I saw my neighbour jogging at midnight.

I said, “It’s a bit late for you Michelle, isn’t it?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she replied.

“That’s not what I meant, you fat cow.”

I saw my neighbour jogging at midnight.

I said, “It’s a bit late for you Michelle, isn’t it?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she replied.

“That’s not what I meant, you fat cow.”

Lollercopters!!! 😆

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot

A carrot

(off Chris Evans yesterday)

what can a yoguhrt pot do in two weeks what australia can’t do in 200 years?

grow its own culture

a 30stone woman goes to the gynecologist. she sits in the chair and the doctor begins to poke about. after a minute or two he asks the large lady to fart.

“is this normally part of the procedure?” she asks

“no, i just need to orientate myself”

(works better in german)

(probably got this from here)

Girl involved in a car crash and bangs her head
Paramedics arrive and one of them examines her briefly while she’s still in the seat, them holds out his hand

him “Can you tell me how many fingers I’ve got up, love ?”

her “Oh my god, I’m paralysed !”

two nuns in the bath the first nun says ‘wheres the soap?’ the second says ‘it does rather doesn’t it’

[edit]got it wrong [/edit]

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this TV on sale. It was only £1 because the volume was stuck on full.
I couldn’t it down.

Two nuns riding through an old part of town on their bikes, over cobbles

I don’t normally come this way said one

I usually wear the soap out in the bath says the other

whats orange and sounds just like a parrot..

a carrot

Two old dears sat on a bench.

“Isn’t it windy?”
“I thought it was Thursday.”
“So am I, let’s have a cup of tea.”

I’m just getting into snail racing.

I bought a special racing snail but it just wasn’t fast enough, so I removed its shell in order to save weight.

It didn’t work though. If anything, it just made it more sluggish.

Two owls playing pool. One owl plays a foul shot. Other says “two hits”. First owl says ” two hits? Two hits to who?”

Top tip.

Don’t confuse laxatives with viagra. It makes you crap in bed.

Two nuns walking across the square when suddenly a streaker runs past them. One nun as a stroke, the other wasn’t quite quick enough…

Gosh, nun jokes now? Ok.

A nun is getting changed when there’s a knock at the door.

In a state of undress, she shouts “who’s there?”

“Blind man,” comes the reply.

Reassured, she calls, “come in.”

The door opens, and a chap walks in. “Nice tits, sister, where do want this blind?”

Whats the difference between a kangaroo & a kangaroot ??

A kangaroo is an Australian marsupial.

A kangaroot is a geordie stuck in a lift…

(Takes coat off hanger)

two fish in a tank.
one says to the other “you man the guns, i’ll drive”

My granny caught me masterbating this morning, she was that shocked she had a stroke!
She hasn’t half got soft hands…..

My new Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn’t be a problem in a loving relationship.
I still wish she didn’t have one though…

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choir boy.

Ohhh here it is..

My granny caught me masterbating this morning

She was quite shocked
I wasn’t expecting her to wake up

Mine from the previous page Luke! Cheeky bugger.
.
Anyway, how do send a baby astronaught to sleep?
Rock it.

Mine from the previous page Luke! Cheeky bugger.
.

Flattery is the best form of impersonation. Or something like that.

Getting deja vu now.
I heard you could get pills for deja vu, but the company making them went bust coz people thought they’d already taken them.

True story:

Scouse kid “£5 to look after your car, mister.”
“No thanks. My dog in there will do that.”
“Can it put out fires?”

Class response ! ^^

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb…
Just one, but it has to really want to change.

How many Freudians to change a lightbulb ?

Two. One to change the bulb while the other holds his cock err, the ladder

How many Freudians to change a lightbulb ?

Two. One to change the bulb while the other holds his cock err, the ladder

Freud eh, if it’s not one thing it’s your mother

Two snow men in a garden, one says to the other, ” Can you smell carrots?”