Why? WHY? WHY?

Please make it stop! It’s like reading a train wreck. “We’re all doing really well!”

NO YOU ARE NOT

It includes PHOTOS!!!!!!!!@£$%&*())_

It means they don’t actually want to talk to you to relay all this good news. So be thankful for that.

Send them one back with lots of made up facts about how well Tabitha is doing at her piano lessons.

My gran’s husband’s son’s family send one that’s done completely in appalling rhymes. Double sided A4 with columns and Copperplate font.

😡

Erm ……… Just don’t read it maybe?

How awful.
Keeping in touch, sending photos and telling you how they are.
BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Humbug.

I would write about myself but do laugh at the cr@p people write.

Hey at least someone sent you a Crimbo letter or card this year while some received nowt!

Maybe we should write a crowd-sourced round robin. Then the OP could astound and horrify his friends ad relations. Binners might also provide some suitable graphics and the “King of Gifs” Jamie could provide some animations.

I’ll start

Dear

It’s great to hear from you again. My carer read your interesting news to me after breakfast.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20810452

I hope it was printed in Comic Sans..

How did Tarquin get on with his A Levels?

Edit. We got one this year written from the perspective of the family dog.

Jon1973 – are we related?

We get a good one from my… er, miscellaneous relation, second cousin? Wife and 3 daughters write one, which is lovely and full of heartwarming airbrushed perfect life stuff, as these things always are… He writes an annotated version which he sends along with theirs, to a certain audience that says things like “Do you have any idea what a ******* horse costs to fill up?” and “everything in the third paragraph is just made up, did you notice it’s the only part that doesn’t have a photo?” “Yes we did go to the olympics but we couldn’t see a bloody thing, so Mrs watched it on TV later then sort of overwrote her memory of the day with the video footage”. “WE are well provided WE doesn’t include me, I am falling apart, did I tell you about my piles? Well just in case…”

*likes this ^

It’s like reading a train wreck. “We’re all doing really well!”

NO YOU ARE NOTPerhaps they are actually and you just feel jealous, or are in need of some sort of counselling?

Dear

It’s great to hear from you again. My carer read your interesting news to me after breakfast.

Angela’s syphilis has improved thanks for asking and the dog is making a speedy recovery too after the incident with the vacum cleaner.
Roy has just turned 9 ……

And IS Jemima doing really well at the acting studio?

The sadly-departed Simon Hoggart used to gather examples of these in his Guardian column in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

?Of course, not all holidays are glamorous. One family went on a Mediterranean cruise. “Food was OK, but they had had the norovirus, so staff served it wearing rubber gloves. Finding a sunbed unoccupied was impossible. Plus they had three deaths on board.” On the other hand, she records, “the cabin crew folded towels into shapes, of a monkey, turtle etc”.

Back home, he lists the gigs they attended. There were none. “We nearly got to see Ginger Baker, but were busy, so we missed him.” His wife, invited to contribute, records only that “she did mostly the same as last year, so doesn’t feel the need to add anything”.

There is the fellow who provides a minute-by-minute account of his day, beginning with, “Rise at 7.12 to the sound of Radio 3, down to the kitchen to make the tea, kettle having boiled on a time switch. Put in milk until the reflection of the light in the cups is covered. Take it up to the bedroom, pour two cups. Turn on TV and watch breakfast until football comes on. Janet gets up and gets dressed . . .” He continues with a namecheck for the brand of electric razor he uses, his health breakfast (“half a banana and eight grapes”) and on to Sainsbury’s for the high spot of the day, shopping! Followed by “a cup of coffee and a bun, or biscuit”. This man’s wife must be crawling up the wall, because she comments, “I think we are stuck in a rut.” He replies, “Well, it’s a lovely rut!” Of course, she may have shot him before this year’s letter got written.

A mate of mine used to send these out, but as he was basically ‘Mr Considerably richer than Yow!’ it was really a list of holidays they’d been on and who they’d coerced into babysitting their kids while they were away.

So one year, another mutual friend included the below in HIS Christmas card. I don’t know if he sent one to Mr CRTY or not, but it was so good I scanned and saved it for posterity, and now share with you.

**

I may be small but I’ve been abandoned that often by my parents that I’ve learnt to read and write all by myself. I’m very excited about Santa, although I heard dad telling mum to manage my expectations, whatever that means. Can you believe that pair? I’m only three and they’ve abandoned me eight times this year already!

We spent New Year in the Crown, in fact we spent most of the year in the Crown, because of Daddy’s work, I think he sells drugs or something. I love it there, there’s always plenty of crisps and pop to help me with my energy levels and I can twist the old folks around my finger. All I have to do is start screaming and someone fetches me some hula hoops, but what they put it my juice I don’t know, although it must be good, because daddy keeps muttering something about reassuringly expensive. Maybe it’s some kind of medicine, because it always sends me to sleep.

In February, Granny and Grandad came to look after me because mum and dad had simply had enough and wanted a break. In March they went away to Ibiza and shaun looked after me, which was nice because we didn’t have to tidy up or anything, we had chips every day which shaun cooked himself in a big heavy chip pan on the edge of the stove. He’s done cooking at school so my dad said he could cope and he was right.

In April mum told me about the Easter Bunny’s accident, so we got no eggs at Easter, but just after Easter he had recovered and there were lots of chocolate eggs in our house, and some of them were quite nice once you scraped the green stuff off. Then we went to my favourite place in the whole world, PoundStretcher. Mum found lots of nice things to buy and put them in the buggy under my blanket to keep them safe, then forgot to give the lady some pennies, but she said she’d do it next time.

Mummy and daddy went to a place called Thommo’s Wedding in May, and shaun was on a camp for boys with unique talents, or special needs or something, so Mary and Annie looked after me. We went round the neighbours trick or treating, even though it wasn’t Halloween, but we got lots of money when we held out our hands and sobbed, like Mary suggested. One nice lady even gave us tea, so we went back there every day after that, until some men from the social services started asking us questions and we ran for it.

Samantha looked after us when mum and dad were in Majorca for June and July, on a business trip I think, but it was quite hard for her as she was revising for her GCSEs, so she bought about a ton of sweets and plugged the video in. This was the month I decided I didn’t need nappies anymore, and also the month we had the carpets cleaned. Mary took us collecting for Penny for the Guy, which again went surprisingly well for so early on in the year, and we were able to have McDonalds every day for about 3 weeks on the proceeds.

In August dad said we had to move, and had to move today before the next family arrived. The next family were moving in that afternoon. They were called the Bailiffs I think. We didn’t have time to organise a proper party but mum managed to sneak us in to some kids party at Brewster Bear’s fun pub and we had a wonderful time. I ate more chicken nuggets than is probably good for me, but I diluted them with some luminous green pop, so that’s all right. We lived in a caravan until we found another house, but had plenty of house hunting trips to Sherburn Road, Sacriston, and the Ford Estate in Sunderland (boring) until we finally found a lovely 5 bedroom house right in the centre of town. The funny thing is, we’re not allowed in any of the rooms facing the road, and none of the lights in the front of the house work either, only those in the back, and the big heavy curtains are never drawn. But never mind, dad says we can draw on the walls if we like, which is pretty cool.

We were lonely when we moved but things got better in September when I started Play Group. All the other boys and girls are really friendly and share their lunch with me, but they are all a lot bigger than me, even though they are the same age. Most of them have white teeth, which is a bit weird, but it’s OK. The teachers insist on washing me every morning and some of the other mothers bring in bin liners full of clothes for me and my brothers and sisters, which is really nice, although dad says we don’t need their charity and sells them all down the market.

October came and my third birthday, but mum and dad were away again, this time to a place called Effin Munik Beef Estival or something. They said they were off to Lidl for some bread, but I heard Grandad talking to Grandma. Anyway, I had a good birthday, although daddy had promised me I was old enough to go to the park on my own when I was three, but granddad wouldn’t let me cross the main road.

In November we moved again, but this time to Grandma’s house and without mummy and daddy who are seeing the world which is what “on the run” means because Annie told me. I hope they come back soon, although it’s nice here, we eat 3 times a day and have new (new!) clothes and we’re allowed to put the heating on if it’s cold.

It’s now nearly Christmas, and I’ve written my Christmas list. There’s not much on it, I just want a toothbrush because I’ve never had one. I’ve stopped believing in Father Christmas now, shaun told me it’s mum and dad who don’t buy you any presents, not Santa.

Merry Xmas

Billy