Anyone been here done that? We get on fine as friends but I just don’t love here anyone and it’s been like this for about 2 years….. All appears great from the outside, nice house, great kids, not too much mortgage left but we’ve been through a hell of a lot over the last ten years.

I’ve told her how I feel, moved out for a while now back at home for the kids. It’s one hell of a head messer, as there’s no conflict or aggro as yet.

No, but its not uncommon.

How does she feel?

Sadly, it’s not uncommon. Feel for you OP.

Is she fit?
Any pictures?
😉
Sorry dude. 🙂

People evolve at different rates, and thats not to say that either of you has become a bad person, you’re probably just different people than when you met. Life throws up all kinds of challenges and you’ll both respond in different ways making you different people over the long term. I guess the question to ask yourself is would you be better off apart? If the answer is yes for you, its probably yes for her too, as there’s no reason to believe that what you’re feeling isnt directly reflected on the other side of the relationship, it would be a ‘special’ kind of person who lived in oblivion of the other’s angst.

Whatever happens, good luck, stay strong and ride more. Riding always helps I find 😉

Yeah she’s fit, but prone to anxiety and depression, which I’ve struggled with getting my head around. She’s the most determined and loyal person I know and wants to make it work, we’ve had counselling in the past and things were ok for a while. I can deal with being pissed off with her, angry, frustrated etc, but when you aren’t in love anymore it’s really scary shit as it feels totally out of my control.

Do you go out together on your own as a couple much? Make time for yourselves? It’s easy for the kids to take over your lives and you lose the zest for each other.

FWIW, I went through this a few years ago. I didn’t leave even though thoughts of splitting up were in my head. 20-odd years later and I can’t comprehend it. My wife is my friend, lover, confidant. I just can’t imagine my life without her. I’d fight like crazy to try to fix things rather than give up at this point.

We don’t go out much at all, her anxiety had put paid to that for a long time, now I don’t want to go out for a beer with her, it’s like pulling teeth. In typical woman mode ages over analysing everything and I do the bloke thing of not giving a shit….

A big part of me wants out, but that’s a whole scary world out there. We’ve discussed it and whatever happens we’ve committed to staying as friendly as possible for us as well as the kids.

Almost everyone deserves to be happy, be that living with someone, or living alone. Having kids makes things more complicated, but try drawing up a pro/con list.

We don’t go out much at all

Try to change that.
It’ll make a huge difference for both of you.

Tried, didn’t work, I’m working away a lot for a while so that could either give me discs and clarity or drive a wedge.
I’m really turn about trying to make it work as we’ve been doing that for years to no avail

Why though? Are you both trying? Do you feel funny inside when you kiss?

I’m working away a lot

[quote]

😕 Bet that’s not helping.

Actually it is, I need the space atm. If I was at home all the time I think I’d have bailed

You’re confused mate and i feel for you but it might not be the best thing for you to share this with the STW; having said that – you have so……
Unfortunately, I’ve been there; you have multiple emotions to control and balance in some way; you didn’t say what age the kids are but as they’re still at home I’m assuming they’re still at school.
Whatever you do, do not under any circumstances allow the kids to be used as pawns/emotional bargaining chips or treated as collateral damage.
Has the love really died on both sides? If it has then you must look at what you want to do with your life and act accordingly; is she capable of taking care of the kids if she becomes the ‘principal carer’?
It’s painful when you are forced to analyse from a financial point of view – but i think you must.
If i had my time again I would have taken proper legal advice much earlier; it’s not marriage guidance or relationship counselling but it will help you to identify the practical considerations and focus on the practicalities.
In my case, 15 years on I’m still living with the consequences of ‘generous/caring’ (stupid) decisions about house and assets.
Sorry if that sounds a bit cold and lacking in emotion; when things are coming to an end – as they seem to be – a clear focus is the most important thing you can have.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find a way forward

Self moderates reply. 😐

when you aren’t in love anymore

That’s just a term, being “in love” – you know that, but don’t try to figure out where to go next based on that phrase.

Determined and loyal are great qualities, and mean much more than ‘love’ in real terms, if you know what I mean.

Guess it comes down to how determined you are 🙂 . Good luck chap, make the right choice for yourself.

Yep to confused, but I have previously told her I wanted out if the relationship. That was 5 weeks ago, and I’ve dodged issue since then. It’s a decision I wish I didn’t have to make either way and want time to sort out my confusion.

Kids are 13 (twins) and are fantastic and very down to earth, without them I would have gone long ago.

Sounds like depression to me.

Nope, not depression I’ve been there done that and know the signs. Not a mid life crisis either, just a harsh reality.

Making the choice is the bloody tough part, and I know the grass is not necessarily greener, in fact leaving would be the hardest route in a lot of ways. Anyone managed to separate and keep things amicable, if so any tips?

OP when was the last time that you went away for a weekend without the kids?

I’m usually the strong one offering any help

Does that really matter? We’ve not done that for 8 years as out parents are far away. We’ve only had 3-4 nights out alone in 8 years, but we’re all good as a couple. I’m not sure the odd night out is the magic answer.

Life conspired to grind down every aspect of our lives. We all need ‘me’ time. We have to drop off our lad in Birmingham on the way to London or sis in law comes our way and we head off somewhere. Before this I was on the cusp of looking into other options.. It gave me a glimpse of the girl that I met before kids.

now I don’t want to go out for a beer with her, it’s like pulling teeth

Have you considered doing what she wants? Maybe she’d like to do something else than sitting in a pub when…

I have previously told her I wanted out if the relationship. That was 5 weeks ago, and I’ve dodged issue since then

You are threatening to leave and then not doing so. That’s not considering your options, that’s tormenting her.

I would have gone long ago

See? Your default setting is to run away. Look at what you’ve typed and see how many times it’s mentioned.

I’m reading a great deal of what she’s doing to spoil things, and not really getting the sense of what’s bothering her. I hope there’s a good amount of conversation going on that you haven’t mentioned, because it’s coming across as one-sided; you’re fed up, want to run off. Come back. Want to run off. No wonder she’s tense.

I’m certain the full picture is a lot more balanced because at the moment it’s looking a bit crap for the missus.

I think it has been touched above, It sounds like both of you are suffering from depression. Go and speak to your doctor, even if you don’t want medication they’ll point you in the right direction to get help.

I can only speak from my experience, going to talk to my doctor and consequently seeing a counsellor helped put things into perspective. Also saves posting personal stuff on sites like this.

If you still feel the same way, get some legal advice. As mentioned above, It’ll be years before you are rid of the emotional and financial ties, so will need to be done properly. Or you’ll get properly screwed as the law almost always side with the mother on breakups.

Good luck, whatever you decide on.

If your wife has been so anxious for such a long time, then she may not not have been receiving appropriate treatment for it. If she isn’t having treatment at the moment, she should prioritise getting some. CBT and counselling are great for anxiety.
Also, as someone’s who’s been in a relationship in the past where I knew my other half wasn’t sure whether they wanted to be with me or not, I can tell you it’s very a stressful situation to be in. I’d suggest that if you want to try and fix things, choose something you both want to do and commit to it on a regular basis. Get to know each other again.

If she isn’t having treatment at the moment, she should prioritise getting some.

Duloxetine. My OH was suffering from anxiety to a point where, well, it wasn’t very nice. Miracle drug, I’ve got back the woman I fell in love with.

I tried duloxetine and couldn’t tolerate it (nor any other antidepressant), so I have to rely on exercise, fresh air, and counselling.

Kids 13? Stick it out ’till they’re gone.

^ Life doesn’t work like that. Kids don’t want to be saddled with the thought that their parents stayed together only because of them.

I was in the same/similar position – married, out of love, anxious/depressed wife
We split up.
Hard to do but the right choice.
Still feel shit about it a lot but mostly just a kind of mourning over what ti never was.

Have started new things, surprising myself

Sounds like she could really do with some good therapy/counselling on her own, if the help you’ve already had has been couples counselling (not that couples counselling isn’t also worth trying). Good luck – hope it works out.