Mrs Pie taking junior out for a ride on his bike round the local cemetery. (it’s his new bike and it’s a flat easy circuit)

Mrs Pie: “Ok, junior we’re off round the graveyard”

Junior: Thinks for a moment before asking…”Is that where gravy comes from?”

My father overheard my 5 year old who was rounding up all his action figures. As he found the last one he announced “Gotcha, you little arsehole.”

😳

I asked my (Then) 2.5 year old if she wanted something…..

Her response:
“Thats awfully nice of you , thanks, but no”

10 points for where that came from

Silly old snake! Doesn’t he know, There’s no such thing as a gruffal… Oh!

Yesterday morning I told my wife that part of my day was to be on a panel assessing business cases, a bit like Dragon’s Den.

My nearly 2 year old girl told someone later that “Daddy go work, pretend be dragon. Roarrr”!

My 4 year old is convinced that she will get a school unicorn when she goes to primary school, we have tried to tell her to lessen the blow that it might just be a few boring clothes.

I spent a lot of my childhood wondering what a dance settee was and where to could get one
As in –
“Dance, dance wherever you may be
For I am the lord of the dance settee”

My nearly 2 year old girl told someone later that “Daddy go work, pretend be dragon. Roarrr”!

Bless!

I got sent out by the Mrs on an evening Tescos run a while back, I asked our daughter (aged 4) if she wanted anything from Tescos, to which she replied –

“Yes, some Elderflower Water, and some flowers for my bedroom”

When my cousin was younger he was on a long car journey and they were playing a game where you had to name a country beginning with each letter of the alphabet to pass the time. He’d got to I before getting stuck so my uncle decided to help him out

My uncle: Where to pizzas come from?

My cousin: …the chippie?
😀

I spent a lot of my childhood wondering what a dance settee was and where to could get one
As in –
“Dance, dance wherever you may be
For I am the lord of the dance settee”

I never thought I’d hear someone say that … ! 😀

Me too – wondered all the way through school …

Last night my four year old girl dropped a bit of food down her jumper so i went to retrieve it and was told to stop trying to look at her nipples! which she thought was very funny, me and mrs five couldn’t keep our giggles in which didn’t help 😀

My sister in law lasted until 19 before she learnt the correct name for ‘Dipsy Divers’

My 2 nephews (11 and 8 ) are always play fighting with their dad and attacking him unexpectedly (like Cato but smaller).

Just recently if he retaliates and tries to tickle them they’ve started start shouting “Jimmy!” and “Saville!”, to get him to let go 🙂

Hasn’t happened in public yet but its only time 🙂

Lad was about 5, maybe 6, we were shopping in Center Parcs. We came out the shop with him pushing one of their kids shopping trolleys. He had trouble directing it, hit an immovable obstacle head on, and loudly exclaimed “Oh f***!”

The first swear word we ever heard him use, obviously he must of got it from me, but I don’t swear that much (do I?). The shock/horror/embarrassment of the language was outweighed by the hilarity of it all, particularly as a passing gentleman made some humorous quip.

Was driving along in the car and Mrs B asked me. Is there a car called a ‘Vauxhall Rover?’
Turns out she was listening to a song on the radio …. ‘Funk Soul Brother’

benslow – Member

I spent a lot of my childhood wondering what a dance settee was and where to could get one
As in –
“Dance, dance wherever you may be
For I am the lord of the dance settee”

I never thought I’d hear someone say that … !

Me too – wondered all the way through school …

I thought I was the only one!

Big/slim bloke.. Me too! I once got a telling off for have jumping on the sofa, ny 5 year old reasoning being “Jesus says its ok”. Best excuse ever!

my eldest (3.5) is currently asking anyone of large stature that he meets, whether they have a baby in their tummy.. which is awkward and fantastic in equal measures so I’m wholeheartedly encouraging it

😆

Auntie Kath’s baby is coming out next week son, your Uncle Kev just eats too many pies

driving past a sign for Mount Wise last week my 9yr old said ‘dad, isn’nt there a Mount Penis somewhere in Cornwall?’.

Nope son, that’ll be ‘Brown Willy’, highest hill in Cornwall.

My 5 year old, listening to an article about this on the radio earlier in the week

’Watching eyes’ poster reduces bicycle thefts

led to the following conversation

“Why do people steal bikes daddy?”

“Good question! Because they’re very naughty!”

“I wouldn’t steal bikes, I’d steal sweets. And I wouldn’t care about the eyes posters, not even if the eyes were really, really googley. I love sweets!”

“oh… ok”

I was carrying my little boy (then about 2 1/2) on my sholders whilst looking at an information board by a beach in West Wales. There was a couple standing behind me reading the board also. My little boy turns round and says “hello ladyman” to the couple.

When my daughter was 3 my Mrs took her shopping and bumped into a friend who happens to be Dwarf.
My daugher (who is a big wizard of Oz fan) had not met this lady before.. she did 2 or 3 slow laps of this lady, while looking her up and down.. then asked very loudly “are you a Munchkin?”

At dinner one evening –

Me: ‘Eat your carrots.’
Daughter: ‘No.’
Me: ‘They’ll help you see in the dark.’
Daughter looks at carrot suspiciously, but eats one. Then stares hard out the window. ‘It’s not working.’

A few weeks ago a friend was in a church service with her 4 year old son, after the service she was coming to meet us for a Sunday afternoon pint.
During a gap in the preaching her son loudly asks ‘I’m bored, can we go to the pub now mum’ 😈

When I was a kid one of my Uncles still lived at home at my Grans, he was a miner & worked shifts so was often in bed when I went round & Gran was always saying ‘sshh, uncle Billy’s in bed’ (cos I was noisy)
Anyway, me & Mum & Dad were in the Lakes having tea in a fancy hotel near Grasmere & I was being my usual noisy self, at some point Mum said, ‘James, be quiet’ & I said, dead loud, ‘why, is there somebody in bed like?
I can still remember that.

cheers_drive – thats brilliant!!! 😆

Offspring, with a great flourish, turned off a light switch and announced “Daddy, we’re going to save the planet!”

She thought for a bit, then said “What are we going to do with the planet?”

My friends young son was getting out of the car when he spotted a couple of ladies wearing burkhas & dressed top to toe in black.

The lad shouted at the top of his voice “Mam look….ninja’s”

sweet

My nephew walked in to the kitchen where my sister was baking.

“What are you doing?”
“Baking buns.”
“Why are you putting raisins in them? You know I don’t like raisins.”
“I’m not putting raisins in.”

Nephew storms out of kitchen with the remark,

“YES YOU ARE! You’re using self-raisining flour.”

My ex wife worked as a manager of a pub chain when our boy was real young. One day at school he had to write story about his day to day activities

He wrote – my mum gets me up in the morning, serves breakfast, takes me to school then goes to the pub … My dad picks me up from school. Mum doesn’t get home from the pub till later

Last year my daughter (age 9) was in the back of my car and told me about a kid at school who got in trouble for saying “oh f@@k” in a lesson. This led to a discussion about why some words were just a bit rude, and some were really unacceptable. At which point she exclaimed “c@@t isn’t so bad”.

She goes to a small local well-respected church school.

Coming out of the supermarket today, passed a bloke going in with a young kid in tow, three or four years old maybe. Kid spotted something and went, “ninety-nine pence? Well, that’s rather excessive…!” Maybe you had to be there but it proper gave me the giggles.

In the days of black and white valve sets that went wrong all the time, our TV repair man was a rather rotund gentleman. He came into our living room one day and my brother, aged about 5, declared, “Oooh, you look like a balloon!”
My bro. was another one who thought there was a dance settee, by the way.

My Mum used always say ” I can hardly make ends meet ” meaning she had no money.

For years I wondered how she was getting meat from hens 😳

Got a taxi with my eldest two when then 5 year old son asks very loudly. . ‘Mum why are all taxi drivers brown?’

I was sat in the middle at the back with the drivers eyes fixed on me – he raised his eyebrows in a friendly but ‘like to see how you get out of this one’ kind of way

The Beard – Member
At dinner one evening –

Me: ‘Eat your carrots.’
Daughter: ‘No.’
Me: ‘They’ll help you see in the dark.’
Daughter looks at carrot suspiciously, but eats one. Then stares hard out the window. ‘It’s not working.’
Brilliant! That young lady will go far. 😆
This thread is comedy gold, these kids are far funnier than most so-called ‘comedians’ I see on telly.

I used to think it was “I’ll eat you all in the dance said he”.

My son was 14 when he asked me about when they were going to use the launch pads for the European space project just outside Glasgow. I’d told him a tall story when he was about 4 or 5 about the gasometers next to the M8 being where the European space project was based and he’d believed it all those years 😳

Also, one holiday we were going to Skye with another family and the drive was murder with squalling, squabbling children. At one point one of them asked where we were going and I replied “to hell and back”. Again, about 10 years later, my son asked me about the place we went on holiday in Skye, “you know, the place called Hellenbach”

I still tease my little (26yo) sister occasionally about the time she asked where convalesce was; to be fair she was actually about 17 at the time though.

One of my wifes friends came over the other day for dinner;
Daughter (she’s 6) “where’s your husband”
Friend “I’m not married”
Daughter “do you have a boyfriend”
Friend “no”
Daughter “are you a lesbian?”
Friend “no”

No idea where she got that from.

About 10 o’clock and the little ‘un comes downstairs;

Her “what are you watching”
Me “Grown up telly, go to bed”
Her “can I watch it”
Me “No, go to bed”
Her “why?”
Me “it has grown up words, now go to bed”
Her “does it have the f-word in it dad?”
Me “yes, go to bed now”
Her “do you know the f-word dad?”
Me “yes, go to bed now”
Her “it’s f^&* isn’t it”
Me “get up those stairs now young lady”

It’s become apparent that there are some negatives to sending her to school on a bus containing kids up to the age of 18 and no adults!

Slightly more twee;

“Daddy, brains are like mummies aren’t they”
“why do you think that”
“they tell you things that you need to know and they keep you safe even if you don’t know it”