Harking back to what was and what might have been is so utterly pointless. You're a new woman now so don't squander this new found freedom on retrospectives & soul searching; it's on with the New You & no looking back. A change of clothes is always a good idea, a fresh new look for the new you.
As for a motorbike. Na! I raced Ducatis at club level and you don't need a motor on your two wheels. Get some wind in your hair, some panoramic scenery in your sights (this is THE best and most beautiful time of the year in the UK) get pedalling.
Have you joined a local cycling club yet, a swimming club for morning training sessions and maybe start running. Now we're talking! It's all there, you know much of this anyhow, so quit stalling, let's hear about this week's ride and where you went and how it made you feel.
PS The one thing that came out in a recent survey in a cycling paublication to a question about what being out on your bike gives you was..... freedom. Don't squander this new found freedom, it's hugely liberating!
Posted 2 years ago # -
It sounds like a total cliche (probably because it is...) but things often work out for the best - you'll come through this stronger and more confident in yourself, you're now free to think about yourself, take a step back and look at what you want.
It's easier said than done but everyone has been through something similar at some point. And besides, you're far from alone, you've got the collective power of the mighty STW behind you!
Posted 2 years ago # -
STW group ride in Dundee anyone?!
Stuff that, can someone give Miowing-Cat a lift down to Kirroughtree for this weekend's STW group ride please?
Being a bit more serious, you take care of yourself. You may not feel it but you still have one heck of a lot of life to live, and some of us are still very much getting dumped and blown out and things in our 30s. It can be tough but try and stay as positive as possible and things really will work out for you.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I think the problem here is definitely unrealistic expectations. You cant expect to be attached to the perfect person by the age of 25. You cant expect to know what you're going to do and where you'll be doing it. Life changes and throws things at you, the only way to survive it is to take what it throws, laugh it off and enjoy the moment. Plan as far as you can see and don't worry whats further on, you've time to think about that when it comes into sight. Do things you enjoy, do enough to keep a roof over your head (more if possible) and keep you doing what you enjoy and remember that the only thing that life is what you put into it, not what someone else adds, not what car you have, not what house you live in or course you do. Those are just nice additions.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I don't think I understand the mentality of 'freedom' as a single person. what am I free to do now that I couldn't do before??
you're now free to think about yourself, take a step back and look at what you want.
I'm 21! No one at my age knows what they want!
But I take the idea in spirit - gonna get back on my exercise bike for now, maybe biking next weekend. This weekend is for retail therapy and having dinner with my lovely flatmates
Posted 2 years ago # -
I don't think I understand the mentality of 'freedom' as a single person. what am I free to do now that I couldn't do before??
If you really have no idea, then you have a whole lot of great times ahead! Freedom, pure freedom, and it's addictive once you embrace it. Once there, there's a hard choice ahead, as was previous alluded to in another post - you'll then have all the things that will tie you down, things you'll actively fight in order to get back some of this freedom you know so little about. Exciting times ahead!
Why not swap those w/ends about? Ride with the STW collectiv and shop another time, that would make more sense. Your lovely flat mates will completely understand and be thrilled you're getting out of the flat. You can shop and entertain any old w/end. Don't miss ot on the STW weekend away would be my advice for what it's worth.
Posted 2 years ago # -
One hundred woo woo!
Posted 2 years ago # -
because I can't see my future any more and this is something I've always struggled with
... and then....I'm 21! No one at my age knows what they want!
Make yer mind up!
Added you on flickr by the way.
Posted 2 years ago # -
If I lived anywhere Dundee i'd come and cheer you up. I know how you feel.
My advice is to arrange a trip with your mates somewhere (pre-christmas skiing? Val Thorens is completely rammed with uni students - I can't stand it! ;-), but i'm sure it would be good for you).
Don't dwell on that negative stuff, just think of all the good times ahead. At your age there will be tons of good times!
Posted 2 years ago # -
>> group ride in Dundee anyone?!
> heh, as long as you know of where to go. I may live here but I don't know what the riding is like!Thinking about this sensibly - can I please deny all responsibility for encouraging a newly single female to invite a flock of men from the internet to come and meet?
Think that'll stand up in court?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Lots of booze mindless s3x drugs biking mad roadtrips stupidity hedonistic but of course law abiding behaviour more mindless s3x and booze well that was 21 for me and i had been dumped
I've been dumped since, i've dumped since. Its your life so go and enjoy. Waiting for someone to come and complete you is a waste of time. One day someone will turn up who complements you, but you complete you.Posted 2 years ago # -
Hi Kat,
From personal experience, my advice would be to listen carefully to what simonfbarnes and jojoA1 have to say.
I went through my first break up when I was 22, at uni, and suffering on and off from depression. I also knew a girl who suffered badly from depression at the age of 19, and was prone to harming herself. My experiences that I remember from then are that people of your age tend not to really understand what depression is and how deeply it affects how you go about your daily business, your interactions with other people and your self confidence and esteem. Young people are supposed to be bright, active, beautiful and confident and when you don't feel that way it can feel terribly isolating.
I don't know what your counselling involves, but you should seriously consider CBT as jojo recommends. simonfbarnes has self taught himself CBT and I've been for sessions with a therapist.
The ideas behind the therapy are to break down the rules which people who suffer from depression use to justify why they are depressed, and then build up another set of rules which allow us to respond positively to events happening around us. Generally speaking we manufacture our own unhappiness, and using our free will we can also manufacture happiness. CBT teaches you to take your normal reaction to a situation (usually negative) and change it so that you see the positive or logical reaction to it.
A lot of people on this thread have essentially been trying to show you this way of viewing your situation.
i.e.
Situation - your boyfriend tells you he doesn't find you physically attractive and is ending your relationship
Your reaction - I'm an ugly failure with no future and I'll never meet anyone like him again
Reality (how you could "logically" interpret the Situation) - a) your boyfriend may have emotional problems too which he can't/doesn't want to tell you about; b) not everyone is going to find you physically attractive, but that's OK because why should everyone think you're hot? Is it the end of the world if they don't? No!; c) no one knows what the future holds so how can you be certain that there's nothing out there waiting for you?; d) someone, somewhere, will fall in love with you for who you are, and that time will come eventually, and there is no pressure from anyone as to when and how that should happen.
At the end of the day, you are who you are (embrace the positives!) and what happens, happens. As someone once said to me "What's for you won't go by you".
Sorry if the above is a bit of a ramble - I'm not a very coherent writer!
We've all been through break ups and it will get easier with time, we promise! Use your friends and family, stay active, stay AWAY from your ex.
If you want any advice at all about coping with depression, my email is in my profile and I'll do my best to help, as will plenty of others on here!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Turbo training and timetrials helped me bigtime when i was depressed.(found myself thinking to much about my shit life,wanting to end it all,im not worthy of my family,this jobs shit and im bunkn off today.They dont understand me.Didnt want to live till im 40 cause that would suck and i was only 18).You know what im talking about.(shit that goes through your head all day. Yes i was dumped to so to speak..
Most of us has had a major relationship go awol at some point and its real hard to get over it..YOU WILL and you are showing your on the way up by starting this topic. Talking/typing is a good stress reliever so keep writing as its theraputic.Keep yourself busy and stay away from the ex as it will help and change your routine.(thats what i did)
Im 39 now and still cycling,because time and talking are great healers.Never give up in life as there is always something new round the corner.(hope this helps)Posted 2 years ago # -
Kit you get an A for your essay (merit star for bigging me up
Posted 2 years ago # -
Kit - Member
Hi Kat,
KIT KAT!!
Posted 2 years ago # -
KIT KAT!!
Have a break!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Have a Kwik Krap
Posted 2 years ago # -
In all seriousness I don't think I'll understand the 'freedom' thing. My ex introduced to me to loads of new things I don't think I'd ever have tried by myself - I think part of the problem is that I don't really know what I want to to do, at all. Nothing particularly excites me at the moment (which I'm sure is normal after a break-up) but I just get irrational and think that there must be something wrong with me because I used to have all these ideas of things I wanted to do.
Retail therapy involves my mum - I feel I owe her this weekend (she's going away on holiday for a few weeks) after all the stress I've been giving her lately.
I once had CBT on the NHS. I was told that the NHS would not be offering me their services again as I was 'uncooperative' the last time. I don't know whether it was just my therapist, but I don't think she really cared if I got anything out of it or not.
My counsellor on the other hand helped me work through issues I had with expectations of myself and the pressure I felt to always be good and successful. And importantly, she made me feel like she cared about me as a person - she found me interesting and she helped me realise that I wasn't a bad person. I'd rather wait and perhaps this time I can work through my expectations for the future. At the moment I'm taking people's advice and trying not to think too much about it: I do after all have three years of Uni left.
This might surprise people, but I am not going to be using booze. I had some wine for cooking the other day and I drank some at lunch time and it was such a big mistake. I'm a lightweight enough and I'd drank half a glass on a an empty stomach and I was woozey for about 2-3 hrs afterwards!
I don't think it would help my sense of self to go out drinking now. Perhaps in a few months when I feel like I 'love myself' a bit morePosted 2 years ago # -
I paid for my CBT privately, and there are self-help books too. That's very frustrating that you weren't given more of a chance through the NHS
I can't comment on what you're counselling involves, but CBT is not about telling you how great and special and beautiful you are, etc, its about giving you the tools to decide these things for yourself. CBT doesn't give you an "answer" to each problem and doesn't molly-coddle you, it simply allows you to evaluate what's going on around you and in yourself in a such a way that you can gain positive things from them. It requires work and an attitude to help yourself. Simply being told how great you are only works until you're confronted again by something that makes you feel like crap and then it falls apart. CBT allows you to either stop yourself getting down, or if something sets you back it allows you to work your way out of it again.
I don't want to harp on about it though. CBT clearly isn't for everyone. If you can afford it, or your parents are willing to help out, then I would recommend seeking private consultation. At least for a 2nd opinion, and if they think you're a hopeless case then at least you've fully explored that avenue!
Posted 2 years ago # -
I thought the wait for CBT, once I'd heard of it, was too long, so I did a quick google and found this: Feeling Good (£5) - which changed my life
In the book David Burns teaches a few tricks to avoid destructive thought patterns, and a philosophical approach to underpin them. His style is mildly irritating, and doesn't suit everyone, but it's only a fiver
Posted 2 years ago # -
CBT can be self taught. The important part is identifying your automatic faulty thoughts and assumptions that lead you to negative beliefs and actions. Kit outlines an example of a faulty thought process very well.
It's the downward, negative spiraling of our thinking that leads us into depression. This can be challenged and reversed. It takes practise, like any skill or technique.
Maybe your original CBT sessions were not successful because you were not in a fit state to examine your thought processes at that time. The CBTherapist is not there to befriend you and make you feel good about yourself. They are there to help you learn the techniques to enable you not to need other people to affirm your sense of self worth, external affirmation. YOu learn to find that within yourself and from that you learn emotional self sufficiency and self soothing. Obviously it's nice to have it from the outside, but one shouldn't exclusively rely on it to feel worthwhile as a person.
Posted 2 years ago # -
It takes practise, like any skill or technique.
Burns advises you to write down each negative thought and then write a refutation. I did this for 2 weeks, by which time it became automatic and now I just do it in my head. I found it helpful to have a practical thing to actually do, rather than airy-fairy hand waving
With regard to freedom, I'd say you should realise that no one has more time for you than you do - everyone else is getting on with their lives - and there's no need to feel guilty or selfish if you look after yourself, treat yourself and learn to have fun on your own - then, when you come to a relationship, you're not in the least dependent and so able to give more
Posted 2 years ago # -
With regard to freedom, I'd say you should realise that no one has more time for you than you do - everyone else is getting on with their lives - and there's no need to feel guilty or selfish if you look after yourself, treat yourself and learn to have fun on your own - then, when you come to a relationship, you're not in the least dependent and so able to give more
Amen.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Right, this'll probably be my last comment on this thread - at the moment I'm doing okay and am in a good state of mind.
Looking back over the CBT worksheets I was given, I still don't think they're going to work for me. I will probably buy the book suggested though. Maybe I've just been put off by the experience that I had but I'm wary of having to go through the process of finding another person that I can work well with.
I do realise therapy is not therapy if you're just being told you're good and using that to evaluate yourself. I felt it helped incredibly though that there was, at last, someone who believed in me. after all the sh*t the NHS put me through I thought that there was no one who could help or they certainly didn't want to. before I met my counsellor, I felt like I was wasting everyone's time, and none of the staff (apart from a lovely nurse at hospital) ever tried to change that perception
It was very much a struggle - but I think the only reason I got anything out of counselling was because I started (at times) to believe that I could get better. I had to learn myself that I was not a failure who didn't deserve any second chance at life. And reading back I think this is very much just a setback and I'm dealing with it far better than I used to in the past
Once again, pretty amazed by how many people are here to offer good advice. everyone has been wonderful, and it heartens me that there are people who are happy to take time out of their lives to say a kind word. thank you very very much
Posted 2 years ago # -
Kat
read your first post and then a few after, so think I understand the situation. I went through a break-up just before Christmas and took it very badly. Even posted on Singletrack about it a few times!! At the time I felt very desperate about the whole thing. Now I'm quite relaxed about it all after almost a year. It takes time and its really up to you how you spend that time - miserable or happy. Unfortunately I've been miserable about it for a long time and now realise what a waste of time it was.
Anyway my advice is quite basic, try and eat really well, get into the habit of regular exercise and generally have a routine to your day. Don't avoid people and shut yourself away, get out and enjoy meeting people again. Don't look for or force another relationship, just enjoy some breathing space for a while. Try and enjoy simple things in life like a good book, or a walk in the fresh air. Talk to someone who you can share your emotions with.
Good luckPosted 2 years ago # -
kat,i'm not going to offer any advice,i can't improve on ,or add to any of the excellent post from the STW collective.
Reading your posts has reminded me of just how intense we are,when we're young. It really does feel like the end of the world,when you're ditched.
I hope that everything works out for you. Life is great!Posted 2 years ago # -
Or get a puppy to share your life with. Way less complicated than another human!
He'll love you regardless of what you say or what you think.
Failing that, volunteer to do some dog walking at the local dog rescue home / pound.
Win, win & you'll come back to the flat with a real spring in your step. You could maybe even ride your bike out there too.
Less intense, less focussed on you, more on the dog & you don't need a book to fathom it all out.Posted 2 years ago #
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