I am sure some would find it good therapy, I just don't think she would!
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help/advice for coping..
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Posted 2 years ago #
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What I'm really trying to say is try to lighten up and enjoy yourself.
Drink, have sex, ride your bike, watch pron, smoke some wacky baccy, whatever. Just try not to dwell on the sh1t because it happens and it will happen again. Life is also amazing when you let it be.Posted 2 years ago # -
but is a deal-breaker if you're a 20 year old male
the opposite is apparently true of 23 year old females! Not the deal breaking bit, the other bit. Men don't entirely have the monopoly on stupid breakup excuses.
And as somene said, big expensive toys, just bought an MG midget, what ex?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Clearly he found your nature hard to accept and decided he could not continue.
that hits a bit of a nerve. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that. I think if his reason for leaving had been my behaviour, my personality, my values in life etc. I would have accepted that better. He left me because of my physical appearance so says he and I believe he's being honest here, because he found it incredibly difficult to admit to. He says he's the one with the 'problem' and I've already realised that there's nothing I can do to change.
And heh, I will not be going out having random sex, drink and drugs. My behaviour can be awful enough without all those added into the mix
Posted 2 years ago # -
stonemonkey - thanks for the offer, but I don't think I'm ready to go near other men just yet..
Very wise. Ignore the silly comments. Don't get involved with men whilst you are still very emotionally upset about your last relationship. Do not act like a slut, which is a very common reaction for women who feel rejected.
It might make you feel powerful and in control, but it will also make you despise yourself and feel worthless.But do go out and enjoy yourself, and yes, flirt with men that will make you feel better about yourself, and will also provide a useful distraction.
imho
Posted 2 years ago # -
yes, I wish I was a guy in that respect: it must be nice to get so much pleasure out of an object like car or bike..
can't really think what female equivalent would be. I suppose incredibly expensive shoes or mountains of chocolate?Posted 2 years ago # -
Can I just say this thread is nothing without pictures.....
Also, have you wee'd in his shoes?
Posted 2 years ago # -
He left me because of my physical appearance
I think, to blokes and many women in general though there are always exceptions, sex and physical attraction is a very large chunk of a relationship. And tastes change with time. Sure you can go through a relationship loving the person as a person/friend etc but if the physical attraction has gone then you're just good friends and they'll be wanting to go elsewhere for the physical side. So he had only 3 choices;
1 be bored with you physically and lie to himself every day - soul destroying.
2 Sleep around behind your back, or at least want to and feel guilty for it.
3 Say I love being friends with you but I need something else, being honest with both parties.Seems to me that he made the best choice for both of you. Women can covet material things too, I know many women who would buy a fast car or a motorbike before letting a bloke upset them.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that. I think if his reason for leaving had been my behaviour, my personality, my values in life etc. I would have accepted that better. He left me because of my physical appearance so says he and I believe he's being honest here,
I wasn't trying to offend at all - just trying to offer a possible explaination. But if, as he claims, he left you purely because he no longer finds you physically attractive then you have to take that positively. He made a decision as (as said above) is better for you both in the long run and if you are attractive (as you say you are) I doubt you will have trouble finding the right person for you. Remember though - love yourself and people will love you.Posted 2 years ago # -
Remember though - love yourself and people will love you.
Even better if you do it on webcam ;-0
I have my coat, I'm gone..............
Posted 2 years ago # -
Even better if you do it on webcam ;-0
I have my coat, I'm gone..............
Posted 2 years ago # -
stick around with close friends and focus on the things that keep yourself happy. My ex broke things off last month after 3 years, which was a huge shock. We went to uni together and have travelled round europe, did some amazing things. I'm getting through it by keeping myself busy and saying YES to everything. It's a bit cliched, but it's really helping
i've met lots of new people and reforged old friendships because of it. Saying that, i still get really depressed but i've gotta say, that i'm doing ok. I'm sure you will too.
Posted 2 years ago # -
There's some very good and well thought advice from people who obviously have experience. Me? I still think that you need to f***.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Life has thrown you a great opportunity to get out and do whatever you want without having to check in with your significant other first - ENJOY! When I was dumped after a 6 year reltionship I moped for a while, then realised I could get out and ride my bike every weekend! ALL WEEKEND IF I WANTED!!! I had so much fun before I knew what was happening I had got fit, got a big smile, and then bumped into my future wife in a nightclub. Now I have kids, a mortgage and no time to ride.... that's life. Its all good. Enjoy it while you can.
Posted 2 years ago # -
ddmonkey has it.
I was dumped by a fiancée many years ago and I had a tough time for a bit, but I look back now and realise I would have never met my wife, had our kids, had our life etc if I had stayed with the original woman.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Remember that there are bigger things in life to worry about than relationships that don't work out.
You're a smart kid. You'll figure out the right path, with friends and family to support you.
And this place too. I think I owe the folk on here my life....
Good luck!
Posted 2 years ago # -
He just isn't worthy of you, simple. Take a good care of yourself and you'll be fine.
Posted 2 years ago # -
*sigh* It's really weird: at the moment I'm being very positive, talking to flatmates/girlfriends and thinking 'yeah, I'll meet someone else who might actually buy me a birthday present instead of taking me to his favourite burger house'
but this afternoon I was absolutely terrible - didn't go into Uni for what is normally my favourite class, feeling life really not worth living (not because I've been left by a bloke; more because I can't see my future any more and this is something I've always struggled with) and I was so close to doing something silly
I think oh god, which part of me will be in control tomorrow?
kinda wish I had a motorbike- must be a great way of just letting go
Posted 2 years ago # -
STW group ride in Dundee anyone?!
Posted 2 years ago # -
heh, as long as you know of where to go. I may live here but I don't know what the riding is like!
Posted 2 years ago # -
feeling life really not worth living (not because I've been left by a bloke; more because I can't see my future any more and this is something I've always struggled with)
no one can see their future, you need to be more realistic. Accept that stuff can happen outside your control and just deal with the things you can do! Remember that any line of thought that makes you fatalistic is pointless. Life is to be enjoyed.
Posted 2 years ago # -
This will not be the last time you are dumped. Not because of anything wrong with you, just because most of us get dumped a good few times in our lives. It's vital that you use it to work out a way to cope with rejection.
YOur self esteem seems very low and building it up (in my opinion) is the only way to achieve contentment. Get lots of counselling. It helps you gain insight and with insight you can make changes to dysfunctional aspects of yourself. If you can, get CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) which will help you challenge and change negative thoughts that lead to self destructive thoughts and behaviour.
Good luck.
Posted 2 years ago # -
There will be precious few of us who could accurately predict what our future would hold. It's not some great road map which is all laid out and which has well-marked junctions. Things happen. Life is dealing with those things. All we can do is make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at the time. Rather than be upset that things aren't working out exactly as you wished, bask in the pleasure of the new and surprising.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I've been single for ever, had a few mis-guided relationships and found that I really did not need anyone to prop me up. And I'm 45 now and rather suspect being with one or two girlfriends in that past was completely wrong.
You should be out doing all the things you may not have done as a couple, this means getting off your seat and doing things. The very last thing you need in the next two year is another partner IMHO; enjoy being free again!
As has been suggested, physical activities are a top way of getting on with the next phase in your life.
Harking back to what was and what might have been is so utterly pointless. You're a new woman now so don't squander this new found freedom on retrospectives & soul searching; it's on with the New You & no looking back. A change of clothes is always a good idea, a fresh new look for the new you.
As for a motorbike. Na! I raced Ducatis at club level and you don't need a motor on your two wheels. Get some wind in your hair, some panoramic scenery in your sights (this is THE best and most beautiful time of the year in the UK) get pedalling.
Have you joined a local cycling club yet, a swimming club for morning training sessions and maybe start running. Now we're talking! It's all there, you know much of this anyhow, so quit stalling, let's hear about this week's ride and where you went and how it made you feel.
PS The one thing that came out in a recent survey in a cycling paublication to a question about what being out on your bike gives you was..... freedom. Don't squander this new found freedom, it's hugely liberating!
Posted 2 years ago # -
It sounds like a total cliche (probably because it is...) but things often work out for the best - you'll come through this stronger and more confident in yourself, you're now free to think about yourself, take a step back and look at what you want.
It's easier said than done but everyone has been through something similar at some point. And besides, you're far from alone, you've got the collective power of the mighty STW behind you!
Posted 2 years ago # -
STW group ride in Dundee anyone?!
Stuff that, can someone give Miowing-Cat a lift down to Kirroughtree for this weekend's STW group ride please?
Being a bit more serious, you take care of yourself. You may not feel it but you still have one heck of a lot of life to live, and some of us are still very much getting dumped and blown out and things in our 30s. It can be tough but try and stay as positive as possible and things really will work out for you.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I think the problem here is definitely unrealistic expectations. You cant expect to be attached to the perfect person by the age of 25. You cant expect to know what you're going to do and where you'll be doing it. Life changes and throws things at you, the only way to survive it is to take what it throws, laugh it off and enjoy the moment. Plan as far as you can see and don't worry whats further on, you've time to think about that when it comes into sight. Do things you enjoy, do enough to keep a roof over your head (more if possible) and keep you doing what you enjoy and remember that the only thing that life is what you put into it, not what someone else adds, not what car you have, not what house you live in or course you do. Those are just nice additions.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I don't think I understand the mentality of 'freedom' as a single person. what am I free to do now that I couldn't do before??
you're now free to think about yourself, take a step back and look at what you want.
I'm 21! No one at my age knows what they want!
But I take the idea in spirit - gonna get back on my exercise bike for now, maybe biking next weekend. This weekend is for retail therapy and having dinner with my lovely flatmates
Posted 2 years ago # -
I don't think I understand the mentality of 'freedom' as a single person. what am I free to do now that I couldn't do before??
If you really have no idea, then you have a whole lot of great times ahead! Freedom, pure freedom, and it's addictive once you embrace it. Once there, there's a hard choice ahead, as was previous alluded to in another post - you'll then have all the things that will tie you down, things you'll actively fight in order to get back some of this freedom you know so little about. Exciting times ahead!
Why not swap those w/ends about? Ride with the STW collectiv and shop another time, that would make more sense. Your lovely flat mates will completely understand and be thrilled you're getting out of the flat. You can shop and entertain any old w/end. Don't miss ot on the STW weekend away would be my advice for what it's worth.
Posted 2 years ago # -
One hundred woo woo!
Posted 2 years ago # -
because I can't see my future any more and this is something I've always struggled with
... and then....I'm 21! No one at my age knows what they want!
Make yer mind up!
Added you on flickr by the way.
Posted 2 years ago # -
If I lived anywhere Dundee i'd come and cheer you up. I know how you feel.
My advice is to arrange a trip with your mates somewhere (pre-christmas skiing? Val Thorens is completely rammed with uni students - I can't stand it! ;-), but i'm sure it would be good for you).
Don't dwell on that negative stuff, just think of all the good times ahead. At your age there will be tons of good times!
Posted 2 years ago # -
>> group ride in Dundee anyone?!
> heh, as long as you know of where to go. I may live here but I don't know what the riding is like!Thinking about this sensibly - can I please deny all responsibility for encouraging a newly single female to invite a flock of men from the internet to come and meet?
Think that'll stand up in court?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Lots of booze mindless s3x drugs biking mad roadtrips stupidity hedonistic but of course law abiding behaviour more mindless s3x and booze well that was 21 for me and i had been dumped
I've been dumped since, i've dumped since. Its your life so go and enjoy. Waiting for someone to come and complete you is a waste of time. One day someone will turn up who complements you, but you complete you.Posted 2 years ago # -
Hi Kat,
From personal experience, my advice would be to listen carefully to what simonfbarnes and jojoA1 have to say.
I went through my first break up when I was 22, at uni, and suffering on and off from depression. I also knew a girl who suffered badly from depression at the age of 19, and was prone to harming herself. My experiences that I remember from then are that people of your age tend not to really understand what depression is and how deeply it affects how you go about your daily business, your interactions with other people and your self confidence and esteem. Young people are supposed to be bright, active, beautiful and confident and when you don't feel that way it can feel terribly isolating.
I don't know what your counselling involves, but you should seriously consider CBT as jojo recommends. simonfbarnes has self taught himself CBT and I've been for sessions with a therapist.
The ideas behind the therapy are to break down the rules which people who suffer from depression use to justify why they are depressed, and then build up another set of rules which allow us to respond positively to events happening around us. Generally speaking we manufacture our own unhappiness, and using our free will we can also manufacture happiness. CBT teaches you to take your normal reaction to a situation (usually negative) and change it so that you see the positive or logical reaction to it.
A lot of people on this thread have essentially been trying to show you this way of viewing your situation.
i.e.
Situation - your boyfriend tells you he doesn't find you physically attractive and is ending your relationship
Your reaction - I'm an ugly failure with no future and I'll never meet anyone like him again
Reality (how you could "logically" interpret the Situation) - a) your boyfriend may have emotional problems too which he can't/doesn't want to tell you about; b) not everyone is going to find you physically attractive, but that's OK because why should everyone think you're hot? Is it the end of the world if they don't? No!; c) no one knows what the future holds so how can you be certain that there's nothing out there waiting for you?; d) someone, somewhere, will fall in love with you for who you are, and that time will come eventually, and there is no pressure from anyone as to when and how that should happen.
At the end of the day, you are who you are (embrace the positives!) and what happens, happens. As someone once said to me "What's for you won't go by you".
Sorry if the above is a bit of a ramble - I'm not a very coherent writer!
We've all been through break ups and it will get easier with time, we promise! Use your friends and family, stay active, stay AWAY from your ex.
If you want any advice at all about coping with depression, my email is in my profile and I'll do my best to help, as will plenty of others on here!
Posted 2 years ago #
Topic Closed
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