Long story, best not shared (or even envisaged!) but will it: a) add some additional lubrication for my ride home this evening, or b) lead to some sort of awful bacterial infection?

Wet or dry lube?

If I were you, I’d put my tackle in a jamjar full of paraffin and give it a good shake.

Oh OK, serious answer- probably be fine. How much are we talking? Some risk of contact dermatitis or lesser irritation I reckon depending on the ingredients. Might be a bit stingy in any chafes.

Use some KY on your chain to even out the karma!

The long story being that you picked up the wrong tube ?

Well your arse won’t squeak if it gets a bit dry down there.

better fill a jam jar with spunk and get it in the freezer quick