Pretty simple and purely theoretical. But can we build a bike that everysingle component will induce fits of apoplexy?

They don’t actually have to work togetherr. So with that inmind….

Frame- le monde tete de Course Ti/Carbonframeset – clearly the carbon will explode and the ti will crack.

Forks- steel because its for luddites and its heavy.

Mudguards – any mudguards will have the desired effect.

Wheel size- 650b upfront 26″ at back (one tubeless the other a 29er tube)

Brakes- canti on the front Avid hydraulic disk on the back.

Anything hope in the fluorescent colours they do.

Shirley you need to include a GXP BB.

Quill stem

Stem – one of those three-tonne adjustable angle things. …..

…..

… on a massive pile of spacers.

Bar ends.

Do your wheels the other way around… 29 at the back, 650b up front.

Drivetrain wise, fixie or 3 x 7 with a screw on cassette., shifter manufacturer to not match derailleur manufacturer.

I take it fixed gear is a given?

surroundedbyhills – Member

Quill stem

Quill flexstem.

Gel filled saddle cover from Sports Direct for 3 quid.

One of these:

Have you lot been looking at my bike?

bar ends

…on a riser bar.

But fixed gear is light whereas alfine 11 is heavy…. also ficed gear leaves only one brake type to argue over.

make it electric with a huge f*** off battery and a really loud whining when its going

Surroundedbyhills is goood at this!

Where is the most offensive place to mount a mirror.

Riser bar with bar ends or offroad drops with the cinelli aerobar thingumies

Isis cranks, BioPace rings, Girvin flex Stem.

The drivtrain must never be maintained in any way, so it’s orange with rust, and squeaks like a distressed hamster.

Add a Lefty. But make it old school headshok…

One of these:

Especially as its on the wrong side!

What about rider attire?

side-car

What about rider attire?

Suit trousers with clips, Hi-Viz and massive helmet with camera on top.

mismatched tyres, logos/valve not aligned.

Bike to be photgraphed in an unkempt garden.

Attire? full Pro road kit, full face helmet and a camelbak.

White cable ties that have been left uncut.

different colour brake and gear cables that loop out uncontrollably at the front.

Toe clips…

Naturally its all going to go on top of a car to a trail centre driven by an above average driver with 9points.

Haven’t Orange being doing this for a while now?

‘Made’ by a car manufacturer.

Land Rover
Audi
BMW
Trabant?

Give it a frame shape other than diamond. Y bike or that paperclip thing.

Mismatched coloured tyres and rims.

Add Spokey Dokeys and a huge ring ring bell or clown horn?

Seized budget suspension forks mounted back to front with rust on the chromed stanchions.

Hub gears with triple chainset and front shifter.

Gumwall tyres

Don’t forget timetrial bars.

And a horn

and a phone mount

and a big bell

and adjusters for suspension, etc – fork, rear shock, dropper

Hope QRs

titanium spokes

flex stem and linkage fork.

and of course, a Kirk magnesium frame

Or just look for inspiration here

http://yourbikehatesyou.blogspot.com/

I’d suggest a Slingshot frame.
Coda disks.
Kronolog seatpost.
Powa DFender.

can the mismatched wheels have Enve rims please? ideally in pink.

Neon frame tape.

this bicycle will definitely need a crocheted top tube pad.

Can it have one of those bottle cages on the back of the saddle too?

Some big decisions to be made here…

Wicker or metal mesh basket?
Front or back wheel for bottle dynamo on tyre?
One or two leg kickstand?
Niche headbadge or built in bottle opener?