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help/advice for coping..

120 posts & 49 voices | Started 2 years ago by miaowing_kat | Latest reply from Ti29er

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miaowing_kat - Member

Hi, I'm sorry this is going to be a long post but I'm getting desperate and there's a lot to explain:

I am recently split from bf of 3years - was very much a 'floor pulled from underneath you' experience. I was told that even though he loves me, he sometimes finds me attractive and sometimes he's not turned on by me at all. he could no longer live with that etc. so decided it was for the best.

I've coped... OK for the first week. It doesn't help he's an absolutely lovely guy and I saw myself getting married to him in the future..
So I'm heartbroken blah blah and I can't eat or sleep properly, I feel completely unattractive, not right in my own body, and I feel like my entire future has just been wiped out.

And unfortunately my behaviour is deteriorating: I'm going back to bad habits (I had to take a 'year out' due to depression) - I'm finding I don't care about things, can't concentrate on my work, having tantrums when I'm on my own etc.

And I've just started back at University - after they agreed to let me back onto the course because I was able to prove to them I had sought counselling and was able to be stable in a working environment. At the moment my behaviour isn't disruptive as such, but I'm already finding my work suffering a bit.

I have contacted my counsellor (who I had finished working with a month ago) but I haven't had a reply - I think she might be away on holiday for three weeks..

So now I'm rather lost. I can't get a hold of a therapist, I can't ask my parents for support (my mum is wonderful but I can't have her go through the experience again. I don't want to call her and make her worry when she can't physically get to me) I don't really know people at Uni, and I don't want to be a burden on the two friends I have. The ex is trying his best to be there for me but also distance himself so it's quite difficult for him as well.

I really don't know what to do and I'm terrified I'm going to get worse and get kicked out of Uni again and I'll have let everyone down.

I'm really really sorry to post this but I feel I need to get it off my chest if nothing else. I feel very isolated at the moment and was hoping people might be able to offer advice or insight from similar situations..
thankyou

Posted 2 years ago #
simonfbarnes - Member

1) Believe in yourself
2) Don't base your self esteem on what other people think. You know your good qualities, focus on those
3) We're more resiliant than we think

I spent 30 odd years being depressed on and off, not even realising what it was. It's a big waste of time & life.
I've been in the same situation, more than once.

Posted 2 years ago #
coffeeking - Member

I can't offer an insight or advice but I can hope you get your head around this and dont get taken down too far by it. I'm fairly sure that there's very little anyone can tell you that'll help, but chatting about it will help for sure. I'm sure you're aware that it probably has nothing whatsoever to do with anything you've done and that sometimes people just grow apart, but that doesnt help much. I think if I were you I'd try to bury myself in the Uni work and use that as a distraction, while finding an MSN mate to moan to, even if you don't know them that well - the anonymity might help you say things you wouldnt to a friend or family member? I'd offer an MSN ear but I can't always be available at fixed times.

Posted 2 years ago #
Bunnyhop - Member

You're going through a type of bereavemnt.

Try not to see the ex. if possible. You need space and time to collect thoughts together.

Cry, it's really great to have a good wail.

Have you a really close girlfriend to talk to, who has been through something similar?

Good luck. Time is a healer. You will get through this.

Also Simon ^^^ has some really good points.

Posted 2 years ago #
buzz-lightyear - Member

Well you just broke up with someone - so it will hurt whether you have had previous episodes of depression, or not. I guess you are worrying that this may begin another depressive episode.

Yes, your tendencies may still be there, but suspect it will be different this time. You are a different person now.

Do something about the isolation (you must be uptight if your posting in here). Mums worry anyway and I'm sure she'd prefer that you shared your experiences with her than bottle it up. Do keep trying to get hold of your counsellor. Do mention to it to your uni mentor and explain what you are doing to cope and for them to keep an eye on you (they also have a duty of care).

Oh and do find someone to cycling with regularly. Exercise and being outside does wonders for distracting me from emotional upset and regulating my mood.

Best of luck, and don't worry about posting on here during this tricky time. Just do it.

Posted 2 years ago #
ourmaninthenorth - Member

1. I suspect he's wrong and, iun time, he'll have realised what a terrible mistake he's made. Men are weirtd like this - don't ever believe that don't get all hormonal as well.

2. though you think it, you've no reason to doubt yourself. Try to think of it like this: jyst because one person can't see your qualities all the time, it doesn't mean that (a) no-one else can and (b) you can't.

3. If you can't get hold of your usual counsellor, you do need to sopeak to someone else, whether they're your GP or a university counsellor (or one out of the phone book). If you know that counselling work sofor you, don't be afraid to reach oiut to another branch in the interim until you can see your regular counsellor again.

4. Do tell your mum. Honesty has real value. Be honest with yourself, too.

5. It will get better.

Now, go and buy a large bar of chocolate and eat that. There isn't much else legal that has the same chilling effect for me....

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

did I also mention I'm as stubborn as a mule - and I can't accept his reaons? It's all the worse because I haven't done anything wrong and because I don't have a penis I can't understand why it's such a big deal for him. he was attracted to me as a person; he didn't always have the sexual desire. that to me is just something to work with but is a deal-breaker if you're a 20 year old male

Posted 2 years ago #
stumpy01 - Member

Sorry to hear that - it all sounds a bit heavy, especially as you are just starting back at uni....

It's hard to give advice on this kind of thing as everyone is different. When I was at uni there was an information & advice centre that was pretty good - do you have anything like this you could make use of? Even if it's just to sit down with a cuppa and 'unload'. Talking always make me feel better, anyway.
When I've been in those kind of situations I have always found that the best way to cope is to immerse myself in work/friends/social life etc. join some uni clubs, volunteer to help out at things - don't know what, but something that keeps you busy and gives you satisfaction while you are doing it - perhaps volunteer at an animal rescue centre or something??

As for being a burden - your friends will probably want to be there & help.

I get the whole can't eat/sleep thing too where relationships are concerned - it just kinda passes after a while and things go back to being normal again. You just have to get through it.

There's lots of people on here with plenty of good advice (I just waffle) so I expect someone will be along soon to say something far more useful/profound/life changing than i have just managed.

It's very cliched, but it does get easier and one day (in the not too distant future) you'll get to the end of a day without thinking about this person once & know that things are heading in the right direction.

Oh, and I have always found that staying in contact with the person who has hurt you just makes it more drawn out & hard to deal with. Try to distance yourself as much as you can.

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

okay, I'll tell my tutor tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers she understands..

I like the idea of going out biking. (my leg muscles are wasting away) unfortunately, it was the ex that got me into it and I still haven't managed to find anyone else to go riding with. If anyone lives in the Dundee area (or wants to ride glentress at the weekends) gimme a shout

Posted 2 years ago #
iDave - Member

you don't have to accept his reasons. you have to accept that life is hard. then you have to make a decision not to let something someone else has done, thought or said mess you up. its not something to feel, its something to do - decide to be ok. The alternative is to decide to be not ok. Phuck him and his dick - figuratively. people make you feel how you allow them to make you feel. make a positive choice to be ok, and move on. this is experience talking.........

Posted 2 years ago #
simonfbarnes - Member

did I also mention I'm as stubborn as a mule - and I can't accept his reaons?

it doesn't work like that - we're all volunteers in relationships. His reasons only have to make sense to him (and he's not obliged to be truthful). You can't expect to say "x, y and zed, so we're back together QED".

Posted 2 years ago #
stumpy01 - Member

Woooahhhh.....just seen your last post.
As difficult as it is, don't try to rationalise the whys/whats/why nots etc. as you won't be able to. Well, I have never been able to......

There will always be questions that you can't get the answer to.....don't let them go around and around and around - as difficult as it is, you need to stop thinking about the reasons.

You have stated his reason above - for all you/he knows he may have a medical issue. There is nothing that you can change about his behaviour/feelings and just because he feels how he does, that doesn't mean that anyone else will feel the same way.....

Right....time for a cup of tea & some cookies that I found in the kitchen earlier.......back in a bit.

Posted 2 years ago #
LoulaBella - Member

I know it feels rubbish, my fiance left me when our baby was 5 days old. .I should have known something was up when he cancelled the wedding!!!
He was 20 and I was 22. I dropped out of Uni at 21 when I fell pregnant. I was so devastated and felt doubly gutted cause I was single and a single Mum, oh and my body had gone to pot after carrying a 9lb baby (never felt so unsexy in my life!)
5 years on and im about celebrate 4 years of happy marriage to an amazing bloke and have 2 kids now.
Its been tough and I too have suffered terrible depressive episodes for about 12 years. My son has also turned out to be severely autistic,doubly incontinent and needs 24 hour care and I sometimes hate his Dad so much for leaving me and Joel. The main thing is that there are good blokes out there. You will meet someone who will totally love you whatever and find you sexy all the time (can get tiresome but its lovely).

Posted 2 years ago #
iDave - Member

single female mountain biker actively seeks riding friends via interweb forum.....

5,4,3,2,1........... cue creak of opening floodgates

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

I honestly have trouble with the idea of deciding to be ok. I don't want to let go of him yet and I'm worried that if I'm ok I'll forget about him. I don't want him to think he's made a mistake and then found I've already moved on, even though I know very well that it would take years and years for him to ever reconsider/regret his decision! That sounds really really stupid...

And thankyou very much for all your replies. It's incredibly comforting to be given advice from people who are more experienced in life. I'll try take some of it onboard

Posted 2 years ago #
ernie_lynch - Member

All those feelings you describe miaowing_kat, are very normal and to be expected in your situation. We've all been there - well at least I certainly have. It's all part of life's rich and varied tapestry of experiences, and something from which you eventually emerge from in one piece and stronger. As they say : 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

There is no magic cure - it's just something that only time can cure. You can of course help to speed things up. I would suggest that you avoid all contact with your ex, persist in seeking counselling, speak to your mum - that's why she's there, keep busy - go out with friends, distract yourself etc, avoid all alcohol, and eat small amounts often.

But just remember ..... that 'time' will cure the pain.

Good luck

Posted 2 years ago #
RichPenny - Member

Try not to focus on the future too much, just concentrate on what is in front of you. In this respect, I've found biking very helpful. It stops your mind circling the unsolvables (or you'll crash!) and the endorphins are good for you. I bought a turbo trainer for the times when I couldn't get out and it proved to me that exercise in general is key for mental health.

I know it's hard initally, but you have to speak with your friends and family about how you feel. Just getting the issues out in the open will help. I absolutely guarantee you will be more able to cope if you can do this. People like helping each other, so you're actually doing them a favour, not being a burden.

Posted 2 years ago #
LoulaBella - Member

Yep ring your Mum, thats what Mums are for. I know what you mean about not wanting her to feel like she's too far away to help. If it wasnt for my Mum I would have never have gone out with my husband on our first date.

Posted 2 years ago #
RichPenny - Member

That sounds really really stupid...

Sorry to be blunt, but it is. Been there, got the t-shirt and it's **** rubbish! You can't move forward like that, the only person in life you need to make happy is yourself.

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

I'm happy to ring when I'm not feeling too great.. but I can't bring myself to ring her when I'm in a state. I have deliberately overdosed in the past and she now gets panicky if people phone her late at night etc. I resort to ringing the ex because that's what I used to do and when I'm in a state I'm obviously not at all rational.

loulabella, your post is very inspiring and does genuinely give me hope

Posted 2 years ago #
ernie_lynch - Member

I'm worried that if I'm ok I'll forget about him. I don't want him to think he's made a mistake and then found I've already moved on

Don't "hang on" ............. that's the worst mistake you can make

If he's screwed up ....... that's his problem - not yours.

TBH, not letting go and hanging onto false hopes, is what everyone tends to do. And something which he might very well encourage - to leave his options open whilst he sees what else is available.
DO NOT fall into that trap - move on !

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

to be fair to him he's tried making it clear that I should move on, I deserve better and all that.. but I don't want him to end up alone either

Posted 2 years ago #
ernie_lynch - Member

He's no longer your problem.

Look after yourself and don't try to 'save' him from himself.

You'll never win if you try....... believe me !

Posted 2 years ago #
Hadge04 - Member

miaowing-kat - Hang on in there - it does get easier and better - I'm 5 months on from the same experience of being told "you're not wanted" and was feeling exactly how you're feeling now. It gets easier to deal with as the weeks go past. Listen to the suggestions to get out on your bike - it helps. Don't try and see your ex, it just makes it continually difficult. And talk - whether it's your mates, your mum or your councellor or on here. Good luck.

Posted 2 years ago #
stumpy01 - Member

I don't want to let go of him yet and I'm worried that if I'm ok I'll forget about him.

This hit a chord - I seem to remember feeling like this about someone while at uni, but it's kinda like chasing your tail.
Don't worry about the forgetting him part if you are OK - you probably won't ever 'forget' him completely but you will move on and other things/people etc will become more significant. You will probably need to 'forget' about him a bit to move on. And you don't have to try to forget, you just will.

Without wanting to sound 'lecturing' or whatever.....uni is such a great opportunity to learn stuff, meet people, have experiences, do things you wouldn't normally do. Please don't let this stop you making the most of your time at uni.....
.....there are things I wish I had done differently while at uni & once you've done it - that's that.....you can't go back.

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

can we be friends at a later stage?

he says he'd like to be friends after we've had time to heal. will the 'what if?' feeling go away if we don't manage to find other partners? I'm not worried if either of us finds someone else, but if we both remain single, will the temptaion still be there or does it go away completely?

edit- the great thing is, I'm repeating my year. so I have three years left: plenty of time to have fun!

Posted 2 years ago #
BoardinBob - Member

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

The reason i ask is when I was younger (I'm 31 now), even as a male I took break ups badly. As I got older I became desensitized to it all, to the point where my wife says I don't have a heart, I have a small black pebble. In all seriousness I took it very badly but got through it all at the cost of now being utterly devoid of all emotion!

Top tips I can give you

1) Avoid running into the ex. Avoid places you'll know they'll be or may be so you "accidentally" run into them

2) Don't call or contact them. Delete their number and email address.

3) watch every sad film and listen to every sad song and get it out your system

4) Do something that will make you laugh. A comedy club is a great place to go.

5) Keep yourself busy and set goals for you. It's a big shift going from doing things as "we" to doing things as "me"

6) Don't underestimate the support and help from your parents. It's at times like this you realise they are your best friends in life.

Posted 2 years ago #
coffeeking - Member

The last thing you need is your ex being around. It's his problem he chose to leave. He chose to leave for his own reasons, those reasons must have been strong enough to overcome any feeling he had for you. That doesnt mean its something wrong with you, but it does mean that he has actively chosen something else over you because his feelings have changed. Peoples feelings change over time, it's perfectly normal. Painful, but normal. Talk to your mum, mums would always rather know than not.

You're a bit far away from Glasgow for a chat but I'm sure it could take your mind off it if you'd show me round glentress at some point, so feel free to yell if you're headed down! And before the commens come, I'm already attached!

Posted 2 years ago #
RichPenny - Member

can we be friends at a later stage?

Who knows? It's possible, but not easy IME. You 100% cannot be friends now though, so don't worry about what might happen later on.

Posted 2 years ago #
stumpy01 - Member

erm..........perhaps, but probably not would be my immediate answer and in the amount of time it takes you to both move on to a point where you can see each other as 'friends' and not worry about 'what he's been up to', 'is he seeing someone else', 'why hasn't he returned my call' you might not even be that bothered about being friends.

One of my best mates (who seems to have very bad luck in relationships) was with a girl for a while. She ended it and he was still real keen on her. She wanted to be friends, but he clearly wasn't ready for it. SHe used to ring up, tell him about this, that and the other and it used to do him no good at all.

If it's something that you do want - it needs to be on your terms, and only once you are 100% sure that you can deal with it.

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

I am 21. very young I know. first love and all that. luckily we do completely different courses so there's not much chance of us running into each other.

It's a big shift going from doing things as "we" to doing things as "me"

yes, I've found that especially hard. grocery shopping is a rather sad and much duller experience

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

mmmm. I must say I'm being a terrible ex-girlfriend. he has been very good and tried to minimise contact but is always very civil when I call him up and yell very angry things in his ear.

think I might take the advice and delete his number. I know it off by heart but if I have to type it in maybe it'll make me think twice..

Posted 2 years ago #
ernie_lynch - Member

can we be friends at a later stage?

Yes - definitely.

But not for a very very long time (sorry ) ..... when all the pain and passionate feelings have gone ..... about 2 years.

I know that sounds like an eternity (even a couple of days does - right ?) but that's how it is. So do yourself a favour, and break all contact with him - move on and get on with your life.

Posted 2 years ago #
tails - Member

Gee I'm not gonna read all these essays, but I might have a different angle on it. I often lose my attraction for people don't really know why I wanna love someone but maybe I never will. I think the best way to regain his attraction is to show him what a great person you are, next time he calls round go on a bike ride rather than talk about your emotions if he don't wanna go, go on your own.

Perhaps evaluate what made him think your a hottie in the first place and has it gone downhill since, example did you two have a big group of friends who socialized regularly but over the past year, you two just stayed in doing **** all.

I only ever really digged one girl, this Japanese lass from uni she wasn't conventionally as good looking as what I'd normally like, but she didn't give a shit and was so smart played piano, was doing great at uni, could run marathons, didn't go with the crowd. Basically what I'm saying is do what makes you a great person those things you gave up for him or things you wanna do, go do them and I reckon he'll come back because he'll think your great.

In regards to uni is it definitely what you wanna do and does it have good prospects. I studied furniture design and making for 4 years got a job after but two years later I'm unemployed and may has well not bothered doing either uni or 2 years work it means jack all (can you tell i'm bit pissed off) so are you doing uni for you and are you going to earn good cash afterward if not consider other options. I thought uni was the be all and end all it really ain't.

Lastly I would go glentress but don't live anywhere near it loads do though so I'm sure they'll take you out, I could chat to you on MSN but I'd only complain about being jobless. Good luck with it all and heres a video of wade simmons sure to bring a smile to anyones face

Posted 2 years ago #
tails - Member

haha i wrote an essay as well

Posted 2 years ago #