Sitting having dinner tonight I was trying to get my 3yr old son to eat carrots by telling him the age old adage that they would help him see in the dark. He looked me in the eye and told me to “just turn on the lights”. Can’t really argue with that! Anyone else got smart assed kids?

Youngest son of an ex-girlfiend (Who is still a very dear friend!) ran up to me recently, in a church, before a christening for a mutual friend’s son.

In a non-stage whisper, that only a child can muster, he shouted, “CFH, are you my mummy’s boyfriend?”

It’s rare that I am lost for words.

“why does that man have a black face?”

In a non-stage whisper, that only a child can muster, he shouted, “CFH, are you my mummy’s boyfriend?”

could have been worse

“CFH, are you my daddy ?” or “CFH, are you my daddy’s boyfriend?”

About 3 weeks ago my 5yr old son spotted a dwarf in the supermarket. Unfortunately he was only about 5 yards away when he asked ‘Dad, is that even a real man?’

I think some of my subsequent advice must have sunk in, because when we saw a dwarf couple at Braehead yesterday all he did was keep looking at them and trying to follow them.

Klunk, later the same day, after the Christening, the self same child grabbed my leg, wouldn’t let go. Would, however, scream, “Take me home with you!”.

I feared the next sentence would be, “You’re my daddy now!”.

😯

Daddy why does that man look like a monkey.

Daddy who is jimmy savile

My two boys were having an indepth conversation today about hiding inside a girls vagina for years and years and years…..

I was chatting to a mate I’d bumped into in the supermarket, his wife and 3 yr old son were walking towards us when mum says to his boy, ‘go run to daddy’, he charges towards us and practically rugby tackles…..me!

Friend’s daughter said she wanted “a pony with a strap on” for Christmas.

Her sister then wanted “a puppy with a strap on”.

They may be surprised on Xmas morning.

In the swimming pool changing rooms Rose came out with ‘look, man rubbing his nipples’. In the pool, she wanted to stand on the hot bit where the warm water comes in but a woman was standing there, ‘lady, go swim up and down please’. Hmm, we have work to do I think!

One of my girls said that there was a ‘half Marion’ happening today – turns out she meant ‘half marathon’… 🙂

Me: ‘I spy with my little eye, something beginning with F’

My 4 year old: ‘fecker’

Me: ‘wha?’

My 4 year old: ‘ha ha not really daddy, is it fish?’

Me: ‘hang on a minute’

yossarian, i did an actual LOL at that 😆

At a party a few years ago, the hosts’ young kid wanted to help so the parents had him go round handing out snacks. They told him to tell people they had cheese in them.

Cue the kid going round with a tray, then as the guests bite into an offering, innocently blurting out, “they’ve got jizz in.”

I was told by my 2 and a half year old, with a proper beady eyed stare and pointing and everything
“You, need to forage for your OWN food”
Second time she has told me this week, I mean, I know times are hard but…

We got told by the pre-school teacher that at “circle time”, where the kids share something with the group, our lad shared:
“when you go skiing, don’t eat yellow snow”.

No idea where he got that from!

DrP

By the pool in portugal a couple of years ago, my 3 year old son said ‘I hope I don’t get stung by an eskimo’. I assume he was talking about a mozzy as opposed to the business scruples of the Inuits!

I was explaining to my 6 year old daughter why I say ‘bath’ when she and the wife say ‘barth’ and she said ‘It must be much easier to learn northern than english daddy, as you just say it like it’s written’ !!!

My wife was very proud of her!

Recently woke up to find my 2.5yr-old daughter’s face about two inches from mine – “you have a lovely forehead, daddy”.

Odd child.

When we lived in Oman, daughter (about 3 at the time) would look at locals, point and politely mention their ‘Mucky Face!’.

at about the age of 5 my daughter said to me

“Whys it called an I-pod? It should be called an Ear-Pod. You don’t wear it on your eyes.”

I couldnt give a reasonable explanation.

Teaching my 3 yr old daugter big fish little fish listing to techno in the car she invented two more techno dance moves, little cow, big cow and little kitty, big kitty with appropriate moves she also makes the devil sign when metal comes on the ipod.

yossarian, i did an actual LOL at that

me too..

my kids don’t do or say anything humorous as they are far too busy being geniuses

My 12 year old has just told me that she is the oldest she’s ever been! 😀

My eldest boy used to say “round of the claws” instead of round of applause. We let it ride as it was lovely.

Someone else’s kid, came up to Rose, who was holding her toy giraffe, and said

“that’s a nice giraffe”… (thoughtful look)… “you could kill it and eat its meat”

Last weekend our 2 boys stayed the night with my parents.

The next morning my mum told me about a conversation she’d had with Ben (7).

Ben – Granny is cock a rude word
Mum – Not really it’s just a silly word. It means a boy chicken.
Ben – Why would someone call other drivers a boy chicken?

Busted 😳

While at a christening, a friends daughter was staring up at the church roof all the way through the service. After a while of studiously surveying it, she nods confidently and announces “Yep. Definitely big enough to keep a giraffe”

My eldest daughter calls me turbine hill head. As if she was going to put a wind turbine anywhere, my big baldy bonce would apparently be the perfect site. I’m quite flattered that she thinks I have some practical use

Standing a in a que behind “yoof” with trousers round his knees.

“Daddy, i can see that man’s pants!!!”

Stifled giggles from myself and other people in the que.

“Daddy, that man’s got flower’s on his pants!!!”

PMSL at that point.

Me and the wife were horrified last week as we were chatting with our boy about school

“i don’t like Louis daddy”

“why not son”

“he’s got a black face “

WOOOOOOSHHHHHH errrrm how on earth did he come out with that !!!!

My 2 year old daughter bolted up to a gentleman in a wheelchair and at the top of her voice went “why have you got wheels, where have your legs gone?”

Thankfully he thought it was quite funny and he actually took the time to explain it to her.

My 7 year old has been getting a confused introduction to the facts of life from other kids.

He came into lunch yesterday and told us there was a frog in our toilet as the tadpoles which came out of his wotsit had made it grow in the loo!

Dropping my 5 Year old daughter off at school the other day she starts to tell her friends mum (who is highly attractive) about her Daddy’s willy.
Her: You know my daddy has a really big willy, its much bigger than Ben’s (My 3 year old boy)…
Me: Nervous laughter
Her: He can make it grow…
Me: Look of shock and starting to go red.
Her: It gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger……
until he can wrap it round a branch and swing from it like spiderman.
Me: Bursts out laughing and breathes a sigh of relief wondering where the hell she was going!

When the wife asked the 3 1/2 year old why the 18 month old pooed more than him, his reply was “Because he has shorter legs”.
I can only assume he fathomed this because of me saying all his food had gone down into his legs.

Eldest (then about 3) used to point and shout in sheer astonishment at women in tights “That lady’s got black legs!”.

Since starting school this term my nephew has started to refer to anything that is a smaller version of something else (like his small toy bus as opposed to his large toy bus) as “Lower Case”. Obviously got some of his dad’s typographic genes.

At a pals house yesterday, his daughter asked:

Dad, are you a bastard?

I, and his wife, couldn’t stop laughing! (this didn’t help!)

😆

A friend’s child after going to the loo
Mum: Did you wipe your bum?
Child: Yes
Mum: Anything else? – Hoping for washing hands
Child: Made a plan to defeat Emperor Zurg….

Actually, I’ve just thought of another…

My other boy came in the sitting room with a mark on his face. On asking how he hurt himself, his reply was “I jumped up and burnt my face on the light bulb”.

Went to visit some relatives a while back with the (then) three-year old rocket jr.

The relatives have four daughters who have no concept of the word ‘tidy’ you have to watch your step when you walk in and move magazines/clothes/makeup/remote controls/plates/cups to one side before you can sit down. The house is like a bomb site.

As he walked in Rocket jr asked in a loud voice ‘What’s happened here?’

😆