I wasn’t saying that anyone should try to ‘match a statistic’ (hell, I break most ‘norms and averages’ in life 😉 ), but rather to show that there is a really wide range of frequency.

Similarly, I wasn’t ‘defending the woman’, but rather saying it is an issue for BOTH to address.

Overall, it is a question of difference, rather than either person being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Whether or not the OP can accomodate that difference within his relationship, or whether to attempt to resolve it through counselling, is probably something only he can answer (with no blame on either side)

Yep Solo, read the thread, so he’s gone a few weeks without sex, and?

really, so what?

it’s not like your going to die is it?

Yes. From exploding testicles. And after a few weeks there’s no telling how far and wide the fallout will be…

Facts are, some girls just don’t want it. Works both ways too, I know girls in the same situation as you.

The more you pester her for it, the less she’ll want it. And do you really want to have sex with someone who is only doing it to placate you? I couldn’t imagine anything worse…..

The cause could be anything – chemical imbalance, you don’t do it for her, painful, she’s having an affair….

To me, ‘hot lovin’ is important and its something that would make me question a relationship. If she’s not willing to talk to you about it then the emphasis is on her. If she said ‘I don’t fancy you and I just don’t want it’ or ‘I wasn’t held enough as a child’ or whatever her reasoning then at least you have an understanding as to why. You can then make an informed decision.

As it stands, she’s not willing to discuss it with you and its affecting how you feel about yourself and your happiness. Life’s too short for that…..

OP – are you in love with your girlfriend?

Similarly, I wasn’t ‘defending the woman’, but rather saying it is an issue for BOTH to address.

The problem is that the OP seems to be the only one willing to address the problem and it is his girlfriend who is refusing to acknowledge that there is anything wrong. Empathy needs to work both ways.

To have needs that weren’t EVER met ?

It’s not really a need tough is it, it’s a want. And the OP has to decide if his want of having sex more often is greater than his want to be with this girl.

All relationships contain a certain amount of compromise.

Woody – Member

“Similarly, I wasn’t ‘defending the woman’, but rather saying it is an issue for BOTH to address.”

The problem is that the OP seems to be the only one willing to address the problem and it is his girlfriend who is refusing to acknowledge that there is anything wrong. Empathy needs to work both ways.

I was reading the OP as believing the problem is all the womans fault when it may well not be. Indeed the pressure he is putting her under is counterproductive.

OP – are your sessions good when they happen? Or do they only happen if she’s consumed just the right amount of alcohol to conquer her inhibitions or whatever else is underlying?

I was reading the OP as believing the problem is all the womans fault when it may well not be. Indeed the pressure he is putting her under is counterproductive.

Quite.

Get her pregnant, and then when baby is born sex will be the last thing on your mind for a few years 🙁

molgrips – it’s not necessarily as easy as you say, so your point does not stands IME.

I didn’t see the OP as pressurising her, he’s just expressing his needs – and for him it appears they are needs, rather than wants.

Decent troll: 6/10 for effort.

A option to take the pressure off her.

Non penetrative sex for a while – tell her that you are not expecting penetrative sex but still want kisses and cuddles – take the pressure away.

She sounds really lovely, BTW, and sex IS important, but it’s not worth junking a relationship over, is it?

tbh – I’m stunned it got to 2 years long, sack her off quick sharpish.

I like the way that the fact she’s not interested in sex seems to be a problem that requires some form of treatment in most peoples eyes 🙄

It seems that that these days it’s OK that you want to have sex with people of the opposite sex, or that you want to have sex with people who are the same sex, but there must be something wrong with you if you don’t want to have sex with anyone.

Well most people want sex, and therefore those that don’t are in the minority…

i’ve never had the greatest sex drive. I think this is due to having a thoroughly devout first girlfriend from 17-19. I had to be like a saint due to fear of her dad and his crazy shotguns. May be that she has had something similar prior to you coming onto the scene.

I posted about a similar problem in the spring last year. The difference being that I am married to the person who has sex with me every 13 weeks, and have two lovely kids.

So assuming your GF does not have major issues with depression/uncertainty about her own sexual identity/ past abuse and that you are not a smelly tactless numpty and that she genuinely has decided she is happy with the amount of sex she is allowing, then I’d run away fast. Or you will be in my shoes.

Some women genuinely just do not want sex that much, and they need to be with a bloke whose drive is similar, not you. Just looking at the women’s posts on this thread should show you the range of what is normal.

Sex isn’t just about squelching and coming, it is about communication, intimacy and openness and sharing. Some couples don’t shag much, some don’t talk much, some don’t hug much, but if there is an asymmetry in what you want it is doomed.

I always liked sex, and had a reasonable amount pre meeting my wife, sex then tailed off fairly rapidly, and was in little bursts of activity every few months, but I loved her and our life and we got married despite this being an issue.

20 years down the road, feeling well-fed but unloved I finally stopped turning down opportunities and rediscovered that many women want sex just as much, or more than many men. I’m in my second affair at the moment and had more sex in the last year that in the previous 20 years. And it helps communicate, and we talk more openly and it just shows me how empty of an important aspect of my life the last 20 years have been. And my current GF would like to do things that I wouldn’t. I am the prude, the limiting factor. And she is not a slapper, just a normal healthy woman.

And I will be leaving my wife, and I don’t really know if I will end up living on my own or what. But whilst I have enjoyed much of the last 20 years, and would not be without my kids, I really really wish I had realised what an issue infrequent sex, and what it meant about our relationship, was going to be, and sought someone else.

Well most people want sex, and therefore those that don’t are in the minority…

… and therefore being in a minority means there’s something wrong with you?

Flaming pitchforks, buckets of drugs and intensive CBT sessions at the ready then?

I’d love to work on this, to talk it through but it seems for her there’s no compromise. Despite me telling her how important it is for me, she’s not been willing to try to change anything, not willing to try anything new and the more we talk about this the more she shuts down. Communication would be the key but I’ve tried countless times and it’s clear she does not want to talk about it.

[quote]I’m getting fed up of feeling rejected. My previously high confidence is starting to take a knock big time. I feel like less of a man now than when we first met. As a result of all the frustration I’m becoming irritable, snappy and moody when around her – which doesn’t help the situation one bit.[/quote]
TJ – I see your point but those statements from the OP sound more to me like he has tried the unpresuurised, caring approach (and he obviously does care a great deal to have endured this for so long) and he has had in return ‘It’s just that she says she’s not bothered about having sex and never has been, not with anyone’. Is he just supposed to accept that when it is obviously having a major impact on the relationship?

I’m not saying that, but it’s not like she said at the start “BTW I’m not really into sex, once every quarter if I must” (AFAWK).

And I’m no expert but:

Some women genuinely just do not want sex that much

I’d bet the majority of them have issues they don’t want to deal with.

but it’s not worth junking a relationship over, is it?

I think it can be.

My brother met a girl and fell in love. She said ‘no sex til we get a flat together’.

They got a flat together.

Then she said ‘no sex till we get engaged’.

They got engaged.

She then said ‘no sex until we are married’.

They got married.

Then she told him she had no inclination to have sex, that it had been so long she was no longer interested and that he could expect never to have sex.

So he sh@gged her best mate who was also his bosses wife.

😀

Still – he saw the error of his ways and mercifully left her, remarried and now has two beautiful teenage daughters.

Yep Solo, read the thread, so he’s gone a few weeks without sex, and?

really, so what?

it’s not like your going to die is it?

🙄
I wrote you a response then realized its not worth it.
You just need more time.
Perhaps go back and re-read the OP.

Overall, it is a question of difference, rather than either person being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’
Correct, I agree.
Its seeing the difference, then each party deciding what, if anything, they can or want to do about whatever issue a couple may face.
Spot on !.
🙂

The more you pester her for it, the less she’ll want it. And do you really want to have sex with someone who is only doing it to placate you? I couldn’t imagine anything worse…..
For that very reason I’d never suggest or practice pestering someone for IT

Either it happens for the right reasons, with both parties genuinely wanting to, or in my book, it doesn’t happen.

But thats no reason to suffer for the rest of my life.

People, we are told, are free to seek their happiness.
For the OP, this may be more hanky-panky.
For the GF, it may be less.

All that remains is for both to find a match.

The one major caveat being…You can’t give what you don’t have.
If the OP can’t get along with less sex than they feel they need.
Then theres an issue.
If the GF can’t be intimate more often, then again, it is an issue, without putting blame on either party !.
imo.

Indeed the pressure he is putting her under is counterproductive

Telling your partner you have an issue which involves them.
Isn’t putting pressure on them.

Its called being part of a couple.
One persons problem is a problem for both.
Its a partnership.

I’m starting to get a whif of Troll from TJ’s direction.

My brother met a girl and fell in love. She said ‘no sex til we get a flat together’.

They got a flat together.

Then she said ‘no sex till we get engaged’.

They got engaged.

She then said ‘no sex until we are married’.

They got married.
Where to start?
No offence but I assume your bro isn’t a rocket scientist? 😀

No troll solo. Its about attitudes. As much I am asking questions / trying to show a differnt viewpoint as giving answers.

Its as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so and the solution is in finding out why this situation exists and looking for ways to change with it as much as saying she needs to want to have sex more often.

Non prescriptive, non pejorative ways of looking at issues

have her followed . . . .

No offence but I assume your bro isn’t a rocket scientist?

He isn’t, but he did love her dearly and to be fair she was the loveliest and most caring ginger woman who couldn’t keep her mouth shut for more than 5 seconds person I have ever met.

I wonder whether any of the people suggesting it’s a bit harsh to split with somebody because of no sex – or suggesting that maybe the person with a normal sex drive should change – have ever been in a situation anything like the OP. If you want to have sex, but your partner has no interest, why isn’t that a reason to split? What other alternatives are there if nothing has changed despite discussing the issue and they see no reason to do anything about it despite making clear to your partner how unhappy such a life is making you?

I see your stats Sue – but they don’t appear to address the question of whether the people are happy with that little sex.

As for pressuring the other person, the trouble is that any attempt to discuss the issue or move on gets seen as pressuring, so the only alternative is to do nothing (and it can be incredibly difficult to get away from doing nothing, when it seems easier to ignore the issue rather than make things worse).

most caring ginger woman who couldn’t keep her mouth shut for more than 5 seconds person I have ever met.

And he still shagged her friend 😀

Its as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so

Yeh right TJ – he’s just an unfeeling sex beast. How could he be so uncaring as to want sex more than once very couple of months 🙄

No troll solo. Its about attitudes. As much I am asking questions / trying to show a differnt viewpoint as giving answers.

So, she isn’t pressuring him to have less then ?…….

You can turn that one either way you want to with a high probability of an out break of flaming.

Lets not, eh ?.

In an attempt to be fair to both parties, imo.
Surely they should go find what best suites each of them.
Which, it would seem, isn’t each other.

Desperategit.
Good post, I’ve known a few people who have had very similar experiences to yourself.
I hope you find what you’re looking for, but don’t worry about the future and whether you’ll end up on our own.

It is, as it shall be.

sex is a poor substitute for the real thing

And he still shagged her friend

8)

Yes – and lost his job.

Its as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so

Ah – so he’s the one who should change. Do they still prescribe bromide – maybe I should get myself some?

ts as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so and the solution is in finding out why this situation exists and looking for ways to change with it as much as saying she needs to want to have sex more often.

I think when you start apportioning blame, you’re on a hiding to nothing anyway.

Couples need to get along. The no sex thing is a big issue for the OP. That’s fair enough, if its making him unhappy and she’s not willing to discuss it, then it sounds like little can be done.

anothergit – Member

“Its as much his fault for wanting sex allthe time as hers for not doing so”

Ah – so he’s the one who should change. Do they still prescribe bromide – maybe I should get myself some?

No = not at all. read the rest of it.

Its about understanding why the issue has arisen and looking for answers to it without blaming anyone or telling anyone what they must do

20 years down the road, feeling well-fed but unloved I finally stopped turning down opportunities

I suspect if I had any opportunities I’d do the same. Unfortunately my options appear to be staying as things are, or moving out in the hope that I might find a way of meeting somebody (though I’ve absolutely no idea how). How on earth do I even make that jump when it seems I’ll only upset the kids and be even less happy myself?

ts about understanding why the issue has arisen and looking for answers to it without blaming anyone or telling anyone what they must do

But she doesn’t want to talk about it? What then?

You are missing the point once again TJ in your attempt to see both sides.

The OP is already compromising as he has no choice. His girlfriend has made no attempt to compromise or alleviate the situation, or even discuss it.

In my book that makes her to blame for the fact the OP is considering ending it.