I’ve been banned from B&Q. I asked one of their staff for ideas for my garden and he said I needed decking.

so I punched him.

what have george michael and a pair of wellies got in common?

they both get sucked off in a bog

why are there so many tree lined avenues in france?

the wehrmacht prefer to march in the shade

Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?

They put the willies up each other.

Why did the monkey get lost?

Jungle is massive.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said ‘You’ll drive me to my grave’.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

From a Christmas cracker:

What’s white and fluffy and swings through the jungle? A meringue.

To be honest it’s probably better than the punch line was supposed to be.

Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Put a bet on 3 horses today – Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. Not one winner. I blame it on the bookie

That is inspired….

Why do mice have small balls?
Because not many can dance.

Why don’t you see many elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m sick
Why what’s wrong?
I’m f#####g my sister

(Another mildly homophobic one, I apologise…)

Did you hear about the gay wizard?

He vanished with a puff.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her as a choir-boy.

What’s white and fluffy and swings through the jungle? A meringue.

To be honest it’s probably better than the punch line was supposed to be.

A meringutan, presumably.

3 women are attempting to swim the channel, 1 ginger, 1 brunette & 1 blonde.

The ginger goes first, she swims half way runs out of breathe and drowns.
The brunette goes next, she swims three quarter’s of the way runs out of breath and also drowns.
And finally the blonde goes, she swims half way starts feeling a bit tired so decides to swim back. lol

When the kids in the playground first discovered I had a possibly fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to push me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with a packet of Revels

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious!

(courtesy of one liner supremo Milton Jones)

Did you hear about the two elephants that fell off a cliff….

Boom , Boom

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Boom boom tish…

There was an English cat and a French cat. The English cat was called ‘one, two, three’ and the French cat was called ‘un, deux, trois’

They were really competitive and decided to see who was the better cat by a race swimming across the channel. Anyway, the one, two, three cat won because the un, deux, trois cat sank…

I met a Russian Doll yesterday.

She was full of her self.

Have we had the

” what’s brown and sticky joke yet”?

A stick of course.

Two parrots on a perch, one says”can you smell fish?”

My coffee tastes like mud

its fresh ground

Why is a woman like a KFC?

Once you’ve finished with the legs and breasts you’ve got a nice greasy box to put your bone in.

What’s the difference between a market trader and a Daschund?

One balls out his wares on the street…

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

tomhoward – Member

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

Favourite joke ever.

What’s a moped and a fat woman got in common?

Both give a good ride but you don’t want your mates to see you riding one

How do you kill a circus? Go straight for the Juggler.

Bloke walks into a chip shop with a haddock under his arm, “do you serve fish cakes?’ he asks. “yup”, “great, it’s his birthday.”

A bloke goes to the docs and says:

“doc i’ve been taken steroids and i’ve grown an extra penis”

the doc says “anabolic”

the bloke “says no just a penis”

Have we had the

” what’s brown and sticky joke yet”?

A stick of course.

I thought the answer was “My Beyoncé poster”?

What’s two feet long and slippery?

A pair of slippers.

You know how if you drop your toast it always lands jam side down and if a cat falls it always lands on it’s feet…….well if you spread jam on a cats back does it levitate?

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

My new laptop is knackered already. It keeps playing chasing pavements over and over again.

I think it’s because it’s a Dell 😐

Get out.

(-:

Sorry, I’ll get my coat 😳

what’s ET short for..?
cos he’s only got little legs

what’s the difference between an egg and masturbation..?
you can beat an egg

How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? Pour petrol on it and light it.

How do you make a dog go ‘meow’ Freeze it, then run it through a bandsaw.

I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised.

“What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Wheelchair Boxing?” I enquired.

“No…” he said, “100m hurdles.”