Some background before we get to the major discovery and decision on how to go about what I know I need to do…

My wife and I are currently separated, and the kids live with her (she moved away with them closer to her job – I’m in the family house). Lots of background there but it’s irrelevant to the current situation.

She’s struggling to cope with a 4-day a week proper career job and the kids. Her focus is almost entirely on her job – promotions, recognition etc, leaving little time for anything else, including the kids. Her approach to dealing with the kids – even when we were together has been to palm it off on others – mainly Au Pairs – having an Au Pair was her plan to cope when moving out with the kids and she’s been through several in a short time.

Her behaviour has become increasingly erratic and irresponsible – too tired to get out of bed a lot – spending Sat afternoon in bed and leaving the kids with the Au Pair (who doesn’t speak much English and she’s known for about 2 weeks). Also starting to have sores appear – on her legs which she’s blaming on insect bites and some on her cheeks which she itches but covers with make-up. I have up until now been attributing all of this to the effects of long-term stress and depression.

She dropped the kids off at mine on Friday night (unusual, normally I have to pick them up and drop them off each time) and stayed over.
Some odd behavior – going to the toilet regularly and for a long time each time. VERY fidgety – simply can’t sit still, picking fingers etc. Very hot at night – had the windows open and the room freezing (normally she’s the one who likes it way warmer than me). When we went to go to sleep at 1:00AM (i.e. late when you’ve got kids) she simply couldn’t relax – very fidgety, went downstairs and finally went to sleep at gone 3 – couldn’t get up the next day – finally emerged at 11 ish.

This morning I took a look in her handbag as she’s on anti-depressants which she has a habit of leaving there (kids safety issue) – and I find tucked in a side zip pocket a small ziploc bag with prints of Bob Marley on it and a powdery substance inside. I remove it and hide it. She calls me midday-ish to ask If I’ve gone through her handbag as some of her daily meds are missing – I deny it of course. Tonight after she’s gone to bed I take a good look – from close looking and comparing to some internet pics I’m 90% sure it’s Cocaine.

So – she has some – could be it’s belonging to a friend. Could be it’s a one-off / occasional thing, i.e. not contributing to the above. I doubt it though.

My thought is that until she gets herself sorted out the kids need to stay with me full time. My dilemma is how to go about this without it getting all Jeremy Kyle – social services, laywers etc.
Do I phone her / go see her and explain my concerns, and tell her kindly but firmly that to relive pressure on her and for the kids good they’ll be with me to give her a chance to sort herself out? Is that too gently-gently? Is it too harsh and she’ll get recourse to social services etc / courts who will side with the mother and forcibly put the kids in her care?

Feeling very very sad. Not angry, just really wishing this wasn’t / didn’t need to happen.

Tonight after she’s gone to bed I take a good look – from close looking and comparing to some internet pics I’m 90% sure it’s Cocaine.

It’s more likely to be Phenacetin sold as Cocaine. The stuff is cut so much these days, all you’re buying is dental anaesthetics with a trace of cocaine at best. It gives the right tingly sensation so passes the ‘Kojak’ test, and the rest of the hit is just self induced.

Not that it’s much consolation.

1) You’ve moved class A drugs, so you can now get done for possession – even if they were hers. Don’t get done because you were being a hero for an idiot woman. I guess you’re not comfortable with Class A’s and a little clueless about this, as you had to do a google search.

2) Yes, approach her first – if not I reckon it will be the Jeremy Kyle option.

Send it to me and I’ll test it and tell you what it is.

That’s a horrible situation. I’ve no suggestions either I’m afraid, but I hope you find a way through.

…get the hookers in and test it out ?*

* sorry I know really bad taste- talk to her you don’t want your children round her if she is taking.

Good luck

It’s gone now BTW – burned it in the fire after taking some photos for evidence once the kids were in bed.

She calls me midday-ish to ask If I’ve gone through her handbag as some of her daily meds are missing – I deny it of course.

I’m not you, so:

I’d have

– admitted taking the stuff
– apologised for going through the handbag and offered to refund whatever it had cost as I’d flushed it down the toilet in panic.
– asked if there was anything I could do to help as the contents of her handbag suggested a need for help.
– threatened nothing
– offered to look after the kids more if that helped.

edit: I see we agree on the best thing to do with the stuff.

Now, I understand the not being able to sleep symptom but can’t compute the other symptoms with coke.

– apologised for going through the handbag and offered to refund whatever it had cost as I’d flushed it down the toilet in panic.

I like drugs.

I have no time for selfish junkies with kids though, being soft with them will get you nowhere.

You have to get social services involved, you owe it to your children. Whatever that substance is, and you’ve got no way of knowing what it is by looking at it and researching it on the internet, you’re bigger issue is that your ex is clearly not coping. You need to put your children first over everything else.

Let’s say you confront your ex and it goes well and then further down the line her problem gets worse and something happens to her or your kids. Or lets say it goes badly and then the problem is accelerated.

Either way, not having back up with social services leaves you wide open.

Is there any reason you can’t step in and take them with you?

Could it be spice? https://spiceaddictionsupport.org/side-effects-of-spice-use/%5D

I would speak to a solicitor to see what you can do quickly and legally, if she claims she’s not on drugs it can be easily tested.
Good luck.

– admitted taking the stuff
– apologised for going through the handbag and offered to refund whatever it had cost as I’d flushed it down the toilet in panic.
– asked if there was anything I could do to help as the contents of her handbag suggested a need for help.
– threatened nothing
– offered to look after the kids more if that helped.

Thanks Edukator – nice clear thinking. That is quite likely to be broadly the approach for tomorrows conversation. (At the time she called I was with the kids in a cafe – so no opportunity to talk openly, and I also need some time to thing about what to do).

If there were no other concerns then this maybe is not so big a deal and can be dealt with with a little support- but with the overall pattern of behavior I think the kids need to be with me not her in the short term at least.
I ideally want her to buy into this as an act of support, help and kindness – not as the start of a custody battle but need to balance this with being too soft and she says no.

Bear in mind that this was in her handbag along with two strong anti-depressants and some sweets and she leaves the handbag on the floor at home, so no child-proof containers, not out of reach etc – she trusts the kids to know not to take any medicine. They are 3 and 4 yrs old…

How old are your kids?
If she’s carrying on holding down a job and the kids are well let her carry on with her drug taking if she likes. It’s not that big a deal. I’d let her know you know though and have a very frank conversation about it.

Is there any reason you can’t step in and take them with you?

None at all, other than her not agreeing with it. I would personally prefer them to be with me and she knows it – they’re with her because that’s what she wants / thinks should happen.

Drugs don’t always make people bad parents. A single parent friend was a heroin addict eventually dying of AIDS as a result. It didn’t stop her bringing up her daughter to be a great person. People can be functioning alcoholics (we have one with kids on here and I don’t remember anyone suggesting we should contact social services) and functioning drug addicts (prescription and/or illegal). Judge on behavior not other issues. Some people harm their kids stone cold sober, others love them to bits whilst in an alternative state. Give her the benefit of any doubt.

Edit: seeing the age of the kids I agree you should be very clear that she needs to keep all meds/drugs legal or otherwise out of the reach of the kids and ask her not to be seen taking them to avoid immitation.

let her carry on with her drug taking if she likes

She’s got the kids in the house with her for crying out loud! He needs to protect his children.

You have to get social services involved, you owe it to your children

At this stage i would advise managing it. or at least trying to, within the family before pressing the nuclear button

I am not sure how having your kids interviewed by social workers is necessarily the best thing for them at this moment in time

Drugs aside she does not seem to be coping well so either offer support or offer a stick as you see fit

Best of luck

She’s got the kids in the house with her for crying out loud! He needs to protect his children

Lots of parents have drugs in the house ranging from legal alcohol to illegal cocaine

Are they all unfit parents because of this?

Never seen coke in bags with bob marley on it,sounds like one of these new crap ‘legal’ things,not saying that’s any better though,hope things work out for you must be stressfull.

Lots of parents have drugs in the house ranging from legal alcohol to illegal cocaine

Seriously Junky? Have you got kids?

At this stage i would advise managing it. or at least trying to, within the family before pressing the nuclear button

It doesn’t have to be a nuclear button, it’s simply getting external help, which is what is probably needed. Social services’ objective is not to detonate the family, they put the children’s needs first and in most cases that means supporting the parents to be the primary carers.

Just to be clear – leaving her to it with the kids is not an option.

The drug taking itself (IF it’s real – bear in mind it might not be) is not in itself the issue.
It’s this combined the behavioral issues I mentioned in the first post – not getting out of bed during the weekend days – the lack of attention to child safety e.g. pills within reach of the kids etc.

Essentially – as mentioned above “she’s clearly not coping”. I owe it to her and the kids to help her cope and to support her getting herself out of the hole she’s clearly in. This mornings revelation seems to me to suggest she’s digging the hole deeper rather than being stable or on an upward trend.

The kids spending the bulk of their time with me seems to be the best way. She’s not enjoying the time in the week with them anyway. BTW – before we split I looked after them all week as she stayed away 2-3 nights a week as her work is a couple of hours drive away from home. The kids and I used to have fun during the week. Hard work but rewarding and satisfying.

EDIT – yes, managing within the family is my aim if it can be made to work / not backfire later. Am thinking a lot about this. Hence this thread. I love the diverse and largely sensible voices. Even / especially the non-sensible ones.

Junkyard,
It’s the symptoms of her drug taking that’s the problem and the fact she just leaves them in easy reach. She doesn’t sound like a recreational user, she sounds like an addict on a downward spiral.
The children’s safety and well-being should always come first.

I took more trouble to keep disinfectants, acids, solvents, oils, cleaning products, bleach etc. out of reach of junior than any meds. I was more worried about paracetamol than anything else as Madame and her mother usually had a fatal-to-a-child dose lying around in their handbags.

She sounds in a desperate state. Offer help, say you want the kids. Good luck

It could be a non-issue, or it could be a serious issue. I wouldn’t get too hung up on the coke alone – I know plenty of good parents who like a sniff at weekends.

That said, if it’s out of control and her mental state is suffering, then it is an issue. I’d suggest trying to assess the situation more on a personal level if she’s approachable – or via friends if not.

Social services has to be the very last option if you really think the kids are in danger

*edit – just seen your latest post and maybe she does need help, but again, social services have to be the last option.

How practical is it for you to have the kids more in the week, OP? If you have more time for them they may benefit but if they just spend time with a carer as when with their mother you might be disturbing a status quo that works even if not perfect. How can things be organised when the kids start school? I’m just posting considerations rather than real questions so no need to answer.

don’t go all “reefer madness” and panic

Her behaviour does sound troubling tho. I am not convinced its cocaine and “legal highs” no linger exist as they are now illegal but sounds possible. Sounds more like amphetamine to me. The behaviour does not sound like cocaine induced – more like amphetamine but could be one of the new psychoactives.

I’d go with the approach of – “we need to talk, I know I shouldn’t have done it but I found something suspicious in your handbag and I am very worried about your behaviour” Make sure she has room to confess tho ie that she knows truthfulness from her gets your support but lies will not.

From her answers you will get some indication of what to do next ie if she confesses, admits an issue, then support might be the best way forward. Denial then its tough love time

Large % of the population take or have taken drugs at some point in their lives – some estimates around 50%. In some professions its absolutely rife.

Nasty situation

confront her but in sorrow not anger and offer support in return for the truth is my view.

Your wife enjoys a stripe or two. Time to get the daily mail involved.

What year is this again…?

Seems to be a whole lot of naivety about cocaine on this thread.

she just leaves them in easy reach.

I find tucked in a side zip pocket a small ziploc bag

No so sure its easy reach and yes she may well be in the downward spiral to drug addiction or taking drugs may well be a symptom of her depression

no one is saying ignore it I merely suggested attempting to manage it within the family before involving external agencies at this time is not necessarily the best choice though it is clearly on the table and inevitable if she does not act

Lots of parents have drugs in the house ranging from legal alcohol to illegal cocaine
Seriously Junky? Have you got kids?

What part of that statemented troubled you?
Millions of parents have recreational drugs in their house ranging from alcohol to illegal drugs
The truth of this statement is unaffected by whether i have kids, what age they are or their gender Furthermore the truth of it is undeniable

Are they all unfit parents?

I have worked for social services in child protection sp thanks for the explanation of what they do…I can sense the horror in you already and you have not even read it yet!

its not simply they take drugs ergot they MUST be unfit or millions of folks would be losing their kids.

Clearly this parent is struggling and, they never do, I cannot see how drug use is helping.

OP offer to have the kids more, maybe full time for a bit ? You didn’t say how old ?

Au Pairs are not Nanny’s btw, more just occasional chold care as an assitant to the parents plus a bit of cleaning etc.

The sores could well be due to stress and side effects. You can take a lot of Cocaine with no noticable side effects, popular drug with high fkying types inc in business and hi level professional sports for that reason. I say this as physical symptoms you are notocing are possibly not from that.

Junky and I don’t agree of too much but he’s absolutely right about recreational drugs and parents. I’ve known more than a few with everything from wacky backy to cocaine kept and used at home.

As noted above, depends how old the kids are; advice would be different if they’re 15 and 13 vs 5 and 3

However, seeing their age I think you need to confront her with the evidence and give her one chance to give a proper explanation / find a solution you’re happy with (which by the sounds of it means you having the kids while she gets sorted), otherwise it has to be escalated with a view to having that situation officiallised (I know it’s not a word but I’ve had a beer – with kids in the house too!!)

I truly feel for you man and feel very lucky that my kid’s mum is who she is. But at the very worst, it’s a bit of coke, not the end of the world by any stretch.

Not ideal, but at least it’s not smack. Or Vodka which would be a much worse but more acceptable discovery. If you’ve recently split up, chances are she’s having a crappy time. Perhaps it’s just a temporary coping measure, whatever the substance is?

OP offer to have the kids more, maybe full time for a bit ? You didn’t say how old ?

#jambafact 😉

They are 3 and 4 yrs old…

The coke just sounds like a sympton of her inability to cope, so I really wouldn’t make a deal out of it. tbh I probably wouldn’t even mention it. It’s her choice at the end of the day.

You are right to be concerned about your children, but as I say, main problem here sounds like her inability to cope that anything else, so probly take that tact rather than getting into a discussion about the rights and wrongs of drugs.

She might even be glad of the break?

You can take a lot of Cocaine with no noticable side effects

What? Nobody said anything about taking loads of coke. It’s a small amount of an unidentified powder. We’re not talking about an addict yet.

EDIT: sorry, misread that. Yes you can but eventually your nose will blow up and your behaviour will out you. Nothing more annoying than a coke head down the pub

Mr Frustrateddad – all I can say is that you seem more than capable of dealing with this situation.

I’m not in your situation mind you, but your outlook is just how I’d like to think I would deal with it.

The whole support approach is definitely the way to go, and if it goes so far that it isn’t any more, then you will have already realised that and taken any additional steps needed – doesn’t sound like your kids aren’t in danger, as some of the drama above (and no doubt below) would suggest, but you clearly just want their Mum in best shape for their sake, and also hers, ‘cos you seem like the decent sort like that.

Christ knows why you’ve come here for advice 🙂

You are right to be concerned about your children, but as I say, main problem her sounds like her inability to cope that anything else, so probly take that tact rather than getting into a discussion about the rights and wrongs of drugs.

She might even be glad of the break?

You’ve summed it up well, thanks !

Christ knows why you’ve come here for advice

Cause it validated the real way I got rid of it (see post #6)