OK, firstly I’m posting this under a new username as some of my real world friends come on here.

I met my wife when I was working abroad 9 years ago when I was young and impressionable. We’ve moved in together a year later and had a daughter who is now 6. I’m still only in my early 30’s.

When we first got together she spoke limited (to no) English, but she had a great arse and I figured that the communication would come.
We had an ‘accident’ soon after she moved in with me that unfortunately ended in a miscarriage; soon after that we got engaged as I thought it was the right thing to do. We had another ‘accident’ a couple of years later that resulted in our daughter.
So 9 years later, the arse has turned saggy and the English is reasonable but only to a conversational standard.
I’m fairly certain that if it weren’t for our daughter I would have walked a long time ago. As it stands now, we are living in the UK but I think that my wife would go back to her home country if we split taking my daughter with her.
She’s not the kind of person that would deny me access to my daughter but the logistics of them being a couple of thousand miles away would obviously make things difficult.

I can’t remember the last time we (if we have ever) sat down and spoken about our feelings. The situation is such that I don’t think I can even discuss how I’m feeling now with her.
We never do anything together, unless it is something to do with our daughter; and I feel that she is the only thing we actually have in common.
I think there are people at work, who I know more about than I do my wife. It’s almost as if we’re 2 strangers that happen to have lived together for 9 years.

Don’t get me wrong, my wife is one of the kindest and most generous people you will ever meet; and she has probably done well to put up with me for so long! And I certainly don’t regret having our daughter, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I’m not even really sure of what my purpose of posting on here is. I don’t know if I want to leave or what; but I do know that I am not very happy as things stand and don’t really look forward to going home.

MTFU and think of the kid. Sorry if thats no help, but thats my outlook. Make time and effort to make it better before you desert your kid

The rest of your life is a long time to spend with someone you don’t love.

im not in your situation so maybe im talking bollox

BUT YOU HAVE TO SIT DOWN WITH YOUR WIFE AND TALK TO HER

(sorry for the caps but i think its important)

I can’t remember the last time we (if we have ever) sat down and spoken about our feelings. The situation is such that I don’t think I can even discuss how I’m feeling now with her.

Tis surely is the first stewp – you need to sit down and talk with her.

but I do know that I am not very happy as things stand and don’t really look forward to going home.

this is not a good situation and needs to be changed.

7 year itch?

Do you want to make the marriage work?

If so are you prepared to make the effort required?

So the first step is there – you know yo are dissatisfied with the situation. But you now need to work out why. Once you know why you are dissatisfied then you can think about what to do to improve teh situation

Good luck

real life friends may be able to ID you from the OP.

first 3 posts seem to sum up all the angles…

We had another ‘accident’ a couple of years later that resulted in our daughter.
So 9 years later, the arse has turned saggy

Bloody hell with these two sentences , I lost any sympathy for you especially in light of tonights loss to this forum.
Maybe an idea to never describe your kids as an accident as a lot of folks will never have the opportunity to have an accident . 😕

I can’t remember the last time we (if we have ever) sat down and spoken about our feelings. The situation is such that I don’t think I can even discuss how I’m feeling now with her.
We never do anything together, unless it is something to do with our daughter; and I feel that she is the only thing we actually have in common.
I think there are people at work, who I know more about than I do my wife. It’s almost as if we’re 2 strangers that happen to have lived together for 9 years.

Bingo, you have just summed up married life, did you not realise what you were buying into?

Dont worry in 100 years who will care.

When we first got together she spoke limited (to no) English, but she had a great arse and I figured that the communication would come

Deid at this 🙂

It sounds rough mate – my friend was in a similar position with a Japanese woman. They split up but she had enough invested in work / friends in London that she stayed and it’s worked out well. So you probably do have to grasp the nettle at some point in the near future and have a sit down – it doesn’t mean she’ll jump on the next plane by any means. Surely you can’t go on being strangers in your own home so movement in this direction seems essential. Doesn’t have to be a total baring of the soul, even incremental steps towards this will help. Best of luck.

MTFU and think of the kid yourself

I think you know what you want to do, you just don’t want to admit it to yourself.

There are plenty of great arses in the world. You only have one life. Live it. See your daughter when you can.

Have you thought about going to Relate? You may think your situation is unique enough that they won’t be able to help – I’d say they’re worth a call and reckon I’m not the only one on here who would recommend them.

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

Cougar – Member

MTFU and think of the kid yourself

I think you know what you want to do, you just don’t want to admit it to yourself.

There are plenty of great arses in the world especially me giving out stupid advice.. You only have one life and youi owe it to your daughter to do the best for her. Yes even if you have to sacrifice things, thats what being a parent is all about. See your daughter every day and bring her up with your wife to be the best she can be.

Edited to make sense.

I think there are people at work, who I know more about than I do my wife.

I guess it depends on your job, but this can be normal… can’t it?

Steve, do you know what it’s like to be brought up by unhappy parents?

As suggested, try Relate. If that doesn’t work, go your separate ways. Life really is too short.

Re: Relate – among the first things our Relate counsellor said to MrsMM,(Beta Version) and I, was that Relate ‘working’ was not at all based on getting you to stay together. Though that may be the preferred outcome for at least one of you, or you would not necessarily be there.
It’s a space for you to talk things through and work things out – it may be that you work out it really is best to split. At least you will have had the opportunity to talk it through.

Unless your lives are really separate then you need to pull that plaster off really quickly and split up, don’t fanny about.

What does your wife really think about your relationship? Is she too polite to say anything?

You have a daughter, but from the sound of it things are not going to change significantly if the two of you split up.

Life can be a bugger at times and you need to be happy with what you are doing with it and if you are mutually sharing your life with someone else you need to really love them, know them intimately and share lots of things in common to make it work.

I hope things work out well for you.

As somebody else wrote, you have just described married life. Most people who have been married (most, not all) are in a similar rut with their marriages and only staying together because of the kids or for religious reasons. That’s life.

20 years back I employed a Peruvian student, being somewhat attractive (good for business – see what I did there EMSZ? 😉 ) and talented (even better for business) I observed her choices of male company with interest. She married my dentist which saved me a lot of paperwork (and cash) with the prefecture as she got a French passport. A daughter followed and 20 years on they’re still happy together, to the casual observer at least.

I’m now pretty sure it was a mariage d’amour and that I wasn’t party to a mariage blanc. Either way, her daughter is one hell of a good life insurance and pension plan even if the relationship turns pear shaped, which I hope it doesn’t because I like happy endings.

So, what were your respective motivations back then, what made the relationship tick and are there enough of the good ingredients left to make it go on working, knowing that in couples that work new ingredients are found to spice up the dish as the years go by?

If you speak to your wife you may well find she feels the same!!!!! you can’t do anything until you’ve spoken to her but good luck. Do not carry on though, your daughter will see through it.

edukator…what?

straight people, same problems…just crap sex

Let her go now and find happiness/someone who loves her. Don’t be selfish. Why squander her youth as well (I guess) your own.

It sounds like a relationship that is ticking over.

Saying that she may have really strong feelings for you but you are going through some sort of male-notice abit of thinning ontop, yeek I used to be a right ladies man sort of fella.

the English is reasonable but only to a conversational standard.

When you say you haven’t spoken to her, is this because you can’t have a proper heart to heart because of the language problem?

Have to say, 9 years is a long time to have lived in the UK without becoming very proficient in the language (waits to be corrected on spelling and/or grammar in my post).

OP and his Wife earlier

Put some f**king effort in then, start doing stuff together? Go jogging so she loses her saggy arse, take her mountain biking. Help her with English (learning a language is hard) perhaps try learning her mother tongue.

I do believe you can love someone who does not speak your language but; it sounds to me you’ve plucked a Russian, Thai, Brazilian off the street brought them half way around the world, had a child and now she’s not quite as pretty you want out.

Do the right thing and try and make it work, as above communicate with her.